12/28/2006

Rosie VS The Donald: Clash of Titanic Egos

Normally it warms my heart to see too monstrous egomaniacs go at each other like a pair of raging chimps deranged by methamphetamine and too many electric shocks to the genitalia. However, this whole Rosie O'Donnell/Donald Trump feud is turning into what I call a case of 'media herpes' a pointless, painful running sore that never really goes away, just lies dormant for about an hour before flaring up into a nasty burning pustule on the brain.

Lately Rosie's begun attacking The Donald on her blog, and in response The Donald has started his own blog. Here's some excerpts and I must warn you, it gets ugly, and I'm not talking about looks.

--------

ROSIE'S CORNER


donald trump
donald pimp
his hair looks like poo

I can't write
so my blog looks like
bad haiku

babra is pissy
cause she won't get an
invite to trump tower
this new year's eve

damn them all to hell
they are all homophobes
because they think i'm not funny

i'm the f*cking 'queen of nice' dammit!

i'm a lesbian
and a celebrity
my opinions matter

now barbra's saying i'll be fired if i don't stop this blogging

i'm the queen of nice

choke on it and die america

----------

THE DONALD'S YACK SHACK

CATEGORY: Rants.
MOOD: Cranky
MUSIC: First We Take Manhattan -Leonard Cohen

Damn that Rosie.

It's bad enough that she bad mouths my decision to not fire Miss USA for partying harder than Lindsay Lohan on a bender, but then she bad mouths my business acumen, my hair, and my relationships.

Damn it Rosie, you were just supposed to drum up some controversy to publicize Miss USA, but you had to go too far, like the last time you visited a buffet special.

And you had to insult my hair...

Don't diss the hair Rosie.

I'm warning you.

Only an idiot with a death-wish bad mouths to Donald-do.

Remember, I'm in construction in New York.

I know people.

Bad people.

Bad people who do bad things.

So unless you wanna end up in the foundation of my next high-rise, I suggest you shut yer big fat yap.

I'm not threatening anyone, I'm just talking.

Rosie, if I was Barbara Walters I'd have only one thing to say to her...

"You're fired."

Then I'd have to sue her for breaching my copyright.

So shut up already. People are only watching you because you're like a big fat walking car wreck.

12/21/2006

It's About Feelings, Nothing More Than Feelings...

A PAID POLITICAL ANNOUNCEMENT FROM
FORMER PRESIDENT JIMMY CARTER

Sorry. Wrong picture.

Take 2:

A PAID POLITICAL ANNOUNCEMENT FROMFORMER PRESIDENT JIMMY CARTER

My fellow Americans.

As you have probably heard, I have fallen victim to a vicious campaign of scurrilous hate speech where people have called me a 'bigot' and an 'anti-semite' simply because I left-handedly support the destruction of the Zionist Entity of Israel and the genocide of the Jewish people.

Now we all know that anyone who challenges my assertions and interpretations of history are nothing more than a bunch of war-mongering, blood-guzzling, pack of chickenhawk mass-murdering madman, but I won't lower myself to their sort of hate-speech.

What I am aiming to do at this blog is to present the real cause for all the troubles in the Middle East.

It all boils down to self-esteem.

You see our Islamic Brethren have oil, which is both cheap to produce and also wickedly expensive to buy. Yet their countries are all poorly run, corrupt basket cases, with high unemployment, rampant poverty, where people are regularly and savagely brutalized by their own governments.

And this is all caused by low self-esteem.

And what is the cause of this low self-esteem?

Jews.

You see a small number of Jews in a tiny little corner of the Middle East have carved out a nation that not only has a functioning democracy, but also a thriving economy, and they don't have the instantaneous wealth brought by oil.

Can't you see how this makes our Muslim brothers feel?

No matter what, lives in the Middle East have been getting progressively worse for the past five or six centuries, and the presence of non-Muslims being successful with a hell of lot less than what they have, is just too much for their pride to bear.

Now you could offer advice that maybe they should dump their dictators and replace them with systems that are more democratic and less oppressive and that would help make them as successful as the Israelis, but that would be RACIST NEOCON TALK.

And you don't wanna be a racist Neocon, do you?

The best hope we have for peace is to let our Islamic Brothers push the Jews into the sea, then they might stop being mad at us for being so rich and successful.

It could work.

12/13/2006

I Don't Know Nuthin About Denying No Holocaust...

Now I figure that you've all heard about Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's little Festival of Holocaust Denial that going on in Iran right now.

Right now he's playing host to ex-KKK Grand Rectumus David Duke and to a clutch of ultra-Orthodox Jews who are against Israel and everything it stands for.

I don't know the name of the group, I just call them Jews Against Jews.

They've all gathered to revel in the denial of the historic fact of the Nazi-perpetrated holocaust of Europe's Jews.




But have you heard of Shiraz Dossa?

Not many have. He's an obscure professor of Political Science at the once respectable St. Francis Xavier University in Nova Scotia, Canada. There he has a reputation for ignoring the prepared text and ranting for hours about the evils of the Bush Administration, America, and the Jewish people.

He's attending this little Anti-Semitic Social, the Anti-Hebrew Hatefest, the Jew-bashing Jamboree, to give it his pseudo academic blessing.


I would my readers, all five of them, to contact St. Francis Xavier University, St. FX for short, and ask them why they are employing such a rabid anti-western, anti-Semitic, anti-history person on their faculty.

St. Francis Xavier University
P.O. Box 5000
Antigonish, NS
B2G 2W5

Or visit their website.

Now I must insist that you be on your best behaviour. We don't want another moonbat claiming pseudo martyrdom at the hands of 'rude right-wingers'.
  • Use reasonable arguments.
  • No threats.
  • No foul language.
Leave that for the moonbat trolls from Kos and DU.

Shiraz Dossa
Another Argument for the Elimination of Tenure

Dixie Chix Uncut, Uncensored, Uncouth...

Hat tip to Hot Air for this little ditty...

12/07/2006

The View From The Balcony

1 on 2 with
JAMES BAKER & LEE HAMILTON
Heads of the Iraq Study Group

VOX- Thanks for coming I know you're busy and are doing a lot of interviews lately.

BAKER- I know. We're getting more coverage than Britney Spears.

HAMILTON- I sure hope so, no one wants to see up your skirt. HO-HO!


VOX- Now your report is turning out to be quite controversial. In fact the New York Post ran a cover story calling you the "Surrender Monkeys." What do you think about the controversy?

BAKER- I don't really see what all the fuss is about.

HAMILTON- All we did was urge that America give up trying to spread democracy in order to secure it's own future.

BAKER- You see, democracy is inherently unstable, that's why I spent my career in diplomacy promoting stability. Which is what the Bush Administration should be doing.

VOX- But those policies of 'stability first' led to the rise of Saddam Hussein, the Taliban and the 9/11 attacks.

BAKER- Sure, they didn't work in the past, but they might just work today.

HAMILTON- You never know unless you try.

VOX- But trying could cost millions of lives.

BAKER- True, but most of them will be foreigners, so it's really not a problem to me.

HAMILTON- Tell them about your plan, Jimmy.

VOX- What is your plan?

BAKER- First we pull out of Iraq. Showing the world that America is strong enough to know when it's beaten, then we make peace by involving Syria and Iran.

VOX- Iran's already responded. Ahmadinejad said that America should convert to Islam or die.

BAKER- You see, he's given us an opening offer. This looks promising.

VOX- That doesn't look promising, it looks like a threat!

HAMILTON- A threat's a kind of offer.

VOX- An offer of death. How can we negotiate with someone who dreams of nuking Israel?

BAKER- That's the clever part of my plan. We let them kill all the Jews and then they'll be nice to us.

VOX- Are you high?

BAKER- Excuse me?

VOX- Let's get back to the report. Who exactly did you talk to while you were putting this report together?

BAKER- Only the most reliable people. Clinton era appointees to the State Department, Generals that Rumsfeld retired before the war, journalists from the Associated Press, and figures in the media.

HAMILTON- All of them painted a picture of an unwinnable quagmire.

VOX- Did you talk to any soldiers on the field?

BAKER- What could a common soldier tell us that a bunch of political flacks and media hacks couldn't?

HAMILTON- Yeah, it's not like the folks we talked to had some sort of agenda.

VOX- Why don't you explain why Iraq is an unwinnable quagmire?

BAKER- There's more violence.

HAMILTON- We've been there longer than in WW2!

VOX- Okay, interesting points. Let's see, America did skip the first couple of YEARS of WW2, and while there is an escalation in violence, it appears to be occuring almost exclusively in a rapidly shrinking area of the country, namely 30 miles around Baghdad. How can that be an unwinnable quagmire?

BAKER- It just is! Appeasement of our enemies is the only true path to peace. Didn't Winston Churchill say that appeasers were the only ones that could feed the hungry crocodile of war?

VOX- Actually, he said that an appeaser was someone who fed a crocodile on the vain hope that he would get eaten last. So you're willing to sacrifice the people fighting to make Iraq a functioning democracy, our ally Israel, and America's credibility for some brief respite before Iran finally gets the bomb and nukes us all into Mahdi-Land?

BAKER- Pretty much.

HAMILTON- It's a sound policy. The Democrats love it.

BAKER- And I guarantee that America will definitely be eaten after the Jews.

VOX- I think I've heard enough. Good night.

12/06/2006

It's Like, You Know...

A SPECIAL GUEST COMMENTARY BY GWYNETH PALTROW

Hello There. Now I know a lot of folks are mad at me right now because of some comments I made to the press in Europe about how I hate America, and how the English are smarter and classier than them.

Now allow
me to explain myself.

What I really meant to say is that the British are, like you know, more
intelligent, better mannered, and nicer than Americans.

Like the British people in these pictures.

They seem nice.

Americans are all a bunch of money obsessed, racist, ignorant dummies who spend, like you know, all their time making up wars for no reason other than they're naturally bloodthirsty.

Michael Moore agrees with me on that. He even took a second to stop staring at my ass to call me smart.

Because, like you know, British people are just so, like, cool. They would have elected Al Gore president, and they signed Kyoto. Sure, none of the countries that sign Kyoto ever did anything about it, but it's like the thought that counts.

Sure violent crime in Great Britain is skyrocketing while America's crime rate is dropping, and you're more likely to get beaten and raped in an average British pub than on the meanest streets of New York, but they, like you know, got nice parks and, like you know, the cabs are really easy to get baby-carriages into.

That more than makes up for it.

Now those fascist bloggers who are criticizing me are writing me off as some sort of Hollywood ditz who doesn't know or understand America. That is so wrong.

I grew up in Hollywood, went to expensive prep schools, and then back to Hollywood.

If that doesn't show you the true face of America, I don't know what possibly could.

So you folks should, like you know, leave me alone. All I did was call you a bunch of classless idiots and weird for loving a country that would allow someone like me to become rich and famous mostly because of my fashionably emaciated looks.

You're, like you know, touchy.

Not like the British.




Because they're, like you know, smarter.





They'd understand me.

12/05/2006

SOMETIMES LIFE SUCKS SHIITE!

A TRANSLATED EXCERPT FROM THE PERSONAL BLOG OF MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD, PRESIDENT OF IRAN

CATEGORY: Rant
MOOD: Cranky >:(
MUSIC: Fergalicious -Fergie.

____________________________________________

Sometimes I think Allah has one sick freaking sense of humour. Just when I think everything is going my way and the world is getting Ahmadinejadized, getting ready for the horror, death, and destruction that will bring back the Mahdi, something like this turns up.

Those whiny little beotchess in Iran's parliament have voted to shorten my term by almost a year.

RAT BASTARDS!

Why the hell are they even voting about anything in the first place? Iran's an Islamic Republic, voting is not supposed to actually mean anything!

I know whose behind it. Those punks in parliament are all Rafsanjani's little catamites, he put them up to it. All because I had his cat, Mr. Snuggles, beheaded for looking at me funny.

And now I'm in dutch with my bosses over seeing some unveilled female dancers in Qatar at the opening ceremony of the Asian Games.

What did they expect me to do, get all rude and storm out.

No way. I've got a little class. I politely sat through the show, and when it was over, I ordered the dancers and their families slaughtered like the dirty whore-goats they are.

Is there no place for a gentleman in today's Iran?

Looks like I gotta step up my nuke program if I'm going to get the river's of blood the voices in my head are demanding. I'm pretty sure the voices belong to Allah, who else could it be?

Toodles.

Some comments about those Imams...

My personal theory is that they staged the whole thing to get themselves tossed off the plane, thus sparking lawsuits, protests, and civil rights complaints in order to weaken airline security, and pave the way for another 9/11.

The whole thing just reeks of a set-up.

But that's just me.

I'm paranoid.

Here are some other opinions...

DENNIS MILLER:




SOUT-AL-KUFFAR:



What do you think?

11/30/2006

EVERYTHING'S COMING UP MAHMOUD!

A TRANSLATED EXCERPT FROM
MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD'S PERSONAL BLOG.

MAHMOUD'S MAD-LIBS!


CATEGORY: Happy Talk
MOOD: Happy :D

MUSIC: Karma Chameleon -Culture Club

-----------------------------------------------
Howdy homies...

Let me just say that everything's coming up Mahmoud!

Yep, that's right. Things are really going my way lately. I got those American infidel swine dog monkey fornicators backing off now that the Democrats are back in power in the House and Senate doing everything they can to make sure America does nothing.

I got everybody in the region and their sister coming
down to my crib to give me the royal ass-kissing. I got big name politicos in the Infidel West talking about making me, of all people, a "partner in peace" in Iraq. I got the American MSM printing whatever Hezbollah, Al Qaida and the Mahdi Army wants them to because it fits their anti-Republican agenda, and I'm getting closer to my dream of atomic genocide every day.

If I believed in Christmas, instead of wanting to kill all who celebrate it, I'd have thought Santa had put me on top of his "Nice" list by some terrible mistake.


Right now the only fly in my falafel is that pesky little snow-covered turd of a country Canada. They actually have the unmitigated brass cojones to put forward a motion in the United Nations condeming IRAN for our human rights record.

What is Canada's major malfunction?

All we do is imprison, torture, and/or execute homosexuals, rape victims, human rights activists, feminists, journalists, and anyone who happens to look at us cock-eyed.

What's wrong with that?

Damn, I'm starting to believe those Canadians think the UN exists for some purpose other than condeming Israel and having their peacekeepers pimp children.

Oh well, can't let that little pissant country ruin what's looking like a glorious time for me and my pal, the coming Mahdi. I'll just have our parliament accuse Canada of spying, execute some dork for being ugly without a permit, have my pals in the UN kill the resolution, and laugh while my new Russian missiles get new nuclear warheads.

Happy days indeed.

Peace OUT!

11/27/2006

It's Getting Drafty In The House...

A PAID POLITICAL
ANNOUNCEMENT BY

REP. CHARLES RANGEL (D-NY)


My fellow Americans, we are at a crossroads. There is a grievous threat to the plans of my fellow Democrats to de-fund the war in Iraq, pull out our troops and pave the way for mass slaughter and rampant Islamism in the oil rich Persian Gulf.


That threat is good troop morale.

Despite all the efforts of congressional Democrats and our friends in the mainstream media to portray them as bloodthirsty psychopathic killers, inbred illiterate incompetents, or pathetic losers, and their mission as part of a grand conspiracy for Halliburton and Israel, surveys show that a majority still believes in their mission and in their role as volunteer members of the United States Military.

We cannot allow such positive feeling to exist in the military of the United States while we are in a state of war. If it keeps up we might actually win the damn thing and that would get the Republicans re-elected.

That's why I'm proposing the reinstatement of the draft.

If the members of the military are too busy feeling good about themselves and their mission then we have no choice than to flood their ranks with people that the military doesn't want who also don't want to be there.

Only through the destruction of the military's spirit can we finally end this war through American surrender and radical Islamist victory.

And that high spirit is evidence of why we need a draft in the first place. An all volunteer military must be comprised of essentially the semi-retarded scum of the Earth.

I mean who else would join the US military during wartime?

Patriots?

Believers in democracy and freedom?

People who actually like being in the military?

Puh-leeze.

Who could possibly support a democratic system that allows a shameless attention whore, self-hating American, and political opportunist like me a position of importance in the Congress.

It has to be the blood money the military's paying these inbred hillbillies who are too dumb to ask if you 'want fries with that' to sign up.

Now any draft system would naturally leave wide openings for the children of the rich and politically connected to get out, but that's essential, upscale draft-dodgers are the Democratic Party's base, and we can't afford to lose them.

Now I'm sure a lot of you blood-sucking Republican types would drag out all kinds of studies and stats that show that the enlistment goals are being met and that the average member of the military is neither poor, nor uneducated and that servicemen and women tend to be more intelligent, educated, and prosperous than their civilian counterparts, and I have one answer to that.

SO WHAT?

This is a Democratic Party program we're talking about, it's supposed to be unwanted, unneccessary, expensive, corrupt to the core, and serve only one purpose, the destruction of military morale and the defeat of the United States and any political party lame enough to defend it.

And I'll leave you with these words of wisdom I recently gave on television.


11/25/2006

The Poplar Report: All the news THE MAN doesn't want you to hear.

Buddhist monk in Thailand neuters himself over a spontaneous... well, visit from Mr. Happy. Sad, psychotic, but true.

Prisoner on weekend release arrested for burgling the warden's house. He will now be moved to the cellblock for the really stupid prisoners.

All hail the Mighty & Merciful Ikea and its holy symbol of that little wrench thingy.

PETA should now be called PETPA, People for the Ethical Treatment of PHONY Animals.

Finally, a cause worth brawling over.

11/24/2006

Patterico: LA Times=Al Qaida Mouthpiece?

Patterico has a must read post about the LA Times and their use of 'stringers' to handle the bulk of reporting out of Iraq and how those stringers mysteriously repeat Islamist Terrorist propaganda.

Can we trust anything the MSM is saying about Iraq these days?

11/22/2006

Oh those Whacky Protesters...

The lovely and delicately scented folks at IMAO posted a picture of 'Peace Mom' Cindy Sheehan and Code Pink's Medea 'Money for Terrorists' Benjamin in support of North Korea's Kim Jong-Il. On it they mispelled the very simple word BASE as BSAE.

Not wanting some prime comic ground to go unfarmed a blank version of that sign was posted and folks could put in their own messages.

I made these. Enjoy.

11/17/2006

If I Did It? Maybe?

A GUEST COMMENTARY BY
OJ "The Juice" SIMPSON


Hi.

It's been a long time, but I'm back with a new book and a freaking TV special about how I murdered might have my ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and that poor innocent bystander Ron Goldman.

Now I'm sure you've got a lot of questions. Things like:

Did You Kill Them?

Why Did You Kill Them?

And this classic chestnut:

What is your major malfunction, numbnuts?

Well don't expect any real answers about the double homicide. I had my ghostwriters put everything in a nice hypothetical style, so if you're expecting a real confession, forget it.

And as to my major malfunction?

Well, I'm a raving narcissist.

I crave attention so badly, I would endanger the mental health of my own children by going on television and print to discuss how I killed might have killed their mother. I mean I was once a celebrity, now I'm a bad punchline. I gotta get back on at least the 'B' list.

I'm also trying to get on the next season of 'Dancing With The Stars.' However, the producers of that show are having a hard time getting me a partner.

So buy my book and watch my TV special, or I'll kill you!

I mean, I might have killed you.

Toodles.

11/10/2006

I Gotcha Runnin' Now Ya Biatches!

A Special Guest Commentary
by
Abu Hamza al-Muhajir
(Commander of Al-Qaida in Iraq)



Yo there imperialist infidel swine-dogs! It's me Abu Hamz al-Mujahir, AKA Abu Ayyub al-Masri, AKA the Old Dirty Jihadi, AKA the Future Sultan of Iraq. Just droppin' my to give a big shout-out to those cats in the Democratic Party. Good to see you do so well in that there infidel election thing of yours.

And I'm wishing you Democratic cats all the best of luck doing everything you can to completely cripple your "lame duck" president and destroy the war effort. Khamenei in Iran's doing it, so why can't I daddy-o?

However, I do have one question.

When the soonest you can get the ball rolling in destroying the war effort and Iraq's fledgeling democracy?

You see, we can't wait much longer for you to impose insane withdrawal timetables, paralyze your country's government with budget battles and pointless impeachment investigations over how many times Bush farted the day he ordered Saddam to be overthrown, and block every Bush nominee, regardless of qualifications, because we're getting our asses kicked.

No, I'm being serious here. For every one of your boys that gets killed in Iraq, I'm like losing 10. That ain't healthy. I know you believe that Bush is making more terrorists, but if you look at the short bus rejects we're forced to take as Jihadi recruits, you'd think differently.

And if though it sticks in my craw to ask for help from a woman too whore-like to wear a burqa I really need your Queen Pelosi to put the proverbial pedal to the metal and get this war lost.

Because if you Democrats don't lose the war, we will.

And you Democrats can't allow that.

Can you?

Anyway, death to America, death to the infidels, you'll all perish in a river of blood, yadda-yadda-yadda, I gotta run.

Literally.


Smell you later, dudes.

11/06/2006

1 on 1 with Seymour Hersh

VOX POPLAR- Welcome, today I go one on one with journalist, raconteur, and rabble-rouser Seymour Hersh about recent comments he made about the US military in Iraq at a speech at McGill University in Montreal, Canada. For some reason he's refused to go into my patented Vox Poplar Tube of Truth, so we're just gonna talk. Welcome Seymour Hersh.

SEYMOUR HERSH- It's good to be here in Canada and away from the Fascist State of Amerikkka.

VOX POPLAR- Really? I didn't know it was that bad in America.

SEYMOUR HERSH- I'm the only one with the guts to tell the truth. As I speak entire cities are burning to the ground, American soldiers are rounding up African-Americans and sending them to vote-denying death camps while Dick Cheney drinks the blood of infants and George W. Bush and his coven of neo-con theocrats build altars to their bloodsucking god out of their bones! I know I've seen the video!

VOX POPLAR- If all this is happening, why are you the only one talking about it?

SEYMOUR HERSH- Because the Republicans secretly control the mainstream media!

VOX POPLAR- The same mainstream media that constantly puts anti-Republican, and anti-American spins on their news coverage while exposing vital national security secrets?

SEYMOUR HERSH- That's just a clever ruse, cleverly designed by that clever Beelzebub of American politics the clever Karl Rove.

VOX POPLAR- Oh, really?

SEYMOUR HERSH- Why do I detect a note of doubt in your voice?

VOX POPLAR- It's not really a note, more like a symphony.

SEYMOUR HERSH- I've seen video of America's military in action! I've seen them gun down entire cities full of people, and then feast upon their flesh in an orgy of cannibalism and necrophilia. There is no insurgency in Iraq, because all the Iraqis are dead. Right now they're smuggling innocent civilians from all over the Muslim world in order to kill them for sport, and sell their organs to Israel on the black market.

VOX POPLAR- Please, go on.

SEYMOUR HERSH- Plus, as John Kerry says, America's troops are all brain-washed borderline retards that exist solely for killing as many innocent people as they can... wait a minute... What are you doing with that button?

VOX POPLAR- What button?

SEYMOUR HERSH- The red shiny button on the control panel in your hand.

VOX POPLAR- You mean this button?

(Click-VWOOSH!)

SEYMOUR HERSH- What the hell is this?

VOX POPLAR- That's the Vox Poplar Patented Tube of Truth. While inside you are completely unable to lie.

SEYMOUR HERSH- That's why I refused to do this!

VOX POPLAR- Now let's get to the nitty gritty. You're notorious for making wild allegations of abuse and slaughter in your public appearances, yet you haven't written any articles about these supposed news stories. Why?

SEYMOUR HERSH- That's easy. If I write this crap in an article, I could get my ass sued off for libel. If I make it in a speech, it's just slander, and barring any video of me making the speech, I can always claim that I was misquoted. DAMN IT! I didn't want to say that!

VOX POPLAR- I guess the next logical question is why do you make such statements?

SEYMOUR HERSH- Because I hate America, I hate Israel, I hate myself, and I pretty much hate any society that allows someone as loathsome as me become a success. Plus, I haven't written anything of consequence since the 70s. I'm a raving narcissist who desperately needs attention, and the easiest way to get that is to tell a bunch of left-wing ass-hats what they want to hear.

VOX POPLAR- Where is this video you claim to have seen showing US troops massacring a soccer game?

SEYMOUR HERSH- There is no video. I just pulled the story out of my ass because it's what my audience wants to hear. Besides, they're not going to ask me for the video, because that would prove that I'm nuttier than an elephant's snack bowl, they just let the story slide because it feeds their pre-existing prejudices. These are people who think Ted Rall is funny, their brains are fried beyond simple reason. Oh crap! I didn't want to say that!

VOX POPLAR- Well, I think that's all for today, so until next time, good-day, and good luck.

SEYMOUR HERSH- LET ME OUT OF THIS DAMN TUBE!!

11/05/2006

THE VERDICT IS IN!

Saddam Hussein has been found guilty of crimes against humanity and sentenced to hang.

EVERYBODY SING ALONG!

Dang me
Dang me
They're gonna git a rope and hang me
Hang from the highest tree!
Oh, Allah, Ramsey Clarke couldn't save me!

10/31/2006

10/24/2006

1 on 1 With The BBC

A MOMENT OF TRUTH INTERVIEW EXCLUSIVE

VOX POPLAR- There has been much ado about the recent leakage of a report on a 'bias seminar' at the venerable British Broadcasting Corporation. It seems to confirm the belief of many of the BBC's critics that it's obsession with political correctness has turned it into a mouthpiece for any anti-British, anti-American and anti-Semitic faction out there. Joining me in the steel lined Tube of Truth to discuss this is the BBC's Executive Director for Media Attitudes, Mr. Nigel Incubator-Jones. Welcome to my blog Mr. Jones.

INCUBATOR-JONES- That's Incubator-Jones. We must do these things properly, on the up and up, as they say, pip-pip and all that rot.

VOX POPLAR- Okay Mr. Incubator-Jones. What does the BBC have to say about the recent revelation that it would be considered okay by BBC executives to televise the tossing of a Christian Bible into a dustbin, but not a Koran?

INCUBATOR-JONES- That's because of the BBC's continuing policy to not offend people.

VOX POPLAR- Wouldn't the tossing of a Bible into a trashcan offend Christians?

INCUBATOR-JONES- Ah, that's a very sticky wicket. You see there's a two point answer to that question. First point: Christians aren't blowing people up, Muslims are blowing people up, and we at the BBC do not like to be blown up. And the second point is that no one at the BBC gives a royal rodent's arse about what Christians think.

VOX POPLAR- That's a rather shocking admittance.

INCUBATOR-JONES- Not all that shocking you see. It's really quite elementary. All Christians are idiots and nothing good has ever come from Christianity.

VOX POPLAR- I can think of one thing that did.

INCUBATOR-JONES- Oh really, what?

VOX POPLAR- The Western Civilization that's prosperous and free enough to allow someone like you, who has the brain of a pea, to hold an important, high paying job at a major public institution.

INCUBATOR-JONES- Western Civilization is the root of all the... um... what's the word?

VOX POPLAR- You can't be thinking of evil?

INCUBATOR-JONES- There's no such thing as evil, just misunderstandings. That's it, Western Civilization's responsible for all the misunderstandings in the world. Like Christianity it's a vile imperialist force for destruction.

VOX POPLAR- Even though it's the only civilization that would allow someone like you to not only exist, but prosper?

INCUBATOR-JONES- Absolutely. We at the BBC believe that it's our sacred duty to bring down all that has made Britain a great nation. We must eliminate national pride, respect for the rule of law, all religions, except Islam, for that will be offensive, and all sense of decorum and social decency.

VOX POPLAR- In other words Britain's will to live.

INCUBATOR-JONES- Exactly. Any culture that allows complete arse-heads like me run a national public broadcaster needs to brought down.

VOX POPLAR- What about accusations that the management of the BBC has lost touch with the greater British public?

INCUBATOR-JONES- That's a load of tosh. Why I speak to my butler every day, at least twice, and just the other day I told my new chauffeur directions to my club in Pall Mall. Now who's out of touch.

VOX POPLAR- Okay, let's move on to allegations, apparently confirmed by the leaked documents, that the BBC is anti-American. What do you say to these allegations?

INCUBATOR-JONES- Of course we're anti-American. Americans are rude, foul, dirty creatures who cause nothing but destruction, chaos and death.

VOX POPLAR- Interesting that you bring up the word 'rude' because a recent survey put New York, once considered the rudest city in America, something like 18 or 20 places above London on a scale of good manners.

INCUBATOR-JONES- Good manners are over-rated. Besides America insists on defending itself and trying to spread that thing called democracy wherever it goes. Plus those bloody Colonials are big friends of Israel.

VOX POPLAR- What's wrong with that?

INCUBATOR-JONES- Between you, me and the lamp, Israel is crawling with Jews. That's simple not cricket.

VOX POPLAR- What's wrong with the Jews?

INCUBATOR-JONES- Everything. They have the unmitigated gall to desire their country where they expect to live in peace, and then they have the poor manners to defend themselves when they're attacked. That's simply not snooker, it's not even billiards!

VOX POPLAR- I'm starting to think that you're insane.

INCUBATOR-JONES- I would have to agree with you on that. I am most likely stark raving mad. I mean the whole attitude at the BBC is one of cultural suicide, especially when faced with the imperialist attitudes of the radical Islamic fundamentalists. But I have a government job, so there's nothing anyone can do to get rid of me.

VOX POPLAR- Well, thanks for a very revealing interview.

INCUBATOR-JONES- My pleasure.

10/22/2006

Aunty Beeb is Anti-British?

That's what a lot of folks have been saying for years. Now it's official after the contents of an 'impartiality summit' of high BBC execs & media figures was leaked. Read about it here.

There's lots of inane revelations, like how it would be okay to toss a Christian Bible into a trashcan, but not a Muslim Koran, and how female Muslim newsreaders should wear veils. All kinds of stuff showing political correctness run amok. Political correctness that endangers the very liberties it needs to exist.

Will the leaking of this report lead to any change at the venerable Beeb?

Probably not.

If there's one thing I've learned about the political left and the politically correct, it's that they are completely unable to learn anything that exists outside their narrow prejudices.

Sad but true.

PS: I'm hoping to book a Moment of Truth interview with a BBC executive, just as soon as I can get one willing to go inside a giant metal tube.

10/17/2006

BRING OUT YOUR DEAD: 1 on 1 with The Lancet

VOX POPLAR- 654,965 people are dead in Iraq. At least they are according to a study recently published by British Medical Journal The Lancet. To discuss this I'm going one on one with The Lancet's assistant editor for politically motivated epidemiology Doctor Hector Proctor. Welcome to my blog Dr. Proctor.

DR. PROCTOR- Nice to be here.

VOX POPLAR- Now is this latest study like the one that came out a couple years ago claiming that US forces killed over a 100,000 Iraqi civilians with the infamous 'give or take 90,000 people' caveat in the footnotes.

DR. PROCTOR- Not in the least. This study was conducted under the strictest scientific guidelines, proving our case beyond a shadow of a doubt.

VOX POPLAR- So this is not like the incident in 1995, where a letter to the editor of The Lancet by Sarah Zaidi and Mary C. Smith-Fawzi claimed over 567,000 Iraqi children died 'as a consequence' of the sanctions imposed on Saddam's government in 1990.

DR. PROCTOR- What are you getting at?

VOX POPLAR- Well from the end of the first Gulf War to the start of the Iraq War, that statistic was cited repeatedly as an excuse to end the sanction regime by the 'pro-peace' crowd. However, they quickly changed their tune when Bush offered to end the sanctions by toppling Saddam.

DR. PROCTOR- Toppling Saddam made it worse, as our study shows. Just under 600,000 people died because of the sanctions, and a further 700,000 died because of the war.

VOX POPLAR- So statistically it would have been better to leave Saddam alone.

DR. PROCTOR- Exactly.

VOX POPLAR- Even though over a million people died when he was left alone?

DR. PROCTOR- That's a questionable statistic derived from massacre reports, Saddam's archives, and counting the dead in mass graves. Hardly a truly scientific method.

VOX POPLAR- Were all these people killed by direct military action by America and it's allies?

DR. PROCTOR- By our studies, only a third of these innocent people were killed by the imperialist US forces and their international lackeys.

VOX POPLAR- What about the other two thirds?

DR. PROCTOR- 24 percent of deaths were cause by other actors, and a further 45 percent by other unknown forces.

VOX POPLAR- That's almost 70% of the dead. That's more than two thirds, that's almost three quarters.

DR. PROCTOR- Yes, but claiming that Americans killed almost a third of the innocent people sounds more ominous than a little over a quarter.

VOX POPLAR- The joy of fractions defining factions. What percentage of the people killed by the allies were terrorists?

DR. PROCTOR- What's a terrorist?

VOX POPLAR- You know, crazy guys, like to set off bombs in mosques and markets, behead aid workers, incite ethnic violence, that sort of thing?

DR. PROCTOR- We don't believe in the existence of terrorists.

VOX POPLAR- Even though they are committing acts of terrorism right in front of you?

DR. PROCTOR- That's a politically loaded term. We prefer to classify such people as 'civilians' since they don't wear the uniform of an army.

VOX POPLAR- So anywhere between zero and one hundred percent of the people killed by direct American action could be violent Jihadi terrorists, and that thousands of lives are saved because they're not acting as 'others' and 'unknowns' and killing real civilians?

DR. PROCTOR- That's not for us to decide.

VOX POPLAR- What's The Lancet's official position on accusations that the study is biased because your editor, Dr. Richard Horton, is prominent in the Stop The War coalition of leftist and Islamist groups?

DR. PROCTOR- We don't believe that a person's desire to see his nation defeated in a war by radical violent Islamists does any harm to his scientific objectivity.

VOX POPLAR- So you stand by your claim that almost 700,000 people have died 'because of the war?'

DR. PROCTOR- We stand by our assertion that 6,549,659 have died because of America's imperialist war of aggression.

VOX POPLAR- Wait a minute. Did you just bump the number up to 6 million?

DR. PROCTOR- Don't be silly.

VOX POPLAR- Okay.

DR. PROCTOR- I meant to say 7 million.

VOX POPLAR- Now you're getting crazy.

DR. PROCTOR- The deaths of 77 million people in Iraq because of America's war of aggression is crazy.

VOX POPLAR- Wait a minute. You just said 77 million, that's almost 4 times the real population of Iraq. Why should we believe anything you say?

DR. PROCTOR- Because I'm a scientist that's against Bush. That's all you need.

VOX POPLAR- This has been very enlightening. And to my readers, it goodbye for now, and see you soon.

10/14/2006

What a difference a party makes.

Gerry Studds, the first openly gay Congressman in American history died today.

I think it should be fair to history to note that he didn't choose to be openly gay. That choice was made for him in 1983 when it was discovered that in 1973 he had a sexual relationship with an underage male page.

Now that scandal has caused some to compare him to Rep. Mark Foley. However those comparisons are unfair.

Foley only sent e-mails and instant messages to a page, who claims to have been 18 at the time they were written, but they didn't engage in any actual sexual activity.

Studds had actual sexual intercourse with an underage page.

Foley was hounded out of Congress, and out of the Republican Party.

Studds, a Democrat, was re-elected and served in Congress till 1997.

Now I'm not saying that Mark foley is being treated unfairly.

In fact Foley deserves to be tossed to the wolves.

However....

Studds deserved to be tossed to the wolves as well.

Both men did wrong.

Both showed a supreme unfitness to serve as lawmakers. Both showed extreme poor judgement in controlling their baser appetites and both violated, if not the letter of the law, the spirit of simple moral decency.

However, Studds was a Democrat. You never ask Democrats to resign over the shame they've brought to their office with their behaviour. That would violate their 'rights' and it would make you a bigot to expect them to act with the same sort of decorum you would expect from everyone else.

If Foley was a Democrat, would there be any of this 'controversy' in the media? Or would they treat it like Harry Reid's shady land deals and give it the barest glance?

What a difference a party makes.