The Reports of My Death....


(Grand Poobah of Al Qaida in Iraq)

Hi, y'all.

It's me, Abu Al-Masri, AKA Abu Hamza, AKA the best friend the Democrats have in Iraq.

Now there have been reports going around that I've died, passed on, slipped the surly bonds of Earth, rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. Other reports won't say if I'm alive or dead.

Well let me clear this up.

I don't know.

There was some violence the other day. Angry words were said, folks insulted the mothers of other folks, shots were fired and then someone started slinging the bombs. Now I'm not sure if I'm alive or dead, or what.

I don't think Heaven's supposed to be this hot, but it could just be that Global Warming Al Gore is always jabbering about. Plus, I don't see my 72 virgins, so I'm guessing that I'm probably still alive, but I'm not so sure. I feel kinda funny.

Now the violence that put me in my present confused state was sparked by a little misunderstanding between my posse in Al Qaida and some of the local Sunni homeboys. It seems the locals don't care for all the civilian killing me and my boys are doing. They also don't like the swag I've been scoring from the dude who's turning into Iran's answer to Richard Gere. Something about them being Shi'a paying us to kill Sunni and other Shi'a, blah-blah-blah and all that.

I mean they're being really dim here. I mean we're Al Qaida, what else could anyone expect from us. Our entire purpose is to kill and kill and to keep killing until we rule the world and save it from the obscenity of putting cucumbers next to tomatoes.

They shouldn't be turning on us just because we kill their people. It's all part of the game, and they should be happy for all the free martyrs we're making.

But you just can't please some people.

I bet you think it's easy being me. Well let me tell you buddy, it ain't. I gotta lotta stress with this gig. I gotta keep the bombs and bombers running 24/7 and, depsite what the press say, it's getting harder and harder to recruit people willing to blast themselves into putty for the cause.

And it's not like I can rely on my 'allies' either. Both Syria's Asshat Assad and Iran's Ahmadinejad are hanging by threads as they're people are starting to wonder why they're pissing away all that oil money. Both would gladly sell me and my pals out if it could save their own asses.

I mean, come on, it's turning out that the only people I can trust to watch my back are Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi. They're the only ones who will stand by me, demand America's surrender, and crown me as the Caliph of Iraq.

Of course, they're only doing it to try to win over the Daily Kos/HuffPo crowd, but buggers can't be choosers. Isn't that how the saying goes?

Anyway, I gotta go figure out if I'm alive or dead.

Damn it's hot.

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