Slobo is No Mo... (Overheard in Hell)

BELIAL: All right people line up. I said line up you maggots! You with the hand up, what do you want?

SLOBODAN: My name is Slobodan Milosevic the President of Yugoslavia and I demand to know where I am!

BELIAL: Look around Slobo the Slowpoke. You see fire and smoke, you smell brimstone, and you can hear the wailing and lamentations of souls in eternal torment, where do you think you are?

SLOBODAN: Los Angeles?

BELIAL: You're in Hell you idiot! H-E-Double Hockey Sticks! The pit, the abyss, the place of eternal suffering where evildoers like you are punished for their crimes.

SLOBODAN: I demand a new attorney and a hearing about this issue. The United Nations has no legal authority to send me to Los Angeles!

BELIAL: The United Nations didn't send you here. Your atrocities made you a reservation for here, and your love for deep fried pork rinds paid the proverbial bus fare. Now I'm in charge of orientation for you and the other damned souls. Over to your left is eternal torment, to your right is eternal suffering, and right over there is eternal torment with wedgies.

SLOBODAN: This is totally unfair!

BELIAL: Actually, your life was totally unfair, this is where you finally get what's truly fair.

SLOBODAN: But I'm an important national leader!

BELIAL: No you were the tin-pot dictator of a little country that was so vile and incompetent it ended up breaking up into a bunch of even littler countries and got a bunch of innocent people killed for your stupid dreams of glory. So shut your hole you failed wannabe Hitler or I'll shut it for you.

SLOBODAN: Hey, I stand by my delusions of grandeur!

BELIAL: Now let me get the spiked ball gag out of this bucket of dog feces.

SLOBODAN: Hey, get away from me with that!

BELIAL: Don't be such a baby, you're worse than Mohammed Atta.

SLOBODAN: Mmmmphh, mmmmph...

BELIAL: Much better. No you have a choice. You can either spend eternity getting dry buggered by a horde of demons wearing sandpaper condoms. Or you can watch a play.


BELIAL: You'd rather have the show? All right, let me strap you in... Now bend over... There you go. Okay, ladies you can start now.

ROSIE: Hi, I'm Rosie O'Donnell.

BARBRA: I'm Barbra Streisand.

JANE: I'm Jane Fonda.

JANEANE: And I'm Janeane Garofolo. And we're here to perform, just for you, The Vagina Monologues. The long version.

SLOBODAN: Mmmmmmph! Mmmmph!

BELIAL: You poor bastard. I bet those demons are looking a hell of a lot better now.

SLOBODAN: Mmmmph! Mmmmmph!

BELIAL: Just to show you that I'm not all sadism and torture, I'll come back in a hundred years or so and you can tell me if you change your mind.

BARBRA: I'm going to sing my part... Vagina can you hear me!

SLOBODAN: Mmmmph! Mmmmmph! Mmmmmph!

BELIAL: Sometimes the things we do here makes me sick.

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