I'd like to say that I'm sorry.
And I'm an idiot.
I'm a sorry idiot.
A sorry, drunken idiot.
A fat sorry, drunk, egomaniacal, Hollywood idiot with an ugly beard and a bloated sense of self-importance.
Man, when I was told that I wouldn't be able to lie in this blog they weren't kidding. I'm okay with the whole honesty being the best policy thang, but this might be a case of too much honesty. I am trying to save my freaking career here.
I'm sorry for being an idiotic drunk driver, and I'm sorry, especially for the anti-Semitism.
What can I say, I'm not the brightest button on the shirt and I'm easily influenced. First by my Dad, I love him to death, but even I have to admit that he's nuttier than a pound of squirrel turds, and now by my Hollywood friends.
You see, in Hollywood Anti-Semitism is hot.
I keep forgetting that the correct term is Anti-Zionism.
You see all my Hollywood friends call themselves Anti-Zionist, but I can't tell the difference.
Maybe you can explain it to me.
You see my Dad's an Anti-Semite, that's pretty obvious, he thinks all the world's problems are caused by Jews, who also conspire to conquer the world, and that the world would be better off if they were destroyed.
Anti-Zionists think all the world's problems are caused by the Jewish State of Israel, that the Jewish State of Israel conspires to start wars in partnership with American corporations, and that the world would be better off if the Jewish State were destroyed.
WHAT'S THE FRIKKIN' DIFFERENCE?
It's driving me crazier than a kangaroo in the headlights of a speeding lorry.
And the thing that really sticks in my wallaby is that people make idiotic statements like the ones I made the other night, without the benefit of alcohol, and are called "liberal" and "progressive." I shoot my drunken idiot mouth off with the exact same garbage, and suddenly I'm a racist.
Hell, if you knew how many folks in Hollywood think 9/11 was an inside job committed by Bush, Israel, and Halliburton, your hair would turn white from shock, or disgust.
But are they being publicly spanked by the press like me?
No, because they couch everything in terms that make it sound like Bush's fault. That makes them wonderful, I made a religious movie, already a Hollywood no-no, and then I went and said to a cop, stuff other celebs save for dinner parties or the kind of liberal blogs that only other celebs read, which is as big a no-no as getting fat in this town.
This is just too much to think about, expecially after you've had twelve cans of Fosters for breakfast.
I should have just said "Bush" instead of "Jews" then I'd be a frikkin' hero.
Damn it, I need a nap.