1 on 1 with ABU MUSAB AL-ZARQAWI

Many journalists have tried, but only I have succeeded in landing a 1 on 1 interview with arch-terrorist, mass-killer, and idol of the idle leftists, Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi.

 

The interview takes place in a hospital room in an undisclosed location. (but if you just happen to look in room 456 at the Carlos the Jackal Memorial Hospital in Damascus, you might be pleasantly surprised.)  Here we discuss recent reports of him being wounded and near death.

 

VOX: Good afternoon Mr. Zarqawi.

 

ABU: Please call me Abu.  You don't have to be formal, just because I'm a mass murderer.

 

VOX: Okay, Abu.  I guess I should get right to the point.  There have been recent reports that you were wounded in the lung by shrapnel or an American bullet, and that you were near death.  But you don't look like you're near death.

 

ABU: Yeah, well, you see that was just a rumour started by some of my followers.  You know fanatics, it all has to be coated in blood and death to make more palatable.

 

VOX: Then why are you in here?

 

ABU: It's a hard life being a fugitive terrorist.  All those fast-food falafels eaten on the run were going right to my thighs.

 

VOX: Wait a minute.  Are you saying that you're in here for liposuction?

 

ABU: Yep.  Chicks don't dig the love handles, and I believe in pleasing the ladies before I stick them in a burqa and have them stoned for talking to their uncle without permission.

 

VOX: Okay, that explains the hospital stay.  But why do you have breast implants?

 

ABU: Oh, these.  Funny story about them.  There was a bit of a mix-up in the operating rooms and I woke up with the Lindsey Lohan special.  But I'm not complaining.

 

VOX: That's very big of you.

 

ABU: I'm just going to have the doctor's family decapitated.

 

VOX: Isn't that a bit harsh, couldn't you just sue him?

 

ABU: Actually, I'm well within my rights to have his children burnt alive, but I've decided to be magnanimous.

 

VOX: When are you getting the implants removed?

 

ABU: I'm keeping them.

 

VOX:  Okay, this is getting kind of creepy, so let's move onto another topic.  Is there any message you'd care to send the outside world?

 

ABU: Sure, death to America, death to Israel, death to all democracies.  And I'd like to give a shout out to my homies, George Galloway, and Michael Moore.  Keep on rocking in the free world dudes, before I take over and kill you all.

 

VOX: Thanks for your time.

 

ABU: Thank you, infidel pig-dog.  You're a credit to the leftist media.  By the way, would please not mention the $25 million dollar reward for my head.  I'd rather that not get around while I'm laid up.

 

VOX: Uh....yeah... I won't mention it... again...

 

ABU: Why did you say again?  Why is the nurse looking at me funny?

 

VOX: Gotta go.

 

Random Ramblings 2...

THIS JUST IN: SADDAM'S UNDERPANTS!

The world is in a tizzy after a Brit tabloid printed photos of ex-Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein in his cell, dressed only in his tighty-whities. One question came to my mind, Why would anyone want to post a picture of Saddam in his undies in the first place?

But that's not what others are doing. Saddam's lawyers want him either released or paid a million spondoolicks for the indignity of having him spread out like a centerfold for 'Doughy & Hairy Men Monthly.' And the US Military is investigating because such pics are a clear violation of both their security, their policies and their sense of good taste.

Now I can help them find out who took the photos and we can use Saddam's own habits to figure it out.

1. The pics weren't taken on a Thursday, because Saddam likes to call it 'Thong-day.'
2. They weren't taken on Saturday, which is the day Saddam 'goes commando.'
3. Saddam was doing his own laundry. Something he only started doing last month because the prison laundry stopped using his favourite 'Mountain Fresh' fabric softener.
4. The pictures was taken over a week ago, before he got his 'Belinda 4-Ever' tattoo.
5. The photos had to have been taken the day British MP George Galloway was testifying before the American Congress, because his nose wasn't wedged up Saddam's ass.

Follow these simple clues, and I'm sure that the US Military can catch the culprit and punish them horribly for putting the image of Saddam's beer-gut in everyone's mind.

THIS JUST IN: AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL PUTS IT FOOT IN IT

Human Rights Organisation Amnesty International has just fallen off their moral high-horse and bumped themselves on their collective noggin. They've decided to start a crusade for Jeremy 'AWOL' Hinzmann who deserted his unit and is now clogging up the already dysfunctional Canadian refugee system.

Apparently Amnesty International thinks it's wrong for someone to spend 5 years in prison just because they committed a legally recognized crime. Their reason, George W. Bush is a Republican.

Forget the raped women and starved children of Darfur, forget the imprisoned Christians in Saudi Arabia, forget the oppression of free speech in Venezuela, they all have to drop everything because there's a Republican in the White House.

Get a grip.

THIS JUST IN: BILL MAHER'S BIG FAT MOUTH

Bill Maher is being criticized by a Republican congressman. Apparently the Congressman was watching Monsieur Maher's show and saw Maher say that all American soldiers were like renegade goon-ette and chronic genital pointer Lindey England.

I was shocked to see just how ignorant, insensitive and anti-American Bill Maher is, but I was even more shocked to find out that somebody actually watched his show.

Yeesh.

Random Ramblings 1.

Hi folks, sorry to have gone so long without posting, (rehab takes a lot of time) but I'm back, I'm as bad as ever. So here's the news as I fake it up like an issue of Newsweek.

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PETER MACKAY'S TO-DO LIST

Canada's all atwitter over the defection of Belinda 'Heartbreaker' Stronach to the Dark Side.... I mean the Liberal Party. Much attention is also being paid to her ex-lovemonkey Peter 'Don't Call Me Sweetheart' MacKay.

MacKay recently stated that he was going to spend the parliamentary break 'healing' and spending time with his 'loyal' dogs. Well that's not all he's got planned. I've found his 'To-Do List.'

1. Get rip roaring drunk and spend the night crying and listening to my collection of old Loverboy and Platinum Blonde albums.
2. Plant potatoes in my dad's garden. Which takes less bullshit that you find in Ottawa.
3. Tear up letters addressed to 'Spanky.'
4. Walk dogs. They're loyal... not unlike a certain...
5. Have 'Belinda Forever' tattoo lasered off my right ass-cheek.
6. Cry again.
7. Post naked pictures of Belinda on the internet.

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NEWSWEAK

Is it just me or did the editors and fact-checkers at venerable rag Newsweek fail to spot a fundamental question in their Korangate investigation.

Is it really possible to flush a book, any book, down the toilet?

That's why I propose this simple test.

1. Purchase a paperback book, any book, as long as it matches any holy book in heft and size. A big John Grisham or Tom Clancy paperback will do.
2. Go to the offices of Newsweek Magazine in New York City.
3. Sneak into the private bathroom of the magazine's editor-in-chief.
4. Put book in editor's private toilet bowl.
5. Flush.
6. Run like hell.

Try it and see what happens.