The View From The Balcony

1 on 2 with
Heads of the Iraq Study Group

VOX- Thanks for coming I know you're busy and are doing a lot of interviews lately.

BAKER- I know. We're getting more coverage than Britney Spears.

HAMILTON- I sure hope so, no one wants to see up your skirt. HO-HO!

VOX- Now your report is turning out to be quite controversial. In fact the New York Post ran a cover story calling you the "Surrender Monkeys." What do you think about the controversy?

BAKER- I don't really see what all the fuss is about.

HAMILTON- All we did was urge that America give up trying to spread democracy in order to secure it's own future.

BAKER- You see, democracy is inherently unstable, that's why I spent my career in diplomacy promoting stability. Which is what the Bush Administration should be doing.

VOX- But those policies of 'stability first' led to the rise of Saddam Hussein, the Taliban and the 9/11 attacks.

BAKER- Sure, they didn't work in the past, but they might just work today.

HAMILTON- You never know unless you try.

VOX- But trying could cost millions of lives.

BAKER- True, but most of them will be foreigners, so it's really not a problem to me.

HAMILTON- Tell them about your plan, Jimmy.

VOX- What is your plan?

BAKER- First we pull out of Iraq. Showing the world that America is strong enough to know when it's beaten, then we make peace by involving Syria and Iran.

VOX- Iran's already responded. Ahmadinejad said that America should convert to Islam or die.

BAKER- You see, he's given us an opening offer. This looks promising.

VOX- That doesn't look promising, it looks like a threat!

HAMILTON- A threat's a kind of offer.

VOX- An offer of death. How can we negotiate with someone who dreams of nuking Israel?

BAKER- That's the clever part of my plan. We let them kill all the Jews and then they'll be nice to us.

VOX- Are you high?

BAKER- Excuse me?

VOX- Let's get back to the report. Who exactly did you talk to while you were putting this report together?

BAKER- Only the most reliable people. Clinton era appointees to the State Department, Generals that Rumsfeld retired before the war, journalists from the Associated Press, and figures in the media.

HAMILTON- All of them painted a picture of an unwinnable quagmire.

VOX- Did you talk to any soldiers on the field?

BAKER- What could a common soldier tell us that a bunch of political flacks and media hacks couldn't?

HAMILTON- Yeah, it's not like the folks we talked to had some sort of agenda.

VOX- Why don't you explain why Iraq is an unwinnable quagmire?

BAKER- There's more violence.

HAMILTON- We've been there longer than in WW2!

VOX- Okay, interesting points. Let's see, America did skip the first couple of YEARS of WW2, and while there is an escalation in violence, it appears to be occuring almost exclusively in a rapidly shrinking area of the country, namely 30 miles around Baghdad. How can that be an unwinnable quagmire?

BAKER- It just is! Appeasement of our enemies is the only true path to peace. Didn't Winston Churchill say that appeasers were the only ones that could feed the hungry crocodile of war?

VOX- Actually, he said that an appeaser was someone who fed a crocodile on the vain hope that he would get eaten last. So you're willing to sacrifice the people fighting to make Iraq a functioning democracy, our ally Israel, and America's credibility for some brief respite before Iran finally gets the bomb and nukes us all into Mahdi-Land?

BAKER- Pretty much.

HAMILTON- It's a sound policy. The Democrats love it.

BAKER- And I guarantee that America will definitely be eaten after the Jews.

VOX- I think I've heard enough. Good night.

No comments: