Wow, Me Be College Boy Now!

A Special Guest Commentary

by Sayed Rahmatellah Hashemi

Greetings American swine-dogs!

It is me, Sayed Rahmatellah Hashemi the former spokesman for Afghanistan's Taliban Government, and now student at your University of Yale.

I tell you I am much surprised by what my room-mate Squid calls the "buzz-killing" over my getting into your elite institution of higher indoctrination education. Sure, I have a fourth grade education and a high-school equivalency certificate from Uncle Rashid's Discount Madrassa & House of Kabob, and that might not make me qualify academically for Yale, but I bring something that is most special.

I bring life experience.

A lot of the professors in your League of Ivy give me the look up to, because I have done what they have only dreamed of doing. I've worked for a fascist dictatorship. Helped terrorists from all over the world kill Yankee swine dogs and Joos. And I can make mouthy women shut up with a simple flick of the fist, and if that doesn't work, I introduce them to my friends Mr. Gas-can and Mr. Match.

In other words I have lived their dream.

With these League of Ivy types it is all talk, talk, talk. None of them have had the stone cold falafels to strap a bomb vest to a retarded child and send him into a crowded market, booby trap wounded people so they can kill the medical personnel trying to keep them from reaching their 72 virgins, behead a schoolteacher for the horrible crime of teaching girls to read.

Oh sure, American colleges hand out professorships to creaky 60s fossils from the Weather Underground & the SDS like rocks at the stoning of a rape victim, but none of them have actually succeeded in literally taking their country back into the Dark Ages.

They talk the talk, but I've walked the walk.

I must admit, you Americans sure are friendly to newcomers. My new brothers at Eta Beta Pi Fraternity were very welcoming; something about having the word 'Hash' in my name being a good luck charm. Our relationship did hit a rough patch when I burnt down the Rho Lambda Sorority House with all the sorority girls inside because of their shameless and brazen displaying of their bare arms. (Short sleeved shirts are the tool of Satan!)

Everyone was mad at me, and the Dean was thinking of turfing my turbaned tush all the way back to Kandahar, especially after I made the "Roast Lambda" crack, I guess different cultures have different opinions of good comedy.

Luckily I was able to save my hide by declaring that my act of mass slaughter was merely me acting according to my cultural norms. That and the fact that the Rho Lambda girls were probably all Christians made it all the more acceptable to the folks who run Yale.

So remember, Yale may have accepted the 21st Century's equivalent of Joseph Goebbels into their hallowed halls, but they have yet to do squat to help educate Afghani women, and to me that's a good thing.

Now I gotta book. Squid's taking to some new ritual called a "Kegger."

Sounds like fun.


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