Hello kiddies and angry loners.
It's time once again to ASK UNCLE VOX!
The wonderful service where a cranky maladjusted antisocial misanthrope will help you with your problems.
Because the Bastard Judge says I have to for calling him a bastard!
Let's go to the first letter.
Dear Uncle Vox.
A lot of people think I made a really big social faux pas. You see I sent some of friends to martyr themselves at an infidel hotel in the infidel country of Jordan. And that part of the job went smoothly. There was a lot of civilians killed, always a good thing in my line of work, but now everybody looks at me like I farted in the mosque.
What did I do wrong?
The folks in Jordan are all huffy because my peeps whacked some of their fellow Muslims. Well, why don't you file that under 'Well D'uh' you chuckleheads. Muslims kill more Muslims than all the Crusader, Zionists, Hindus and Buddhists combined. I kill Muslims everyday in Iraq, so why is it such a shock when I kill some in Jordan.
Why am I now looked on as a pariah?
What did I do that was so wrong?
Yours in Jihad
~Abu Musab Al-Z. Irritated In Iraq.
I think I can answer that.
First you don't screw around with a woman's wedding. They may not care how many aid workers you decapitate, but get blood and brain matter all over their new white dress and you're a dead man.
And plus, you should leave Jordan alone. Their Queen is hot, and that deserves some respect you ignorant eater of camel shit.
Onto the next letter.
Dear Uncle Vox.
I'm a congressman, and I recently made a call for America to flee Iraq and surrender its fledgeling democracy to Wahabi Jihadists like Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi.
Sure, my call is probably being used as a recruiting tool for the Jihadists, and will no doubt make them more brazen in their lust for blood, but hey, I'm a Democrat. Republicans are supposed to get upset about possibly gay cartoon characters, Democrats are supposed to undermine national security and the morale of our troops that currently serving their country in Iraq while coddling dictators and hopefully foment possible genocide.
Now the bloggers are picking on me because my call for surrender was not only outlandish, unreasonable, and helpful to the enemy, but also because it was completely divorced from reality.
What should I do about them?
Should I continue with the 'chickenhawk' name-calling because I'm a Vietnam vet, even though it's a tacit endorsement of military rule, like in Starship Troopers? Or should I try a different tack?
My options are limited because I don't have any actual facts to back me up.
~John M. Wimping out in Washington.
I say stick with the 'chickenhawk' argument. Democrats lately seem to have developed a taste for genocidal dictators and inane statements. When Howard Dean's term is over you might consider making a run for his job.
Dear Uncle Vox.
Those right-wing bloggers are a real problem. I made one little trip to Saudi Arabia and Syria to discuss classified war plans with people who support terrorism, and suddenly I'm on the blogger shit list with talk of treason and violating something called the Logan Act.
What's the big deal?
It's not like I did something unspeakably evil like nominate a conservative constructionist to the Supreme Court, or reveal the name of someone in a non-classified position to people in media who mostly knew who she was anyway because her husband was lying about major foreign policy decisions. All I did was give allies and business partners of Saddam Hussein a chance to smuggle WMDs out of Iraq for possible future sale to terrorists and other rogue states while endangering the lives and mission of our men and women in uniform.
What should I do? Should I get a lawyer? Flee the country?
~Jay R. Squealing in the Senate.
Well Jay, I've thought over your problem, and I don't really see any trouble coming your way.
You're rich, white and a Democrat. That's practically a 'get out of jail free' card in America.
That's all for tonight folks, keep those e-mails coming because the Bastard Judge just doubled my community service sentence for calling him a bastard at the beginning of this post.
It's tripled now!