I'm normally a pretty hard man to shock, but after I read this transcript, (found beneath a dumpster of a Denny's in Rhode Island) I was shocked, truly and deeply shocked.  Dick Durbin's right!  Just read this and get the whole truth!


ABU: (furious) Infidel swine! You will never get me to talk! Never!

CAPTAIN CUDDLES: (high-child like voice) Why Mr. Abu, you don't sound like a happy Gitmo camper!

Abu looks around to find the source of the voice, but it looks like he's alone.

ABU: Who are you! Show yourself heretical American pig-dog!

A cute little PUPPET, yes a puppet, named CAPTAIN CUDDLES, pops up from behind the table. It's wearing a little helmet with captain's bars on it, and a little American flag on its chest.

CAPTAIN CUDDLES: Hi, I'm Captain Cuddles, and I'll be your interrogator today.

ABU: What the hell?

CAPTAIN CUDDLES: (correcting like a pre-school teacher) That's some naughty language. Are you going to kiss your seventy-seven virgins with that mouth?

ABU: I don't care what you American infidels do to me. I will never talk!

CAPTAIN CUDDLES:  That's not very nice. I better get some help.  (call under the desk)  I need some help here Colonel Hugs.

Another puppet, named Colonel Hugs and wearing an American Colonel's pin pops up.

COLONEL HUGS: What's the problem Captain Cuddles?

CAPTAIN CUDDLES: The big mean terrorist won't tell us what we need to know.

COLONEL HUGS:  I know what to do. Let's sing him a song!


The two puppets starts singing, their high-pitched voices put Abu in paroxysms of agony.

CUDDLES & HUGS:(singing)I love you! You love me! We're all one happy family! You blow people up and that's just wrong, tell us what you know or we'll keep singing this song...

ABU: (screaming) No! No more! I'll tell you everything you need to know! For the love of Allah please stop the singing!


There is so much evil in this world... I think I'm going to be sick...

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