TIM RUSSERT: Good day and welcome to the debut episode of Bleat The Press, where the thoroughly unbiased members of the media, like my co-hosts unbiased journalist and voice of reason Chris Matthews and reknowned expert on science and politics: Rosie O'Donnel, discuss the issues of the week with our panel of unbiased and downright brilliant political leaders.
ROSIE O'DONNELL: They are so great, I was having fits in the dressing room. Tell the folks at home who we got today Chris Matthews.
CHRIS MATTHEWS: Joining our bipartisan panel today is Speaker of the House and freelance diplomat Nancy Pelosi, Senate Majority Leader and military strategist Harry Reid, and finally a reknowned environmental scientist and statesman, the man who would have prevented America from being the boiling cesspool that it is, if he hadn't had his presidency stolen from him by the Bush-Halliburton conspiracy: President Al Gore. Can I say how great it is for all of you to bless me with your presence.
NANCY PELOSI: It's nothing really.
HARRY REID: It's the least we can do.
AL GORE: It's all part of the greatness that is me.
TIM RUSSERT: I have the first question. What great things would you do if you were President instead of Bush?
NANCY PELOSI: I'd pull out of Iraq and put our support behind real champions of freedom, like Syria and Iran.
HARRY REID: I'd pull the broadcast licenses of all who dare oppose us, like those fascists at Fox News.
AL GORE: I'd make the flowers bloom, the sun shine, and bring peace to the Earth.
ROSIE O'DONNELL: I got the next question. You folks are so nice, why do those Nazis at Fox News want to keep you down?
NANCY PELOSI: Because they're evil.
HARRY REID: They dare to ask us hard questions about John Murtha threatening another representative on the floor of Congress, or Diane Feinstein's appropriations shenanigans, or that we haven't actually accomplished anything since we were elected.
AL GORE: Fox is afraid of me because I speak truth to power. That and they're in the pay of big oil. It's all about big oil.
NANCY PELOSI: It's poor people like Al Gore here are truly suffering because of the Fox News Nazis and their friend on talk radio and the blogs. That's why we want to bring back the fairness doctrine, so we can eliminate such unfettered free speech and leave it to properly unbiased people like you.
HARRY REID: Yeah, those loser Americans waste their time listening to people they like and will not listen to Air America unless we force them by law.
CHRIS MATTHEWS: I have the next question. What do you hate most about America?
NANCY PELOSI: Christians.
HARRY REID: People who dare challenge my authority to declare wars lost and my right to demoralize our troops in the face of the enemy.
AL GORE: Big oil companies that won't pay me millions for the carbon credits that will wash all their sins away. Can't you hear mother earth screaming?
CHRIS MATTHEWS: You people are all so brilliant, I wish we could spend the whole show with you, and Al Gore, I would like to have your babies. But in the spirit of fairness we have to bring in someone to speak for those evil Republicans. So here is a statement by Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul.
RON PAUL: America is a wretched turd on the blanket of human progress. Bush was responsible for 9/11. America is evil and must be destroyed.
ROSIE O'DONNELL: Finally, a Republican not afraid to speak the truth.
RON PAUL: I think I soiled myself. Where am I?
TIM RUSSERT: And now for a heated debate that looks at both sides of the issue is Point-Counterpoint with former President Jimmy Carter and Democratic chairman Howard Dean. Your question today gentlemen is: How bad is George W. Bush?
JIMMY CARTER: George W. Bush is the most vile, evil, and disgusting excuse for a human being that has ever disgraced the White House. When I was president everyone was happy, the economy was strong, the environment was perfect, and there was no such thing as Islamic terrorism. What do you think Howard Dean?
HOWARD DEAN: YEEEEEAAAAAGGGGHH!!!!
JIMMY CARTER: My point exactly. Back to you Tim Russert.
TIM RUSSERT: And that's all the time we have for today. I'd like to thank my guests and my co-hosts and we'll see you next time.