VOX: Kim Jong-Il is known by many names. In his own country he's called the 'Dear Leader,' but just about everywhere else his names imply that he's wackier than Michael Jackson after having some peyote slipped into his 'Jesus Juice.' Kim Jong-Il joins me tonight accompanied by his aide, North Korean Army General Wan Hung-Lo. Good evening gentlemen.

KIM: It's good to be here.

WAN: Yeah, anything to get out of that dump Pyongyang.

Kim gives Wan a dirty look.

WAN: I mean, it's nice to see the squalor you Capitalist pigs live in.

VOX: We aim to please. Now President Kim, you've been accused of making your own people starve, while you live luxury and pursue mad dreams of nuclear domination. What do you think of those accusations?

KIM: First, my people are not starving. We have plenty to eat in the Worker's Paradise of North Korea.

WAN: Yeah, once we got over our queasiness about cannibalism, things improved a lot.

KIM: And secondly, our dreams of developing our own nuclear weapons are not mad. In fact, we have succeeded in becoming a nuclear power.

WAN: Yeah, we got a really big one and we're not afraid to use it.

VOX: You have only one atomic bomb?

WAN: It's a really big one.

KIM: We have more than one bomb. We have enough bombs to reduce all of the enemies of the North Korean people to ashes.

WAN: Yeah, especially if they're within five miles of our missile base at Chee-Kon-Wing.

VOX: Why five miles?

KIM: (whispers to Wan) Will you shut up! (to Vox) I want to assure you and the people of the world that North Korea is ready to strike down any of our enemies, no matter where they are. And that our missile base is not at Chee-Ken-Wing, it's at a secret and impregnable location, known only to me and my closest military...

WAN: I'm sorry I said anything that may have been interpreted as meaning that our one and only missile only has enough fuel to fly five miles. I was in error. I meant to say five kilometres.

KIM: You're not helping!

VOX: This just in, there's been a large explosion at a base outside of Chee-Ken-Wing, North Korea. I'm afraid there's nothing left but a big smoking hole.

KIM: This is frigging great. Now I've got nothing to bargain with.

WAN: Yeah, it's not like you're going to get far on your charm and good looks.

KIM: That's it.


VOX: Did you just shoot him?

KIM: Maybe a little. (starts crying) Oh, god, it's over. All my dreams of global conquest blown to hell because that fat-head couldn't keep his mouth shut.

VOX: If it'll make you feel any better I've got some good news.

KIM: What?

VOX: Frank and Sarah at IMAO are getting married.

KIM: That's lovely, I'll have to get them a present.

WAN: (weakly) You sure can't send them any food or bombs.

KIM: Aren't you dead yet?

WAN: Didn't even penetrate my coat. I guess that's what you get with a gun that was made in North Korea.

Kim starts pummeling Wan with the butt of the pistol.
VOX: Well, I think we can wrap things up for now. Good night everybody.
WAN: Ow, that stings you little bastard!


1 on 1 with the MSM's Mysterious Magical Memo Maker!

VOX: Good evening. Once again, bogus memos have embarrassed the mainstream media. First, it was Dan Rather and the magical Texas Air National Guard papers, now it’s a mysterious ‘talking points’ memo. ABC News claims that it belongs to Congressional Republicans and is about the Schiavo Case in Florida. While those who study the actual documents, point out that it is unsigned, is not on any Republican Party or Congressional stationery, and begins with the phrase: ‘There once was a man from Nantucket.’ ABC News is following CBS’s line and claiming that the documents may be fake, but also accurate, and are also refusing to identify the memo’s source. Well, here at Vox Poplar Is Right About Everything, & Don’t You Forget It, we follow a higher standard of journalistic integrity. Joining me now is the actual source of both the Dan Rather TANG papers, and the ABC News ‘talking points’ memo. His name is Mr. G. Telf and he has a shocking story to tell.

ELF: Actually Mr. Poplar, my name is G.T. Elf. ‘G’ as in ‘Gary T. Elf.’

VOX: And the ‘T?’

ELF: ‘T’ as in ‘The.’ I’m an elf.

VOX: You’re an elf?

ELF: Born and raised an Elf. My whole family are Elves. Except my cousin Bruce, he’s a Fairy. He was adopted. There are folks who want to call us ‘People of Magic’ but we’re reclaiming our name!

VOX: So, you, an Elf, are responsible for both bogus memo scandals?

ELF: That’s my job. Every full moon I leave my home in the magical land of Wazoo and give questionable papers to good little journalists who work really hard keeping up their liberal bias in the face of dwindling audiences and cold hard reality.

VOX: Where is this land of Wazoo?

ELF: I live in the crack of Karl Rove’s ass.

VOX: I knew he was somehow responsible. Remind me to never to visit your home.

ELF: I get that a lot.

VOX: So, how exactly does your work happen?

ELF: When the full moon comes, and the mushrooms bloom I leave my home in Wazoo...

VOX: Karl Rove’s ass.

ELF: Can we move on from that, please. Now, I leave Wazoo, and I head on down to the nearest Kinko’s. There I make a list of all the things the good little journalists want to hear, write it up with a nice font, put it in a pretty package wrapped in ribbon, and slip to them as an anonymous source. Oh, one can’t imagine the joy in their faces when they find their prejudices justified. It warms my little Elf heart.

VOX: But your memos are bogus. Why do you give them fake information?

ELF: I’m magical, and that entails that I follow certain rules. I can only give people what they want, and if what they want doesn’t exist, I have to make it up out of whole cloth.

VOX: What’s in the future for you?

ELF: Next week I have to give Al Franken a ratings report that says that Air America actually has more listeners than a conch shell. It’s my biggest work of fiction since I was chief fact-checker for Fahrenheit 9/11.

VOX: Well, you have a lot of work to do, so I’ll let you get to it.

ELF: Thank you, it was a pleasure to be here.


1 on 1 with Holly Woods

VOX: This past weekend marked the 2nd anniversary of the start of the Iraq War, and naturally there were people out declaring their disgust with war crimes like free elections and the spread of democracy in the Middle East. And though they normally avoid fashionably liberal causes, movie stars and other celebrities have joined on the anti-war/anti-Free Iraq bandwagon. Joining me tonight is actress, model, and barbeque sauce spokeswoman Holly Woods, star of such films as Calling All Quakers, Dude, Where's My Underwear?, Dirty Pantsing, and the classic film Today We Lambada, Tomorrow We Die. Good evening Ms. Woods.
HOLLY: Good evening.
VOX: Today you're here, not to promote your new film A Streetcar Named Revenge, instead you're here as an anti-war activist.
HOLLY: Yes, I represent the group Celebrities Happily United in Making Peace.
VOX: Ah, yes, C.H.U.M.P. What does the group stand for?
HOLLY: We stand for peace, freedom, and equality.
VOX: Do you support the actions of the Bush administration's actions to end the reign of warmongering psychopaths, who suppress free speech and the rights of women and minorities?
HOLLY: Absotively not! Bush is a Republican and all Republicans are evil.
VOX: Where did you hear that?
HOLLY: Cameron Diaz told me.
VOX: Ah, yes, Ms. Diaz is one of the world's deepest political thinkers.
HOLLY: And she is really smart too. I even heard she read a book once.
VOX: Wow. That is impressive.
HOLLY: Like did you know that rape is now legal since George W. Bush got re-elected.
VOX: I must have missed that report on CNN.
HOLLY: You see, that's what happens when you don't listen to the people who know best.
VOX: Hollywood celebrities?
HOLLY: Of course. We celebrities make millions of dollars for looking pretty, being told what to do by directors, and reciting words that other people have written for us. That gives us a deep understanding of the human condition.
VOX: I'm sure it would. Well, if the Republicans are so evil, then can you give me an example of their evilness?
HOLLY: Look at poor Rosario Dawson. She was arrested during the Republican convention for wearing a mask while chanting violent anarchist slogans during a war with violent terrorists. If that's not a case of oppression, then I don't know what is.
VOX: I think they dropped the charges against her.
HOLLY: You see, that's a victory for free speech. I mean she could have been fined. And I know that would have caused her to put off buying that cute little beachhouse in Malibu.
VOX: Thank god for that. How do you feel about Ron Silver, an actor known for his intelligence, understanding of history and political issues, and liberal credentials, endorsing George W. Bush in the last election?
HOLLY: Karl Rove made him do it, using some sort of evil mind-control device. I know that's a fact, Michael Moore told me at a party at Barbra Streisand's beach-house.
VOX: That makes sense. What's next in line for the activists of C.HU.M.P.?
HOLLY: Well, since the imperialists refused to give up and hand Iraq over to its rightful rulers Abu-Musab Al-Zarqawi and Saddam Hussein, we're going to do a major protest. We're all getting into our SUV and going on a parade from Beverly Hills to the Viper Room. We're calling it 'A Club-Crawl for Peace.'
VOX: That'll show them.
HOLLY: It sure will, Paris Hilton's gonna be our keynote speaker. How can the Republicans top that?


1 on 1 with President Bashar Assad of Syria*

This interview took place in at a booth in the back of a Damascus Starbuck's.

VOX: Welcome President Assad, I'm glad you could talk to me today.

ASSAD: Anything to get out of the office.

VOX: I gues this whole Lebanon business is pretty stressful.

Assad starts hyperventilating.

VOX: Are you okay?

ASSAD: You had to say that word.

VOX: What word?

ASSAD: Lebanon! I mean sweet mother macree on a crutch, my Dad occupied that country for something like 20 years with no problem he couldn't brutally suppress. I have it for just a few years, and the streets are full of protesters demanding freedom and democracy. I have no friends left.

VOX: Didn't you just sign a pact of friendship with Iran?

ASSAD: That's not all it's cracked up to be. All I need are endorsements from Kim Jong Il and Michael Moore and I'll be the queen bee of the international shit-list. (starts crying) I don't want to be dragged out of a hole like Saddam! I've got a swanky lifestyle to protect. Even France is condemning me! Freaking France! They've never met an anti-American dictator they didn't like, the cheese chomping, wine sucking, surrender monkeys!

VOX: Have a tissue.

Assad blows his nose.

VOX: Even your former ally, Druze leader Walid Jumblatt, says you should get out of Lebanon.

ASSAD: If him switching sides ain't a sign that I'm going to be spend what's left of my short sorry-ass life hiding in a cubbyhole than I don't know what is. Say what you want about him, he knows which way the wind is blowing, and it ain't blowing me... so to speak. (sighs wistfully) I could have stayed an opthamologist. I could have just said no to Daddy and I could be running my own Lenscrafters franchise in London. That would have been sweet. Of course Daddy probably would have had me whacked. He could be so stubborn sometimes. Now I'm alone in the world.

VOX: You are not completely without friends in Lebanon. The militant faction Hezbollah held a massive rally to support you.

ASSAD: That was a big help. I saw the pictures, they may have had 500,000 people at that rally, but the pro-democracy folks had between 800,000 to maybe a million people. And I saw the pictures, they had some real babes at those protests. The best Nasrallah could get was a chick who wore a suggestive burqa. I can't compete with that. I have to give up Lebanon, and then I'm screwed. It's straight to the spider hole for me.

VOX: Let's move onto another subject. Did you know that you bear a striking resemblance to the character Odo from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine?

ASSAD: You know King Abdullah of Jordan said the exact same thing to me, and I'm afraid I didn't know what he was talking about. I'm so busy I don't get much chance to watch TV aside from NYPD Blue.

VOX: You know they cancelled that show?

ASSAD: Ah crap, ain't my life just coming up frigging roses!

*interview may not have happened and may have been entirely faked.


1 ON 1 WITH...


This weekend will mark the 2nd anniversary of the US led invasion of Iraq. During those two years we've witnessed the first free Iraqi election, the capture of Saddam Hussein and the steady spread of democracy to other parts of the Arab world with the Cedar Revolution in Lebanon and the coming of multi-party elections in Egypt, and the rise of pro-democratic dissent in Syria.

To honour these momentous events the American Political Left are going on a massive nationwide protest. The protest is to declare the liberation of Iraq a criminal act and to demand that the USA pull out its troops and the country be immediately handed over to Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi.

Joining me tonite is professional protestor Milton W. Moonbat who will tell us the logic and reasoning behind this protest.


VOX: Welcome Mr. Moonbat, may I call you Milton, or Mill?

MOONBAT: Milton is my white male oppressor name. My true Indian name is just Moonbat.

VOX: I didn't know you were an American Indian. In fact I didn't know there were many Native Americans from Greenwich Connecticut.

MOONBAT: Just because I was born to an Anglo-Saxon Episcopalian family doesn't mean that I accept their fascist ways. I have a deep spiritual connection with the Native Americans, even though I've never actually met one.

VOX: Oh, you're a member of the Ward Churchill Tribe. That makes perfect sense. Now let's get to the subject at hand. You oppose the war that liberated Iraq and has apparently caused a 'domino of democracy' to start in the Middle East. Can you explain your position?

MOONBAT: The war against the peace-loving, kite-flying Iraqi Leader Saddam Hussein was a criminal act built upon the lie of there being WMDs in his possession.

VOX: Isn't that interesting. The New York Times just ran a piece claiming that there actually were WMDs in Iraq, and that somehow it's Bush's fault that Saddam hid them or sold them before his government was toppled. So I guess you have the wrong information.

MOONBAT: Maybe he did have a WMD program, but that still doesn't justify the invasion! No blood for oil! No blood for oil!

VOX: What should have been done. Would you have preferred it if he nuked Tel Aviv?

MOONBAT: Bombs are wrong, unless they're strapped to the mentally handicapped kid and sent into a crowd of civilians in the name of resistance against American Oppression! Fight the power!

VOX: Then what should have been done?

MOONBAT: The UN should have handled it.

VOX: The same UN whose minions profitted hugely from the Oil for Food Scam, the same UN that's currently facing accusations of mass rape by its peacekeepers, the same UN that is currently doing nothing to end the slaughter in Darfur.

MOONBAT: Did Karl Rove send you!?! You see that's the kind of racist thinking that makes the USA the rotting cesspool of evil that is today. We should more like France.

VOX: You mean double the unemployment, quadruple the taxes, prop up dictators for our own profit, invade small African countries for their resources, obstruct anything concrete in the UN, blame Israel for everything, and keep our Muslim population isolated in crumbling and crime ridden ghettos?

MOONBAT: Gannon's real name is Guckert and he's a homosexual!

VOX: What does he have to do with Iraq?

MOONBAT: You really are Karl Rove, aren't you! Let this be a warning to all you crypto-fascist pigs! We're hitting the streets and we're going to bring down this evil government!

VOX: Are you planning an armed uprising?

MOONBAT: No, guns scare me. Instead, the Wymyn's Anti-War Brigade is going to have a mass panty flash at Central Park. That'll show them.

VOX: I'm sure it will.

MOONBAT: All hail Michael Moore!



Yes indeed loyal readers, and I mean both of you, I have scored an exclusive interview with journalist/communist/ and voice of the down trodden Giuliana Sgrena to discuss her brushes with death, both at the hands of her kidnappers, and then later at the hands of American troops.
VOX: It's good to have you here Ms. Sgrena.
SGRENA: It's good to be here Senor Poplar.
VOX: Call me Vox, just don't call me late for dinner.
VOX: Nothing, let's get started with the interview.  Now you've stated several different versions of your encounter with the American soldiers.  Could you now give us your definitive version of events as you witnessed them.  I'm sure CNN would love to get some new quotes they can present as facts.
SGRENA:  Our car was crawling along the road to the Baghdad airport.  We weren't going more than five or six miles an hour.  Little children and cripples were outrunning us.  Then out of nowhere came a brigade of Yankee Imperialist tanks, and three squadrons of Capitolist Pig-Dog Stealth Bombers.  The bombarded our poor car, all the while screaming: "You must die, for only a communist propagandist can expose the truth about Iraq."  You see, I was deliberately targetted by the evil Yankee war machine.  The tanks fired over 50,000 rounds into our car, while the Stealth bombers bombarded us with nuclear weapons.
VOX: That's a fascinating story.  Though I do see one flaw that people might jump on Ms. Sgrena.  The fact is that you are still alive.  How could you have survived such an onslaught?
SGRENA: I didn't.  The Yankee imperialist swine dragged by bullet riddled and irradiated corpse from the car, chopped me into a dozen tiny pieces, tossed those pieces on a bonfire made from the bones of Iraqi children and did a mad dance around the fire while chanting "All hail Halliburton!"
VOX:  So you didn't really survive the attack.
SGRENA:  Yes, the Imperialist Yankee Pig-Dogs made me a martyr for the people's revolution.
VOX:  That's odd, I was originally booked for an interview, not a seance.
SGRENA:  I got better.  I'd say it was a miracle, but there is no god. I did it all by myself. 
VOX:  All right.  Let's move on to your kidnappers.
SGRENA: They are wonderful fighters for freedom against capitalist oppression.
VOX: So you support them?
SGRENA: Anyone who stands against America's plot to make the world democratic deserves to be honoured.  They are great people like Stalin, or Castro.
VOX: So you are in favour of tactics like strapping an bomb to a mentally handicapped teenager and then sending him into a crowd of people waiting to vote?
SGRENA:  I think it's wonderful that they made a place for the mentally handicapped in their glorious revolution.  Besides, what were those people doing trying to exercise their newly won right to vote?  They should be manning the barricades with their fellow Iraqis in the revolution.
VOX: But all the research shows the majority of these 'insurgents' aren't even Iraqis, but hardcore Wahabis from Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Jordan, Syria and other countries.
SGRENA:  They are only fighting in Iraq because the Iraqi people don't know what's good for them.  The Iraqi people must realize that they are too...what's that word... brown... too brown for democracy.  They need a vanguard of people who will install the dictatorship of the proletariat to make Iraq the communist paradise it's destined to be once they get the evil Americans out. 
VOX: What has inspired this view you have of democracy and did you used to hang out with Senator Byrd?
SGRENA:  I went to interview refugees from Fallujah, to teach them about the evil Yankee corporate conspiracy, and what did they do to me, they rejected my arguments with facts!   All the real Iraqis want to talk about is how the yanks built them a new school, or a hospital, or how an American doctor saved their sick child... How rude!
VOX:  I think you're operating under a delusion Ms. Sgrena.  You seem to think that these 'insurgents' are some sort of freedom fighters based on the fact that they are fighting Americans.  By your logic Adolph Hitler was a freedom fighter and not a drooling psychotic dictator, because he fought against America.  Don't you realise that in any country where these 'insurgents' have their way, you'd probably be tortured and then beheaded for the crime of being a woman with a big mouth and nothing real to say.  While the American MSM will probably give you a book and movie deal.
Sgrena puts both hands over her ears.
SGRENA: La-la-la-la... I can't hear you....la-la-la-la-la-la....
VOX: Okay, I think we better call this a night.  I think you need to take your meds.  Goodnight.
SGRENA: La-la-la-la-la....
*Actual interview may not have happened and may have been entirely made up.


It's time for Liberals to ditch the tinfoil hat and reach for the Whig...

It came as a bit of a shock to me last year that my stance as a political centrist has made me a right-winger by default. Which is an odd development considering my stand on gay marriage, and other issues, but it happened nonetheless.
"How?" you may ask.
That's a good question. And to paraphrase Ronald 'The Gipper' Reagan, I didn't leave liberalism, liberalism left me.
As much as I'd like to think of myself as a progressive thinker, what the political left considers progressive has gone from the merely knee-jerk to the positively screwy. Let's take an objective look at many issues and how the left has divorced itself from reality and the American electorate.
  • The Left declares that it's bad to kill a serial murderer or a cop killer, but it's good to kill a 'fetus' just weeks before it's considered a full term infant.
  • The Left declares that freedom of speech is essential to a free society. But if someone says something they don't like, they're the first to start the public burnings.
  • The Left hit the streets to defend and protect a mass murderer like Saddam Hussein, and then has the unmitigated brass balls to declare that their freely elected president is somehow 'worse than Hitler' because he wants other nations to be free.
  • The Left claims to want to protect the rights of women, yet they won't lift a finger to do anything to protect the hundreds of millions of women who are abused and mistreated around the world in the name of 'cultural sensitivity.'
  • The Left claims to be against racism, but then go around telling the world that certain ethnic groups aren't smart enough, civilized enough, or 'white' enough to enjoy the rights and privileges of democracy. That's damned nasty.
  • The Left criticizes the right on social issues, but then refuses to offer their one alternatives. They think that just stating that their enemies are wrong is enough. They've forgotten that you can't be progressive without the word progress, and progress needs ideas, not complaints.
  • The Left claims to be the political vision of the future, yet all they see is gloom and despair, based on a mindset that's firmly rooted in the past. To the Left we're still economically in the 30's, sexually in the 50's, and racially in the 60's. It's time for them to realise that the future is now.
That's why I'm suggesting that American Liberals who haven't completely lost touch with reality quit the sinking ship called the Democratic Party and create something new. A real viable and loyal opposition that can challenge the government with logic and facts instead of outdated stances, empty rhetoric, and in some instances: blatant treason. They need to create a truly loyal opposition.
They can make stand for real alternatives over complaints, for freedom over the coddling of dictators, for true equality over the empty gestures of tokenism, and for a Protestant succession in England....
...looks like that platform could use some updating, but its heart is in the right place.
So heed my call loyal liberals, ditch the moonbats and bring back the Whigs!


I love the smell of cedar in the morning...

...It smells like...freedom!
Too bad Bashar Assad of Syria doesn't share our appreciation. 
Great things are happening in Lebanon, former enemies are uniting, not only against a common enemy, but afor a common dream.  That dream is of a country where its ethnically diverse population can live together in peace, democracy and prosperity.
What inspired this dream?
Could it have been the screaming hordes of so-called 'peace' protesters and suburbanite anarchist who ranted and raved between trips in their SUVs to the closest Starbucks for a soy-latte binge to save the endangered species known in latin as the Dictatorus Kleptomanicus Sadisticus?
Were they inspired by the dedication to truth and democracy shown by the Western MSM, a dedication unseen since the days of Goebbels?
Were they encouraged by pundits and academics who repeatedly told them that they were just not white enough for real freedom?
Could they have been brought to this point by Democratic politicians whose idea of contributing to the war for freedom is having an ex-KKK cross burner compare the people fighting the war to Adolph Hitler, or having their newly crowned chairman declare that he 'hates' the 'evil' people who made their movement possible?
It looks like they were inspired by none other than George W. Bush, and it's killing the left to admit this.  Druze leader and former devout anti-American Walid Jumblatt said it best.  He said that when he saw that America was determined to make a post-Saddam Iraq work as a multi-party-multi-ethnic state, and the courage of the common Iraqi voter, he knew that the 'Arab equivalent of the Berlin Wall had fallen' and that freedom really was on the march.  And he wanted a piece of that freedom for his people, and all the other people of Lebanon.
Now the Lebanonese government has fallen peacefully, and Syrian dissidents are taking this opportunity to move for their own liberty.
I wish them all good luck, and hope they never give up.
Now if only the left will admit that this is a good thing.
To the lovely and fragrant folks at RIGHT THINKING PEOPLE for including me on their blogroll.  It's bumped my TTLB evolutionary status from Lowly Insect to Slimy Mollusc.  I'm moving on up!
MoveOn gets Hawked in this deliciously wicked satire.  Too cool for school.


The Oscars... The Day After...

I admit it. 
Although I'm a huge movie fan, I just couldn't stay up for the entire Oscar ceremony.  I did catch a good chunk of it, and I have to say, I'm ambivalent at best about the whole damn thing.
CHRIS ROCK:  Good comedian, but he was a weak host.  He was hired to make the show 'edgy' and 'hip' but failed.  His sharp jabs at Hollywood were a tad mean spirited for what was supposed be a 'good time had by all.'  His political jokes seemed dated, limp, and only revealed his complete ignorance of the political situation outside of Malibu.  It was like they were tossed in at the last minute when he realized that he was practically at a John Kerry rally.  I could have sworn I heard the whole 'Bush Job Interview' bit before, except involving McDonald's and Burger King, told by another comedian during the election.  The position of Oscar Host requires charm, grace, and a quick wit.  All things Chris Rock lacks when he can't use the word 'motherfucker' like punctuation.
PRESENTATION:  If you can't your face on the cover of People Magazine then you might as well not show up.  If the Academy had its druthers they'd dump everything but the acting categories.  Anyone else in the technical or off-camera fields were either tossed their award in the audience, or herded on stage like like the finalists in the 'Prize Pig Pageant.' You have to give them a prize, but you gotta get them out of the theatre before they start shitting on the stage.
All in all, it was a pretty dismal and mean spirited awards show.
Better luck next year.