If I Did It? Maybe?

A GUEST COMMENTARY BY
OJ "The Juice" SIMPSON

Hi.

It's been a long time, but I'm back with a new book and a freaking TV special about how I murdered might have my ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and that poor innocent bystander Ron Goldman.

Now I'm sure you've got a lot of questions. Things like:

Did You Kill Them?

Why Did You Kill Them?

And this classic chestnut:

What is your major malfunction, numbnuts?

Well don't expect any real answers about the double homicide. I had my ghostwriters put everything in a nice hypothetical style, so if you're expecting a real confession, forget it.

And as to my major malfunction?

Well, I'm a raving narcissist.

I crave attention so badly, I would endanger the mental health of my own children by going on television and print to discuss how I killed might have killed their mother. I mean I was once a celebrity, now I'm a bad punchline. I gotta get back on at least the 'B' list.

I'm also trying to get on the next season of 'Dancing With The Stars.' However, the producers of that show are having a hard time getting me a partner.

So buy my book and watch my TV special, or I'll kill you!

I mean, I might have killed you.

Toodles.