VOX POPLAR 1 ON 1 WITH GIULIANA SGRENA*

Yes indeed loyal readers, and I mean both of you, I have scored an exclusive interview with journalist/communist/ and voice of the down trodden Giuliana Sgrena to discuss her brushes with death, both at the hands of her kidnappers, and then later at the hands of American troops.

VOX: It's good to have you here Ms. Sgrena.

 

SGRENA: It's good to be here Senor Poplar.

 

VOX: Call me Vox, just don't call me late for dinner.

 

SGRENA: What?

 

VOX: Nothing, let's get started with the interview.  Now you've stated several different versions of your encounter with the American soldiers.  Could you now give us your definitive version of events as you witnessed them.  I'm sure CNN would love to get some new quotes they can present as facts.

 

SGRENA:  Our car was crawling along the road to the Baghdad airport.  We weren't going more than five or six miles an hour.  Little children and cripples were outrunning us.  Then out of nowhere came a brigade of Yankee Imperialist tanks, and three squadrons of Capitolist Pig-Dog Stealth Bombers.  The bombarded our poor car, all the while screaming: "You must die, for only a communist propagandist can expose the truth about Iraq."  You see, I was deliberately targetted by the evil Yankee war machine.  The tanks fired over 50,000 rounds into our car, while the Stealth bombers bombarded us with nuclear weapons.

 

VOX: That's a fascinating story.  Though I do see one flaw that people might jump on Ms. Sgrena.  The fact is that you are still alive.  How could you have survived such an onslaught?

 

SGRENA: I didn't.  The Yankee imperialist swine dragged by bullet riddled and irradiated corpse from the car, chopped me into a dozen tiny pieces, tossed those pieces on a bonfire made from the bones of Iraqi children and did a mad dance around the fire while chanting "All hail Halliburton!"

 

VOX:  So you didn't really survive the attack.

 

SGRENA:  Yes, the Imperialist Yankee Pig-Dogs made me a martyr for the people's revolution.

 

VOX:  That's odd, I was originally booked for an interview, not a seance.

 

SGRENA:  I got better.  I'd say it was a miracle, but there is no god. I did it all by myself. 

 

VOX:  All right.  Let's move on to your kidnappers.

 

SGRENA: They are wonderful fighters for freedom against capitalist oppression.

 

VOX: So you support them?

 

SGRENA: Anyone who stands against America's plot to make the world democratic deserves to be honoured.  They are great people like Stalin, or Castro.

 

VOX: So you are in favour of tactics like strapping an bomb to a mentally handicapped teenager and then sending him into a crowd of people waiting to vote?

 

SGRENA:  I think it's wonderful that they made a place for the mentally handicapped in their glorious revolution.  Besides, what were those people doing trying to exercise their newly won right to vote?  They should be manning the barricades with their fellow Iraqis in the revolution.

 

VOX: But all the research shows the majority of these 'insurgents' aren't even Iraqis, but hardcore Wahabis from Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Jordan, Syria and other countries.

 

SGRENA:  They are only fighting in Iraq because the Iraqi people don't know what's good for them.  The Iraqi people must realize that they are too...what's that word... brown... too brown for democracy.  They need a vanguard of people who will install the dictatorship of the proletariat to make Iraq the communist paradise it's destined to be once they get the evil Americans out. 

 

VOX: What has inspired this view you have of democracy and did you used to hang out with Senator Byrd?

 

SGRENA:  I went to interview refugees from Fallujah, to teach them about the evil Yankee corporate conspiracy, and what did they do to me, they rejected my arguments with facts!   All the real Iraqis want to talk about is how the yanks built them a new school, or a hospital, or how an American doctor saved their sick child... How rude!

 

VOX:  I think you're operating under a delusion Ms. Sgrena.  You seem to think that these 'insurgents' are some sort of freedom fighters based on the fact that they are fighting Americans.  By your logic Adolph Hitler was a freedom fighter and not a drooling psychotic dictator, because he fought against America.  Don't you realise that in any country where these 'insurgents' have their way, you'd probably be tortured and then beheaded for the crime of being a woman with a big mouth and nothing real to say.  While the American MSM will probably give you a book and movie deal.

Sgrena puts both hands over her ears.

SGRENA: La-la-la-la... I can't hear you....la-la-la-la-la-la....

 

VOX: Okay, I think we better call this a night.  I think you need to take your meds.  Goodnight.

 

SGRENA: La-la-la-la-la....

 

*Actual interview may not have happened and may have been entirely made up.