Tinky Winky On Jerry Falwell's Passing

A
EULOGY
BY
TINKY
WINKY

(Children's Entertainer)




Longtime evangelist, activist and founder of the Moral Majority Jerry Falwell passed away yesterday, and he is mourned by a lot of people.

I am not one of them.

Falwell had the unmitigated balls to call me gay.

ME GAY?

Not that there's anything wrong with it, but what the hell was he smoking?

Sure, I'm purple, but that doesn't mean I'm not all man, if you know what I mean. Hell, once the chicks go purple.... well there isn't a word that rhymes with purple, but you get the picture.

Tinky's winky is strictly for the ladies.

Heck, I think I might have fathered half the kids on our show if the paternity suits are anything to go by.

And his other piece of so-called 'evidence' was his claim that I carried a 'purse.' A goddamn purse?

That is a European carry-all. I keep my condoms, extra pants, little black book (which is quite large), and Hai Karate cologne in there if you really must know. I mean sweet zombie Zeus, it's not like I'm one of those la-dee-da metrosexuals like Dipsy, if his hat doesn't make you suspicious, I don't know what will, or a raging skank like Laa-Laa, or a needy emotional cripple like Po, who likes her schnapps a little too much for a professional. What a pack of bastards they are....

But I digress...

Enough about the late Mr. Falwell's misunderstanding of my personal life, let's move onto some of the other things he's said.

Now I'm as right wing as you can get in the entertainment biz. I'm pro-life and I think Rosie O'Donnell is nuttier than a pound of squirrel turds, and that Sean Penn should only speak when someone else is writing his lines, and that if someone goes after you with a knife, you go after him with a gun, he puts one of your men in the hospital you put ten of his in the morgue, that's the Chicago way.

However, Falwell's stands have always made me uncomfortable.

He was always a little too quick to blame God for the actions of men and using it to justify his own desire for political power. I mean come on, 9/11 was not God's punishment on the USA, the most Christian country on Earth, it was a crime committed by a bunch of whack-job camel molesters with sand-for brains worshiping a twisted bastardized facsimile of god with a thirst for blood worse than Dracula on a hunger strike.

Falwell did mobilize America's so-called Religious Right, but while many Americans consider themselves 'conservative Christians,' most can best be described as a 'militant middle' who are decidedly uncomfortable with Falwell and his many inflammatory statements.

I often found his remarks did more to mobilize the elitist political-Left in the media and politics than unite the religious right. I don't think Rosie O'Donnell and her 9/11 Truther-Hate America-Hate Christians ilk would be on the air in the MSM if it weren't for Falwell's publicity mongering giving them a false sense of legitimacy as 'rebels' against his so-called 'fundamentalist oppression' and giving some illusion of credence to their prejudices.

And his campaign against people like me, with absolutely false allegations of homosexuality, not only trivialized his work, but distracted people from the more important things, like preserving freedom in the face of creeping political correctness and rampaging Islamofascism.

I should have sued his ass.

Anyway, let's hope the conservative Christian movement finds new leadership that's more concerned with the welfare of people's souls and the preservation of America's Judeo-Christian based culture of freedom, than their own political power.

Bye-bye.