Evil Or Misunderstood?

VOX POPLAR: Good evening and welcome to the new political gameshow, Evil? Or Misunderstood? Where folks can display their knowledge of moral relativism. Tonight's contestant is a former political flack turned pseudo-journalistic hack, the host of CNBC's Hardball, Chris Matthews. Welcome Chris.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: It's good to be here Vox.

VOX POPLAR: That's Mr. Poplar to you. Now you made some comments during a recent trip to Canada that terrorists aren't evil, merely misunderstood.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: They are. The real evil in the world is the United States.

VOX POPLAR: Can the speeches Hardnuts. You're here to prove to the world that you are a real, honest to god expert on the nature of evil.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: That's right.

VOX POPLAR: The rules are simple. I will present you with something and you have to figure out if those things I tell you are Evil, or just Misunderstood.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: I'm ready.

VOX POPLAR: First question. You have kidnapped a woman who has dedicated her life to helping the people of the country you claim to want to liberate. Rather than let her go on with her work, you torture and then behead her. Would that make you Evil, or Misunderstood?

CHRIS MATTHEWS: Misunderstood.

(Buzzer goes)

VOX POPLAR: Sorry. That is wrong. Doing that will make you Evil. Next question. You have invaded a country and overthrown its brutal dictator. You then begin reconstruction of that same country under difficult circumstances, helping them learn to work together, write a constitution and build democratic institutions. Would that make you Evil, or Misunderstood?

CHRIS MATTHEWS: That sounds like something America would do. I would definitely say Evil.

(Buzzer goes)

VOX POPLAR: Sorry. Wrong again. That would make you misunderstood. You're way behind, but there's still a chance you can win our grand prize of absolute moral superiority. Here's our next question. You're the ruler of a country that is rich in natural resources. Instead of using those resources to improve the lives of your people, you instead build palaces, start wars with your neighbours, and use poison gas on your own citizens. Would this make you Evil, or Misunderstood?

CHRIS MATTHEWS: Hmmmm. This is a tricky one. It's the sort of thing we'd like to blame America for doing, even though America doesn't really do it... let me think. I'm going to go with Misunderstood.

VOX POPLAR: Is that your final answer?

CHRIS MATTHEWS: Yes.

(Buzzer goes)

VOX POPLAR: Wrong again, the answer is Evil. And the funny thing is that if you just guessed, you'd probably be right half of the time. Okay, next question. You run a country that is under constant terrorist attack. You have captured a terrorist, and to make him talk you can either pull on his shirt and talk rudely to him, or have an attractive young woman give him a lap dance. Would that make you Evil, or Misunderstood?

CHRIS MATTHEWS: That's horrible. Anyone who would do that is definitely Evil.

(Buzzer goes)

VOX POPLAR: Wrong again. You're not doing too well here Chrissie Boy. Onto the next question. You have a bomb strapped to your chest and you have just deliberately blown up a hall during a wedding reception, killing dozens of innocent people. Would that make you Evil, or Misunderstood?

CHRIS MATTHEWS: Are those people Israelis?

VOX POPLAR: They could be, it doesn't really matter.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: Well, if they are Israelis I'm going to say Misunderstood.

(Buzzer goes)

VOX POPLAR: Looks like yet another leg has been taken off your moral high-horse. Doing that would make you Evil, no matter whose wedding it was. Only two more questions left, there's still a chance to walk away with second place, which would your last remaining shred of dignity. The question is: You are questioning the patriotism of politicians who are deliberately undermining your country's war effort by making statements that hearten your enemies, or publicly discussing classified information with supporters of terrorism. Would that make you Evil, or Misunderstood?

CHRIS MATTHEWS: It's obviously Evil to question the patriotism of anyone who supports the enemies of their country.

(Buzzer goes)

VOX POPLAR: There goes your last shred of dignity. To get third place, which is certification that you have one functioning brain cell you have to get this question right. You are a politician who is deliberately undermining your own country's war effort in order to score cheap political points. A course of action that could possibly cost untold numbers of innocent lives. Would that make you Evil, or Misunderstood?

CHRIS MATTHEWS: That's simple. You'd be Misunderstood.

(Buzzer goes)

VOX POPLAR: Congratulations. You have the same sense of right and wrong found in amoeba and psychopaths. Now get out of here before I have security toss you on your ass.

(Chris Matthews leaves)

VOX POPLAR: Join us next time when Al Franken comes to the show to tell us if stealing from poor children is Evil, or Misunderstood.

Ask Uncle Vox #3:

Hello kiddies and angry loners.

It's time once again to ASK UNCLE VOX!

The wonderful service where a cranky maladjusted antisocial misanthrope will help you with your problems.

Why?

Because the Bastard Judge says I have to for calling him a bastard!

Let's go to the first letter.

Dear Uncle Vox.

A lot of people think I made a really big social faux pas. You see I sent some of friends to martyr themselves at an infidel hotel in the infidel country of Jordan. And that part of the job went smoothly. There was a lot of civilians killed, always a good thing in my line of work, but now everybody looks at me like I farted in the mosque.

What did I do wrong?

The folks in Jordan are all huffy because my peeps whacked some of their fellow Muslims. Well, why don't you file that under 'Well D'uh' you chuckleheads. Muslims kill more Muslims than all the Crusader, Zionists, Hindus and Buddhists combined. I kill Muslims everyday in Iraq, so why is it such a shock when I kill some in Jordan.

Why am I now looked on as a pariah?

What did I do that was so wrong?

Yours in Jihad

~Abu Musab Al-Z. Irritated In Iraq.

I think I can answer that.

First you don't screw around with a woman's wedding. They may not care how many aid workers you decapitate, but get blood and brain matter all over their new white dress and you're a dead man.

And plus, you should leave Jordan alone. Their Queen is hot, and that deserves some respect you ignorant eater of camel shit.

Onto the next letter.

Dear Uncle Vox.

I'm a congressman, and I recently made a call for America to flee Iraq and surrender its fledgeling democracy to Wahabi Jihadists like Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi.

Sure, my call is probably being used as a recruiting tool for the Jihadists, and will no doubt make them more brazen in their lust for blood, but hey, I'm a Democrat. Republicans are supposed to get upset about possibly gay cartoon characters, Democrats are supposed to undermine national security and the morale of our troops that currently serving their country in Iraq while coddling dictators and hopefully foment possible genocide.

Now the bloggers are picking on me because my call for surrender was not only outlandish, unreasonable, and helpful to the enemy, but also because it was completely divorced from reality.

What should I do about them?

Should I continue with the 'chickenhawk' name-calling because I'm a Vietnam vet, even though it's a tacit endorsement of military rule, like in Starship Troopers? Or should I try a different tack?

My options are limited because I don't have any actual facts to back me up.

Sincerely

~John M. Wimping out in Washington.

Okay John.

I say stick with the 'chickenhawk' argument. Democrats lately seem to have developed a taste for genocidal dictators and inane statements. When Howard Dean's term is over you might consider making a run for his job.

Next letter:

Dear Uncle Vox.

Those right-wing bloggers are a real problem. I made one little trip to Saudi Arabia and Syria to discuss classified war plans with people who support terrorism, and suddenly I'm on the blogger shit list with talk of treason and violating something called the Logan Act.

What's the big deal?

It's not like I did something unspeakably evil like nominate a conservative constructionist to the Supreme Court, or reveal the name of someone in a non-classified position to people in media who mostly knew who she was anyway because her husband was lying about major foreign policy decisions. All I did was give allies and business partners of Saddam Hussein a chance to smuggle WMDs out of Iraq for possible future sale to terrorists and other rogue states while endangering the lives and mission of our men and women in uniform.

What should I do? Should I get a lawyer? Flee the country?

Sincerely

~Jay R. Squealing in the Senate.

Well Jay, I've thought over your problem, and I don't really see any trouble coming your way.

You're rich, white and a Democrat. That's practically a 'get out of jail free' card in America.

That's all for tonight folks, keep those e-mails coming because the Bastard Judge just doubled my community service sentence for calling him a bastard at the beginning of this post.

What?

It's tripled now!

Dammit!

Paris is a Smokin' Town

A Special Guest Commentary

by

Domenique De Villepin

Prime Minister of France

Bonjour, Anglais-Saxon-Americain Swine, it is me, ze most suave apologist for terrorism and fascism since Marshal Petain, Monsieur Domenique De Villepin.

An' I don't want any of ze Anglais swine mockery by telling moi, that moi name is more befitting a whore in ze Las Vegas, zan ze whore in the French Parliament.

Zout alors.

It's been a rough time 'ere in Paree. Ze city, she is no longer gay, but she is definitely flaming. Ze Muslims from Afrique an' ze Middle East are doing ze rioting an' ze burning, an' ze throwing of ze rocks. It az become most distressing, and I can not enjoy moi favourite wine, moi favourite cigarrettes, or ze company of moi favourite mistress.

An' it is after all ze nice zings ve 'ave done for zem. Like 'ating ze Joos, makin' ze kissy-up vith ze Yassar Arafat an ze Saddam Hussein. Also by 'elpin' zem preserve zeir culture by keepin' zem isolated in ze lovely, highly flammable ghettoes vith ze poor schools, ze lack of ze 'ope, ze dreadfully lax systeme de justice, an' ze steady supply of ze radical imams zey like zo much.

It is most distressing.

But vhat can ve do?

Zat smarty pants Zarkozy says that ve should 'get tough' with what he calls 'scum' and that we should take back the burning arrondisments by force, using ze French army of all things.

Does 'e not know zat we are French!?!

France has only two strategies to deal vith ze crisis of ze securite nationale. Ve either live in ze state of denial and try go on through life vith ze blinders over ze eyes, or we follow Mr. Zarkozy's suggestion an' ve play ze John Wayne an' call out ze army.

However...

Ze only time ze French Army hits the field it is to do the surrendering, and I don't zink zat would work vith zis crowd. I do not vant to live under ze Shar'ia. Ze vife vill have moi's testicles served on ze platter if she is forced to vear ze burka.

Zat leaves France with only one strategy. Ve deny zat ze insurrection is, in fact, an insurrection, and keep calling it a riot. Ve vill also try to buy off ze rioters vith ze bigger welfare benefits, an even more lax judicial system, an' try to find ze common zings zat ve share, like ze anti-semitism, ze love of ze dictators, an' ze Jerry Lewis.

If zat does not vork, an' zey keep tryin' to bully us, zen we 'ave to use ze tird option.

Ve swallow our pride and call ze USA to save our proverbial bacon, again.

Zout alors, I shudder to zink of ze 'I told you so' look on ze face of ze Bush.

Let's all 'ope ze rioters stick to burning zeir own neighbourhoods an' don't burn anything zat is actually worth anyting.

Au Revoir

~Dominique De Villepin, PM du Francais.

ASK UNCLE VOX #2

Welcome back.

By public demand and as part of my punishment for revealing my hometown's shocking lack of public urinals I'm still saddled with doing community service. So, to service the community, in a non-sexual way according to the judge, I'm offering my infinite wisdom and miniscule compassion to help people with their problems, and then I'll laugh about them behind their backs.

Here's the first letter.

Dear Uncle Vox.

I'm a massively successful blogger who has won the respect of pajama clad loners all over the country. Yet a group of bloggers led by this bunch insist on spreading filthy lies about me. They accuse me of doing all sorts of horrible things like blending puppies into smoothies and strangling hobos. I must insist that I do not blend puppies, kittens occassional, but that strictly for nutritional and not entertainment value, and I haven't killed a hobo since college.

How do I get these wankers off my incredibly successful back?

Sincerely Glenn R. Uncrowned King of All Bloggers.

Sounds like a sticky wicket, as an effete 1920's British dandy would say.

I say that you have two choices and both begin with the letter 'L.'

1. Litigation
2. Letter bomb

If you go with number 2 don't tell the judge I gave you the idea, I don't need any more grief. Tell him you got it from a video game, that should get you off.

Now the next letter.

Dear Uncle Vox.

I'm a blogger and I have a mystery that only a true brilliant and radiant genius like you can solve.

Why don't girls like me?

I have my own blog? That alone should be getting me some action, why isn't it working.

Sincerely Damian G. Lonely in Long Island.

I have a simple suggestion that might help.

Soap.

Trust me.

Some deodorant might help too.

It may not make you the next Rudolph Valentino, but is should at least keep their eyes from watering when you enter the room.

Now the next letter.

Dear Uncle Vox.

I'm a respected syndicated columnist and blogger and that's garnered me a lot of attention, and not all of it's good. Recently I've been receiving what can only be described as 'love notes' from someone called Remulak MoxArgon. He's another blogger and he's apparently developed a crush on me. Despite the fact that he's the best looking man on the blogosphere (second only to you Vox) I'm a married woman, and even though he's an interstellar conqueror, I find the way he constantly mispells my name a pain in the ass.

How do I let him down gently and not get our planet vaporized?

Sincerely Michelle M. Bothered Blogger.

I happen to know Remulak, and I know that he can be kinda sensitive. I once tried to correct his spelling and he shoved a brain parasite up my nose.

Thank god it was my nose, if you know what I mean.

I suggest you invite him over, get him drunk and then have him wake up in a cheap motel room with a hooker. It seems to calm him down.

That's all for tonight. But before I go I just want to plug a project run by a friend of mine, someone who helped me set up the new look for my site. If you don't like the look, blame him.

He's participating in National Novel Writing Month and he's doing his novel on a blog. It's a Sci-Fi adventure called THE WARLORD 2: JUGGERNAUT.

There, I plugged his site, now maybe he'll stop bugging me.

The Poplar Report #3

YOU'RE A MEAN ONE, MR. CHAVEZ

Venezuelan strongman and Fidel Castrato Castro wannabe Hugo Chavez banned Halloween in Venezuela, declaring a 'phony imperialist holiday' or some such crap. Which makes the following declaration official: HUGO CHAVEZ IS A DICK.

His next project is to disguise himself as Santa Claus and steal Christmas from those annoying bastards in Whoville.

SULU BEAMS OUT OF THE CLOSET

Actor and Star Trek navigator George 'Sulu' Takei came out of the closet this week, declaring that he's gay and proud. This sparked a collective 'so what' from the general public.

When asked for a comment, former co-star William Shatner declared: "George is gay? I've known him for almost forty years and he's not once given me the eye, or checked me out. I'm not gay, but I'm kinda insulted. What's the matter George, am I not good enough for you?"

He then wondered how anyone can resist "some premium Shatner" and went home for a beer and to watch the hockey game.

MIERS MIRED, ALITO NEATO

Do you feel that you might have been conned?

Think about it, Dubya wants to nominate a pro-life judge, but knows the Gang of 14 RINOS will get all wobbly if the Democrats start Borking themselves into a frenzy. So, he nominates an old friend, who is immediately attacked by Republicans for possible liberalities.

This sparks a wave of triumphant 'The Republican Party is Dead All Hail President Hillary' chanting from the media. Miers withdraws for a rather obvious reason, Bush nominates the guy he really wants, and has the wobblies and the squishies all cowed for fear of handing 2006 & 2008 to the Democrats.

Think about it.

PLAMEGATE, LIKE HERPES IT WILL NEVER GO AWAY

Plamegate is still stinking up the airwaves with Democratic hack former ambassador Joe Wilson further endangering his wife's former contacts supposedly endangered by the original leak by plastering her name, face and work history on every TV channel in the country.

Despite having his story refuted by the intelligence agencies of the USA, France, Russia, Great Britain, and Niger, the MSM still thinks his ever changing bullshit mistatements are the gospel truth.

GOMERY REPORT COMES OUT IN CANADA

The long awaited Gomery Report on the Canadian government sponsourship scandal has finally been released. The major revelation in the report was that the government of Jean Chretien's Liberal Party is incredibly corrupt.

We'll just file that under "Well D'uh."