Vox Poplar is Right About Everything & Don't You Forget It!

Hello folks...

2007-10-11T17:27:00.001-04:00

Hi.

To the two or three people who actually read this blog. I've moved all my operations to THE MOXARGON GROUP as their token Earthling correspondent.

I will leave this site up, as an archive of my past rants and ramblings.

Thanks for coming, and be sure to see me at THE MOXARGON GROUP.

The New Republic of Truth...

2007-07-27T22:56:00.000-04:00

Howdy fellow Earthlings.

I've been doing a little digging about this whole Scott Thomas/New Republic kerfuffle and I've found an exclusive scoop under the rock of truth.

It's an excerpt of Scott Thomas' upcoming memoir of the Iraq War.

Enjoy the cold stench of the truth....

++++++

THE FIRST CASUALTY OF WAR
by
Scott Thomas
(New Republic Press)

"Listen up you dog-faced maggots!" barked Sergeant Rock as he came out of his tent which he kept on top of a pile of Iraqi baby skulls. "We've got orders. We're to got the village of Al Kebab and kill everyone in there. Especially the women and children."

"But sir," I said, my voice deep, rugged and manly. "Why do we have to kill the women and children?"

"Because we're American soldiers!" bellowed Sergeant Rock, flecks of rabies-like foam flying off his mouth. "Slaughtering innocent women and children is why we exist and what we do best."

I caught a glance at the orders in his hand.

"Why are our orders written in Hebrew?" I asked, suspicious of a possible Zionist theocratic conspiracy being behind our mission in Iraq.

"Why are you asking all these logical and rational questions about our mission?" demanded Sergeant Rock. "Are you one of those intellectual giants who write for the New Republic, who are greater defenders of American liberty than the crypto-fascist shock-troopers we are?"

"No sir," I said, although I wasn't afraid of the Sarge, New Republic writers never feel fear, I decided to keep my true mission a secret.

"Now move out and go kill us some civilians!" ordered the Sergeant. "Our Israeli masters demand blood. You are ordered to ignore that reference to our Israeli masters!"

The drive to Al Kebab was long, and the road was dusty. So I decided to shoot the breeze with my colleagues. They were the typical Red State breed that represent all personnel in the US Military.

There was Private Cletus Huckleberry, he was raised in the cotton fields of West Virginia. His family of illiterate Appalachian mountain cotton pickers had lost their entire crop to the great Global Warming caused boll weevil scourge of 2005. This left Cletus with no job, no food, no skills, and a case of complete illiteracy. The Army was his only option.

"I ain't reckon on fancy book learnin'" said Cletus, which was his answer to any question that didn't involve the cooking and eating of something called a 'varmint.' I had simply asked him about the weather. I decided to ask him about something else.

"What are your plans for after the army?" I asked.

Cletus shrugged. "I guess I'll go home to Nutter's Crotch West Virginny and marry my cousin."

"Which one?" I asked, knowing he had dozens, all between the age of eleven and fourteen and all named Lurlene.

"Whatever one ain't preggers at the moment with another man's baby," said Cletus. "I hope it's one I ain't molested yet. I like surprises."

"Who cares about weddings!" screamed Corporal Kenny Killum at the top of his lungs. "There's a lot of killing to do! Maybe we can rape some people!"

"It's wrong to rape women," I said trying to be the voice of reason and civilization, like John Edwards.

"Who said anything about women?" asked Corp. Killum. "I'm from Texas! Yee-ha!"

"Stop the truck!" screamed Corporal Ted Token, he had joined the Army to escape the segregated African American slums of the South and be taught reading, writing and basic math. Instead he had been trained to be an ice cold killing machine.

"What's up Corporal Token?" I asked, tightening my flak vest around my broad manly chest, my pectoral muscles rippling in anticipation of combat. "Is it insurgents?"

"No," said Token as the truck screeched to a halt. "There's a woman who has third degree burns. Let's verbally abuse her and give her more emotional scars to go with her physical ones."

I could make out the reflection of my chiseled handsome face reflected in a puddle of Iraqi children's blood. We entered Al Kebab, there were no insurgents, so my unit slaughtered everyone they could find, shooting, stabbing, burning and some pretty vicious pointing at genitals.

"Look at me," said Kenny Killum, dancing and capering wearing a necklace of children's head. "I got me some jewelry!"

I sighed at the rabid inhumanity of my fellow soldiers. Here they were fighting insurgents and trying to promote democracy like the foul cowardly savages they were while the world ignored the real heroes of freedom. People who ran magazines that condemned the US government in wartime, reporters who published top secret war information, and Democratic members of congress who held weekly anti-war votes to undermine this horrible fascist war.

And then there's me.

The greatest hero of all time.

++++++

Scott Thomas Beauchamp is the Ernie Pyle of the 21st century.

Why do I have to meme?

2007-07-12T17:12:00.000-04:00

Sometimes aliens can be jerks.

Really.

I thought that since I had my own blog and was just a part time correspondent for the MoxArgon Group I could skip the whole 'meme' thing.

Well, I was wrong.

Remulak used a matter transporter to beam me out of bed in the middle of the night to tell me that I had to do it to.

Fine.

Here it is.

8 THINGS ABOUT VOX POPLAR

1. I do not look at all like this picture MoxArgon made of me at a Simpsons site that Wyatt Earp mentioned at his blog.

I am not that fat!

2. I live in denial about my appearance, and I'm happy with that.

3. I love old spaghetti westerns and Italian horror films.

4. I'm a really good cook.

5. I think Kari Byron from Mythbusters is hot.6. I'm not above using at any excuse to put a picture of an attractive woman in my posts and should do it more often.

7. I enjoy watching poker on TV, but rarely play and never for real money, because I know I suck at it.

8. I have never seen the movie Titanic, and never will.

There.

Are you happy now you fat-cartoon making bastards!

Live Earthling Report 2: Wembley Stadium

2007-07-09T12:57:00.000-04:00

A
SPECIAL
REPORT
BY

VOX POPLAR

token Earthling correspondent

Howdy fellow Earthlings!

It's time for part two of my coverage of Al Gore's Live Earth show at Wembley Stadium in London!

Here's my report!

----------------------------

There was a flash of orange light and suddenly I was no longer at Giants Stadium but Wembley Stadium in London.

This time I appeared in a secluded spot in the backstage parking area between the limousine transporting Madonna's hairstylist and the Escalade SUV that transported Madonna's hair-stylist's first assistant. I adjusted my universal press-pass to get me into the backstage and walked casually past the Ford SUV for Madonna's hair-stylist's second assistant, the Range Rover belonging to third hair-stylist's assistant, and the line of SUVs and heavy trucks that transported Madonna's wardrobe and make-up staff.

I sauntered on past the statue honouring the stadium's namesake, Britain's greatest hero Wembley Fraggle and into the backstage area.

I had no sooner walked into the backstage area then I was confronted by all three members of the Beastie Boys.

"Yo dude," said one of them, don't ask me which, because I can't tell them apart, "sign our petition man."

"Free Tibet!" said another one.

"Does this mean that you're going to start criticizing the government of China's environmental policies too?" I asked.

"Just sign the f*cking petition," said yet another Beastie Boy, "it's not like it's going to do anything except make us feel like we matter."

I took a look at the petition, someone had already taken the name "Buck Naked" so I went with my old stage name "Lance Hardthrust." (Don't ask me about where that stage name came from)

"How the hell can I save the Earth if I don't have the right bottled water!" screamed Bono as he hurled a full bottle of Evian at a meek looking assistant. "Take those ten cases of bottled water and rubbish them, they're no good!"

"Yes Mr. Bono," said the cowering assistant.

"That's Master Bono to you!"

"Hey, Bono!" I called out, "can I ask you a few questions?"

"I only talk to major national or international publications," declared Bono.

"My employers cover the Known Universe," I answered.

"That seems big enough," said Bono. "So, do they want to know how great I am?"

"They already know that," I said, "I want to know is what events like Live Earth, Live 8 hope to achieve?"

"We hope to promote awareness," said Bono, "of things like climate change, African poverty, and how wonderful I am for being so great."

"Let's talk about African poverty," I said, "you constantly demand that rich nations send more aid to Africa, even though many African activists oppose raising aid levels because all they do is prop up dysfunctional and corrupt governments. What do you have to say about that?"

"Well it's all very simple," said Bono, "more aid keeps crooked governments in power, causing more suffering, that means I can ride my high horse and make people think all my projects are for charity and spend their money on me. It makes me look really good. They're going to give me the Nobel Peace prize, just like Arafat."

"And exactly how much of the profits from you various projects actually go to help Africans?"

"The exact number is hard to calculate," said Bono, "but a rough estimate would put it somewhere below the steam off my pee."

"Okay," I said, "one last question. Why are you here? I thought U2 wasn't performing."

"Wherever there are cameras and celebrities posturing for charitable causes that don't actually do anything, I'll be there."

"Thanks for the honesty," I said.

"Well you are poking me with some sort of alien mind-control device," added Bono.

"I know," I said, "my employers loaned me some alien technology to blend with my already existing invention to make people tell the truth. Oh, I think I see Genesis. I'll see you later Bono."

"Hey Genesis," I asked, "why are you performing at Live Earth?"

"Live Earth," said Phil Collins, "I thought this was the Princess Di concert!"

"Bugger it," said another member of Genesis whose name I didn't bother to learn. "And I can't get a decent cup of tea."

"Maybe I should talk to the Foo Fighters," I said. "They seem to know where they are."

I tracked down the Foo Fighters at their trailer and sat down for an interview before their set began.

"So," I said to lead Foo Dave Grohl, "how does it feel to still be considered second banana to a guy who made the smart career move to blow his brains out before he became washed up?"

Luckily no one of any value to society was hurt when Dave Grohl tossed me out his trailer window.

"Oh my god!" screamed a roadie, "that ~~fat bastard~~ devilishly handsome journalist landed on Madonna!"

"Who hasn't?" I asked.

"Mmmmph!" said Madonna.

"You see," I said, "she's okay. She even sounds better."

Then I rolled off the aging pop star.

"I tried to speak," said Madonna, "but I was choking on a mouthful of ~~fat~~ taut muscular ass!"

"Could you answer a few questions for the MoxArgon Group?"

"You're a reporter," said Madonna, brushing the dust off her outfit. "Ask away."

"Why are you doing a concert for someone whose wife tried to censor you as number eight of the so called Filthy 15?"

"Because Tipper Gore's outrage covered up for my lack of talent," said Madonna. "If I didn't have shock value I'd have to rely on my voice and my looks, and neither have been up to snuff in a long time. Is that an alien machined designed to make me tell the truth?"

"Maybe," I said. "What about recent revelations that you're a major stockholder in some major polluters?"

"It's okay," said Madonna, "I gave Al Gore some money, so he blessed my hypocritical profiteering."

"Sounds fair," I said. "I better get going. I've got something important to do."

"Like watching Live Earth?"

"Nope," I answered, "I'm going to watch the grass grow in my backyard. Toodles."

And with a flash I left Wembley stadium, no longer giving a crap about freaking anyone out.

Live Earthling Report

2007-07-08T13:20:00.000-04:00

A SPECIAL REPORT BY

VOX POPLAR

Token Earthling Correspondent for

The MoxArgon Group

Howdy fellow Earthlings.

As the MoxArgon Group's token Earthling it was up to me to cover the over-sized Al Gore campaign ad called Live Earth. Thanks to some transporter technology borrowed from my alien employers I was able to attend all the concerts. So don't go nitpicking as to how I could be in different places at the same time, I just explained it.

Here is my report:

----------------------------

The weather was fine over Giants stadium and not in the least feverish for the time of year as the transporter rematerialized me at the concert site. To avoid freaking out the sort of folks who sort of freak out at the sight of anyone spontaneously materializing I appeared in what the transporter's computer said was a secluded spot.

The spot just happened to be behind a massive heap of non-recyclable, non-bio-degradable plastic cups, styrofoam food containers, plastic utensils and discarded half-full cans of hairspray, apparently left behind by Sheryl Crow's entourage. The area reeked of discarded tofu, spilled champagne, and I could feel the ozone layer above it starting to thin.

I poked my head up from behind the heap and looked around. The coast was clear, everyone was helping AFI decide which brand of eye-liner was the most enviro-friendly and gave them the most street-cred. I put my 'Universal Press Pass' around my neck and stepped out into the backstage hullaballoo.

"Goddamn it Ernie," screamed a tall skinny roadie to his short, stocky colleague. "Alicia Keys needs more air conditioning!"

"But the grid is already maxed out Bert," replied the roadie Ernie.

"Then tell the power plant to start shoveling more coal anything below freezing will make her hair limp!"

Ernie relayed the commands into his walkie-talkie. In the distance a tall smokestack started spewing thick black clouds.

I sauntered down the hall only to be confronted by an enraged Kanye West.

"George W. Bush does not care about black people!" declared Kanye with a level certainty found only in celebrities and children discussing Santa Claus.

"That's why he keeps hiring them for his cabinet?"

"Exactly!" said Kanye. "He's the reason the levees in New Orleans broke, even though it was a design flaw from the 1960s. He's the reason Nagin left the buses to drown, and it's his refusal to sign Kyoto is what caused Hurricane Katrina."

"Even though Bush's America is the only country to actually reduce carbon emissions," I asked, "while the emissions of most Kyoto signatories went up?"

"What are you doing here with all those facts?" asked Kanye. "My rider specifically demanded a fact free zone!"

"I think it's over by the porta-potty," I said.

"Thanks," said Kanye as he went into the porta-potty. "Goddamn it!" he yelled, "Sheryl Crow used up all the toilet paper! Again!"

I strolled down towards the food service area, might as well see what the rich and famous are eating. The soon to be ex-wife of Larry David: Laurie was lecturing a group of reporters about the importance of maintaining a natural balance.

"So that's why you tore out all that natural desert around your house in Southern California," I asked, "and replaced it with water dependent Kentucky bluegrass? Or is it why you destroyed some rare desert plant life to build a barbecue? Or is that why you drive SUVs to your private jets?"

Trapped in a sudden wave of questions about her actual behaviour the soon to be ex-Mrs. David began to shrink and shrivel.

"I'm melting!" she wailed. "Get me to the nearest botox clinic!"

At that command a bevy of black clad minions swept in, swept her up, and carried her into a Cadillac Escalade. The Escalade's engine roared to life and rocketed out of the area leaving a trail of harsh smelling grey exhaust.

"May I have your attention please," said a droning, almost robotic voice. I turned to see a small dais by the stage entrance, and standing on the dais was Al and Tipper Gore. Their son Al 3 was absent for some reason.

Everyone started gathering before their prophet.

"Only the performers please," said Al Gore. "All you common folks can get back to work."

Al Gore cleared his throat and looked out from his elevated spot onto the cluster of the hopeful innocent eyes of millionaires.

"I would like to thank you young rock and rollers for performing at this event," said Al Gore, "to get out the message of how important I --- I mean Mother Earth truly is. Sure you know nothing of the science of climate change other than what my lap-dogs tell you, but you have the power to compel the common people of the USA to vote for me--- I mean follow the tenets of my plan, which none of us actually follow, and you show great forgiveness in rallying to the cause of a man who has been trying to censor and control you for years. Thank you, now get out there and perform. I gotta lotta carbon credits to unload from this!"

The crowd of rock and rollers cheered.

"Kool-Aid for everyone!" declared Al Gore, earning another cheer.

I decided to not drink the Kool-Aid see what else was happening.

"Controller," I said into my cell-phone/communicator as I ducked behind a parked big rig hauling Bon Jovi's hair gel supply, "beam me to London, Wembley Stadium!"

To be continued...

A True Crime Story...

2007-06-25T17:14:00.000-04:00

Okay, here's the story.

A prisoner doing time for parole violation in Utah is taken to a medical appointment outside prison. While on the outside he overpowers the guard, takes the guard's gun, and kills the guard.

Now he's looking at 1st Degree Murder.

He goes on the run, but is quickly caught.

Because he looks like...

This.

Way to blend in with the crowd in Utah you moron.

This is a perfect case for the death penalty, he's too dumb to be allowed to live. He thinks killing a guard and going on the run while looking like a rejected circus freak makes himself a grat criminal mastermind.

I have one word for it... idiocy.

Not So Fantastic 4!

2007-06-21T12:16:00.000-04:00

A
DISCUSSION OF
MODERN FILM
BY
GALACTUS
DEVOURER OF WORLDS

Okay, I've been doing a little reading about the movie Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer. I've been very curious about that movie, considering it involves my herald that whiny little bastard the Silver Surfer and has to have at least a cameo by yours truly, me.

I wasn't interested in who'd they cast for the role. I have like cosmically big shoes to fill, so it can't be pulled off by any Hollywood pretty boy. I was leaning toward them casting some brawny fellow for the body, but get Christopher Lee to do the voice.

What did Marvel's movie division and 20th Century Fox do?

They made the character based on me a cloud.

A FREAKING CLOUD!

What in the name of the big bang is that all about?

What were they thinking?

That drooling pimple-popping fanboys would fork over their money for a glimpse of Jessica Alba in a spandex bodysuit and not give a royal crap about the rest, that's what they were thinking.

What a pack of bastards.

It shows the exact reason why sequels are under-performing at the box office this year. Producers and filmmakers don't want to deal with characters and stories, all they want are lots of computer generated explosions, chicks in tight outfits, and the occasional shot at the Bush administration. So they take cheap short cuts, like making ME of all the people in the cosmos, a freaking cosmic killer fart.

I'm one of the most powerful villains in the Marvel comics universe. I literally eat planets and shit asteroids. I'm also charming, erudite, and drop dead sexy.

That's not a cloud.

I may not be allowed to eat Earth, but I think I might make a nice light snack out of Hollywood.

Bastards.

I'm A National Treasure!

2007-06-12T14:25:00.001-04:00

A
MAJOR
ANNOUNCEMENT
BY
WILLIAM
"DOLLAR BILL"
JEFFERSON
(D-Louisiana)

Hello Democratic voters and folks with available cash.

It looks like the scat has hit the fan. Even though the Department of Justice was kind enough to wait two years so I could get re-elected, they couldn't wait any longer and indicted me for bribery, corruption, and a lot of other things.

Let me tell you that I will not take this lying down. I've got a lot of race cards, and I'm going to play every one like it was poker night at Al Sharpton's house. I'm going to hurl conspiracy theories, cover-ups, and crackpot theories not even Rosie O'Donnell will fall for.

Now it probably won't work with me being as guilty as homemade sin. But I am a Democrat, and so are a lot of federal judges, so even if I'm found guilty, which I probably will be, I'll most likely get off with probation. Because the justice system is not for fighting real corruption like mine. It's for imprisoning Republicans for not remembering about gossiping about something the prosecutor doesn't even think is a crime.

With my conviction inevitable, I will most likely be impeached from Congress. But don't cry for me. I'm already in negotiations to become a TV star.

Producer and Democrat Norman Lear wants me to star in a 'revamping' of The Jeffersons. Sure Lear hasn't actually produced anything on TV in like 20 years, but I'm sure he still has the same grasp on the public imagination that he did in 1975.

So let's all wish me luck and sing along to the new theme song!

Well I'm movin on out, over a bribe.
To a federal penitentiary for hard time.
Movin on out over a bribe.
For taking a big piece of the pie.

Cash don’t freeze in the kitchen;
Evidence won’t burn on the grill.
Took a whole lotta lyin’ just to stay on Capitol Hill.
Now I'm heading to the big house
Gonna lose my pork barrel fat.
But if the judge is a Democrat I'm home free baby
There ain’t nothin wrong with that.

Then I'll be movin on up, to the East Side.
To a deluxe apartment in the sky.
Movin on up to the east side.
And I'll get to keep my piece of the pie.

Hollywood Roundtable #1

2007-06-07T12:54:00.001-04:00

VOX POPLAR- Hello, and welcome to the premiere edition of Hollywood Roundtable. The blog where the hard hitting issues of the day are discussed by the people who understand them best, Hollywood people. I'm your host, Vox Poplar, blogger and token Earthling correspondent for the MoxArgon Group. Joining me today is actor, activist, comedian, talk-show host, and haiku poet Rosie O'Donnell.

ROSIE O'DONNELL- bush is real terrorist

gulf of Tonkin

google it.

VOX POPLAR- Oscar winning actor, activist and friend to dictators the world over Sean Penn.

SEAN PENN- This administration is the most obscenely criminally...um... criminal government the world has ever known.

VOX POPLAR- Oscar winning writer, activist and creator of Walker: Texas Ranger, Paul Haggis.

PAUL HAGGIS- So what if my movies don't make any money gimme another goddamn Oscar!

VOX POPLAR- And last, but not least, writer of When Harry Met Sally, activist, and renowned international terrorism expert Nora Ephron.

NORA EPHRON- Carl Bernstein ran out on me.

VOX POPLAR- Okay, I'm not sure what that has to do with this blog, but let's move onto our first topic. The FBI recently arrested six men for plotting to blow up the fuel lines for JFK Airport potentially killing thousands of innocent New Yorkers. What's the view from Hollywood folks? First up Rosie.

ROSIE O'DONNELL- I question the timing

battle of the alamo

google it.

VOX POPLAR- Paul Haggis?

PAUL HAGGIS- Yet another example of how the foul and racist United States of Amerikkka destroys the dreams of poor immigrants simply because they're of the wrong race.

VOX POPLAR- Their dream was to kill thousands of innocent people.

PAUL HAGGIS- Does being a citizen of the most fascist and racist state the world has ever known make you innocent?

VOX POPLAR- Ookay. Sean Penn?

SEAN PENN- The trolls of small minded Christian fascists dance in the soiled underwear of Israeli lobbyists.

VOX POPLAR- Nora Ephron?

NORA EPHRON- I think that only the clear eyes of someone who has grown up in the real heart of America, Beverly Hills, can truly understand that these poor innocent Islamist extremists were framed as part of a vast right wing conspiracy to keep Barack Obama from the White House.

PAUL HAGGIS- See that! Even your President's house is racist! You are all racists! Except for me, because I'm from Ontario.

VOX POPLAR- Let's move onto the next topic. Immigration. Should people who break the law be rewarded with amnesty, and does the USA need to reform its immigration laws to make legal immigration easier?

ROSIE O'DONNELL- bush drinks the blood of babies

the death of

captain cook

google it.

SEAN PENN- The fat cats of halliburton and enron frolic like puppies in the bloodstained panties of the mother country.

PAUL HAGGIS- Everyone in America is racist. Except the people who pay to see my movies and give me Oscars.

NORA EPHRON- Isn't it obvious that this is all a big frame up so innocent foreign types can be rounded up and put in Halliburton built death camps.

VOX POPLAR- Next topic. Folks in Hollywood are getting a bad rap for not supporting the troops fighting in Iraq. What is the real view from Hollywood?

ROSIE O'DONNELL- amerikkkan troops kill

650,000,000 Iraqis

orson welles

orson bean

google it.

SEAN PENN- American soldiers are the puppets of the great fascist military industrial complex that sniff the soiled and bloody long-johns of corporate America.

PAUL HAGGIS- I don't support the war, but I support the troops. Even though they are all, to a man, a pack of baby killing, war crime committing, rapist psychopaths who think mass slaughter is the only solution to the world's problems. I even made a movie about how bad they are, the movie sucks, but it's gonna get me another Oscar!

VOX POPLAR- Have you actually met any American soldiers?

PAUL HAGGIS- Yes, a real soldier named Jesse MacBeth told me all about their bloodthirsty ways.

VOX POPLAR- That explains a lot. Nora Ephron?

NORA EPHRON- If American soldiers truly represented American ideals, they'd be from Park Avenue in Manhattan, Beverly Hills, or Malibu. They're just the dregs of fly-over country.

VOX POPLAR- Well, I think that wraps this up for now. So until next time, remember to keep watching the Hollywood Stars, because they know better than you.

-------------------------------------

Gotta Question that only the biggest and brightest brains in the Known Universe can answer? Then CLICK HERE and leave it in the PLEAS section. Do it now because you can't get any answers if you don't ask any questions!

It's Graduation Time...

2007-06-03T12:29:00.000-04:00

I was inspired by Remulak MoxArgon's recent speech at a high school graduation and I decided to look for inspiring graduation speeches.

Yet when I started looking I was less than inspired.

Sheesh.

Conservative speakers were outnumbered by Leftist speakers a staggering 8 to 1 at America's universities.

And I think the following speech is just a little too far...

HOPE FOR THE FUTURE

Transcript of a speech given to the Wasamatta University School of Journalism by Al Qaida spokesman Adam Gadahn.

Greetings infidel journalism graduates.

(smack)

I am grateful to be invited to speak to your class, in fact I jump at any excuse to get out of the cave. The air here is remarkably fresh and devoid of pesky bombs.

(smack)

But I'm not here to talk about the charms of the Tribal Regions. I'm here to offer my advice as an experienced media professional to you young hopeful journalism graduates. Hopefully, you will be able to follow my advice before we restore the global caliphate and slit all of your throats, leaving your blood to flow in rivers.

(smack)

Anyhoo.

(smack)

First. Keep blaming America. Even if America has nothing to do with whatever the hell is happening, blame them anyway. Look at Darfur, there's a genocide going on and the blame can only be placed squarely on Sudan's Islamist government and their Red Chinese co-dependents. Yet the media coverage makes it look like the sole cause is George W. Bush. That's great.

(smack)

Second. Keep ignoring things that makes the Iraq War look right. Ignore Saddam's human rights abuses, his aggression, and his corruption of the United Nations. Ignore that even Saddam's own generals thought he had WMDs and keep on the 'Bush lied' mantra. And keep on harping about Bush lying about Saddam being involved with 9/11. Sure he didn't order it, but he did give aid, shelter and medical care to those who did. It's up to you future journalists to follow your brothers who are already in the Mainstream Media in keeping that information suppressed.

(smack)

Third. You must also keep up the good work being done by your media in breaking the spirit of your country by accentuating and exaggerating every negative story associated with your military. Every victory must be presented as a defeat, the death of every American soldier must be hyped as much as the death of Princess Diana, and you must keep up with the accusations of torture and abuse, even though the only sources are people like me. Plus, you must maintain the ongoing suppression of Al Qaida's own torture manual.

(smack)

So in closing. I'd like to thank the Democratic Party and their friends in American infidel media, and tell them that my buddies in Al Qaida are really counting on your support. It takes a rare kind of person to aid and comfort an enemy in wartime just so they can get some short term political gain.

(smack)

Thank you all. Death to America!

The Assault on Treason Reason

2007-05-23T21:16:00.000-04:00

A
PAID POLITICAL
ANNOUNCEMENT
BY
ENVIRONMENTAL PROFITEER &
FORMER VICE PRESIDENT

AL GORE

My fellow Democrats and all you folks in flyover country. I am here to warn you of a grave danger that threatens America.

It's not terrorists.

It's not Kim Jong Il and his nuclear bombs.

And for once, it's not Global Warming. Even though that will destroy you all if you do not bow down and worship me!

It's people who are criticizing my new book The Assault on Reason.

All I can say is:

HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!!!

I am Al Gore.

I possess all knowledge.

I can predict the weather of 50 years in the future with 100% accuracy.

I have a freaking Oscar!

I am a GOD compared to you measly little Republican pukes and you dare to use your propaganda machine at Fox News to smear my mighty name.

So what if I play around with a few facts.

So what if I rewrite history about the Clinton administration, of which I was Vice President, believing in Saddam's WMDs as strongly as the Bush Administration.

So what if I make broad claims, mostly devoid of any actual facts. I'm trying to sell myself to the Kos Kids and Soros-suckers who currently control the Democratic Party so I can swoop in and seize the Presidential nomination from the Ice Queen herself, and after that, the White House.

I've already got people worshiping me as some sort of climate mastering deity, so why shouldn't I have the political power to go with it.

Screw Christianity, the Church of Gaia is the new faith, and Al Gore is its prophet.

So what if all my predictions are wrong, and that Earth is now entering a cooling phase, thus turning all my stances on their ear.

The general public will never know.

I've got the media so far up my butt, Katie Couric can tell you the condition of my colon. They accept everything I say as gospel, which it is, and never question my selective editing of history and science in order to sell books and questionable carbon ~~indulgences~~ offsets, making me rich.

All except those fascists at Fox News.

When I am your ~~King~~ President, I will join with the permanent Democratic Majority to pull Fox's license so they will no longer pollute the air with facts, figures, and history.

So accept my rule.

OR ACCEPT YOUR DOOM!

Elizabeth Hasselbee-otch!

2007-05-23T17:56:00.000-04:00

An
Excerpt
from the
Personal Blog of
Rosie O'Donnell
(Queen of All Media)

-how dare that blond bimbo breeder
-imply that i dont support the troops
-simply because i keep claiming that
-they kill innocent civilians
-for halliburton
-and bush-hitler
-who was really behind 9/11

-i support the troops
-they r all fascist baby killing scumbags

-google it

-had to play the victim card
-to shut her up
-claiming evil people pick on me
-because Im fat lesbian
-instead of loudmouth limo lefty
-who hates the country that made her rich
-those evil right wingers dont pick on ellen degeneres
-just because shes skinny
-& doesnt hate america

-so what if saddam gave al-qaida
-money
-shelter
-health care
-& violated every clause of the cease-fire
-killed kurds
-killed shia
-threatened neighbors
-he didn't order 9/11
-dick cheney did
-i know the truth

-fire does not melt steel

-FIRE DOES NOT MELT STEEL

-Im the victim here

-hasselback didnt shut up when i started yelling
-how can i bully her if she fights back

-fighting back is wrong

-especially against me
-& terrorists
-terrorist just need hugs
-and amerikkka to sign the kyoto accord
-name hillary our queen
-then peace will come to the world

-i hate this country

-the fact that it allowed someone like me to become rich and famous
-makes me sick

-so dont pick on me
-point out my mistakes
-loony conspiracy theories
-ignorance of world affairs
-or ill say ur picking on me because im a fat lesbian

-elizabeth is the new mccarthy

-evil christian scumbags

-i hate u all

-y dont u luv me?

Bleat The Press

2007-05-20T18:17:00.000-04:00

TIM RUSSERT: Good day and welcome to the debut episode of Bleat The Press, where the thoroughly unbiased members of the media, like my co-hosts unbiased journalist and voice of reason Chris Matthews and reknowned expert on science and politics: Rosie O'Donnel, discuss the issues of the week with our panel of unbiased and downright brilliant political leaders.

ROSIE O'DONNELL: They are so great, I was having fits in the dressing room. Tell the folks at home who we got today Chris Matthews.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: Joining our bipartisan panel today is Speaker of the House and freelance diplomat Nancy Pelosi, Senate Majority Leader and military strategist Harry Reid, and finally a reknowned environmental scientist and statesman, the man who would have prevented America from being the boiling cesspool that it is, if he hadn't had his presidency stolen from him by the Bush-Halliburton conspiracy: President Al Gore. Can I say how great it is for all of you to bless me with your presence.

NANCY PELOSI: It's nothing really.

HARRY REID: It's the least we can do.

AL GORE: It's all part of the greatness that is me.

TIM RUSSERT: I have the first question. What great things would you do if you were President instead of Bush?

NANCY PELOSI: I'd pull out of Iraq and put our support behind real champions of freedom, like Syria and Iran.

HARRY REID: I'd pull the broadcast licenses of all who dare oppose us, like those fascists at Fox News.

AL GORE: I'd make the flowers bloom, the sun shine, and bring peace to the Earth.

ROSIE O'DONNELL: I got the next question. You folks are so nice, why do those Nazis at Fox News want to keep you down?

NANCY PELOSI: Because they're evil.

HARRY REID: They dare to ask us hard questions about John Murtha threatening another representative on the floor of Congress, or Diane Feinstein's appropriations shenanigans, or that we haven't actually accomplished anything since we were elected.

AL GORE: Fox is afraid of me because I speak truth to power. That and they're in the pay of big oil. It's all about big oil.

NANCY PELOSI: It's poor people like Al Gore here are truly suffering because of the Fox News Nazis and their friend on talk radio and the blogs. That's why we want to bring back the fairness doctrine, so we can eliminate such unfettered free speech and leave it to properly unbiased people like you.

HARRY REID: Yeah, those loser Americans waste their time listening to people they like and will not listen to Air America unless we force them by law.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: I have the next question. What do you hate most about America?

NANCY PELOSI: Christians.

HARRY REID: People who dare challenge my authority to declare wars lost and my right to demoralize our troops in the face of the enemy.

AL GORE: Big oil companies that won't pay me millions for the carbon credits that will wash all their sins away. Can't you hear mother earth screaming?

CHRIS MATTHEWS: You people are all so brilliant, I wish we could spend the whole show with you, and Al Gore, I would like to have your babies. But in the spirit of fairness we have to bring in someone to speak for those evil Republicans. So here is a statement by Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul.

RON PAUL: America is a wretched turd on the blanket of human progress. Bush was responsible for 9/11. America is evil and must be destroyed.

ROSIE O'DONNELL: Finally, a Republican not afraid to speak the truth.

RON PAUL: I think I soiled myself. Where am I?

TIM RUSSERT: And now for a heated debate that looks at both sides of the issue is Point-Counterpoint with former President Jimmy Carter and Democratic chairman Howard Dean. Your question today gentlemen is: How bad is George W. Bush?

JIMMY CARTER: George W. Bush is the most vile, evil, and disgusting excuse for a human being that has ever disgraced the White House. When I was president everyone was happy, the economy was strong, the environment was perfect, and there was no such thing as Islamic terrorism. What do you think Howard Dean?

HOWARD DEAN: YEEEEEAAAAAGGGGHH!!!!

JIMMY CARTER: My point exactly. Back to you Tim Russert.

TIM RUSSERT: And that's all the time we have for today. I'd like to thank my guests and my co-hosts and we'll see you next time.

Tinky Winky On Jerry Falwell's Passing

2007-05-16T09:01:00.000-04:00

A
EULOGY
BY
TINKY
WINKY

(Children's Entertainer)

Longtime evangelist, activist and founder of the Moral Majority Jerry Falwell passed away yesterday, and he is mourned by a lot of people.

I am not one of them.

Falwell had the unmitigated balls to call me gay.

ME GAY?

Not that there's anything wrong with it, but what the hell was he smoking?

Sure, I'm purple, but that doesn't mean I'm not all man, if you know what I mean. Hell, once the chicks go purple.... well there isn't a word that rhymes with purple, but you get the picture.

Tinky's winky is strictly for the ladies.

Heck, I think I might have fathered half the kids on our show if the paternity suits are anything to go by.

And his other piece of so-called 'evidence' was his claim that I carried a 'purse.' A goddamn purse?

That is a European carry-all. I keep my condoms, extra pants, little black book (which is quite large), and Hai Karate cologne in there if you really must know. I mean sweet zombie Zeus, it's not like I'm one of those la-dee-da metrosexuals like Dipsy, if his hat doesn't make you suspicious, I don't know what will, or a raging skank like Laa-Laa, or a needy emotional cripple like Po, who likes her schnapps a little too much for a professional. What a pack of bastards they are....

But I digress...

Enough about the late Mr. Falwell's misunderstanding of my personal life, let's move onto some of the other things he's said.

Now I'm as right wing as you can get in the entertainment biz. I'm pro-life and I think Rosie O'Donnell is nuttier than a pound of squirrel turds, and that Sean Penn should only speak when someone else is writing his lines, and that if someone goes after you with a knife, you go after him with a gun, he puts one of your men in the hospital you put ten of his in the morgue, that's the Chicago way.

However, Falwell's stands have always made me uncomfortable.

He was always a little too quick to blame God for the actions of men and using it to justify his own desire for political power. I mean come on, 9/11 was not God's punishment on the USA, the most Christian country on Earth, it was a crime committed by a bunch of whack-job camel molesters with sand-for brains worshiping a twisted bastardized facsimile of god with a thirst for blood worse than Dracula on a hunger strike.

Falwell did mobilize America's so-called Religious Right, but while many Americans consider themselves 'conservative Christians,' most can best be described as a 'militant middle' who are decidedly uncomfortable with Falwell and his many inflammatory statements.

I often found his remarks did more to mobilize the elitist political-Left in the media and politics than unite the religious right. I don't think Rosie O'Donnell and her 9/11 Truther-Hate America-Hate Christians ilk would be on the air in the MSM if it weren't for Falwell's publicity mongering giving them a false sense of legitimacy as 'rebels' against his so-called 'fundamentalist oppression' and giving some illusion of credence to their prejudices.

And his campaign against people like me, with absolutely false allegations of homosexuality, not only trivialized his work, but distracted people from the more important things, like preserving freedom in the face of creeping political correctness and rampaging Islamofascism.

I should have sued his ass.

Anyway, let's hope the conservative Christian movement finds new leadership that's more concerned with the welfare of people's souls and the preservation of America's Judeo-Christian based culture of freedom, than their own political power.

Bye-bye.

FRED!

2007-05-15T17:48:00.000-04:00

Too bad he's leaving Law & Order, because aside from the aesthetic appeal of Milena Govich, he was the only voice of reason in an increasingly unreasonable show.

Here's Fred Thompson's response to Michael "Publicity Whore" Moore's demand for a public debate:

Rosie O'Donnell: They're All In On It!

2007-05-15T10:11:00.000-04:00

AN EXCERPT FROM
THE BLOG OF
TV PERSONALITY
ROSIE
O'DONNELL

- giuliani was in on 9/11

- had sent the steel to china

- keep people from finding out that fire dont melt steel

- i know the truth

- thats why THE MAN wants to shut me up

- make me leave the view

- i have proof giuliani in on 9/11

- look at how his name is pronounced

- jew-lee-ani

- its like the davinci code

- jew for his israeli-zionist masters

- lee for robert e lee who was king of the south during the civil war who invented slavery

- ani which rhymes with Annie a musical featuring DADDY WARBUCKS a professional arms dealer and RETHUGLIKKKAN

- all will become clear when i lose the deadwood from the view

- get my own show

-hillary becomes president & pelosi bans free speech of people who call me crazy

-I AM NOT CRAZY!

- Im just smarter than everyone else

-u included

George W. Bush Doesn't Care About White People

2007-05-11T09:38:00.000-04:00

A
PAID
POLITICAL
ANNOUNCEMENT

KATHLEEN SEBELIUS
Democratic Governor of Kansas

My fellow Democrats and other assorted Kansans.

There are some people, raving fascist types, who are daring to criticize my handling of the tornado that destroyed the town of Greenburg, Kansas where I held back on calling in the National Guard to help people for 2 days while making statements to the press that the Kansas National Guard was undermanned and under-equipped because of the war in Iraq.

Okay, so maybe it wasn't true.

Or accurate.

So what that the Kansas National Guard had over 83,000 men, 393 trucks and 352 Humvees available to help a town of 1,500 people.

I had a political point to make.

I'm a Democrat, and there was a natural disaster in my state. It is my sworn duty as a Democrat to use my constitutional power to withhold needed aid and then lie about it to the press by blaming it on the Bush administration and the Iraq War.

And the press bought it, lock, stock, and barrel because it fits the narrative they want to hear and what they want to propagate.

So what if it isn't true.

My only complaint is that newbie Obama got all those fascist blogger types fact-checking by declaring over 10,000 people died in a town of 1,500.

Rookie mistake.

He has to learn that when selling the press lies about the Bush administration you need to follow some simple guidelines:

-Say nothing the Feds do is right.

-Blame Bush for that.

-Say that there are shortages of men and material even when there isn't one.

-Blame the Iraq War for that.

-Blame Bush for the Iraq War.

-Blame Global Warming.

-Blame Bush for Global Warming.

-Keep your bogus 'Body Counts' within the population of the affected area.

-Blame Bush for the high body counts.

-When real death tolls come out, blame Bush for miscount, but keep repeating the incorrect numbers to the press.

-Blame Bush for that too.

-Rinse.

-Repeat.

28 Neocons Later

2007-05-10T17:42:00.000-04:00

I recently saw the preview for the film 28 Weeks Later. It's the sequel to a British horror film called 28 Days Later. With talk of the sequel in the air, I decided to get off my butt and watch the DVD of the original 28 Days Later, and what I found was a very interesting and probably unintentional Neocon allegory.

Don't call me crazy just yet, hear me out, and be careful if you haven't seen the film yet, here there be spoilers.

The premise of the film is that a virus called Rage has wiped out civilization in England and probably the rest of the world.

The virus was safely contained, but was let out by a group of radical animal rights activists. Sort of like Europe's Political Left's welcoming of radical Salafist and Wahabi groups into their countries to and to dominate their Muslim populations. The Political Left, like the animal rights radicals in the film, claim, and may even believe that they're doing the right thing, but instead, they unleash Rage that leads to violence and death.

The people infected with rage are incapable of maintaining the technologically advanced infrastructure of a modern state, and things begin to rapidly fall apart. Sort of like what's happening to countries already under the sway of Salafist/Wahabi leadership that don't have the benefit of being propped up by petro-dollars and foreign expertise.

In 28 Days Later the survivors are woefully unequipped to deal with the outbreak of Rage or even to defend themselves against those who do have it. It kind of reminds me of the European Union's ongoing plans to disarm the populace and making things like self-defense illegal. Heck the survivors in the film don't even see guns until after they meet some soldiers, forcing them to run in terror or struggle with improvised weapons at the arrival of any of the infected when a simple pistol could save lives. The whole film is really a big fat argument against gun control.

And when they meet the soldiers, led by a Major West, who have all the guns, it does not turn out well. They're sequestered in a fortified mansion waiting for the infected to starve, and luring survivors in order to kill the men and keep the women in order to 'repopulate the country.'

Now some may say that it's a pretty harsh statement against the military, and that's probably what the filmmakers intended, but on an allegorical level it says something a little different.

The soldiers struck me as most like the EU's bureaucrats and politicians. Their duty is to protect and serve the nations of Europe, but instead they spend their time making vague bullsh*t promises of having 'the answer' to the problems of the day while their real intention is to get their rocks off at the expense of personal freedom and everything they claim to stand for.

They also match the EUrocrats by justifying their crimes as being for the 'greater good.'

And what's the final image of the movie? The image of hope for tomorrow needed to wrap up the film's fairly grim story?

It's an American military fighter jet.

Yep, no matter how bad things get, those pesky Yanks, who they love to deride, will come to save them.

You can't get more Neocon than that.

A Little Musical Moment

2007-05-09T10:54:00.000-04:00

There's been a lotta talk about the riot at MacArthur Park, with fingers being pointed and accusations made on both sides.

So I've decided to unite the two warring sides with song.

It's to the tune of Richard Harris' MacArthur park, sing along if you like.

Cops were there waiting for us, girl
And I clocked one on his head
With a big rock tossed from my own two hands
I could see that the cops were pissed
And ready to beat my ass with iron
I suddenly pissed my woven hemp cargo pants

MacArthur's Park police dogs start to bark
All the LAPD beating down
Rubber bullets coming down like rain
I don't think that I can mend it
'Cause I started it and the cops will end it
And I'll have to run far away again
Oh, no!

The Poplar Report: May Day May Day Hey Day!

2007-05-04T18:50:00.000-04:00

Good evening Mr. & Mrs. Internet and all her sites in cyberspace, let's go to press:

DATELINE- LOS ANGELES: The fish wrap of record for the City of Angels set their ink stained-phasers to 'smear' today with a story implying that former senator-actor Fred Thompson is a racist for playing a racist on a TV crime show in 1988.

Using the LA Times' logic I hereby demand the arrest of Anthony Hopkins for the murder and cannibalism committed in Silence of the Lambs, Sean Penn locked up for the murders he committed in Dead Man Walking, and Alec Baldwin arrested for being an agent of Kim Jong-Il, as seen in Team America: World Police, and lock up Rosie O'Donnell for unlawful portrayal of a human being.

DATELINE-MILWAUKEE: A controversial leftist radio talk show host is being criticized for saying that he was 'glad' that the mother of a rival talk show host died in a fire. Now I have to tell those critics that Michael McGee is African-American, a professional race-baiter, and left wing, so anyone who criticizes him, or challenges his statements, logic, or decency, is a racist.

He sure does have a face made for radio, doesn't he? I get the feeling that Mr. McGee is a regular Mr. Magoo when he's looking for the old shampoo bottle.

DATELINE-CYBERSPACE: Some brainbox at the Huffington Post decided to think aloud about the possibility of Paul Wolfowitz's lady friend, Shaha Riza is a spy because she was born in Libya and raised in Saudi Arabia. All I have to say is:

STEVE CLEMONS IS A RACIAL PROFILING RACIST!

If he acts like one, by calling a woman with a lifetime dedicated to public service and human rights a spy for dictators on the basis of her ethnicity, then he deserves to be called one.

That's all for tonight folks, good night, good luck, and good grief.

DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK #6

2007-05-03T11:56:00.000-04:00

It's that time of the week again.

Time to pick some special person to be this blog's DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK!

This week's been an embarrassment of riches in the douchebag department so I'm going to hand it out willy nilly.

First up....

GEORGE TENET

Took a career at the CIA defined by failure, incompetence, and a complete lack of foresight and imagination, and managed to redefine himself as a hero to the media, all because he's now attacking the Bush administration.

Way to show loyalty there Mr. Tenet.

Next up...

CONGRESSIONAL DEMOCRATS

Yep, all of them. From writing wartime budgets openly calling for the surrender of a nation to the whims of genocidal maniacs, to openly supporting the enemies of democracy by decrying the war effort as "lost"...

To trekking off to make kissy face with mass murdering tyrants in blatant violation of the constitution, the Logan Act, and basic American decency...
To covering up a corruption scandal that makes Randy "Duke" Cunningham look like a shoplifter at a five and dime.

And all to score political points and please their big-money masters, aided by an obedient and dimwitted media.

You really are...

DOUCHEBAGS OF THE WEEK!

The Reports of My Death....

2007-05-02T11:25:00.000-04:00

A
SPECIAL GUEST
COMMENTARY
BY
ABU AYYUB AL-MASRI
(Grand Poobah of Al Qaida in Iraq)

Hi, y'all.

It's me, Abu Al-Masri, AKA Abu Hamza, AKA the best friend the Democrats have in Iraq.

Now there have been reports going around that I've died, passed on, slipped the surly bonds of Earth, rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. Other reports won't say if I'm alive or dead.

Well let me clear this up.

I don't know.

There was some violence the other day. Angry words were said, folks insulted the mothers of other folks, shots were fired and then someone started slinging the bombs. Now I'm not sure if I'm alive or dead, or what.

I don't think Heaven's supposed to be this hot, but it could just be that Global Warming Al Gore is always jabbering about. Plus, I don't see my 72 virgins, so I'm guessing that I'm probably still alive, but I'm not so sure. I feel kinda funny.

Now the violence that put me in my present confused state was sparked by a little misunderstanding between my posse in Al Qaida and some of the local Sunni homeboys. It seems the locals don't care for all the civilian killing me and my boys are doing. They also don't like the swag I've been scoring from the dude who's turning into Iran's answer to Richard Gere. Something about them being Shi'a paying us to kill Sunni and other Shi'a, blah-blah-blah and all that.

I mean they're being really dim here. I mean we're Al Qaida, what else could anyone expect from us. Our entire purpose is to kill and kill and to keep killing until we rule the world and save it from the obscenity of putting cucumbers next to tomatoes.

They shouldn't be turning on us just because we kill their people. It's all part of the game, and they should be happy for all the free martyrs we're making.

But you just can't please some people.

I bet you think it's easy being me. Well let me tell you buddy, it ain't. I gotta lotta stress with this gig. I gotta keep the bombs and bombers running 24/7 and, depsite what the press say, it's getting harder and harder to recruit people willing to blast themselves into putty for the cause.

And it's not like I can rely on my 'allies' either. Both Syria's ~~Asshat~~ Assad and Iran's Ahmadinejad are hanging by threads as they're people are starting to wonder why they're pissing away all that oil money. Both would gladly sell me and my pals out if it could save their own asses.

I mean, come on, it's turning out that the only people I can trust to watch my back are Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi. They're the only ones who will stand by me, demand America's surrender, and crown me as the Caliph of Iraq.

Of course, they're only doing it to try to win over the Daily Kos/HuffPo crowd, but buggers can't be choosers. Isn't that how the saying goes?

Anyway, I gotta go figure out if I'm alive or dead.

Damn it's hot.

Fire Meet Steel

2007-04-30T17:17:00.000-04:00

An
Excerpt
from the
Personal Blog
of
Rosie O'Donnell
(uncrowned queen of All media)

-tanker truck blew up in San Francisco

-destroyed overpass above it

-now people saying fire has melted steel

- i question the timing

-stinks of a set up

-all out to get me

-karl rove forced abc to deny my money demands

-made them refuse to fire barbara walters

-i'll show them

-my show biggest in history

-make more money than dr. phil & oprah combined

-they can't stop me

-i'm all powerful

-i know they used lasers & black magic

-to melt bridge

-to make me look crazy

-IM NOT CRAZY!

-they are crazy

-but im onto them

Blaming Bush is a Slam Dunk!

2007-04-29T12:34:00.000-04:00

A MOMENT OF
TRUTH COMMENTARY

by
GEORGE TENET
(former Director of the CIA)

Hi.

I'm a little uncomfortable doing this whole 'Moment of Truth' commentary, and it's not because I'm locked in a steel tube covered with strange machinery and weird arcane symbols that render me unable to lie. I've spent my entire career in Washington, so I've never had much experience with telling the truth.

Anyhoo.

A lotta folks are dumping on me for dumping on Bush in my latest book. But look at it from my perspective.

I was a grade-A screw-up.

Really, I was.

I blew just about everything I was even remotely involved with.

That does not bode well if you're looking to pad the old pension with a book deal and a consulting spot with a news network.

Then my old colleague Michael Schueuer told me what to do.

BLAME BUSH

That's right. All I had to do was blame Bush for all my bloopers, bleepers and boners, and I'd be on easy street, with book deals, invitations to all the right parties, and a movie deal where I'll be played by George Clooney. Sure, nobody outside of Al Qaida will pay to see it, but it's still pretty cool.

The formula is simple. Make up some stories claiming that the evil Bush-Halliburton-Zionist conspiracy forced me to lie to force America into war, completely contradict everything I've ever said before, and I go from zero to hero in two seconds flat.

Sure, none of it is true, but it's what the media and the Democrats want to be true. They'd believe me if I said that the Bush Administration was secretly controlled by a cabal of leprechauns that live on a diet of stolen oil and baby blood. It doesn't matter what every intelligence agency on the planet and Saddam himself said, if it makes Bush looks bad, they'll buy it wholesale.

All it takes is the complete abandonment of my ethics, patriotism, sense of duty, and basic decency.

It was just that easy.

Now can I get out of this damn tube?

After We Disarm America

2007-04-27T18:32:00.000-04:00

A
SPECIAL
GUEST
COMMENTARY
BY
DAN SIMPSON
Former Ambassador & Constitutional Expert

Hi.

I'm Dan Simpson, and if you're not familiar with me I recently wrote an article for the Toledo Blade about how special squads of police could 'disarm America' in the wake of the Virginia Tech shootings.

Well, that's just the beginning.

Once we have those horrible drooling baby-killing psychopaths known as American gun-owners disarmed we can start a program to make America truly great.

I'm proposing that we cleanse America of gun owners.

You see, once our Special Squads, or SS for short, disarm the general public, they can begin rounding up gun owners and placing them in special places, like summer camps, where they can concentrate on the wrongness of gun ownership. I guess we can call them concentration camps for short.

Once in these concentration camps these evil gun-owners will have undergo a strenuous program of having filthy thoughts, like practicing their constitutional rights washed from their minds. I like to call this program brain-washing.

Now there will be some people who will resist this brain-washing. Claiming it violates their rights as a citizen in a democratic republic. They will have to be calmed down using some sort of special gas in a special gas chamber until their demands for freedom no longer annoy the state.

So you see folks, the way to save America is by following me and eliminating all those pesky things you gun owning psychopaths call 'rights.'

Doesn't it sound so reasonable?

I'm Just Wild About Harry!

2007-04-27T10:59:00.000-04:00

AN EXCERPT FROM
MAHMOUD'S MAD-LIBS
THE PERSONAL BLOG OF
MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD
PRESIDENT OF IRAN

MOOD: Giddy :D
SONG: My Humps -The Black Eyed Peas

I'm really learning to love that infidel Harry Reid. The Surge is slicing up Jihadis from Anbar to Appetite, I got Muqtada Al-Sadr lying on my couch in the fetal position munching Doritos and wetting his robes every time there's a knock on the door, I've driven the economy of my country into the ground by wasting billions on terrorists, and Harry Reid says that "America has lost."

That's just too f*cking priceless.

It really is.

I couldn't have done it better myself.

Harry Reid is the Lord Haw-Haw of the 21st Century, selling out his own country to an apocalyptic fascist like myself (hey I might be crazy, but I ain't stupid) all to score political points. It's too much joy.

And to think of all the American soldiers who will be die because their morale has been negatively effected by a shameless whore like Harry Reid?

That man's worth a truckload of IEDs, he really is.

And he doesn't seem to care one ounce about the repercussions of his actions.

Doesn't he realize what will happen when Iran finally goes fully nuclear?

I'll kill or enslave enough people to bring back the 12th Imam to rule the f*cking world, and Harry and his pals will be to nutless to do a damn thing about it.

And think of all the people that will die when the Democrats get back into the White House and pull out of Iraq.

And how pretty Israel will be as it bakes in a nuclear fire courtesy of my very own Islamic Bomb.

And think of all the dirty bombs my pals will be able to smuggle anywhere in the world once the Democrats stop all the security stuff.

So many dead and dying, my nipples are getting hard just thinking about it.

It'll be glorious.

So let this be a lesson to you.

TERRORISM WORKS

Especially with Democrats.

They'll slit their own throats if it would hurt Republicans.

Or let us do it for them.

They're just too stupid and petty to be real.

But they are.

Isn't that great?

Rosie: Exit Stage Left

2007-04-26T11:49:00.000-04:00

An
Excerpt from
the blog of
Rosie O'Donnell
(ex-queen of The View)

-i hate abc

-cheap bastards

-won't pay me $10-$40 million a year (depending on who you listen to)

-all because im rude

-crude

-and repulsive

-trump sux

-bush sux

-america sux

-cristians sux

-terrorists will leave us alone when...

- i get my own show

- hillary elected president

- sign kyoto

- i want more money!

DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK #5

2007-04-26T11:41:00.000-04:00

Today we present a very special Douchebag of the Week a man who managed to embarrass his political party, himself and his country, while simultaneously helping the enemies of democracy worldwide.

Yep, I'm talking about....

SEN HARRY REID

Mr. Reid showed that he is ready, willing and able to assist Islamic Terrorists with broad declarations of defeat, to spit on a Republican administration, and then declare that he will ignore any and all evidence to the contrary.

Harry, you really are the...

DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK

The Truth According To Bill

2007-04-25T12:36:00.000-04:00

A
SPECIAL
GUEST
COMMENTARY
BY
BILL MOYERS

Hello. It's me, Bill Moyers.

In case you're one of those dim-witted Republican-Christian types who don't know who I am, I used to be a hack for the late President Lyndon Johnson and now I'm the PBS equivalent of herpes, you can never really get rid of me.

I'm here to tell you something very important, in fact the future of democracy depends on it.

Bill O'Reilly eats puppies.

That's right.

He eats puppies.

Cute fluffy puppies.

He eats them alive. Sometimes chewing them, filling the air with their plaintive puppy screams, or swallowing them whole, not unlike some sort of monstrous leviathan that Joseph Campbell would have written about.

Then after the puppies he has chilled baby seal eyes for desert and washes it all down with a tall glass of kitten blood.

Now I know you're saying that I must have proof to make these allegations and I do have proof.

Bill O'Reilly is a conservative.

That's all the proof you really need.

But if you require more convincing then I suggest you click this thing you young people call a LINK. On that video he displays the unbridled audacity of a puppy eating servant of the Bush/Halliburton/Fox/Zionist smear machine by calling me a liar.

All because I happen to accuse him of things that didn't happen and of saying things he didn't say.

That's not lying.

That's called being a good journalist.

Something a smear artist like O'Reilly could never be with all of his incriminating tapes and evidence. He's too hung up facts, like my use of talking points from the George Soros funded group Media Matters.

Well after I forced a foundation to give them half a million dollars I should be getting something back on my investment.

Besides, what should that foundation have spent its money on?

Starving children?

Please.

That's why I must tell everyone of the evil Bush/Halliburton/Fox/Zionist smear machine and how it's brutally silencing their critics.

So I beg you to please check the local listings for your government funded PBS station to find my next documentary.

Your life may depend on it.

The 33rd Victim?

2007-04-24T17:29:00.000-04:00

Okay I've been hearing a lot of talk lately about the Virginia Tech shooting having 33 victims. Now I was under the impression that the shooter, Cho, had shot 32 people before shooting himself, so I was wondering if I had read the reports wrong or what. Nope, I had read them right.

But it seems that folks out there who class this dill-hole...

...as the 33rd victim.

WHAT THE HELL?

He was the victimizer. If it wasn't for him, there wouldn't have been 32 real victims in the first place.

But he was mentally ill, say some folks.

So what? I respond.

The bulk of mentally ill people do not go around killing innocent people.

Also, I doubt he would have been able to win with an insanity defense. To win a plea of insanity would require him to prove that his delusions prevented him from distinguishing right from wrong.

His manifesto didn't say that he had to kill everyone to stop the aliens from planting their eggs in his brain or some similar delusion, it just said that he had killed those people because he hated them. It was pure and simple hatred.

That doesn't make him crazy.

That makes him evil.

But he was a product of violent video games and movies, they then say.

Millions of people, some with mental disorders, see violent movies and play violent games and do not go out and kill people. I believe that no one is made a murderer by the media or some other outside force. The desire to commit one of the most horrible crimes must come from within, from something a lot of people choose to ignore these days.

Something called character.

Character is what kept civilization growing and developing in a world fraught not with the fantastical violence of movies and video games, but real physical violence, from everyday familial abuse, to war, to lawlessness. Most of history held life cheap, something that has only recently started to change, and that is due to people with strong moral characters working to make good moral choices the norm.

Cho would have been okay if America had banned guns, the self-righteous declare, Britain banned guns after a school shooting and everyday is happy unicorn day over there.

That's the usual argument, but it doesn't quite hold up anymore.

School shootings are still relatively rare, just think of the number of schools and universities in North America and multiply them by 365 days a year, and you will see that days like the one in Virginia Tech are extremely rare, despite what the media say.

So simple random chance can explain why Britain hasn't had another Dunblane. And the gun ban actually caused gun violence in the UK to skyrocket, because only criminals carry guns in Britain. So while there hasn't been another school shooting, there have been an ever increasing number of shootings in homes, pubs, businesses and streets in the UK.

And then there's the incident in 2002 where a school shooter wannabe was stopped by two students armed with pistols. Something they wouldn't have been able to do if their school had the VT style gun ban.

And even if America had no guns at all Cho probably would have just imitated the terrible Bath school massacre of 1927, where a malignant walking tumor named Kehoe, blew up a school full of children, then blew himself up while attempting to kill the people trying to rescue the children. He killed 45 people, mostly children, and wounded another 58.

He didn't have any guns, or violent video games and he had the worst bodycount in American history until Tim McVeigh showed the world what a prick he could be.

Would using a homemade bomb have been better?

But he was bullied, say the champions of victim Cho, top that.

I was a big kid with a studious nature and reputation for being a peaceful kinda guy, that made me a target for every self-anointed 'tough guy' in the school district. I followed a very strict code when it came to dealing with bullies. It went something like this:

Smack the bully, don't hit the innocent bystander.

You see what I'm getting at?

Probably not, so let me explain.

If John bullies Jim, Jim has the right to deliver a swift knee to the nads to John. It does not give Jim the right to shoot Betty in the head.

Does that make sense to you?

So that's why we must take a new tack when dealing with mass shooters like Cho, the Columbine Kids, and all the others.

We don't give them sympathy.

We don't give them respect.

We don't fear them.

That's what they want.

It's the main reason why they did what they do.

It's the pity parties or fits of terrified public hysteria that inspire more shooters than an army of violent movies, video games, or free guns.

People who choose to act out their issues on the innocent deserve only two things:

Mockery and Derision

That's right.

Don't give them what they want, give them shit.

It's what they deserve.

And maybe the public shaming of these rectal pimples will prevent someone doing it in the future, fearful that they will receive in death even worse abuse than what they got in life.

And do the same thing with those terrorists too.

Deep down, they are all the same.

Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey

2007-04-23T16:53:00.000-04:00

A
MOMENT OF TRUTH
INTERVIEW
WITH
SENATOR HARRY REID

VOX- Welcome everyone. Now you've been subjected to some Paid political announcements from Democrat Majority Leader Harry Reid. Today, Senator Reid announced that he and his minions in congress will pass a bill demanding to start the ~~surrender~~ withdrawal of US troops on October 1st and hopefully have the genocide started within 6 months. And I've convinced Senator Reid to join me to discuss this new development in a Moment of Truth Interview.

REID- I never agreed to one of your Moment of Truth Interviews!

WHIRR!

ZAP!

CLANK!

REID- Let me out of this tube! Let me out!

VOX- I'm afraid you can't come out of the Magical Vox Poplar Patented Tube of Truth until you have answered some questions. Okay, let's get this interview started. Why do you want the US to withdraw so quickly from Iraq?

REID- Because it looks like the surge is working dammit! And it's only a matter of time before our friends in the media can't ignore it anymore, and that would hurt us.

VOX- Who is this 'us' you're talking about?

REID- Democrats. If this war gets won we can kiss our majority in congress goodbye, and if we lose that, we'll lose all that sweet, sweet money from big business and political action groups.

VOX- So you're willing to humiliate America, embolden jihadis and condemn Iraq to a real civil war, no doubt involving a nuclear Iran to win elections?

REID- Of course. That's the credo of the Democratic Party: Do whatever it takes to win power, no matter how many people it kills. That's why Nancy Pelosi had to go to Syria to screw things up. Lebanese and Syrian pro-democracy forces were starting to get a footing, and they would owe it all to George Bush taking down Saddam Hussein, we can't dare let anyone show democracy is better than tyranny.

VOX- Shouldn't the Democratic Party be supportive of democracy?

REID- We only support democracy when it's corrupt and allows demagogue dictators like Hugo Chavez and Robert Mugabe take over countries and run them into the ground.

VOX- So Democrats support dictatorships?

REID- If it will help us gain seats, definitely.

VOX- What about all the shenanigans with Henry Waxman launching investigations into every time Karl Rove farted?

REID- We also can't allow a Republican administration to function. So we must launch all kinds of pointless and politicized witch hunts to paralyze the government and make the Republicans look bad.

VOX- Wouldn't doing such things during wartime be construed as treason?

REID- Of course it's all treason, but sometimes treason is necessary to seize power. Then we can yank Fox News's broadcasting license and start imposing speech codes on blogs like this. We can't afford having anyone asking us hard questions, it might promote dissent. How can we declare Al Gore President for Life if we allow people to question him?

VOX- Good point. I guess that's all the time we have for now, so I'll see you all later.

REID- Lemme out of this damn tube!

Alec Baldwin's New Book

2007-04-22T13:34:00.000-04:00

Parent of the Week Alec Baldwin has a new book coming out. I don't think I'll be buying it...

We Just Keep Losing

2007-04-21T12:01:00.000-04:00

EXCERPT FROM
A SPEECH BY
SENATOR
HARRY REID
(D-Never Admit Victory)

The following was taken from a speech given by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid at a fund-raiser for Crush America's Spirit, Hope & Integrity Now (CASH-IN) at the Guernica Room in the Generalissimo Hotel-Casino in Las Vegas.

REID-My fellow Demcorats and the rest of you fascist scumbags.

It has come to my attention that the city of Philadelphia has had over 100 murders so far this year.

We have lost Philadelphia and must abandon it immediately.

We have also lost New Orleans, Detroit, San Francisco, and Los Angeles.

They must be abandoned to anarchy, death and violence, as well.

The actions of the municipal governments of these places have made it obvious that victory is impossible. They are doomed to failure because the people who run these cities are corrupt, incompetent, and cannot in any way deal with crime and violence.

That's why we must pull out, and pull out now.

America is defeated and hopefully shall never rise again.

SCHUMER- Great speech, but all those cities are run by Democrats.

REID- Forget what I just said.

We're Losers, Accept It America

2007-04-19T22:18:00.000-04:00

A PAID
POLITICAL
ANNOUNCEMENT*
BY
SENATOR
HARRY REID
(D-Never Supports USA)

My Fellow Democrats and the rest of you losers.

We have come to a momentous time in American history. A time where we as Americans must accept that we have lost the war in Iraq. Sure, American troops are killing ~~terrorists~~ Iraqi freedom fighters, the democratically elected government of Iraq is still functioning, insurgent leaders are on the run, and the violence is occurring in an ever shrinking area of the country, but America has still lost the war.

Why has America lost?

Because I say so.

Besides, if the mainstream media was to start honestly reporting on the war and how the surge seems to be working, it could lead to a Republican victory in 2008. And if the Republicans win, how can we threaten to pull the broadcast licenses of networks that dare question the Democratic Party and its billionaire masters.

We can't have that.

That's why I must step out of my role as leader of the majority in the Senate and speak out against this war and the democracy that it has created.

Sure, some of you could call it treason, and since it only serves to demoralize the country and embolden the enemy, it probably is.

But it's all for a good cause.

And that cause is a Democrat in the White House and more Democrat seats in the Senate.

So you see, it's worth the national humiliation, the loss of millions of lives from the inevitable Iranian invasion, civil war, genocide and partition of the country.

Come on, what are human lives worth when compared to an increase in the Democrat Senate majority?

Not much in my book.

That's why I will stand alongside my fellow Democrats to make sure the sacrifice of our lost soldiers will be in vain, and laugh as we sit back in our comfy Senate seats and watch the birth of yet another Middle Eastern basket case of a country and even more generations of death and destruction.

That's because we're Democrats and anyone who disagrees with us is evil.

If there was such a thing as evil.

*Brought to you by the Benedict Arnold Foundation, better living through shameless opportunism and treason.

DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK #4

2007-04-19T12:32:00.000-04:00

Greeting Vox Poplar fans, it's time again for me to pronounce this week's DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK. Now I can go the obvious route and declare Virginia Tech psycho Cho-Seung-Hui the Douchebag of the Week.

I mean he was a psycho piece of rectal detritus who decided that the best way to deal with stress was to kill a lot of innocent people.

But I'm not the one to do the obvious thing.

Nope. While Cho was a supreme Douchebag, he is still not as much as a Douchebag as this week's winner. He doesn't have the excuse of being mentally deranged, though some will say he is mentally deficient. I'm talking about...

KEITH OLBERMANN

What did Keith do?

Take a look at this clip from his show:

Now take a look at this clip:

Gee, it seems KEITH LIED to make political points and blame the actions of a deranged scumbag on the Bush Administration.

So for that shameless act of sleazy pseudo-journalism you KEITH OLBERMANN are our...

DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK!

Response Without Delay

2007-04-16T17:40:00.000-04:00

AN EXCERPT FROM THE BLOG OF
ROSIE O'DONNELL
(Queen of The View)

Tom Delay

u suk

rly

how dare u want me fired like Don Imus

4 insulting Asians

4 accusing Bush-Hitler for making 9/11

4 demanding impeachment

u r criminal

sure u wer never convicted

only accused by politically motivated DA

but thats gud enough 4 me

u r gilty

because Democrat say so

u cant get me fired

imus was liberal

but not liberal enough

he picked on hillary

that put him on george soros shit list

he had to go

soros likes me

i stay

but abc say i gotta cut back on impeachment talk

conspiracy theories

& baseless accusations

starting 2 hurt ratings

as soon as they back up

CHING CHONG IMPEACH BUSH CHING CHONG HE DID 9/11 CHING CHONG

Predictions From A Terrible Tragedy...

2007-04-16T17:29:00.000-04:00

There's been a terrible mass shooting at Virginia Tech and reports put the death toll at somewhere around 30+ people including the shooter. Now is not exactly a topic suitable for the sort of humor I specialize in, but I do have some predictions.

1. Rosie O'Donnell/Huffington Post/Bill Maher/MSM will somehow blame this tragedy on the Bush administration. Rosie will also claim it as some sort of personal attack on herself.

2. There will be calls for taking guns away from law abiding people, making sure that only scrotes like the shooter in this case can have them.

3. There will be attempts by the press to uncover the motives of the (as of this writing) unidentified shooter, unless he turns out to be a Muslim, then his identity and motivations will be rapidly forgotten.

4. If the shooter turns out to be a Christian, the MSM will cite his religion as his motive.

5. I predict that Democrats will try to make some political capital off the bodies of the victims.

The Poplar Report: Friday the 13th Edition

2007-04-13T12:13:00.000-04:00

Good day Mr & Mrs Blogosphere and all her ships in Cyberspace, let's go to press:

DATELINE EGYPT: In keeping with the Islamic tradition of releasing at least one whacky fatwa a week, an Egyptian Imam declared that any marriage where nudity occurred during sexual intercourse is instantly invalid. This latest fatwa reveals the Imam's serious need to 'get some' and his desire to keep anyone else from 'getting some.'

DATELINE LONDON: In keeping with tradition the BBC canceled production of a film about a recent winner of the prestigious Victoria Cross in favor of rampant coverage of Britain's recent humiliation at the hands the mad ayatollahs of Iran. The BBC defended its decision by stating that being Britain's public broadcaster prevented them from producing anything that might be considered 'pro-British,' 'pro-Iraq War,' 'pro-courage,' 'pro-freedom,' or 'pro-democracy,' to avoid offending people like the ones in this picture. Lord knows that we can't offend them.

DATELINE RALEIGH-DURHAM: An ABC Reporter Terry Moran blogged that people shouldn't feel too sorry for the falsely accused Duke U Lacrosse players because they're annoying spoiled frat boys with rich families. Of course he forgot to mention what the 'Dukies' would be called if they didn't have the money to fight the bogus charges and sleazy tactics of DA Nifong: "Prison Bitch."

If I Wasn't A Democrat, I'd Be Screwed.

2007-04-12T17:11:00.000-04:00

A SPECIAL GUEST
COMMENTARY BY
DUKE LACROSSE
~~PERSECUTOR~~
PROSECUTOR
MIKE NIFONG

Hi folks.

As you've probably already heard all the charges against the Duke Lacrosse players have been dropped and I'm looking at getting my ass sued off and possible jail time for all the violations of civil rights, rules of law, and human decency.

So let me get this done right off the bat.

I'm sorry.

No, really I am.

I'm sorry I tried to ruin the lives of three young men, broke countless rules of ethics, and played fast and loose with the legal system.

But it's okay.

I'm a Democrat.

I needed to get myself re-elected instead of losing my position against a more qualified candidate, and being a Democrat that meant I had only one option.

To ruin the lives of three young men through shameless race baiting and civil rights violations.

I really had no choice.

It's just the way I'm wired.

So I ask the families of the young men I terrorized, the cab driver I tried to imprison for giving them an alibi and the voters to whom I lied to with bells on, to forgive me.

Come on. Al Sharpton does what I did all the time, and he's getting his butt kissed on CNN on an hourly basis!

Oh sure, he's just a loudmouth and I violated the oath I swore to uphold the law and all canons of legal ethics... but we're both Democrats!

That's got to mean something.

Maybe Al can get me Don Imus's job?

They seem to do everything he says these days.

What, me sorry?

2007-04-12T11:54:00.000-04:00

A
PAID
POLITICAL
ANNOUNCEMENT
BY THE
REV. AL SHARPTON

Hello Whitey.

It's me, the Reverend Al Sharpton, uncrowned king of America's black population and I'm here to talk about folks who have the unmitigated gall to dare to criticize me over my campaign to fire liberal radio shock-jock Don Imus.

Don Imus, the worst racist in the history of all humanity, is now saying that I should apologize for my condemnations of the Duke Lacrosse team over what is now known to be a bogus rape charge.

Doesn't he know who I am?

I'M AL SHARPTON BEEOTCH!

That means I can say anything I want against whoever I want, and nobody has the right to criticize me over my inflammatory rhetoric, my lying, my grandstanding, or my ongoing infantalization of African Americans.

Hell, my words, unlike Imus, has ruined lives and gotten innocent people killed, but I just keep getting bigger and more powerful. I can turn a minor lame comment by an aging windbag, that's way gentler than anything coming out of modern rap music, into a national controversy. If that isn't proof that I am destined to be your god on Earth, than I don't know what is.

So you have to remember these simple rules:

-I'm always right. Especially when I'm wrong.

-I can accuse anyone of anything whether it's true or not.

-No matter what, anyone who criticizes me is a filthy racist.

-I'm allowed be anti-Semitic and racist.

Why?

Because...

I'M AL SHARPTON BEEOTCH!

And don't you forget it.

DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK #3

2007-04-11T15:03:00.000-04:00

We've got a special edition today of Douchebag of the Week. I'm bestowing the dishonor on two men and one institution for their special and unique brand of douchebaggery.

I'm talking about...

DON IMUS
For showing absolutely no class for his 'nappy headed hos' remark that soured the recent victory of the Rutgers Women's Basketball team. The move has cost him 2 weeks of work and several major sponsors, and it'll cost him a lot more in the inevitable multi-million dollar civil suit.

And to top it all off he's given a truckload of political ammo to our next douchebag of the week.

REV. AL SHARPTONYep, the whole debacle has been a god-send to this professional race-baiter and all-around loudmouth. It's earned him loads of free air time and cemented his position as the self-anointed "Emperor of America's Black People."

Now the media is terrified to question Rev. Al, his background with dubious controversies (Tawana Brawley, anyone) and how he managed to inflate a petty insult to a specific group of women into a national scandal when the women themselves should have just responded by calling Imus a "senile old asshole."

I would also like to add a special dishonor of "Institutional Douchebaggery" to the people who keep this manufactured controversy going.

Yep, I'm talking about...

THE MEDIAThe media has kept this story alive, and on top of the front page so they can avoid reporting on stories like...

Diane Feinstein's recent resignation from an appropriations committee that made her husband millions of dollars

Stories of successful operations in Iraq.

The recent ass-whoopings delivered on the Taliban in Afghanistan by the allies.

or

Anything else that might reflect positively on the Bush Administration.

Congratulations, you are all...

DOUCHEBAGS OF THE WEEK

There's Some Scary People Out There.

2007-04-09T14:10:00.000-04:00

PAID POLITICAL
ANNOUNCEMENT BY
ELISABETH EDWARDS

Spouse of Democratic Presidential Candidate John Edwards

My fellow Americans.

I'm here to tell you about a group of people that are the root of all that is evil in the world.

Dangerous people whose very existence threatens the existence of everyone on this planet.

I'm not talking about Iran, who is merely developing nuclear power for peaceful means.

Nor am I talking about the practitioners of the Religion of Peace, like Osama Bin Laden and Ayman Al-Zawahiri.

I'm talking about really scary people.

I'm talking about Rednecks.

Yes Rednecks.

People whose small businesses where they work very hard at can be seen from the window of my personal spa, completely harshing the mellow of Tran-Li, my personal masseuse and Gaston my personal aromatherapist.

People who don't have the common decency to spend millions of dollars in property upgrades to fit the atmosphere set by the multi-million dollar mansion next door.

People who think they can do whatever they like on their own property, no matter what the United Nations may think about it.

And the most scary thing of all....

People who aren't afraid to voice their support for a right wing extremist like Rudy Giuliani.

That's more terrifying than an international jihadist movement any day.

Now I've never actually met the neighbor who so embodies these elements of pure terror. But I don't have to, I already know what kind of evil he'd produce, if there really was such a thing as evil.

I choose to judge his book by his cover.

My husband likes to say that there are two Americas, well, I would like to add that we should do everything to keep that other America away from decent liberal and progressive millionaires like me and my family.

I bet that man's also a Christian.

That sort of thing gives me nightmares.

So be afraid America.

Be very afraid.

Fighting Was Not An Option, SINCE WHEN?

2007-04-09T10:35:00.000-04:00

A
VIEW FROM THE AFTERLIFE
COMMENTARY
by
ADMIRAL HORATIO NELSON

(Former British Naval Commander & Hero of the Battle of Trafalgar)

Salutations to all you good people in the land of the living.

I dare say that I am both shocked and appalled by the behaviour of the lads and lass in Her Majesty's Navy during the whole Iranian kidnapping debacle.

What most outraged me was the declaration by the navy that "Fighting was not an option."

What the bloody hell was that?

Fighting is always an option. Especially when some despotic potentate, drunk on power and madness, engages in a deliberate act of war. If I had been in charge of that British patrol, I'd have sunk those Iranian boats for violating Iraqi waters, lobbed a cannonball into that Ahmadinejad's bedroom window and be home in time for a cup of tea and a good shag with Lady Hamilton.

Of course I'm not part of the modern British navy.

In my day the British Navy was all about victory.

Victory battling piracy, French Imperialism, and slavery.

Nowadays the British Navy is all about budget cuts and a desire to 'avoid escalation' by not defending oneself when attack.

That's not the British Navy I knew.

That's not even the French Navy.

For shame.

DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK #2

2007-04-05T22:04:00.000-04:00

For your tireless efforts to cripple America's war effort against international Islamic fascism with pork barrel whoring, shameless grandstanding and endangering the lives of the service men and women who protect you, your willingness to appease any and all dictators, especially when they stand against everything you claim to stand for, and for your wonderful work violating the United States Constitution by starting your own foreign policy.

You Nancy Pelosi are

DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK!

These Things I Believe

2007-04-03T10:38:00.000-04:00

A PERSONAL

DECLARATION
OF PRINCIPLES
BY
ROSIE O'DONNELL
Host & Master of ABC's The View

These things I believe....

- I believe everything Republicans do is evil. Even when it's something that might save my life.

- I believe 9/11 was a conspiracy between the Bush Administration, Israel, Enron, The Secret Service, The New York Fire Department, and the Scottsdale Arizona Chapter of the Shriners. That's right, I'm on to you, you bastards!

- I believe that surrendering to fascism is the true path to peace.

- I believe that fire cannot melt steel, and that all those people who tell you that the entire steel industry is based on melting steel with fire are damn dirty liars.

- I believe that the greatest threat to democracy are people challenging my political beliefs with facts.

- I believe Christians are brutally murdering teachers for discussing evolution because I saw it on Law & Order.

- I believe that America is the source of all evil in the world because they allow someone like me on TV.

- I believe that not only Bush caused the levies in New Orleans to fail by going back in time to the 1960s and sabotaging the original design, but that he also caused hurricane Katrina to happen through some elaborate weather controlling machine hidden in Karl Rove's basement.

- I believe everything the President of Iran says, because he hates Bush and that makes him right about everything in my book.

- I believe Battlestar Galactica is the real story of mankind's origins.

- I believe that the Columbine Massacre wasn't the violent lashing out of a pair of sociopathic outcasts, but a personal attack against me.

- I believe that Khalid Sheik Mohamed is innocent of planning 9/11 and only confessed because America's fascist stormtroopers were mean to him.

- I believe that all liberal democracies want is never-ending war to feed the bloated faces of the vast neo-con military-industrial complex.

- I believe Al Gore was elected president, no matter what the ballots say.

- I believe that our soldiers overseas should have their right to vote revoked because they spend most of their time in foreign countries.

- I believe that Nancy Pelosi has America's best interests at heart when she violates the constitution to start her own foreign policy with America's enemies.

- I believe Global Warming is caused by George W. Bush, and not the sun, despite the scientific evidence.

- I believe that Hillary Clinton should be named President for Life.

- I believe the Keebler Elves are up to something.

- I believe that Barbara Walters doesn't regret hiring me for The View.

- I believe that I'm going to get my own show.

- I believe Saddam Hussein was misunderstood, and was just a nice guy trying to make peace.

- I believe I am the greatest thing to happen to the planet Earth.

These things I believe.

We Shall Never Surrender, You On The Other Hand...

2007-04-01T21:23:00.000-04:00

A SPECIAL
VIEW FROM
THE AFTERLIFE
EDITORIAL
BY
WINSTON CHURCHILL
Former Prime Minister of Great Britain

Good evening living people of the world.

I speak to you, via this new contraption called a "blog" from beyond the grave, at a very dire time for the land that I love. Sailors and Marines of Her Majesty's Royal Navy are being held hostage by Iran.

Britain is responding to this blatant act of war with....

Pleas for negotiations and sanctions from the United Nations.

BLOODY HELL?

Pardon my rough language, a habit I picked up as 1st Lord of the Admiralty, but I find it very fitting for this situation.

There is only one way to deal with mad dogs like Ahmadinejad, and that is to break out the old Lee Enfield and put a few ounces of hot lead where it would do some good. Preferably right in what the lads these days call Mr. Ahmadinejad's unibrow.

Alas, that is not to be.

You see England is more than just the faded remnant of a once great empire it is a completely neutered state. It is completely devoid of any testicular fortitude.

Britain has no balls.

In my day when faced with terror bombings, the loss of continental Europe, and threats of conquest, the people of Great Britain, a soggy little island at the edge of Europe, looked Adolph Hitler and his Hun Hordes square in their beady little Teutonic eyes and bellowed as loud as we could:

"You have gone too far! You will go no further!"

And we fought back.

And how did we fight back.

The times and especially, the losses, were horrendous.

But we few, we happy few, held our collective head up high, we stood up to evil, and struck a blow for human liberty.

Sadly, the only time any British citizen would dare hold his head up high is to see who is pissing on them and then to ask the pisser if he's comfortable.

I know you're probably expecting something more poetic, but I'm dead, Britain's a mess, and if it wasn't for my blind rage I'd be trapped in the jaws of the black dog from despair.

We promised to fight the enemy on the beaches, to fight them in the fields, in the streets, in our very homes.

Now Englishmen deny the facts of history in order to appease those who seek to dominate and destroy all that generations of free men and women have built.

Teachers are skipping study of the Nazis persecution and wholesale slaughter of Europe's Jewry in order to not offend Moslems who appear to have added Holocaust Denial and Nazism to their Q'uran.

What utter rubbish.

I think teaching children about the Holocaust would be an excellent test. Anyone who claims to being offended by history, would be instantly branded an Islamist Fascist, arrested, smacked vigorously about the head, and sent post-haste by aeroplane to the nearest country where the madness spawned by the denial of history is welcome.

I wouldn't land the plane. I'd just have it crash into one of their holiest buildings, so they can see how they like it.

One cannot appease a madman by becoming mad. That just spurs the original madman to greater heights, or depths, of depravity, until the whole world is not only mad, but burning.

Britain, you have become a nation of lazy, drink-sodden, entitlement obsessed, whiny, weak-willed, spineless eunuchs.

You are attempting to appease Islamic Fascists. Fascist who will not rest until they control every aspect of your lives. Censoring your schools, your music, your books, and your television, denying you the alcohol you love more than liberty itself, and the chance to ogle the pretty young ladies. Then they'll be demanding the deaths of your sons, because they enjoyed boarding school a little too much, if you know what I mean, and murder your daughters for violating some Dark Age tribal honour code that punishes victims for being victims while honouring the guilty.

If was a living man and Britain gave me poison, I would drink it, rather than see the once proud nation debased by the enemies of freedom.

England's dreaming, and it's bloody well time it woke up.

Popular Mechanics Are Fascist Pigs

2007-03-31T07:12:00.000-04:00

An
Excerpt from the
Personal Blog of
Rosie O'Donnell

popular mechanix

are fascists

they are in on it

they dare to attack me

with facts!

how dare they!

don't they know i'm the queen of nice

i'm the queen of The View

America, fashist shit-pile that it is, worships me

they should worship me too

before PRESIDENT HILLARY puts them in Gitmo

in the place of those poor innocent dudes Bushitler locked up

for standing up against his evil democracy

these folks believe me

they look smart

Loose Change, google it.

it's all a conspiracy

the world will know

when barbara's gone

& the view is all mine

See Ya in Syria

2007-03-30T18:04:00.000-04:00

A PAID POLITICAL ANNOUNCEMENT
FROM
REP. NANCY PELOSI (D-Cal)
Speaker of the House

My fellow San Franciscans.

There has been much talk about my recent announcement that I'm planning to visit Syria to engage in unilateral talks with Syrian ~~dictator~~ President Bashar Assad. The crypto-fascists in the White House say I shouldn't go, and that I've 'gone too far.' Well, let me tell them something.

I haven't gone far enough!

Sure my trip to pay a social call to a ~~terrorist~~ freedom fighter supporting ~~fascist~~ peace-lover like Bashar Assad could be viewed as a violation of the constitution and, more specifically, the Logan Act, I don't really care.

And sure, some might call it treason, but I have this to say.

I am a member of the Democratic Party.

To Democrats TREASON IS THE HIGHEST FORM OF PATRIOTISM!

That's right. We deeply believe that the best thing for America is to coddle, and sometimes openly support its enemies, dump on its allies, and to deny America the capability to defend itself.

Democrats have done it through history. Jay Rockefeller did a tour of the Middle East before the invasion of Iraq, telling anyone who would listen that the invasion was imminent. John Kerry, before he went into the Senate, held his own buddy-buddy chats with the Viet-Cong, and the late great Joe Kennedy Sr. bad-mouthed Britain even though it was only democracy willing to stand up to Adolph Hitler.

And don't get me started on all the Democrats who tried to undermine the Union effort to destroy slavery during the Civil War.

Am I worried about any legal repercussions?

No.

Democrats never go to jail.

That's why we have so many of our ~~minions~~ friends in the US Attorneys office and we won't let Bush fire them.

What do I hope to gain from this?

Well first, I hope to get some pointless gesture of peaceful intent from Assad that my ~~catamites~~ friends in the media will blow up as the greatest achievement in diplomatic history, and I hope to help one of my ~~cronies~~ associates stay out of trouble.

You see the surge in Iraq seems to be working, and the press is working very hard to avoid reporting that, and with everyone bored with Anna Nicole Smith and the poisoned pet food turning into a snoozer there's the danger that the media might forget where their loyalties lie and report Dianne Feinstein and her husband's shenanigans with the Military Construction Appropriations Committee.

We don't want that.

DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK #1

2007-03-28T12:27:00.000-04:00

Welcome to a new feature here at my blog. It's called DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK, where we single out people for discovering new depths of disgusting behavior.

Our first candidate is failed teacher/comedian/online talk show host turned cyber-squatter Eliot Stein, who took advantage of the late great columnist Cathy Seipp's recent death to write a supposed 'last post' on his slanderous 'Fake Cathy Seipp' site. In it he slandered not only the late Cathy, someone beloved by friends and fans alike, but also her teenage daughter.

Congratulations Mr. Stein, you are Vox Poplar's first Official

DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK

You make me want to hurl.

Tally-ho Tolerant Folks

2007-03-27T14:30:00.000-04:00

A Special
View From The Afterlife
Commentary
by
General Sir Charles James Napier

Commander in Chief British Army in India 1849-1851

I would like to start off with a hearty hello to all you folks in the land of the living, and I would also like to thank Vox Poplar for letting an old ghost like me to toss his hat in the proverbial ring.

Pip-pip, tally-ho!

Anyway, let's get to the subject at hand. There is a bit of a political tempest going on among those bloody Germans about a judge who cited the Koran as an excuse to not grant a Muslim woman a speedy divorce from the disgusting brute of a husband who regularly and most violently abused her.

What a load of bloody rot.

And then I hear that police in New Victoria state in Australia are being told to be more 'understanding' and 'tolerant' of cases of familial abuse involving Muslim families. Essentially giving the wife-beating cad a pass in order to not 'fracture the family structure.'

Another load of bloody rot.

I'll have you know that I am currently spinning in my own grave at the sight of such stupidity and moral cowardice in the face of 'cultural traditions.'

Why am I so concerned? you may ask.

The answer is quite simple, I'm a bit of an expert on cross-cultural relations due to my time as commander of Her Majesty's Army in India. During my time I was beset by a crowd of upset Hindu holy men. They were angry that I had banned the practice of the Sati, or the burning of a live widow on her dead husband's funeral pyre.

They declared that it was an ancient tradition and that I had to tolerate it as Her Majesty's Plenipotentiary.

I then explained to them that tolerance was a two way street, and if I was to tolerate their tradition, they had to tolerate our tradition. And that our tradition said that anyone who burned a woman alive had to be hanged by the neck until dead.

Now many may say that I was being a cultural imperialist, stomping around and bullying the poor locals, but allow me to explain.

India has a very ancient and wise culture, however, certain elements of that culture was holding it back from joining the modern world. In fact, these elements were dragging them down leaving their subcontinent and it's massive population open for conquest by a bunch of unwashed, drunken, louts from a soggy rock thousands of miles away. That sort of thing does not happen to healthy countries.

But let me get back on point...

One of these elements was that they refused to recognize that their right to practice their culture ends at their neighbor's or spouse's nose. Spirituality is supposed to bring a person peace, enlightenment and fulfillment, it is not supposed to bring fear, suffering, enslavement, and terror to others.

I could claim that my religion dictates that I must wear a live badger on my head and pelt the people around me with live salmon. Now the wearing of the badger is completely my business, but the salmon pelting would get me tossed into bedlam or jail, and rightly. I have no right to claim my religion as an excuse to do violence on others without expecting and receiving a severe case of just desserts.

The other element was the view of women as property. True, my own people had their own problems on that front, and I could never be called a feminist, or even a suffragette, but I'd be buggered senseless by the Household Cavalry if I let anyone burn a woman alive or treat her as property because they are a member of the fairer sex.

Now we old European imperialists eventually and painfully learned our lessons and worked hard to jettison those same negative elements. It took us a long time, too long really, but we improved, and developed a culture that made the modern world possible.

India too is learning, opening and improving opportunities and rights for women and striking against the negative traditions that kept them out of the modern world for so long.

I think that's bloody marvelous.

Sadly, Europe, once the bastion of individual liberty, is giving up its positive traditions and bringing back old negative ones in the name of 'tolerance.'

That's complete and utter balderdash.

Europe needs to wake up and realize that they are facing the modern world's most intolerant enemy. One who refuses to not only learn from the past, but actively seeks to send the whole world headlong into the Dark Ages.

Is that judge so blinded by what you living folks call 'political correctness' that she can't see that the independent, and secular, rule of law is one of the things that made her world possible, and that without it, none of the comforts and advances she enjoys could exist?

Like I said, complete balderdash and bloody rotten, if you ask me.

Oh well, I shouldn't be worrying about it, being dead and all.

Time to go, I have an appointment for tea with Victoria, and Albert.

Tally-ho!

Rosie O'Donnell: Big Fat Idiot, Google It.

2007-03-26T16:44:00.000-04:00

The following is an excerpt from the personal blog of TV ~~loudmouth~~ personality Rosie O'Donnell.

Gulf of Tonkin

google it

all a conspiracy.

same thing with those british sailors arrested by iran

Bush did it

He ordered those marines and sailor from other country

to

go to iran

get captured

tortured

executed

for excuse

to start war

to make israel happy

to steal oil

to kill babies

because dickhead cheney drinks their blood

iran has never hurt anyone

ever!

i'll

be

happy when bushitler impeached

constitution suspended

hillary named president for life

then world will be happy

global warming will end

unicorns will come back

Mother Earth has a fever...

2007-03-25T15:28:00.000-04:00

...and it needs more cowbell.

Watch this video and post it on your own blog. We need humour to cut through the hysteria.

This video will not win an Oscar

2007-03-18T17:04:00.000-04:00

But it makes a damn good point...

The Truth: Through Rosie Coloured Glasses

2007-03-16T11:31:00.000-04:00

An Excerpt From the Blog of
Rosie O'Donnell

-people mad that i accuse american Bush-hitler government of knocking down WTC with the help of the FDNY

-nazi pigs don't know the truth

-it was all a plot to destroy ENRON evidence

-sure they were all convicted and were sentenced to prison, or died, but that doesn't mean squat

-need attention, Trump fight boring everyone now

-need to downplay fascist killers

-need to only believe fascist killer when claiming USA abused them

-need to fuel prejudice against country that made me rich

-need to accuse Bush-hitler of 9/11

-need everyone to understand that columbine was ALL ABOUT ME!

-need doritos

-need hams

-need my own show

-barbra and others are dead wood dragging me down

Defectors, Nukes, & Spartans, Oh my...

2007-03-15T17:36:00.000-04:00

The following is an expertly translated excerpt from the personal blog of Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

MAHMOUD'S MAD LIBS

MOOD: depressed :(

MUSIC: Sad Songs Say So Much -Elton John

Sheesh.

The past couple of weeks have been the suckiest in the history of sucky stuff.

First, my deputy minister of defense disappears. Some are saying that he was kidnapped by the Israelis, others are saying he defected to the Americans, and nobody seems to know how many wives this guy had.

All we do know is that he's gone, and he took a big bag of everything I don't want anyone to know. I'm talking blueprints of our nuclear labs, names and addresses of our contacts with Hezbollah and Al Qaida, and the wheres and hows behind our terrorist financing scheme.

Also his disappearance coincided with the Russians canceling construction on a nuclear reactor for us because a $25 million check bounced.

Come to think of it, that guy was in charge of making out the checks for that sort of thing.

The bastard!

Man, and just when you think the whole world is plotting against your scheme to destroy the planet in a wave of nuclear fire, Hollywood adds insult to injury by stabbing me in the back!

Yep, that Hollywood. The folks who have been so good in making sure that all stories about terrorism have some Yankee/Corporate/CIA conspiracy behind it, has gone and made a movie that makes Persians look bad.

Yeah, I'm talking about that movie 300.

How dare they portray the ancient Persian empire as a horde of zombie like killers mindlessly hurtling themselves to be slaughtered on the orders of a demented theocrat.

That's modern Iran, not ancient Persia.

And I couldn't even muster that many zombie-killer dudes in the scary masks.

Hell, over 40% of the country doesn't want anything to with me and my Ayatollah buddies, and the rest is too angry at being unemployed, broke, and watching me pissing the country's oil wealth away so we could be on the international shit list.

Maybe I should just go back to bed.

CAPTAIN AMERICA DEAD! ME ANGRY!

2007-03-15T14:05:00.000-04:00

A SPECIAL GUEST COMMENTARY BY

THE INCREDIBLE

HULK

Captain America dead!

HULK MAD!

HULK SMASH!

But Hulk even madder that Marvel made Cap whiny moral equivalence spouting liberal!

CAP PATRIOT!

CAP NO BLAME AMERICA FOR EVERYTHING LIKE CRYBABY NEW YORK LIBERAL!

HULK MAD!

HULK SMASH!

Patriotism not wrong in time of war!

Real Cap know that!

America not problem!

Fascist dillholes are problem!

HULK SMASH FASCISTS!

Now Hulk got to Duffy's Tavern.

Hulk drink in memory of lost friend and lost idealism.

Hulk get smashed.

You Lefties Are Right About The Movie 300

2007-03-12T12:02:00.000-04:00

A SPECIAL HISTORICAL GUEST
COMMENTARY BY
JERXES
Persian Soldier & Veteran of the Battle of Thermopylae

Greetings 21st Century folks. Like the intro says I'm an actual witness to the events of the battle of Thermopylae, and I have to say that I am shocked and disgusted by the movie 300 and it's appalling portrayal of the Spartan defenders as somehow heroic.

Sure they held off an army that outnumbered them thousands to one and stood their ground to the last man to protect the fledgling democracies of ancient Greece, but does anyone think of what they were really like.

That's right, those 300 Spartans were RACIST.

They were seriously dishing out big heaping spoonfuls of bigotry and oppression as a side-dish to the whoop-ass during that fateful battle.

All we Persians wanted to do was express our culture, one that had just as much merit as theirs.

Of course our culture's central tenet is to conquer all the world and force it to give up their independence, democracy, concept of individual rights and to kneel down and worship our god-king.

What's wrong with that?

But those damn pigheaded racist Spartans stood in our way.

They came out of that narrow pass howling like madmen, and slashing their way through out ranks like a pack of lunatic lawnmowers, simply because we were different and wanted to burn their cities, enslave their people, and crush their spirit.

That's why I have to say that you left-wingers have the right attitude about this atrocity of a movie. There are things people in Western cultures shouldn't be doing, like defending themselves, or honoring those who defend themselves, and you know it.

Down with Sparta!

1 on 1 with Joe Wilson (a moment of truth interview)

2007-03-08T14:06:00.000-05:00

VOX POPLAR- This week saw the conviction of I. Lewis 'Scooter' Libby on charges of lying to the grand jury investigating the CIA leak case. Now I'd like to take a moment to speak to the man at the center of the controversy former Ambassador Joseph Wilson. Welcome back to my blog Ambassador Wilson.

JOE WILSON- Nice to be here, but why am I in a steel tube?

VOX POPLAR- That's my patented steel tube of truth. Its delicate blend of mad science and black magic effectively leaves you unable to lie, fabricate, obfuscate, fib or even exaggerate.

JOE WILSON- Damn, I don't know if I can say anything that way. This is worse than testifying under oath, and I fought like hell to avoid that.

VOX POPLAR- Now let's get this interview started. What do you think of the conviction of Scooter Libby?

JOE WILSON- It's a total crock, but it will give my movie deal a decent ending.

VOX POPLAR- How is it a crock?

JOE WILSON- Basically, Libby was convicted for the crime of not remembering the dates he exchanged some fairly bland Washington gossip with some reporters. Reporters whose own notes and memories of the incidents in question are also faulty.

VOX POPLAR- So you would agree that he's been convicted for lying during the investigation of what turned out to not be a crime in the first place?

JOE WILSON- Oh sure. Outside of this damn tube I'll scream that it's a victory for truth, justice, and liberty. When, in fact, it was just a politicized witch hunt to help perpetuate the many lies I spread about my mission to Niger.

VOX POPLAR- What about those lies?

JOE WILSON- Oh I told some whoppers. I claimed the Iraqis weren't after yellow cake uranium, when they sent their top nuclear expert, to a country with only one export, yellow cake. I also claimed that I was sent by Dick Cheney, which was a big fat lie. I was sent by the CIA on the suggestion of my wife. I also lied about my report circulating in the highest circles of power. It didn't. And I lied about my wife being in an undercover position, which she hadn't been since the Russians blew her cover years earlier.

VOX POPLAR- And yet you're not even charged, let alone convicted for your years of lying.

JOE WILSON- I am a Democrat you know. Democrats never get in any serious trouble. Look at Sandy Berger, he stuffed vital national security information in his pants before shredding them, to protect the Clintons for their incompetence in the face of terrorism, and all he got was a light slap on the wrist. I go around, lying my ass off, and I got a movie deal.

VOX POPLAR- Let's talk about your movie deal. Why would Hollywood want to make a film, that few would want to see, that would only serve to slander the government in wartime with nasty political fictions?

JOE WILSON- Hollywood hates Bush. This hatred of Bush overrides everything, be it commerce, common sense or even their sense of survival. They're compelled to do everything they can to ruin the war effort against terrorism because Bush is a Republican and they believe Republicans to be evil.

VOX POPLAR- But a chronic liar like you is a hero to them?

JOE WILSON- Exactly. I told lies, I told lies with fucking bells on, and they love me for it. Plus, I'm going to be played George Clooney, my wife will be played by Julia Roberts, and Libby will be played by Christopher Walken. It's like Ocean's 11 with more lying.

VOX POPLAR- Who will play Richard Armitage?

JOE WILSON- He's not in the movie.

VOX POPLAR- But he's the guy who leaked your name to the press. He's kind of important.

JOE WILSON- Yeah, but he's against the Iraq War, that completely blows the anti-Bush script I'm working on with Michael Moore and the guys who wrote Glitter.

VOX POPLAR- Well, this has been very illuminating. Thanks for coming.

JOE WILSON- Thank you, and could you let me out of this tube now?

My Bad...

2007-03-05T16:49:00.000-05:00

I have a confession to make.

I'm the reason Ann Coulter is an idiot.

Not all the time, just that one time at CPAC where she used 'faggot' in a lame joke about John Edwards.

But that's not all my fault.

It's Al Gore's.

I was inspired by Electric Al's whole concept of the 'Carbon Offset' and how he's shamelessly making money trading on other people's fears.

I figured two can play at that game.

Now the Global Warming doomsday market is pretty much sewn up by Al Gore and his Inconvenient Troops, so I had to come up with something new.

Then it hit me.

A lot of rich and famous people are idiots.

And the rest they say is history.

click to enlarge

I do regret selling one to Anne Coulter. Should have charged her more for such epic, shameless, pandering stupidity.

But don't let a bone-headed publicity whore like Anne Coulter ruin for fun, for $100 you too can become officially idiot neutral.

Why Al Can't Save Power?

2007-02-28T17:07:00.000-05:00

When I heard Al Gore's power consumption was 20X that of an ordinary household I was shocked. I knew he was a hypocrite, I just didn't know how vast the scale of his hypocrisy will be.

Then I started wondering....

...Why is he sucking up so much power?

So here are my Top 5 answers.

THE TOP 5 REASONS AL GORE USES SO MUCH ELECTRICITY

5. He's running a sweatshop using illegal aliens to make Inconvenient Truth DVDs.

4. He's doing experiments reviving corpses he's stolen from graves in the greater Nashville area so they can vote in Florida (where it's legal).

3. He needs electricity to fuel his vast charisma. (that can't be it)

2. Two words: GROW-OP.

1. Tipper doesn't believe in batteries.

Don't Question My Slowly Bleeding Patriotism

2007-02-28T13:09:00.000-05:00

A Paid Political Announcement
by Congressman John Murtha (D-Penn)

My fellow Americans.

There are those among you, mostly right-wing fascist bloggers who are calling my plan to "slow bleed" America's war effort into paralysis "treason."

How dare you question my patriotism!

You can question my honesty, my integrity, my fortitude and my sanity, but do not question my patriotism.

I served in Vietnam, and by participating in America's only losing conflict. That means that I am above all reproach, no matter how sleazy, underhanded, repugnant, immoral, and subversive my actions are.

Now let me explain how my plans to lose the war in Iraq is the most patriotic thing an American can do.

First, we must all understand, that America is the source of all that is evil and destructive in the world. If there's a problem, anywhere on the planet, it can't be the fault of anyone else but America.

That's a fact.

Which leads me to my second point. The world would be much better off if the most powerful democracy on Earth was rendered powerless.

You see we must bring America down to a Third World level. That way people won't feel bad about living under oppressive dictatorships who do nothing but spread misery and destruction because they won't be able to compare their miserable wretched lives to our rich and successful lives.

And that brings me to my final point. George W. Bush wants to bring peace to the world by making the world democratic. And we're not talking big 'D' Democrats like me, but small 'd' democratic as in free speech, free votes and all around freedom.

We can't have that because democracies are the root of all that is evil in the world.

So join with me as the Democratic Party slowly destroys my former comrades in the military, because patriotism, loyalty, honesty, freedom, and the lives of millions of innocents are nothing compared to knocking down the Republicans.

Because that's what really matters.

A Thing to Make You Go "Hmmmmmm...."

2007-02-23T11:19:00.000-05:00

The Canadian Supreme Court today declared the government's use of 'security certificates' to detain potential terrorists as unconstitutional.

Canada has had these security certificates, in one form or another, for a long time, at least since WW2. They have withstood every challenge to their constitutionality until today.

Why?

Well, I'm not accusing anyone of anything, but...

1. Canada is now run by a Conservative Party government after over a decade of rule by the Liberal Party.

2. The members of the Supreme Court were almost all appointed by the long ruling Liberal Party.

3. The Liberals are trying to force an election and run on a platform that the Conservative government are toadies of the evil Bushhitler/Halliburton / Fascist / Zionist conspiracy.

4. Suddenly declaring a long running security program unconstitutional goes a long way to painting the Conservatives that way, especially with a pro-Liberal Party media waiting for something to run with.

I'm just saying... makes one suspicious.

Hmmmm....

Hey Kids!

2007-02-16T08:56:00.000-05:00

This is an exclusive inside look at Amanda Marcotte's new children's show, enjoy.

------------------------------------

AMANDA: Hey kids! Do you know what time it is?

KIDS: It's Amanda Panda Time!

AMANDA: That's right kids. Boy, you sure are smarter than those *sshole Christofascist Godbags. Let's all sing our happy song!

It's Amanda Panda Time!
A happy playful time!
No Baptists, Catholics or Jews allowed time!
It's time to hurl some slime!
It's Amanda Panda Time!

AMANDA: Great jobs kids! What a way to f*ck BushCo and their Halliburton Christofascist conspiracy!

Knock-knock!

AMANDA: Who could that be? Why it's our old friend Peter Panda!

KIDS: Hi Peter!

PANDA: Hi kids! Today we're going to learn about freedom of speech!

AMANDA: Good! Show those Christofascist godbag donkey- ****ers what you think of them!

PANDA: Freedom of speech is a wonderful thing. It's the right for every to speak their mind no matter what they have to say.

AMANDA: Damn right.

PANDA: And like all rights, it comes with a certain amount of responsibility.

AMANDA: Yeah! Freedom of speech, whoo-hoo!

PANDA: Chief among those responsibilities is the need to acknowledge that if you say something bigoted and offensive, then people can practice their freedom of speech to criticize you.

AMANDA: WHAT! How dare you come on my show and spout that Christo-fascist Bush-Hitler garbage! I'm the only one with the freedom of speech here you f*cking *ss-sucking panda! GET OFF MY SHOW! EVERYBODY OUT! SHOW'S F*CKING OVER! YEEEEAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHH!

-------------------------------

1 on 1 with the Weather

2007-02-11T18:20:00.000-05:00

VOX POPLAR- Welcome to Vox 1 on 1. Today I'm here to discuss the controversies surrounding the issue of climate change. Joining me is climatologist Dr. Bill Wethers. Welcome.

BILL WETHERS- It's good to be here.

VOX POPLAR- Now why don't you define what climate change really is?

BILL WETHERS- That's one of the key problems. You see the Earth's climate is constantly changing, so there is no concrete scientific proof as to what's causing the warming trend.

VOX POPLAR- So you have doubts about recent declarations from your colleagues about mankind's carbon production being responsible?

BILL WETHERS- Doubt is one word for it. You see, the archealogical record shows periods with higher carbon levels than we have right now, but with cooler weather. Also, I disagree with people claiming that the Earth is hotter than it has ever been. Average temperatures in the 1930s were much higher than they are today.

VOX POPLAR- How come we never hear about that in the coverage of climate issues?

BILL WETHERS- There's a very active and activist camp in the field of climate research who are actively suppressing opposing views. I mean, in science you expect a little debate, but nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition...

CARDINAL EARTH- Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Bwah-hah-hah!

VOX POPLAR- Who the hell are you?

CARDINAL EARTH- I am Cardinal Earth! These are my associates Cardinal Wind and Cardinal Fire. We're here for one reason. To seek out those who break from established climate doctrine, to punish those who... I mean we're here for two reasons. To seek out and punish those dare stand against the word of climate change!

CARDINAL FIRE- There is no truth other than climate change!

CARDINAL WIND- And Al Gore is its prophet!

CARDINAL EARTH- So Dr. Wethers you dare to speak your mind again! You will be cast out for this!

BILL WETHERS- Do you see what I'm up against. They are trying to censor dissenting opinions!

CARDINAL EARTH- There is no opinion, there is only truth!

CARDINAL FIRE- There is no truth other than climate change!

CARDINAL WIND- And Al Gore is its prophet!

CARDINAL EARTH- You, Dr. Wethers, are like those people who deny the Holocaust!

VOX POPLAR- Now hold on a minute. How can having a different opinion on a scientific theory possibly be like denying a historically proven atrocity as a means to justify new evil?

CARDINAL EARTH- So you're one of those fascist pigs too, eh?

VOX POPLAR- Now you're pissing me off. When you start using cheap tactics like that it can only mean one thing, that you're wrong.

CARDINAL EARTH- Oh yeah. Well his research got a grant from an oil company!

VOX POPLAR- So. All the research promoting climate change is being presented by people who need to manufacture a crisis in order to get fat government funding deals. So nobody is completely innocent.

CARDINAL EARTH- How dare you speak against something that 90% of scientists believe in!

VOX POPLAR- Are these the same scientists who were running around 30 years ago screaming that we were heading for an ice age?

CARDINAL EARTH- Yes. But that was before they saw the truth!

CARDINAL FIRE- There is no truth other than climate change!

CARDINAL WIND- And Al Gore is its prophet!

VOX POPLAR- Look, I'm as green as the next guy. I'm all for reducing oil consumption, alternative energy sources, reducing waste, and recycling, but I refuse to accept the insane hysteria people like Al Gore are generating for their own gain.

CARDINAL EARTH- Heresy! Thou hath spoken against the Al Gore!

VOX POPLAR- And I'll hath to do it again. Think for a second about what he's gained. Private jets, a fleet of SUVs for entourage, books deals, a movie that will certainly win him an Oscar...

BILL WETHERS- Even though the science he cites in it is questionable.

VOX POPLAR- And it's immunized him from any and all criticism. No one criticizes him for the massive pollution he alone causes by using private jets, SUVs and refusing to participate in any energy saving programs for his four homes. Nobody asks why he targets the USA and not China who is going to outstrip the USA in carbon emissions pretty soon. Is it because the Chinese gave his party so much money when he was Vice President? Nobody knows, because nobody has bothered asking.

CARDINAL EARTH- HERESY!

CARDINAL FIRE- HERESY!

CARDINAL WIND- HERESY!

VOX POPLAR- And what is so special about the Earth's climate right now? Was it worse off when Greenland really was green? Or was is somehow better off during the Ice Age when seas were clogged with ice and our the sites of our major cities were under glaciers.

CARDINAL EARTH- You foul blasphemer!

VOX POPLAR- And whenever I ask for proof you people say "Look out the window." Well outside of my window it's a nard-numbing minus 10 below zero and upstate New York is under 8 feet of snow.

BILL WETHERS- I'll be going now.

VOX POPLAR- It seems everything is a sign of Global Warming. More hurricanes, it's Global Warming. No hurricanes, it's Global Warming. The entire world could turn into a freaking snowball and it would all be Global Warming, and it would all be George W. Bush's fault. You're nothing more than the leaders of some whacked out millenarian cult, profiting from a fear of doomsday.

CARDINAL EARTH- But 90% of climatologists agree!

VOX POPLAR- They can't predict the weather beyond a week, let alone a century. And if there is one certainty in the universe, it's that when experts start agreeing like that on the future, they're going to be wrong.

CARDINAL EARTH- But George W. Bush is suppressing scientists!

VOX POPLAR- He's doing a lousy job at it, since I see them on 60 Minutes about every second week.

CARDINAL EARTH- You sir, are worse than Hitler!

VOX POPLAR- Now I know you're wrong. When all you can do is stifle debate by hurling insults and slanders, you can only be wrong. Now get off my blog!

CARDINAL EARTH- Now without the evil Dr. Bill Wethers! Where is he?

VOX POPLAR- I think he left.

CARDINAL EARTH- Oh well, goodbye.

VOX POPLAR- Yeah, goodbye.

The Perry Noya Report

2007-02-08T22:44:00.000-05:00

THOMPSON'S TINFOIL HATS
Because if your tinfoil hat isn't a Thompson, THEY can steal your brain
PRESENT
THE PERRY NOYA REPORT
starring
PERRY NOYA

DATELINE: HOLLYWOOD FLORIDA: Ah jeez. Actress Anna Nicole Smith died today. Details are sketchy so far, but aren't they always? Come on you know what I mean. Her late husband was in oil going back to when it was still called dinosaurs, her stepsons are in oil, Bush, Cheney, and Halliburton are all in oil. I mean they try to kill freaking Jessica Lange on a daily basis, it was only a matter of time....

DO I HAVE TO FREAKING SPELL IT OUT!?!

DATELINE: HOLLYWOOD CALIFORNIA: Supermodel Tyra Banks told critics of her recent weight gain to "Kiss her fat *ss!" Now while I still think Tyra's a hottie and a half I can't help but think that this is all part of some grand conspiracy to promote people being happy with their own appearance. We then start super-sizing our collective behinds at McDonald's sucking back cheeseburgers and semi-gelatinous 'shakes' until we're gorged out of our heads and then...

POW!

That's when they get you.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON: Jimmy Carter denounced the Simon Weisenthal center for "slandering him" in order to "raise funds." Yeah, that's what THEY want you to think. Jimmy's just speaking truth to power, but the almighty Bushitler/Halliburton/Nazi/Masonic/Zionist alliance keeps putting him down so they can raise money.

What's Jimmy Carter done to deserve this? All he's done is take money from terrorist supporters in the Middle East for his various programs and then denounce the region's only democracy for having the unmitigated balls to defend itself.

COME ON PEOPLE! GET WITH THE FREAKING PROGRAM!

Gotta run. My mom needs the phone line to call the vet about her cat.

At least, that's what she wants me think!

So goodbye for now, and remember, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean THEY are not out to get you.

Why Don't You Support Me You Bastards!

2007-02-01T13:32:00.000-05:00

A SPECIAL GUEST COMMENTARY
BY WILLIAM M. ARKIN
of The Washington Post

Boy, a lot of you fascist baby-eating Theocon psychos sure are getting pissy about my demand that America's soldiers, pack of baby-killing mercenary rapist thugs that they are, should support real Americans like me.

Any moron can slap on a uniform and go swanning about the Middle East, bayoneting babies, raping virgins and machine gunning schoolchildren. Hell, the men and women of the American Imperial Armed Forces are all borderline retarded sexual deviants who orgasm in their khakis at the mere thought of killing and mutilating, or else they wouldn't be in the military.

I know.

I work for the Washington Post.

The real heroes of this war aren't out there risking life and limb to give a bunch of Iraqis and Afghanis democracy.

The real heroes are the celebrities risking a flight in their private jets over Red States to protest the war in Washington, exposing themselves to possible Redneck cooties or substandard Shiitake mushrooms in their tofu salads.

They're the Democrats in Congress who fearlessly embolden the enemies of everything they claim to stand for, just so they could bash Bush once more.

And last, but not least, they're people like me. Liberal media elitists who bravely cast off their every belief to slander the people who risk life and limb to defend them and praise the very same people who want to behead them.

That's real courage.

So how about showing me some real appreciation you fascist pigs.

NEWS TOO IMPORTANT TO IGNORE

2007-01-31T12:20:00.000-05:00

THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
IN ASSOCIATION WITH THE
ANONYMOUS SOURCES SYNDICATE
PRESENT

THE HUSSEIN REPORT
with JAMIL HUSSEIN

Good day Mr. & Mrs. American Infidel and all her ships in the Gulf, let's go to press.

DATELINE- IRAQ: A joint operation between American Crusader Infidels and Iraqi Government Heretics martyred over 260 innocent civilians and captured over 300 more because these simple and innocent people were carrying a lot of weapons and were allegedly plotting to massacre Shi'ite pilgrims. I have it from reliable anonymous sources that though the people were amassing large amounts of weaponry, they were all innocent civilians, and that the evil American Imperialist Crusaders used dragons and their fiery breath to burn them all alive. They then fed every baby in Iraq to the dragons as reward for their innocent civilian killing.

DATELINE- WASHINGTON: Millions of Americans turned out in Washington D.C. to protest the Bush/Halliburton/Zionist war against the peace loving civilians of Al Qaida and Iran. More than 500 million Americans came out to hear such electrifying and articulate speakers like Jane Fonda, Sean Penn, Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon. They attempted to storm the Bush Palace at the House of White, but were impaled on the horns of Zionist attack unicorns. Over 400 million American civilians were killed in the ensuing bloodbath.

DATELINE- NEW YORK: Comely Aussie CBS news lassie Lara Logan has come under criticism for appearing to use an Al Qaida propaganda tape and reporting it as a genuine untainted news. Al Qaida is very upset, claiming that she promised to give them full credit for doing all the work for her, but screwed them out of it. Al Qaida is currently debating whether to sue her, or just stone her.

DATELINE- QUEBEC: A small town in Canada has specifically banned immigrants from stoning, beating, or burning their women alive. People born in the town can still do all those thing legally.

BARACK TO THE FUTURE!

2007-01-26T12:11:00.000-05:00

A PAID POLITICAL ANNOUNCEMENT
BY
SENATOR BARACK OBAMA (D-ILL)

My fellow Americans.

I'd like to thank Vox Poplar for letting me use his blog for this presentation. Though I am a little confused as to why I had to write it in a big steel contraption he calls "The Tube of Truth." But since Hillary's got all the campaign money, I'll stick with what I can afford.

You're probably wondering why me, a first term junior Senator with relatively little political or administrative experience would even consider running for the Democratic Party nomination for President in 2008.

Well, the answer is simple.

The media has commanded me to do it.

And as a Democrat, I must obey the will of the media.

You see, I possess all the superficial qualities the media looks for in a candidate. I'm good looking (in a Barney Fife kinda way), I'm charming, and I'm really good at condensing Democrat talking points into sound-byte size pieces.

I can also sound moderate when, in fact, I'm a flaming leftist.

To the eyes of the Party's friends in the MSM I am political perfection itself.

And to add to that is my complete and utter lack of any real experience in national and international politics. You see, all the Democrats with experience got it during the Clinton administration, which means they've got a lot of bad, excrementally stink baggage with them and I'm not including the documents hidden in Sandy Bergers Fruit of the Looms.

You see, the Democrats are a lot like a sleazy bar on a Friday night. Last call is coming, and all the one's you can see at the bar are old cougars with puffed up hair and overdone make-up to hide the latest herpes flare-up.

I'm the chick at the end of the bar, who, thanks to a combo of distance and intoxication, still looks pretty fresh. And it won't be til the morning after election day, that you realized that you're stuck in bed with the worst most coyote-ugly skank of all, and you can't chew your arm off to get away.

So vote for me.

You'll regret it in the morning, but at least you'll enjoy getting screwed.

Facts VS Truth

2007-01-22T14:03:00.000-05:00

A MOMENT OF TRUTH COMMENTARY
BY
CAPTAIN JAMIL HUSSEIN
(Source for the Associated Press)

Boy oh boy.

I appear to have some egg on my face over that whole mosque-burning bodies story. Those pesky right-wing blogger just won't leave me alone.

They just keep hounding me, showing that the mosques I said were burnt down and blown up are still standing, and not finding any of the people I said were burned alive with kerosene.

All right, I'll concede that the events I discussed didn't happen.

But if there's one thing we've learned from Michael Moore it's that the event might be fictional but that doesn't mean it's not true.

You see, the Associated Press is interested in a larger truth. A truth, so.... truthy, it goes beyond mere facts.

I see that too, that's why I don't let myself be bogged down with facts and real events and reach for the real truth of the story.

Sure the events in the 61 Associated Press stories that cite me as a source may or may not have actually happened.

But just because they're not facts, doesn't mean they aren't true.

Especially when it could harm the war effort.

That's the real truth myself and my buddies in the media are really seeking.

-----------------------------

PS: Be sure to check out the FILL IN THE BLANK contest. It's the most fun you can have on the internet without nikked pictures.

Fill in the blank fun.

2007-01-22T13:58:00.000-05:00

Here are the rules.

Click on the picture below.

Copy the picture below.

Fill in something funny in the speech balloon.

Post it on your site, or on a photohosting site.

Leave a link to your new image in the comments section.

Winner gets a prize. The prize of being picked funny by me.

Now tell the world what Robert Redford is really saying.

This Plan is Certifiable

2007-01-19T21:25:00.000-05:00

A
PAID POLITICAL
ANNOUNCEMENT
BY
SENATOR HARRY REID (D-NEV)

My fellow Americans. I'd like to thank Mr. Poplar for letting me place this very special message on his blog. He won't be getting arrested when my new bill becomes law.

Not at first, anyway.

Now there are a few people, right-wing Christian-neo-crypto-fascist types who don't care my proposal to regulate 'grassroots political speech' like blogs.

Look at it from my perspective.

Sure, it's a dramatic repeal of the right to free speech, and it could result in people being sent to prison, but it's all being done for a good cause.

The Democratic Party.

You see, a lot of these blogs are challenging the Mainstream Media, and that's a bad thing because the Mainstream Media is the Democratic Party's friend.

We can't afford having people out there spouting out their ideas and facts and anything else that might damage our chances in 2008.

That's why I'm proposing that all bloggers be registered, and follow strict regulations when it comes to criticizing ~~Democrats~~ Congress or face fines and imprisonment.

There's nothing to worry about here, just the complete elimination of free speech.

But who needs it anyways.

Definitely not Republicans.

So get out there and support my proposal. And you better not be criticizing it just because it's vague, unconstitutional, and criminalizes basic human rights.

Because we're making a list.

And you don't wanna be on that list.

Remember that.

Procreation Is Destiny

2007-01-14T17:26:00.000-05:00

A SPECIAL GUEST COMMENTARY
BY
SENATOR BARBARA BOXER (D-CA)

My fellow Americans.

There are those among you, right-wing Christian fascists for the most part, who have been critical of my recent comments where I said that Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice had no right to make major decisions because she never had children.

All she did was combat racism, sexism and academic elitism to become one of the most powerful women in the history of this country.

That's not the kind of role model we want for our young girls.

Besides, she hasn't had any children. She's as barren as the centre of Antarctica, and hence has no right to make any decisions and express any opinions.

Now if she had a few abortions, she'd be all right, that's her choice.

But she didn't.

And that makes her a terrible, terrible person.

That sexist pig Tony Snow even had the brass ones to call my comment a major step back for feminism.

HOW DARE HE!

I'm a Democrat, I decide what's best for feminism!

Feminism's role in the world is best decided by people like me. Not people like Condoleeza Rice.

She's a Republican.

All she's concerned about is getting women the right to vote, speak, and not be raped and murdered in crappy little loser countries in the Middle East. She won't join us at the barricades to fight the real threat to feminism.

The shortage of female plumbers in the Midwestern States.

That's the greatest threat free women are facing in the world!

And the barren Condoleeza Rice won't do a damn thing about it.

Well, Recuuuuuuussssssseee ME!

2007-01-12T21:19:00.000-05:00

A MOMENT OF TRUTH COMMENTARY
BY
DISTRICT ATTORNEY
MIKE NIFONG

Hi.

Now I've come under a lot of criticism for my heavy handed tactics in the Duke University Rape Investigation. Folks are all upset because I violated the Constitution, basic investigatory procedure, common sense and human decency, all to prosecute some boys accused of rape, some with alibis.

Well let me explain why I did all the things I did and maybe you'll understand.

I was trying to win an election.

You see I was up against an opponent that had experience, a solid reputation as a prosecutor, and above all, name recognition.

I was screwed.

Then came the 'exotic dancer' and her story about the Lacrosse team. I swear it had to be a gift from heaven. Here was a story that had sex, violence, racism, and a chance for my predominantly African American electorate to feel that they were getting some sort of societal revenge on 'Rich White Boys.'

How could I pass it up?

Sure the dancer's story changed, pretty much constantly, the only witnesses contradicted her everchanging story, there was no physical evidence, and yeah, there was that whole videotaped on the other side of town thing, but that's all facts. This case was going to get me not only elected District Attorney, but probably take me all the way to Governor.

At least that's what I hoped, until those pesky right-wingers started asking questions. Bringing up the shoddy police work, the jury pool tainting, and the other acts of either incompetence and/or corruption involved, sure I still got re-elected, but I had to drop most of the charges and now I've got to recuse myself from the case. Let somebody else drop this hot potato.

Now you're probably wondering why would I violate the tenets of justice that I've sworn to uphold, slander an entire sports team, and make all future rape prosecutions harder, just to get elected?

Well, I'm a Democrat.

Democrats only want one thing.

Power.

And we will do and say anything to get it.

Now don't go playing all shocked and appalled at what I just said.

You know it's true.

Hell, the Congressional Democrats are playing fast and loose with the lives of millions of people in the Middle East, setting up Iraqis and Israelis for potential genocides, but it's all for the good cause of making George W. Bush look bad and seizing power.

That's all that matters.

No matter how many lives you destroy.

Because Republicans are evil.

2007- What the Future Holds....

2007-01-01T20:57:00.000-05:00

PRESENTED BY THE

GREAT ZBORNAK
SEES ALL, TELLS ALL, KNOWS NOTHING

Greetings and a Happy New Year fellow travellers on the astral plane, it is me, the one and only Great Zbornak, seer of the future, teller of fortunes, and predictor of things to come.

I have come to tell you what this new year holds for people in the news. I have peered into my crystal balls and saw what the fates have in store for the world.

BRITNEY SPEARS- Will form a supergroup with gal-pals Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton. The group will be short lived because of a debate over what to call the group. Paris wanted to call it "Her Peace Trio," Lindsey Lohan wanted to call it "Drunk, Trashy & Slutty," and Britney wanted it named "Chix 3 Panties 0." All who see their one live performance call it by another name: 'Crap.'

SEAN PENN- Will grow despondent over the death of friend, mentor and fellow narcissist Saddam Hussein and dedicate his life, and over three hundred and fifty million dollars of Sumner Redstone's Paramount money to write, direct and star in a musical biopic of the recently deceased dictator. The film, called Saddam: The Dictator of Peace & Love, will be one of the biggest bombs of all time.

This leads to Sean Penn running for the Democratic Party nomination on a platform of forcing Americans to watch his movie, and the one made for the Dixie Chicks to fight being 'silenced' by something as silly as the will of the people. He loses after beating up a cameraman trying to film one of his campaign speeches. He promptly blames the loss on the 'Jewish conspiracy' Jimmy Carter told him about and those '*sshole American voters.'

Penn will then go on to his next project, a $300 million biopic called the Glory of Bin Ladin.

THE NEW YORK TIMES- Will continue to run complete wrong stories as long as they fit their anti-American/Israel/Christian mindset.

ASSOCIATED PRESS- Will become the subject of some controversy among blogs when it's revealed that Al-Qaida deputy honcho Ayman Al-Zawahiri was working for them as a 'stringer' covering Afghanistan. The MSM will either ignore the controversy, or accuse the bloggers of being part of a 'Vast Right Wing Neocon Theocrat Jewish Conspiracy.'

THE ISLAMIC WORLD- Will erupt in violent rage leading to thousands of deaths worldwide. Over something. We don't what it will be, neither do they, but boy will it get them mad.

HOLLYWOOD- Will continue to be seen as divorced from the general public and reality when it's revealed that Danny Bonaduce is the only one talking any sense.

JIMMY CARTER- Will continue to do and say things both asinine and anti-Semitic.

That's all for now. I'll see you again soon.....

Rosie VS The Donald: Clash of Titanic Egos

2006-12-28T17:41:00.000-05:00

Normally it warms my heart to see too monstrous egomaniacs go at each other like a pair of raging chimps deranged by methamphetamine and too many electric shocks to the genitalia. However, this whole Rosie O'Donnell/Donald Trump feud is turning into what I call a case of 'media herpes' a pointless, painful running sore that never really goes away, just lies dormant for about an hour before flaring up into a nasty burning pustule on the brain.

Lately Rosie's begun attacking The Donald on her blog, and in response The Donald has started his own blog. Here's some excerpts and I must warn you, it gets ugly, and I'm not talking about looks.

--------

ROSIE'S CORNER

donald trump
donald pimp
his hair looks like poo

I can't write
so my blog looks like
bad haiku

babra is pissy
cause she won't get an
invite to trump tower
this new year's eve

damn them all to hell
they are all homophobes
because they think i'm not funny

i'm the f*cking 'queen of nice' dammit!

i'm a lesbian
and a celebrity
my opinions matter

now barbra's saying i'll be fired if i don't stop this blogging

i'm the queen of nice

choke on it and die america

----------

THE DONALD'S YACK SHACK

CATEGORY: Rants.
MOOD: Cranky
MUSIC: First We Take Manhattan -Leonard Cohen

Damn that Rosie.

It's bad enough that she bad mouths my decision to not fire Miss USA for partying harder than Lindsay Lohan on a bender, but then she bad mouths my business acumen, my hair, and my relationships.

Damn it Rosie, you were just supposed to drum up some controversy to publicize Miss USA, but you had to go too far, like the last time you visited a buffet special.

And you had to insult my hair...

Don't diss the hair Rosie.

I'm warning you.

Only an idiot with a death-wish bad mouths to Donald-do.

Remember, I'm in construction in New York.

I know people.

Bad people.

Bad people who do bad things.

So unless you wanna end up in the foundation of my next high-rise, I suggest you shut yer big fat yap.

I'm not threatening anyone, I'm just talking.

Rosie, if I was Barbara Walters I'd have only one thing to say to her...

"You're fired."

Then I'd have to sue her for breaching my copyright.

So shut up already. People are only watching you because you're like a big fat walking car wreck.

It's About Feelings, Nothing More Than Feelings...

2006-12-21T12:11:00.000-05:00

A PAID POLITICAL ANNOUNCEMENT FROM

FORMER PRESIDENT JIMMY CARTER

Sorry. Wrong picture.

Take 2:

A PAID POLITICAL ANNOUNCEMENT FROMFORMER PRESIDENT JIMMY CARTER

My fellow Americans.

As you have probably heard, I have fallen victim to a vicious campaign of scurrilous hate speech where people have called me a 'bigot' and an 'anti-semite' simply because I left-handedly support the destruction of the Zionist Entity of Israel and the genocide of the Jewish people.

Now we all know that anyone who challenges my assertions and interpretations of history are nothing more than a bunch of war-mongering, blood-guzzling, pack of chickenhawk mass-murdering madman, but I won't lower myself to their sort of hate-speech.

What I am aiming to do at this blog is to present the real cause for all the troubles in the Middle East.

It all boils down to self-esteem.

You see our Islamic Brethren have oil, which is both cheap to produce and also wickedly expensive to buy. Yet their countries are all poorly run, corrupt basket cases, with high unemployment, rampant poverty, where people are regularly and savagely brutalized by their own governments.

And this is all caused by low self-esteem.

And what is the cause of this low self-esteem?

Jews.

You see a small number of Jews in a tiny little corner of the Middle East have carved out a nation that not only has a functioning democracy, but also a thriving economy, and they don't have the instantaneous wealth brought by oil.

Can't you see how this makes our Muslim brothers feel?

No matter what, lives in the Middle East have been getting progressively worse for the past five or six centuries, and the presence of non-Muslims being successful with a hell of lot less than what they have, is just too much for their pride to bear.

Now you could offer advice that maybe they should dump their dictators and replace them with systems that are more democratic and less oppressive and that would help make them as successful as the Israelis, but that would be RACIST NEOCON TALK.

And you don't wanna be a racist Neocon, do you?

The best hope we have for peace is to let our Islamic Brothers push the Jews into the sea, then they might stop being mad at us for being so rich and successful.

It could work.

I Don't Know Nuthin About Denying No Holocaust...

2006-12-13T21:21:00.000-05:00

Now I figure that you've all heard about Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's little Festival of Holocaust Denial that going on in Iran right now.

Right now he's playing host to ex-KKK Grand Rectumus David Duke and to a clutch of ultra-Orthodox Jews who are against Israel and everything it stands for.

I don't know the name of the group, I just call them Jews Against Jews.

They've all gathered to revel in the denial of the historic fact of the Nazi-perpetrated holocaust of Europe's Jews.

But have you heard of Shiraz Dossa?

Not many have. He's an obscure professor of Political Science at the once respectable St. Francis Xavier University in Nova Scotia, Canada. There he has a reputation for ignoring the prepared text and ranting for hours about the evils of the Bush Administration, America, and the Jewish people.

He's attending this little Anti-Semitic Social, the Anti-Hebrew Hatefest, the Jew-bashing Jamboree, to give it his pseudo academic blessing.

READ ABOUT IT HERE

I would my readers, all five of them, to contact St. Francis Xavier University, St. FX for short, and ask them why they are employing such a rabid anti-western, anti-Semitic, anti-history person on their faculty.

St. Francis Xavier University
P.O. Box 5000
Antigonish, NS
B2G 2W5

Or visit their website.

Now I must insist that you be on your best behaviour. We don't want another moonbat claiming pseudo martyrdom at the hands of 'rude right-wingers'.

Use reasonable arguments.
No threats.
No foul language.

Leave that for the moonbat trolls from Kos and DU.

Shiraz Dossa
Another Argument for the Elimination of Tenure

Dixie Chix Uncut, Uncensored, Uncouth...

2006-12-13T14:25:00.001-05:00

Hat tip to Hot Air for this little ditty...