ELF: Actually Mr. Poplar, my name is G.T. Elf. ‘G’ as in ‘Gary T. Elf.’
VOX: And the ‘T?’
ELF: ‘T’ as in ‘The.’ I’m an elf.
VOX: You’re an elf?
ELF: Born and raised an Elf. My whole family are Elves. Except my cousin Bruce, he’s a Fairy. He was adopted. There are folks who want to call us ‘People of Magic’ but we’re reclaiming our name!
VOX: So, you, an Elf, are responsible for both bogus memo scandals?
ELF: That’s my job. Every full moon I leave my home in the magical land of Wazoo and give questionable papers to good little journalists who work really hard keeping up their liberal bias in the face of dwindling audiences and cold hard reality.
VOX: Where is this land of Wazoo?
ELF: I live in the crack of Karl Rove’s ass.
VOX: I knew he was somehow responsible. Remind me to never to visit your home.
ELF: I get that a lot.
VOX: So, how exactly does your work happen?
ELF: When the full moon comes, and the mushrooms bloom I leave my home in Wazoo...
VOX: Karl Rove’s ass.
ELF: Can we move on from that, please. Now, I leave Wazoo, and I head on down to the nearest Kinko’s. There I make a list of all the things the good little journalists want to hear, write it up with a nice font, put it in a pretty package wrapped in ribbon, and slip to them as an anonymous source. Oh, one can’t imagine the joy in their faces when they find their prejudices justified. It warms my little Elf heart.
VOX: But your memos are bogus. Why do you give them fake information?
ELF: I’m magical, and that entails that I follow certain rules. I can only give people what they want, and if what they want doesn’t exist, I have to make it up out of whole cloth.
VOX: What’s in the future for you?
ELF: Next week I have to give Al Franken a ratings report that says that Air America actually has more listeners than a conch shell. It’s my biggest work of fiction since I was chief fact-checker for Fahrenheit 9/11.
VOX: Well, you have a lot of work to do, so I’ll let you get to it.
ELF: Thank you, it was a pleasure to be here.