1 on 1 with ABU MUSAB AL-ZARQAWI

Many journalists have tried, but only I have succeeded in landing a 1 on 1 interview with arch-terrorist, mass-killer, and idol of the idle leftists, Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi.

 

The interview takes place in a hospital room in an undisclosed location. (but if you just happen to look in room 456 at the Carlos the Jackal Memorial Hospital in Damascus, you might be pleasantly surprised.)  Here we discuss recent reports of him being wounded and near death.

 

VOX: Good afternoon Mr. Zarqawi.

 

ABU: Please call me Abu.  You don't have to be formal, just because I'm a mass murderer.

 

VOX: Okay, Abu.  I guess I should get right to the point.  There have been recent reports that you were wounded in the lung by shrapnel or an American bullet, and that you were near death.  But you don't look like you're near death.

 

ABU: Yeah, well, you see that was just a rumour started by some of my followers.  You know fanatics, it all has to be coated in blood and death to make more palatable.

 

VOX: Then why are you in here?

 

ABU: It's a hard life being a fugitive terrorist.  All those fast-food falafels eaten on the run were going right to my thighs.

 

VOX: Wait a minute.  Are you saying that you're in here for liposuction?

 

ABU: Yep.  Chicks don't dig the love handles, and I believe in pleasing the ladies before I stick them in a burqa and have them stoned for talking to their uncle without permission.

 

VOX: Okay, that explains the hospital stay.  But why do you have breast implants?

 

ABU: Oh, these.  Funny story about them.  There was a bit of a mix-up in the operating rooms and I woke up with the Lindsey Lohan special.  But I'm not complaining.

 

VOX: That's very big of you.

 

ABU: I'm just going to have the doctor's family decapitated.

 

VOX: Isn't that a bit harsh, couldn't you just sue him?

 

ABU: Actually, I'm well within my rights to have his children burnt alive, but I've decided to be magnanimous.

 

VOX: When are you getting the implants removed?

 

ABU: I'm keeping them.

 

VOX:  Okay, this is getting kind of creepy, so let's move onto another topic.  Is there any message you'd care to send the outside world?

 

ABU: Sure, death to America, death to Israel, death to all democracies.  And I'd like to give a shout out to my homies, George Galloway, and Michael Moore.  Keep on rocking in the free world dudes, before I take over and kill you all.

 

VOX: Thanks for your time.

 

ABU: Thank you, infidel pig-dog.  You're a credit to the leftist media.  By the way, would please not mention the $25 million dollar reward for my head.  I'd rather that not get around while I'm laid up.

 

VOX: Uh....yeah... I won't mention it... again...

 

ABU: Why did you say again?  Why is the nurse looking at me funny?

 

VOX: Gotta go.