I've been doing a little digging about this whole Scott Thomas/New Republic kerfuffle and I've found an exclusive scoop under the rock of truth.
It's an excerpt of Scott Thomas' upcoming memoir of the Iraq War.
Enjoy the cold stench of the truth....
(New Republic Press)
"Listen up you dog-faced maggots!" barked Sergeant Rock as he came out of his tent which he kept on top of a pile of Iraqi baby skulls. "We've got orders. We're to got the village of Al Kebab and kill everyone in there. Especially the women and children."
"But sir," I said, my voice deep, rugged and manly. "Why do we have to kill the women and children?"
"Because we're American soldiers!" bellowed Sergeant Rock, flecks of rabies-like foam flying off his mouth. "Slaughtering innocent women and children is why we exist and what we do best."
I caught a glance at the orders in his hand.
"Why are our orders written in Hebrew?" I asked, suspicious of a possible Zionist theocratic conspiracy being behind our mission in Iraq.
"Why are you asking all these logical and rational questions about our mission?" demanded Sergeant Rock. "Are you one of those intellectual giants who write for the New Republic, who are greater defenders of American liberty than the crypto-fascist shock-troopers we are?"
"No sir," I said, although I wasn't afraid of the Sarge, New Republic writers never feel fear, I decided to keep my true mission a secret.
"Now move out and go kill us some civilians!" ordered the Sergeant. "Our Israeli masters demand blood. You are ordered to ignore that reference to our Israeli masters!"
The drive to Al Kebab was long, and the road was dusty. So I decided to shoot the breeze with my colleagues. They were the typical Red State breed that represent all personnel in the US Military.
There was Private Cletus Huckleberry, he was raised in the cotton fields of West Virginia. His family of illiterate Appalachian mountain cotton pickers had lost their entire crop to the great Global Warming caused boll weevil scourge of 2005. This left Cletus with no job, no food, no skills, and a case of complete illiteracy. The Army was his only option.
"I ain't reckon on fancy book learnin'" said Cletus, which was his answer to any question that didn't involve the cooking and eating of something called a 'varmint.' I had simply asked him about the weather. I decided to ask him about something else.
"What are your plans for after the army?" I asked.
Cletus shrugged. "I guess I'll go home to Nutter's Crotch West Virginny and marry my cousin."
"Which one?" I asked, knowing he had dozens, all between the age of eleven and fourteen and all named Lurlene.
"Whatever one ain't preggers at the moment with another man's baby," said Cletus. "I hope it's one I ain't molested yet. I like surprises."
"Who cares about weddings!" screamed Corporal Kenny Killum at the top of his lungs. "There's a lot of killing to do! Maybe we can rape some people!"
"It's wrong to rape women," I said trying to be the voice of reason and civilization, like John Edwards.
"Who said anything about women?" asked Corp. Killum. "I'm from Texas! Yee-ha!"
"Stop the truck!" screamed Corporal Ted Token, he had joined the Army to escape the segregated African American slums of the South and be taught reading, writing and basic math. Instead he had been trained to be an ice cold killing machine.
"What's up Corporal Token?" I asked, tightening my flak vest around my broad manly chest, my pectoral muscles rippling in anticipation of combat. "Is it insurgents?"
"No," said Token as the truck screeched to a halt. "There's a woman who has third degree burns. Let's verbally abuse her and give her more emotional scars to go with her physical ones."
I could make out the reflection of my chiseled handsome face reflected in a puddle of Iraqi children's blood. We entered Al Kebab, there were no insurgents, so my unit slaughtered everyone they could find, shooting, stabbing, burning and some pretty vicious pointing at genitals.
"Look at me," said Kenny Killum, dancing and capering wearing a necklace of children's head. "I got me some jewelry!"
I sighed at the rabid inhumanity of my fellow soldiers. Here they were fighting insurgents and trying to promote democracy like the foul cowardly savages they were while the world ignored the real heroes of freedom. People who ran magazines that condemned the US government in wartime, reporters who published top secret war information, and Democratic members of congress who held weekly anti-war votes to undermine this horrible fascist war.
And then there's me.
The greatest hero of all time.
Scott Thomas Beauchamp is the Ernie Pyle of the 21st century.
I thought that since I had my own blog and was just a part time correspondent for the MoxArgon Group I could skip the whole 'meme' thing.
Well, I was wrong.
Remulak used a matter transporter to beam me out of bed in the middle of the night to tell me that I had to do it to.
Here it is.
2. I live in denial about my appearance, and I'm happy with that.
3. I love old spaghetti westerns and Italian horror films.
4. I'm a really good cook.
5. I think Kari Byron from Mythbusters is hot.6. I'm not above using at any excuse to put a picture of an attractive woman in my posts and should do it more often.
7. I enjoy watching poker on TV, but rarely play and never for real money, because I know I suck at it.
8. I have never seen the movie Titanic, and never will.
Are you happy now you fat-cartoon making bastards!
Howdy fellow Earthlings!
It's time for part two of my coverage of Al Gore's Live Earth show at Wembley Stadium in London!
Here's my report!
This time I appeared in a secluded spot in the backstage parking area between the limousine transporting Madonna's hairstylist and the Escalade SUV that transported Madonna's hair-stylist's first assistant. I adjusted my universal press-pass to get me into the backstage and walked casually past the Ford SUV for Madonna's hair-stylist's second assistant, the Range Rover belonging to third hair-stylist's assistant, and the line of SUVs and heavy trucks that transported Madonna's wardrobe and make-up staff.
I sauntered on past the statue honouring the stadium's namesake, Britain's greatest hero Wembley Fraggle and into the backstage area.
I had no sooner walked into the backstage area then I was confronted by all three members of the Beastie Boys.
"Yo dude," said one of them, don't ask me which, because I can't tell them apart, "sign our petition man."
"Free Tibet!" said another one.
"Does this mean that you're going to start criticizing the government of China's environmental policies too?" I asked.
"Just sign the f*cking petition," said yet another Beastie Boy, "it's not like it's going to do anything except make us feel like we matter."
I took a look at the petition, someone had already taken the name "Buck Naked" so I went with my old stage name "Lance Hardthrust." (Don't ask me about where that stage name came from)
"How the hell can I save the Earth if I don't have the right bottled water!" screamed Bono as he hurled a full bottle of Evian at a meek looking assistant. "Take those ten cases of bottled water and rubbish them, they're no good!"
"Yes Mr. Bono," said the cowering assistant.
"That's Master Bono to you!"
"Hey, Bono!" I called out, "can I ask you a few questions?"
"I only talk to major national or international publications," declared Bono.
"My employers cover the Known Universe," I answered.
"That seems big enough," said Bono. "So, do they want to know how great I am?"
"They already know that," I said, "I want to know is what events like Live Earth, Live 8 hope to achieve?"
"We hope to promote awareness," said Bono, "of things like climate change, African poverty, and how wonderful I am for being so great."
"Let's talk about African poverty," I said, "you constantly demand that rich nations send more aid to Africa, even though many African activists oppose raising aid levels because all they do is prop up dysfunctional and corrupt governments. What do you have to say about that?"
"Well it's all very simple," said Bono, "more aid keeps crooked governments in power, causing more suffering, that means I can ride my high horse and make people think all my projects are for charity and spend their money on me. It makes me look really good. They're going to give me the Nobel Peace prize, just like Arafat."
"And exactly how much of the profits from you various projects actually go to help Africans?"
"The exact number is hard to calculate," said Bono, "but a rough estimate would put it somewhere below the steam off my pee."
"Okay," I said, "one last question. Why are you here? I thought U2 wasn't performing."
"Wherever there are cameras and celebrities posturing for charitable causes that don't actually do anything, I'll be there."
"Thanks for the honesty," I said.
"Well you are poking me with some sort of alien mind-control device," added Bono.
"I know," I said, "my employers loaned me some alien technology to blend with my already existing invention to make people tell the truth. Oh, I think I see Genesis. I'll see you later Bono."
"Hey Genesis," I asked, "why are you performing at Live Earth?"
"Live Earth," said Phil Collins, "I thought this was the Princess Di concert!"
"Bugger it," said another member of Genesis whose name I didn't bother to learn. "And I can't get a decent cup of tea."
"Maybe I should talk to the Foo Fighters," I said. "They seem to know where they are."
I tracked down the Foo Fighters at their trailer and sat down for an interview before their set began.
"So," I said to lead Foo Dave Grohl, "how does it feel to still be considered second banana to a guy who made the smart career move to blow his brains out before he became washed up?"
Luckily no one of any value to society was hurt when Dave Grohl tossed me out his trailer window.
"Oh my god!" screamed a roadie, "that
"Who hasn't?" I asked.
"Mmmmph!" said Madonna.
"You see," I said, "she's okay. She even sounds better."
Then I rolled off the aging pop star.
"I tried to speak," said Madonna, "but I was choking on a mouthful of
"Could you answer a few questions for the MoxArgon Group?"
"You're a reporter," said Madonna, brushing the dust off her outfit. "Ask away."
"Why are you doing a concert for someone whose wife tried to censor you as number eight of the so called Filthy 15?"
"Because Tipper Gore's outrage covered up for my lack of talent," said Madonna. "If I didn't have shock value I'd have to rely on my voice and my looks, and neither have been up to snuff in a long time. Is that an alien machined designed to make me tell the truth?"
"Maybe," I said. "What about recent revelations that you're a major stockholder in some major polluters?"
"It's okay," said Madonna, "I gave Al Gore some money, so he blessed my hypocritical profiteering."
"Sounds fair," I said. "I better get going. I've got something important to do."
"Like watching Live Earth?"
"Nope," I answered, "I'm going to watch the grass grow in my backyard. Toodles."
And with a flash I left Wembley stadium, no longer giving a crap about freaking anyone out.
As the MoxArgon Group's token Earthling it was up to me to cover the over-sized Al Gore campaign ad called Live Earth. Thanks to some transporter technology borrowed from my alien employers I was able to attend all the concerts. So don't go nitpicking as to how I could be in different places at the same time, I just explained it.
Here is my report:
The spot just happened to be behind a massive heap of non-recyclable, non-bio-degradable plastic cups, styrofoam food containers, plastic utensils and discarded half-full cans of hairspray, apparently left behind by Sheryl Crow's entourage. The area reeked of discarded tofu, spilled champagne, and I could feel the ozone layer above it starting to thin.
I poked my head up from behind the heap and looked around. The coast was clear, everyone was helping AFI decide which brand of eye-liner was the most enviro-friendly and gave them the most street-cred. I put my 'Universal Press Pass' around my neck and stepped out into the backstage hullaballoo.
"Goddamn it Ernie," screamed a tall skinny roadie to his short, stocky colleague. "Alicia Keys needs more air conditioning!"
"But the grid is already maxed out Bert," replied the roadie Ernie.
"Then tell the power plant to start shoveling more coal anything below freezing will make her hair limp!"
Ernie relayed the commands into his walkie-talkie. In the distance a tall smokestack started spewing thick black clouds.
I sauntered down the hall only to be confronted by an enraged Kanye West.
"George W. Bush does not care about black people!" declared Kanye with a level certainty found only in celebrities and children discussing Santa Claus.
"That's why he keeps hiring them for his cabinet?"
"Exactly!" said Kanye. "He's the reason the levees in New Orleans broke, even though it was a design flaw from the 1960s. He's the reason Nagin left the buses to drown, and it's his refusal to sign Kyoto is what caused Hurricane Katrina."
"Even though Bush's America is the only country to actually reduce carbon emissions," I asked, "while the emissions of most Kyoto signatories went up?"
"What are you doing here with all those facts?" asked Kanye. "My rider specifically demanded a fact free zone!"
"I think it's over by the porta-potty," I said.
"Thanks," said Kanye as he went into the porta-potty. "Goddamn it!" he yelled, "Sheryl Crow used up all the toilet paper! Again!"
I strolled down towards the food service area, might as well see what the rich and famous are eating. The soon to be ex-wife of Larry David: Laurie was lecturing a group of reporters about the importance of maintaining a natural balance.
"So that's why you tore out all that natural desert around your house in Southern California," I asked, "and replaced it with water dependent Kentucky bluegrass? Or is it why you destroyed some rare desert plant life to build a barbecue? Or is that why you drive SUVs to your private jets?"
Trapped in a sudden wave of questions about her actual behaviour the soon to be ex-Mrs. David began to shrink and shrivel.
"I'm melting!" she wailed. "Get me to the nearest botox clinic!"
At that command a bevy of black clad minions swept in, swept her up, and carried her into a Cadillac Escalade. The Escalade's engine roared to life and rocketed out of the area leaving a trail of harsh smelling grey exhaust.
"May I have your attention please," said a droning, almost robotic voice. I turned to see a small dais by the stage entrance, and standing on the dais was Al and Tipper Gore. Their son Al 3 was absent for some reason.
Everyone started gathering before their prophet.
"Only the performers please," said Al Gore. "All you common folks can get back to work."
Al Gore cleared his throat and looked out from his elevated spot onto the cluster of the hopeful innocent eyes of millionaires.
"I would like to thank you young rock and rollers for performing at this event," said Al Gore, "to get out the message of how important I --- I mean Mother Earth truly is. Sure you know nothing of the science of climate change other than what my lap-dogs tell you, but you have the power to compel the common people of the USA to vote for me--- I mean follow the tenets of my plan, which none of us actually follow, and you show great forgiveness in rallying to the cause of a man who has been trying to censor and control you for years. Thank you, now get out there and perform. I gotta lotta carbon credits to unload from this!"
The crowd of rock and rollers cheered.
"Kool-Aid for everyone!" declared Al Gore, earning another cheer.
I decided to not drink the Kool-Aid see what else was happening.
"Controller," I said into my cell-phone/communicator as I ducked behind a parked big rig hauling Bon Jovi's hair gel supply, "beam me to London, Wembley Stadium!"
Crank: Vox Poplar / 1:20 PM
Okay, here's the story.
A prisoner doing time for parole violation in Utah is taken to a medical appointment outside prison. While on the outside he overpowers the guard, takes the guard's gun, and kills the guard.
Now he's looking at 1st Degree Murder.
He goes on the run, but is quickly caught.
Because he looks like...
Way to blend in with the crowd in Utah you moron.
This is a perfect case for the death penalty, he's too dumb to be allowed to live. He thinks killing a guard and going on the run while looking like a rejected circus freak makes himself a grat criminal mastermind.
I have one word for it... idiocy.
I wasn't interested in who'd they cast for the role. I have like cosmically big shoes to fill, so it can't be pulled off by any Hollywood pretty boy. I was leaning toward them casting some brawny fellow for the body, but get Christopher Lee to do the voice.
What did Marvel's movie division and 20th Century Fox do?
They made the character based on me a cloud.
What in the name of the big bang is that all about?
What were they thinking?
That drooling pimple-popping fanboys would fork over their money for a glimpse of Jessica Alba in a spandex bodysuit and not give a royal crap about the rest, that's what they were thinking.
What a pack of bastards.
It shows the exact reason why sequels are under-performing at the box office this year. Producers and filmmakers don't want to deal with characters and stories, all they want are lots of computer generated explosions, chicks in tight outfits, and the occasional shot at the Bush administration. So they take cheap short cuts, like making ME of all the people in the cosmos, a freaking cosmic killer fart.
I'm one of the most powerful villains in the Marvel comics universe. I literally eat planets and shit asteroids. I'm also charming, erudite, and drop dead sexy.
That's not a cloud.
I may not be allowed to eat Earth, but I think I might make a nice light snack out of Hollywood.
Crank: Vox Poplar / 12:16 PM
It looks like the scat has hit the fan. Even though the Department of Justice was kind enough to wait two years so I could get re-elected, they couldn't wait any longer and indicted me for bribery, corruption, and a lot of other things.
Let me tell you that I will not take this lying down. I've got a lot of race cards, and I'm going to play every one like it was poker night at Al Sharpton's house. I'm going to hurl conspiracy theories, cover-ups, and crackpot theories not even Rosie O'Donnell will fall for.
Now it probably won't work with me being as guilty as homemade sin. But I am a Democrat, and so are a lot of federal judges, so even if I'm found guilty, which I probably will be, I'll most likely get off with probation. Because the justice system is not for fighting real corruption like mine. It's for imprisoning Republicans for not remembering about gossiping about something the prosecutor doesn't even think is a crime.
With my conviction inevitable, I will most likely be impeached from Congress. But don't cry for me. I'm already in negotiations to become a TV star.
Producer and Democrat Norman Lear wants me to star in a 'revamping' of The Jeffersons. Sure Lear hasn't actually produced anything on TV in like 20 years, but I'm sure he still has the same grasp on the public imagination that he did in 1975.
So let's all wish me luck and sing along to the new theme song!
Well I'm movin on out, over a bribe.
To a federal penitentiary for hard time.
Movin on out over a bribe.
For taking a big piece of the pie.
Cash don’t freeze in the kitchen;
Evidence won’t burn on the grill.
Took a whole lotta lyin’ just to stay on Capitol Hill.
Now I'm heading to the big house
Gonna lose my pork barrel fat.
But if the judge is a Democrat I'm home free baby
There ain’t nothin wrong with that.
Then I'll be movin on up, to the East Side.
To a deluxe apartment in the sky.
Movin on up to the east side.
And I'll get to keep my piece of the pie.
VOX POPLAR- Hello, and welcome to the premiere edition of Hollywood Roundtable. The blog where the hard hitting issues of the day are discussed by the people who understand them best, Hollywood people. I'm your host, Vox Poplar, blogger and token Earthling correspondent for the MoxArgon Group. Joining me today is actor, activist, comedian, talk-show host, and haiku poet Rosie O'Donnell.
ROSIE O'DONNELL- bush is real terrorist
gulf of Tonkin
VOX POPLAR- Oscar winning actor, activist and friend to dictators the world over Sean Penn.
SEAN PENN- This administration is the most obscenely criminally...um... criminal government the world has ever known.
VOX POPLAR- Oscar winning writer, activist and creator of Walker: Texas Ranger, Paul Haggis.
PAUL HAGGIS- So what if my movies don't make any money gimme another goddamn Oscar!
VOX POPLAR- And last, but not least, writer of When Harry Met Sally, activist, and renowned international terrorism expert Nora Ephron.
NORA EPHRON- Carl Bernstein ran out on me.
VOX POPLAR- Okay, I'm not sure what that has to do with this blog, but let's move onto our first topic. The FBI recently arrested six men for plotting to blow up the fuel lines for JFK Airport potentially killing thousands of innocent New Yorkers. What's the view from Hollywood folks? First up Rosie.
ROSIE O'DONNELL- I question the timing
battle of the alamo
VOX POPLAR- Paul Haggis?
PAUL HAGGIS- Yet another example of how the foul and racist United States of Amerikkka destroys the dreams of poor immigrants simply because they're of the wrong race.
VOX POPLAR- Their dream was to kill thousands of innocent people.
PAUL HAGGIS- Does being a citizen of the most fascist and racist state the world has ever known make you innocent?
VOX POPLAR- Ookay. Sean Penn?
SEAN PENN- The trolls of small minded Christian fascists dance in the soiled underwear of Israeli lobbyists.
VOX POPLAR- Nora Ephron?
NORA EPHRON- I think that only the clear eyes of someone who has grown up in the real heart of America, Beverly Hills, can truly understand that these poor innocent Islamist extremists were framed as part of a vast right wing conspiracy to keep Barack Obama from the White House.
PAUL HAGGIS- See that! Even your President's house is racist! You are all racists! Except for me, because I'm from Ontario.
VOX POPLAR- Let's move onto the next topic. Immigration. Should people who break the law be rewarded with amnesty, and does the USA need to reform its immigration laws to make legal immigration easier?
ROSIE O'DONNELL- bush drinks the blood of babies
the death of
SEAN PENN- The fat cats of halliburton and enron frolic like puppies in the bloodstained panties of the mother country.
PAUL HAGGIS- Everyone in America is racist. Except the people who pay to see my movies and give me Oscars.
NORA EPHRON- Isn't it obvious that this is all a big frame up so innocent foreign types can be rounded up and put in Halliburton built death camps.
VOX POPLAR- Next topic. Folks in Hollywood are getting a bad rap for not supporting the troops fighting in Iraq. What is the real view from Hollywood?
ROSIE O'DONNELL- amerikkkan troops kill
SEAN PENN- American soldiers are the puppets of the great fascist military industrial complex that sniff the soiled and bloody long-johns of corporate America.
PAUL HAGGIS- I don't support the war, but I support the troops. Even though they are all, to a man, a pack of baby killing, war crime committing, rapist psychopaths who think mass slaughter is the only solution to the world's problems. I even made a movie about how bad they are, the movie sucks, but it's gonna get me another Oscar!
VOX POPLAR- Have you actually met any American soldiers?
PAUL HAGGIS- Yes, a real soldier named Jesse MacBeth told me all about their bloodthirsty ways.
VOX POPLAR- That explains a lot. Nora Ephron?
NORA EPHRON- If American soldiers truly represented American ideals, they'd be from Park Avenue in Manhattan, Beverly Hills, or Malibu. They're just the dregs of fly-over country.
VOX POPLAR- Well, I think that wraps this up for now. So until next time, remember to keep watching the Hollywood Stars, because they know better than you.
I was inspired by Remulak MoxArgon's recent speech at a high school graduation and I decided to look for inspiring graduation speeches.
Yet when I started looking I was less than inspired.
Conservative speakers were outnumbered by Leftist speakers a staggering 8 to 1 at America's universities.
And I think the following speech is just a little too far...
Greetings infidel journalism graduates.
I am grateful to be invited to speak to your class, in fact I jump at any excuse to get out of the cave. The air here is remarkably fresh and devoid of pesky bombs.
But I'm not here to talk about the charms of the Tribal Regions. I'm here to offer my advice as an experienced media professional to you young hopeful journalism graduates. Hopefully, you will be able to follow my advice before we restore the global caliphate and slit all of your throats, leaving your blood to flow in rivers.
First. Keep blaming America. Even if America has nothing to do with whatever the hell is happening, blame them anyway. Look at Darfur, there's a genocide going on and the blame can only be placed squarely on Sudan's Islamist government and their Red Chinese co-dependents. Yet the media coverage makes it look like the sole cause is George W. Bush. That's great.
Second. Keep ignoring things that makes the Iraq War look right. Ignore Saddam's human rights abuses, his aggression, and his corruption of the United Nations. Ignore that even Saddam's own generals thought he had WMDs and keep on the 'Bush lied' mantra. And keep on harping about Bush lying about Saddam being involved with 9/11. Sure he didn't order it, but he did give aid, shelter and medical care to those who did. It's up to you future journalists to follow your brothers who are already in the Mainstream Media in keeping that information suppressed.
Third. You must also keep up the good work being done by your media in breaking the spirit of your country by accentuating and exaggerating every negative story associated with your military. Every victory must be presented as a defeat, the death of every American soldier must be hyped as much as the death of Princess Diana, and you must keep up with the accusations of torture and abuse, even though the only sources are people like me. Plus, you must maintain the ongoing suppression of Al Qaida's own torture manual.
So in closing. I'd like to thank the Democratic Party and their friends in American infidel media, and tell them that my buddies in Al Qaida are really counting on your support. It takes a rare kind of person to aid and comfort an enemy in wartime just so they can get some short term political gain.
Thank you all. Death to America!
It's not terrorists.
It's not Kim Jong Il and his nuclear bombs.
And for once, it's not Global Warming. Even though that will destroy you all if you do not bow down and worship me!
It's people who are criticizing my new book The Assault on Reason.
All I can say is:
I am Al Gore.
I possess all knowledge.
I can predict the weather of 50 years in the future with 100% accuracy.
I have a freaking Oscar!
I am a GOD compared to you measly little Republican pukes and you dare to use your propaganda machine at Fox News to smear my mighty name.
So what if I play around with a few facts.
So what if I rewrite history about the Clinton administration, of which I was Vice President, believing in Saddam's WMDs as strongly as the Bush Administration.
So what if I make broad claims, mostly devoid of any actual facts. I'm trying to sell myself to the Kos Kids and Soros-suckers who currently control the Democratic Party so I can swoop in and seize the Presidential nomination from the Ice Queen herself, and after that, the White House.
I've already got people worshiping me as some sort of climate mastering deity, so why shouldn't I have the political power to go with it.
Screw Christianity, the Church of Gaia is the new faith, and Al Gore is its prophet.
So what if all my predictions are wrong, and that Earth is now entering a cooling phase, thus turning all my stances on their ear.
The general public will never know.
I've got the media so far up my butt, Katie Couric can tell you the condition of my colon. They accept everything I say as gospel, which it is, and never question my selective editing of history and science in order to sell books and questionable carbon
All except those fascists at Fox News.
When I am your
So accept my rule.
-how dare that blond bimbo breeder
-imply that i dont support the troops
-simply because i keep claiming that
-they kill innocent civilians
-who was really behind 9/11
-i support the troops
-they r all fascist baby killing scumbags
-had to play the victim card
-to shut her up
-claiming evil people pick on me
-because Im fat lesbian
-instead of loudmouth limo lefty
-who hates the country that made her rich
-those evil right wingers dont pick on ellen degeneres
-just because shes skinny
-& doesnt hate america
-so what if saddam gave al-qaida
-& violated every clause of the cease-fire
-he didn't order 9/11
-dick cheney did
-i know the truth
-fire does not melt steel
-FIRE DOES NOT MELT STEEL
-Im the victim here
-hasselback didnt shut up when i started yelling
-how can i bully her if she fights back
-fighting back is wrong
-especially against me
-terrorist just need hugs
-and amerikkka to sign the kyoto accord
-name hillary our queen
-then peace will come to the world
-i hate this country
-the fact that it allowed someone like me to become rich and famous
-makes me sick
-so dont pick on me
-point out my mistakes
-loony conspiracy theories
-ignorance of world affairs
-or ill say ur picking on me because im a fat lesbian
-elizabeth is the new mccarthy
-evil christian scumbags
-i hate u all
-y dont u luv me?
TIM RUSSERT: Good day and welcome to the debut episode of Bleat The Press, where the thoroughly unbiased members of the media, like my co-hosts unbiased journalist and voice of reason Chris Matthews and reknowned expert on science and politics: Rosie O'Donnel, discuss the issues of the week with our panel of unbiased and downright brilliant political leaders.
ROSIE O'DONNELL: They are so great, I was having fits in the dressing room. Tell the folks at home who we got today Chris Matthews.
CHRIS MATTHEWS: Joining our bipartisan panel today is Speaker of the House and freelance diplomat Nancy Pelosi, Senate Majority Leader and military strategist Harry Reid, and finally a reknowned environmental scientist and statesman, the man who would have prevented America from being the boiling cesspool that it is, if he hadn't had his presidency stolen from him by the Bush-Halliburton conspiracy: President Al Gore. Can I say how great it is for all of you to bless me with your presence.
NANCY PELOSI: It's nothing really.
HARRY REID: It's the least we can do.
AL GORE: It's all part of the greatness that is me.
TIM RUSSERT: I have the first question. What great things would you do if you were President instead of Bush?
NANCY PELOSI: I'd pull out of Iraq and put our support behind real champions of freedom, like Syria and Iran.
HARRY REID: I'd pull the broadcast licenses of all who dare oppose us, like those fascists at Fox News.
AL GORE: I'd make the flowers bloom, the sun shine, and bring peace to the Earth.
ROSIE O'DONNELL: I got the next question. You folks are so nice, why do those Nazis at Fox News want to keep you down?
NANCY PELOSI: Because they're evil.
HARRY REID: They dare to ask us hard questions about John Murtha threatening another representative on the floor of Congress, or Diane Feinstein's appropriations shenanigans, or that we haven't actually accomplished anything since we were elected.
AL GORE: Fox is afraid of me because I speak truth to power. That and they're in the pay of big oil. It's all about big oil.
NANCY PELOSI: It's poor people like Al Gore here are truly suffering because of the Fox News Nazis and their friend on talk radio and the blogs. That's why we want to bring back the fairness doctrine, so we can eliminate such unfettered free speech and leave it to properly unbiased people like you.
HARRY REID: Yeah, those loser Americans waste their time listening to people they like and will not listen to Air America unless we force them by law.
CHRIS MATTHEWS: I have the next question. What do you hate most about America?
NANCY PELOSI: Christians.
HARRY REID: People who dare challenge my authority to declare wars lost and my right to demoralize our troops in the face of the enemy.
AL GORE: Big oil companies that won't pay me millions for the carbon credits that will wash all their sins away. Can't you hear mother earth screaming?
CHRIS MATTHEWS: You people are all so brilliant, I wish we could spend the whole show with you, and Al Gore, I would like to have your babies. But in the spirit of fairness we have to bring in someone to speak for those evil Republicans. So here is a statement by Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul.
RON PAUL: America is a wretched turd on the blanket of human progress. Bush was responsible for 9/11. America is evil and must be destroyed.
ROSIE O'DONNELL: Finally, a Republican not afraid to speak the truth.
RON PAUL: I think I soiled myself. Where am I?
TIM RUSSERT: And now for a heated debate that looks at both sides of the issue is Point-Counterpoint with former President Jimmy Carter and Democratic chairman Howard Dean. Your question today gentlemen is: How bad is George W. Bush?
JIMMY CARTER: George W. Bush is the most vile, evil, and disgusting excuse for a human being that has ever disgraced the White House. When I was president everyone was happy, the economy was strong, the environment was perfect, and there was no such thing as Islamic terrorism. What do you think Howard Dean?
HOWARD DEAN: YEEEEEAAAAAGGGGHH!!!!
JIMMY CARTER: My point exactly. Back to you Tim Russert.
TIM RUSSERT: And that's all the time we have for today. I'd like to thank my guests and my co-hosts and we'll see you next time.
Longtime evangelist, activist and founder of the Moral Majority Jerry Falwell passed away yesterday, and he is mourned by a lot of people.
I am not one of them.
Falwell had the unmitigated balls to call me gay.
Not that there's anything wrong with it, but what the hell was he smoking?
Sure, I'm purple, but that doesn't mean I'm not all man, if you know what I mean. Hell, once the chicks go purple.... well there isn't a word that rhymes with purple, but you get the picture.
Tinky's winky is strictly for the ladies.
Heck, I think I might have fathered half the kids on our show if the paternity suits are anything to go by.
And his other piece of so-called 'evidence' was his claim that I carried a 'purse.' A goddamn purse?
That is a European carry-all. I keep my condoms, extra pants, little black book (which is quite large), and Hai Karate cologne in there if you really must know. I mean sweet zombie Zeus, it's not like I'm one of those la-dee-da metrosexuals like Dipsy, if his hat doesn't make you suspicious, I don't know what will, or a raging skank like Laa-Laa, or a needy emotional cripple like Po, who likes her schnapps a little too much for a professional. What a pack of bastards they are....
But I digress...
Enough about the late Mr. Falwell's misunderstanding of my personal life, let's move onto some of the other things he's said.
Now I'm as right wing as you can get in the entertainment biz. I'm pro-life and I think Rosie O'Donnell is nuttier than a pound of squirrel turds, and that Sean Penn should only speak when someone else is writing his lines, and that if someone goes after you with a knife, you go after him with a gun, he puts one of your men in the hospital you put ten of his in the morgue, that's the Chicago way.
However, Falwell's stands have always made me uncomfortable.
He was always a little too quick to blame God for the actions of men and using it to justify his own desire for political power. I mean come on, 9/11 was not God's punishment on the USA, the most Christian country on Earth, it was a crime committed by a bunch of whack-job camel molesters with sand-for brains worshiping a twisted bastardized facsimile of god with a thirst for blood worse than Dracula on a hunger strike.
Falwell did mobilize America's so-called Religious Right, but while many Americans consider themselves 'conservative Christians,' most can best be described as a 'militant middle' who are decidedly uncomfortable with Falwell and his many inflammatory statements.
I often found his remarks did more to mobilize the elitist political-Left in the media and politics than unite the religious right. I don't think Rosie O'Donnell and her 9/11 Truther-Hate America-Hate Christians ilk would be on the air in the MSM if it weren't for Falwell's publicity mongering giving them a false sense of legitimacy as 'rebels' against his so-called 'fundamentalist oppression' and giving some illusion of credence to their prejudices.
And his campaign against people like me, with absolutely false allegations of homosexuality, not only trivialized his work, but distracted people from the more important things, like preserving freedom in the face of creeping political correctness and rampaging Islamofascism.
I should have sued his ass.
Anyway, let's hope the conservative Christian movement finds new leadership that's more concerned with the welfare of people's souls and the preservation of America's Judeo-Christian based culture of freedom, than their own political power.
Too bad he's leaving Law & Order, because aside from the aesthetic appeal of Milena Govich, he was the only voice of reason in an increasingly unreasonable show.
Here's Fred Thompson's response to Michael "Publicity Whore" Moore's demand for a public debate:
- giuliani was in on 9/11
- had sent the steel to china
- keep people from finding out that fire dont melt steel
- i know the truth
- thats why THE MAN wants to shut me up
- make me leave the view
- i have proof giuliani in on 9/11
- look at how his name is pronounced
- its like the davinci code
- jew for his israeli-zionist masters
- lee for robert e lee who was king of the south during the civil war who invented slavery
- ani which rhymes with Annie a musical featuring DADDY WARBUCKS a professional arms dealer and RETHUGLIKKKAN
- all will become clear when i lose the deadwood from the view
- get my own show
-hillary becomes president & pelosi bans free speech of people who call me crazy
-I AM NOT CRAZY!
- Im just smarter than everyone else
Democratic Governor of Kansas
There are some people, raving fascist types, who are daring to criticize my handling of the tornado that destroyed the town of Greenburg, Kansas where I held back on calling in the National Guard to help people for 2 days while making statements to the press that the Kansas National Guard was undermanned and under-equipped because of the war in Iraq.
Okay, so maybe it wasn't true.
So what that the Kansas National Guard had over 83,000 men, 393 trucks and 352 Humvees available to help a town of 1,500 people.
I had a political point to make.
I'm a Democrat, and there was a natural disaster in my state. It is my sworn duty as a Democrat to use my constitutional power to withhold needed aid and then lie about it to the press by blaming it on the Bush administration and the Iraq War.
And the press bought it, lock, stock, and barrel because it fits the narrative they want to hear and what they want to propagate.
So what if it isn't true.
My only complaint is that newbie Obama got all those fascist blogger types fact-checking by declaring over 10,000 people died in a town of 1,500.
He has to learn that when selling the press lies about the Bush administration you need to follow some simple guidelines:
-Say nothing the Feds do is right.
-Blame Bush for that.
-Say that there are shortages of men and material even when there isn't one.
-Blame the Iraq War for that.
-Blame Bush for the Iraq War.
-Blame Global Warming.
-Blame Bush for Global Warming.
-Keep your bogus 'Body Counts' within the population of the affected area.
-Blame Bush for the high body counts.
-When real death tolls come out, blame Bush for miscount, but keep repeating the incorrect numbers to the press.
-Blame Bush for that too.
Don't call me crazy just yet, hear me out, and be careful if you haven't seen the film yet, here there be spoilers.
The premise of the film is that a virus called Rage has wiped out civilization in England and probably the rest of the world.
The virus was safely contained, but was let out by a group of radical animal rights activists. Sort of like Europe's Political Left's welcoming of radical Salafist and Wahabi groups into their countries to and to dominate their Muslim populations. The Political Left, like the animal rights radicals in the film, claim, and may even believe that they're doing the right thing, but instead, they unleash Rage that leads to violence and death.
The people infected with rage are incapable of maintaining the technologically advanced infrastructure of a modern state, and things begin to rapidly fall apart. Sort of like what's happening to countries already under the sway of Salafist/Wahabi leadership that don't have the benefit of being propped up by petro-dollars and foreign expertise.
In 28 Days Later the survivors are woefully unequipped to deal with the outbreak of Rage or even to defend themselves against those who do have it. It kind of reminds me of the European Union's ongoing plans to disarm the populace and making things like self-defense illegal. Heck the survivors in the film don't even see guns until after they meet some soldiers, forcing them to run in terror or struggle with improvised weapons at the arrival of any of the infected when a simple pistol could save lives. The whole film is really a big fat argument against gun control.
And when they meet the soldiers, led by a Major West, who have all the guns, it does not turn out well. They're sequestered in a fortified mansion waiting for the infected to starve, and luring survivors in order to kill the men and keep the women in order to 'repopulate the country.'
Now some may say that it's a pretty harsh statement against the military, and that's probably what the filmmakers intended, but on an allegorical level it says something a little different.
The soldiers struck me as most like the EU's bureaucrats and politicians. Their duty is to protect and serve the nations of Europe, but instead they spend their time making vague bullsh*t promises of having 'the answer' to the problems of the day while their real intention is to get their rocks off at the expense of personal freedom and everything they claim to stand for.
They also match the EUrocrats by justifying their crimes as being for the 'greater good.'
And what's the final image of the movie? The image of hope for tomorrow needed to wrap up the film's fairly grim story?
It's an American military fighter jet.
Yep, no matter how bad things get, those pesky Yanks, who they love to deride, will come to save them.
You can't get more Neocon than that.