1 ON 1 WITH KIM JONG-IL

VOX: Kim Jong-Il is known by many names. In his own country he's called the 'Dear Leader,' but just about everywhere else his names imply that he's wackier than Michael Jackson after having some peyote slipped into his 'Jesus Juice.' Kim Jong-Il joins me tonight accompanied by his aide, North Korean Army General Wan Hung-Lo. Good evening gentlemen.

KIM: It's good to be here.

WAN: Yeah, anything to get out of that dump Pyongyang.

Kim gives Wan a dirty look.

WAN: I mean, it's nice to see the squalor you Capitalist pigs live in.

VOX: We aim to please. Now President Kim, you've been accused of making your own people starve, while you live luxury and pursue mad dreams of nuclear domination. What do you think of those accusations?

KIM: First, my people are not starving. We have plenty to eat in the Worker's Paradise of North Korea.

WAN: Yeah, once we got over our queasiness about cannibalism, things improved a lot.

KIM: And secondly, our dreams of developing our own nuclear weapons are not mad. In fact, we have succeeded in becoming a nuclear power.

WAN: Yeah, we got a really big one and we're not afraid to use it.

VOX: You have only one atomic bomb?

WAN: It's a really big one.

KIM: We have more than one bomb. We have enough bombs to reduce all of the enemies of the North Korean people to ashes.

WAN: Yeah, especially if they're within five miles of our missile base at Chee-Kon-Wing.

VOX: Why five miles?

KIM: (whispers to Wan) Will you shut up! (to Vox) I want to assure you and the people of the world that North Korea is ready to strike down any of our enemies, no matter where they are. And that our missile base is not at Chee-Ken-Wing, it's at a secret and impregnable location, known only to me and my closest military...

WAN: I'm sorry I said anything that may have been interpreted as meaning that our one and only missile only has enough fuel to fly five miles. I was in error. I meant to say five kilometres.

KIM: You're not helping!

VOX: This just in, there's been a large explosion at a base outside of Chee-Ken-Wing, North Korea. I'm afraid there's nothing left but a big smoking hole.

KIM: This is frigging great. Now I've got nothing to bargain with.

WAN: Yeah, it's not like you're going to get far on your charm and good looks.

KIM: That's it.

BANG!

VOX: Did you just shoot him?

KIM: Maybe a little. (starts crying) Oh, god, it's over. All my dreams of global conquest blown to hell because that fat-head couldn't keep his mouth shut.

VOX: If it'll make you feel any better I've got some good news.

KIM: What?

VOX: Frank and Sarah at IMAO are getting married.

KIM: That's lovely, I'll have to get them a present.

WAN: (weakly) You sure can't send them any food or bombs.

KIM: Aren't you dead yet?

WAN: Didn't even penetrate my coat. I guess that's what you get with a gun that was made in North Korea.

Kim starts pummeling Wan with the butt of the pistol.

VOX: Well, I think we can wrap things up for now. Good night everybody.

WAN: Ow, that stings you little bastard!