1 on 1 with Seymour Hersh

VOX POPLAR- Welcome, today I go one on one with journalist, raconteur, and rabble-rouser Seymour Hersh about recent comments he made about the US military in Iraq at a speech at McGill University in Montreal, Canada. For some reason he's refused to go into my patented Vox Poplar Tube of Truth, so we're just gonna talk. Welcome Seymour Hersh.

SEYMOUR HERSH- It's good to be here in Canada and away from the Fascist State of Amerikkka.

VOX POPLAR- Really? I didn't know it was that bad in America.

SEYMOUR HERSH- I'm the only one with the guts to tell the truth. As I speak entire cities are burning to the ground, American soldiers are rounding up African-Americans and sending them to vote-denying death camps while Dick Cheney drinks the blood of infants and George W. Bush and his coven of neo-con theocrats build altars to their bloodsucking god out of their bones! I know I've seen the video!

VOX POPLAR- If all this is happening, why are you the only one talking about it?

SEYMOUR HERSH- Because the Republicans secretly control the mainstream media!

VOX POPLAR- The same mainstream media that constantly puts anti-Republican, and anti-American spins on their news coverage while exposing vital national security secrets?

SEYMOUR HERSH- That's just a clever ruse, cleverly designed by that clever Beelzebub of American politics the clever Karl Rove.

VOX POPLAR- Oh, really?

SEYMOUR HERSH- Why do I detect a note of doubt in your voice?

VOX POPLAR- It's not really a note, more like a symphony.

SEYMOUR HERSH- I've seen video of America's military in action! I've seen them gun down entire cities full of people, and then feast upon their flesh in an orgy of cannibalism and necrophilia. There is no insurgency in Iraq, because all the Iraqis are dead. Right now they're smuggling innocent civilians from all over the Muslim world in order to kill them for sport, and sell their organs to Israel on the black market.

VOX POPLAR- Please, go on.

SEYMOUR HERSH- Plus, as John Kerry says, America's troops are all brain-washed borderline retards that exist solely for killing as many innocent people as they can... wait a minute... What are you doing with that button?

VOX POPLAR- What button?

SEYMOUR HERSH- The red shiny button on the control panel in your hand.

VOX POPLAR- You mean this button?

(Click-VWOOSH!)

SEYMOUR HERSH- What the hell is this?

VOX POPLAR- That's the Vox Poplar Patented Tube of Truth. While inside you are completely unable to lie.

SEYMOUR HERSH- That's why I refused to do this!

VOX POPLAR- Now let's get to the nitty gritty. You're notorious for making wild allegations of abuse and slaughter in your public appearances, yet you haven't written any articles about these supposed news stories. Why?

SEYMOUR HERSH- That's easy. If I write this crap in an article, I could get my ass sued off for libel. If I make it in a speech, it's just slander, and barring any video of me making the speech, I can always claim that I was misquoted. DAMN IT! I didn't want to say that!

VOX POPLAR- I guess the next logical question is why do you make such statements?

SEYMOUR HERSH- Because I hate America, I hate Israel, I hate myself, and I pretty much hate any society that allows someone as loathsome as me become a success. Plus, I haven't written anything of consequence since the 70s. I'm a raving narcissist who desperately needs attention, and the easiest way to get that is to tell a bunch of left-wing ass-hats what they want to hear.

VOX POPLAR- Where is this video you claim to have seen showing US troops massacring a soccer game?

SEYMOUR HERSH- There is no video. I just pulled the story out of my ass because it's what my audience wants to hear. Besides, they're not going to ask me for the video, because that would prove that I'm nuttier than an elephant's snack bowl, they just let the story slide because it feeds their pre-existing prejudices. These are people who think Ted Rall is funny, their brains are fried beyond simple reason. Oh crap! I didn't want to say that!

VOX POPLAR- Well, I think that's all for today, so until next time, good-day, and good luck.

SEYMOUR HERSH- LET ME OUT OF THIS DAMN TUBE!!