SLANT: The New Game Show That's Sweeping the Nation!

This is a transcript of an episode of the new game show SLANT.  Coming to a TV channel near you.

(Musical intro)

ANNOUNCER (V.O.) It's time for SLANT! The game show where the more biased you are, the more points you get. And now here's your host, the man who muddies the mainstream: VOX POPLAR.

(Enter Vox Poplar, the stunningly handsome host of the show wearing a luminous gold tuxedo.)

VOX POPLAR: Welcome to Slant. Tonight we have an all-star line-up ready to slant themselves to some big prizes. First up we have our reigning champion, typeface aficionado and former TV news-anchor Dan Blather.

(Enter Dan Blather, a rather bland looking fellow with a deep voice.)

DAN BLATHER: Courage!

VOX POPLAR: Joining Dan is agitprop filmmaker and cheeseburger connosieur Michael Bore.

(Enter Michael Bore, who is both fat and poorly dressed.)

MICHAEL BORE: I'm richer than you! That makes me better than you!

VOX POPLAR: Up next is washed up comedian and talk radio host on Err America, Al Cranken.

(Enter Al Cranken, who has oversized glasses, curly hair, and is wearing an ill-fitting suit.)

AL CRANKEN: Americans don't listen to me because they're all idiots! (starts crying) Please listen to me. I need the job because I have no talent.

VOX POPLAR: Our last contestant is plumbing expert and reporter for NewsWeak Magazine, Mark Lickitoff.

(Enter Mike Lickitoff, a middle aged white baby-boomer)

MARK LICKITOFF: Everybody lies except Al-Qaida!

VOX POPLAR: The object of the game is for each of you to make up a headline for a fictional news story that’s been made up by our panel of former writers for the New York Times and the New Republic. The one with the most obvious slant gets the points. Are you ready.

(The contestants all nod.)

VOX POPLAR: First story: President George W. Bush gets a magic wand that cures everyone in the world of the AIDS virus. What's your headline?

DAN BLATHER: Documents prove that Bush used magic wand to get out of National Guard duty.

MICHAEL BORE: Halliburton and Christian fundamentalists conspire to chop health funding.

AL CRANKEN: George W. Bush does nothing for cancer patients.

MARK LICKITOFF: Bush's use of Black Magic disrespects the Koran.

VOX POPLAR: And the round goes to Al Cranken. How does it feel to actually win something for a change?

AL CRANKEN: Maybe someone will actually tune into my show.

VOX POPLAR: I doubt that. I'm just a game show host, I'm not a miracle worker. Next story: The war on terror is won. All dictatorships fall and the world is swept by a wave of democracy and peace. What's your headline?

DAN BLATHER: Documents prove that Al-Qaida was not an international terrorist organisation, but the name of a cranky cocker-spaniel in Kennebunkport.

MICHAEL BORE: Fictitious war has fictitious victory.

AL CRANKEN: Right wing conspiracy oppresses the world by giving them freedom.

MARK LICKITOFF: Global democracy is an affront to the Koran.

VOX POPLAR: Points go to Michael Bore on that one. Final story: Former President Bill Clinton has been found in bed with a dead underage prostitute in Thailand. What's your headline?

DAN BLATHER: Documents unearthed in Abilene Kinko's show that underage Thai Prostitute was really a Forty-five year old officer in the Texas Air National Guard named Eugene "Bubba" Watkins.

MICHAEL BORE: Halliburton plants dead prostitute in Bill Clinton's bed.

AL CRANKEN: George W. Bush found in bed with dead Thai prostitute.

MARK LICKITOFF: Bill Clinton gives dead prostitute a decent place to sleep while George W. Bush plots to disrespect Koran.

VOX POPLAR: Looks like a tie for Mark Lickitoff and Dan Blather. Making this competition an all around tie. So that's all for tonight.

AL CRANKEN: Wait a minute. Who's the winner?

VOX POPLAR: None, you're all losers. Goodnight everybody and tune in next time for SLANT!