Wow, Me Be College Boy Now!

A Special Guest Commentary

by Sayed Rahmatellah Hashemi

Greetings American swine-dogs!

It is me, Sayed Rahmatellah Hashemi the former spokesman for Afghanistan's Taliban Government, and now student at your University of Yale.

I tell you I am much surprised by what my room-mate Squid calls the "buzz-killing" over my getting into your elite institution of higher indoctrination education. Sure, I have a fourth grade education and a high-school equivalency certificate from Uncle Rashid's Discount Madrassa & House of Kabob, and that might not make me qualify academically for Yale, but I bring something that is most special.

I bring life experience.

A lot of the professors in your League of Ivy give me the look up to, because I have done what they have only dreamed of doing. I've worked for a fascist dictatorship. Helped terrorists from all over the world kill Yankee swine dogs and Joos. And I can make mouthy women shut up with a simple flick of the fist, and if that doesn't work, I introduce them to my friends Mr. Gas-can and Mr. Match.

In other words I have lived their dream.

With these League of Ivy types it is all talk, talk, talk. None of them have had the stone cold falafels to strap a bomb vest to a retarded child and send him into a crowded market, booby trap wounded people so they can kill the medical personnel trying to keep them from reaching their 72 virgins, behead a schoolteacher for the horrible crime of teaching girls to read.

Oh sure, American colleges hand out professorships to creaky 60s fossils from the Weather Underground & the SDS like rocks at the stoning of a rape victim, but none of them have actually succeeded in literally taking their country back into the Dark Ages.

They talk the talk, but I've walked the walk.

I must admit, you Americans sure are friendly to newcomers. My new brothers at Eta Beta Pi Fraternity were very welcoming; something about having the word 'Hash' in my name being a good luck charm. Our relationship did hit a rough patch when I burnt down the Rho Lambda Sorority House with all the sorority girls inside because of their shameless and brazen displaying of their bare arms. (Short sleeved shirts are the tool of Satan!)

Everyone was mad at me, and the Dean was thinking of turfing my turbaned tush all the way back to Kandahar, especially after I made the "Roast Lambda" crack, I guess different cultures have different opinions of good comedy.

Luckily I was able to save my hide by declaring that my act of mass slaughter was merely me acting according to my cultural norms. That and the fact that the Rho Lambda girls were probably all Christians made it all the more acceptable to the folks who run Yale.

So remember, Yale may have accepted the 21st Century's equivalent of Joseph Goebbels into their hallowed halls, but they have yet to do squat to help educate Afghani women, and to me that's a good thing.

Now I gotta book. Squid's taking to some new ritual called a "Kegger."

Sounds like fun.

Bye.

I KNOW BETTER YOU FLYOVER COUNTRY MORONS!

A Special Guest Commentary by

Richard Belzer

Hello folks.

I'd like to thank Vox for letting me blog in his place, especially since he's all busy trying to get people to send comments to his Ask Uncle Vox column and needs someone to fill his shoes. George Clooney was going to do another one, but his secretary went on vacation, leaving him unable to write it for himself, keyboards scare him, so I stepped in.

Now a lot of you bloggers are giving me six kinds of shit over my declaration that I know more about the state of the Iraq War than the soldiers on the ground. Now my comments have been taken out of context, so allow me to explain.

I do know more than the soldiers on the field because I'm an actor and comedian.

There, does that explain it, you drooling inbred flyover country fucktards?

It better, because I'm sick and tired of trying to explain such a simple concept to the mush brained church sucking morons who everyday face death and destruction to preserve the country and culture that gave me a good living by being a sarcastic asshole.

Oh, you still don't get it.

What a bunch of Jesusland dwelling shitwads.

Okay, I make my living as an actor and comedian. I've done everything from Law & Order: SVU to Lois & Clark.

Actors know everything about everything.

It's as simple as that.

Sure we may not have much in the way of education, or real world experience, and we tend to lead very sheltered, if not downright reclusive lives, communicating only with other actors, or people who work for us, but we still know more than you and will always know more than you.

That's why when I call our soldiers a bunch of dimwitted hillbilly morons, I'm right. Oh sure, you can show me a bunch of statistics saying that the majority of people in our military are well educated people from the middle and upper middle classes of the social spectrum. Well I have one thing to say about that!

Who got to you?

Was it the conspiracy between the Illuminati, the Freemasons, the Jesuits, the Grey Aliens, and the Elders of Zion, (known collectively as The Man) or their agents in Halliburton and the RethugliKKKan Party?

Come one, fess up you shit-eating bastards!

Only a minion of those dark forces would dare challenge my broad assertions about the people serving in AmeriKKKa's military with something as lame and inane as facts.

That's why I stand against our military and the fascist state of AmeriKKKa that they uphold, and don't you dare call me unpatriotic! We'll all be better off when AmeriKKKa's enemies take over and we can be truly free from the thuggish Republicans and their fascist ways.

I must be right, because what kind of a sick country would allow someone like me to become rich and famous?

Out of Touch & Proud of It

A Special Guest Commentary by

George Clooney

First of all I'd like to thank Vox Poplar for letting me "guest blog" here for real and not fake it like a certain Airhead Huff & Puff

But enough about her and how she tried to fake me guest blogging, I'm blogging here for real now and she can take her Post and....

Anyway.

As an Academy Award Winner I feel that it's my duty to expound on politics. Sure I have limited education, and I make my living by looking handsome and repeating words others have written for me, but I'm an Oscar winner, which has to mean something.

First- I think the Democrats are pussies for rising up to stop the crypto-fascist Chimp BushHitler regime's invasion of the peace-loving and kite flying land of Iraq.

I mean talk about moral cowardice. There was poor little Saddam Hussein, someone who has never hurt anyone in his life, and the old Bush/Cheney/Halliburton Military Industrial Complex was allowed to swoop in and take their oil and give it to Israel. I know it's a fact, Michael Moore himself told me over an avocado and tofu pizza at a Hillary Clinton fundraiser at Rob Reiner's Malibu beach house.

Moore knows what he's talking about. He does all the post-production on his films up in Canada. I'm sure he's got some political reason for that, and that he's not just doing it to get out of paying American union wages.

Anyway, like I said at the Oscars I'm proud to be out of touch with the mainstream of fascist America. In fact Hollywood Democrats have a great history of being out of touch. During the dawn of the Civil Rights Movement, only one voice in Hollywood dared to stand up to the rest of America which was ruled by the Ku Klux Klan, and stood alone to become Hollywood's leading Civil Rights Advocate, and that man was Charlton Heston.

...wait a minute...

...Heston's a Republican...

...That doesn't count.

Let's stick to something I know all about, like The McCarthy Era.

I mean if it wasn't for liberal journalist Edward R. Murrow, McCarthy would have become President and made over the entire country like some sort of crypto-fascist version of my stylist Raoul.

Oh sure, Republicans had savagely attacked McCarthy during the Army Hearings, turning public opinion against him, but it was Murrow who had the courage to stand up to McCarthy on national television after the senator had been politically neutered.

I know all about that kind of courage.

It's not the kind of courage shown by those losers who join the army and go off spreading democracy and freedom in dangerous countries. That's just shallow jingoist patriotism.

Real courage is making a film like Syriana that presents terrorists and suicide bombers as heroes and Americans as evil imperialists. Maybe Bush hasn't killed any actors lately, but I put myself in real danger for that role.

I gained a lot of weight for that part.

You don't know how dangerous that is in Hollywood. It goes against years of training to binge and not purge to do that, and if I couldn't dump the weight fast enough my career would be over.

Hollywood does not have space for a chunky hunk.

It was my courage that won me that Oscar.

Courage that should put those stupid soldiers fighting the Iraqi minutemen and their IUDs to shame. What kind of losers is afraid of birth control devices?

So if I'm out of touch with the American public and reality, then so be it. I'm proud to be out of touch, because the MSM will still give me lots of coverage and that will keep my paycheques fat and awards on my mantle no matter how poorly my films do at the box office.

Uncle Vox Needs Your Help!

The two or three angry loners who regularly read the spewings and rantings on this blog are probably familiar with my court ordered attempts at helping people called "Ask Uncle Vox."

Well the judge found out that I was making up those letters asking for my advice and he decided to play 'Mr. Obey the Law' and I have to start all over again if I wish to avoid jail and possible libel actions.I need you folks out in cyberspace to leave questions about problems in my sassback box that I can offer my own unique brand of advice on.

So get to it... NOW!

I'm too good looking for jail!

The Poplar Report!

Greetings and felicitations blog-readers. Here is the news...

A recent survey shows that almost 50% of Americans have a negative view of Islam and believe that Muslims are prone to violence. When asked to comment on these results the spokesman for the group Wahabbi Holy Alliance for Communication, Knowledge & Openness Imam Mustapha Ba'ath declared: "Those attitudes are an insult to Islam and must be met with brutal and bloody vengeance! They must all die!!!"

---

Slobodan Milosevic is still dead.

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Civil war in Iraq is inevitable. It could start at any minute.

No, really, it's coming...

I'm sure of it...

Was that it?

Nope, that was a cat.

Still, it's coming, we're pretty certain.

---

Actress and pop-tart Lindsey Lohan declared that she'd do a nude scene if it would win her an Oscar.

Insert your own joke here.

---

The British Interior Minister had to lecture British soccer 'fans' to be more polite when they're savagely beating up people during the upcoming World Cup in Germany. Stating that they should not mention the war or engage in their usual witty repartee of Hitler salutes and Nazi jokes.

They are still permitted to call the French wine-sodden, cheese-sucking, surrender monkeys.

Ah, the British, such class.

Slobo is No Mo... (Overheard in Hell)

BELIAL: All right people line up. I said line up you maggots! You with the hand up, what do you want?

SLOBODAN: My name is Slobodan Milosevic the President of Yugoslavia and I demand to know where I am!

BELIAL: Look around Slobo the Slowpoke. You see fire and smoke, you smell brimstone, and you can hear the wailing and lamentations of souls in eternal torment, where do you think you are?

SLOBODAN: Los Angeles?

BELIAL: You're in Hell you idiot! H-E-Double Hockey Sticks! The pit, the abyss, the place of eternal suffering where evildoers like you are punished for their crimes.

SLOBODAN: I demand a new attorney and a hearing about this issue. The United Nations has no legal authority to send me to Los Angeles!

BELIAL: The United Nations didn't send you here. Your atrocities made you a reservation for here, and your love for deep fried pork rinds paid the proverbial bus fare. Now I'm in charge of orientation for you and the other damned souls. Over to your left is eternal torment, to your right is eternal suffering, and right over there is eternal torment with wedgies.

SLOBODAN: This is totally unfair!

BELIAL: Actually, your life was totally unfair, this is where you finally get what's truly fair.

SLOBODAN: But I'm an important national leader!

BELIAL: No you were the tin-pot dictator of a little country that was so vile and incompetent it ended up breaking up into a bunch of even littler countries and got a bunch of innocent people killed for your stupid dreams of glory. So shut your hole you failed wannabe Hitler or I'll shut it for you.

SLOBODAN: Hey, I stand by my delusions of grandeur!

BELIAL: Now let me get the spiked ball gag out of this bucket of dog feces.

SLOBODAN: Hey, get away from me with that!

BELIAL: Don't be such a baby, you're worse than Mohammed Atta.

SLOBODAN: Mmmmphh, mmmmph...

BELIAL: Much better. No you have a choice. You can either spend eternity getting dry buggered by a horde of demons wearing sandpaper condoms. Or you can watch a play.

SLOBODAN: Mmmmph.

BELIAL: You'd rather have the show? All right, let me strap you in... Now bend over... There you go. Okay, ladies you can start now.

ROSIE: Hi, I'm Rosie O'Donnell.

BARBRA: I'm Barbra Streisand.

JANE: I'm Jane Fonda.

JANEANE: And I'm Janeane Garofolo. And we're here to perform, just for you, The Vagina Monologues. The long version.

SLOBODAN: Mmmmmmph! Mmmmph!

BELIAL: You poor bastard. I bet those demons are looking a hell of a lot better now.

SLOBODAN: Mmmmph! Mmmmmph!

BELIAL: Just to show you that I'm not all sadism and torture, I'll come back in a hundred years or so and you can tell me if you change your mind.

BARBRA: I'm going to sing my part... Vagina can you hear me!

SLOBODAN: Mmmmph! Mmmmmph! Mmmmmph!

BELIAL: Sometimes the things we do here makes me sick.

The Benefits of Bennish

There's been a lot of talk about Colorado Geography teacher Jay Bennish and his being recorded by a student comparing President Bush to Adolph Hitler. Well, I have the transcript to another recording of Mr. Bennish in action.

BENNISH: Aaaaarrggghhh! Bush is Hitler! Bush is Hitler! America must be destroyed! Aaaaarrrrggghhh!

STUDENT: Mr. Bennish.

BENNISH: What is it?

STUDENT: What does President Bush being Hitler have to do with the formation of the Amazon River Delta?

BENNISH: What kind of a student asks questions like that? Did Dick Cheney's crypto-fascist storm-troopers send you? DID THEY!?!

STUDENT: No sir.

BENNISH: Then sit still and shut up. America must be destroyed because it's the cause of all the death and misery in the world.

STUDENT: Even the 40 million killed by Stalin, the 60 million killed by Mao, and the hundreds of deaths caused by Che Guevera, who happens to be on your T-Shirt?

BENNISH: You are so flunked you nasty little RethugliKKKan bastard!

VOX: That man should be fired from his position as a teacher and put where he belongs. As anchor of the CBS Evening News.