Paris is a Smokin' Town

A Special Guest Commentary

by

Domenique De Villepin

Prime Minister of France

Bonjour, Anglais-Saxon-Americain Swine, it is me, ze most suave apologist for terrorism and fascism since Marshal Petain, Monsieur Domenique De Villepin.

An' I don't want any of ze Anglais swine mockery by telling moi, that moi name is more befitting a whore in ze Las Vegas, zan ze whore in the French Parliament.

Zout alors.

It's been a rough time 'ere in Paree. Ze city, she is no longer gay, but she is definitely flaming. Ze Muslims from Afrique an' ze Middle East are doing ze rioting an' ze burning, an' ze throwing of ze rocks. It az become most distressing, and I can not enjoy moi favourite wine, moi favourite cigarrettes, or ze company of moi favourite mistress.

An' it is after all ze nice zings ve 'ave done for zem. Like 'ating ze Joos, makin' ze kissy-up vith ze Yassar Arafat an ze Saddam Hussein. Also by 'elpin' zem preserve zeir culture by keepin' zem isolated in ze lovely, highly flammable ghettoes vith ze poor schools, ze lack of ze 'ope, ze dreadfully lax systeme de justice, an' ze steady supply of ze radical imams zey like zo much.

It is most distressing.

But vhat can ve do?

Zat smarty pants Zarkozy says that ve should 'get tough' with what he calls 'scum' and that we should take back the burning arrondisments by force, using ze French army of all things.

Does 'e not know zat we are French!?!

France has only two strategies to deal vith ze crisis of ze securite nationale. Ve either live in ze state of denial and try go on through life vith ze blinders over ze eyes, or we follow Mr. Zarkozy's suggestion an' ve play ze John Wayne an' call out ze army.

However...

Ze only time ze French Army hits the field it is to do the surrendering, and I don't zink zat would work vith zis crowd. I do not vant to live under ze Shar'ia. Ze vife vill have moi's testicles served on ze platter if she is forced to vear ze burka.

Zat leaves France with only one strategy. Ve deny zat ze insurrection is, in fact, an insurrection, and keep calling it a riot. Ve vill also try to buy off ze rioters vith ze bigger welfare benefits, an even more lax judicial system, an' try to find ze common zings zat ve share, like ze anti-semitism, ze love of ze dictators, an' ze Jerry Lewis.

If zat does not vork, an' zey keep tryin' to bully us, zen we 'ave to use ze tird option.

Ve swallow our pride and call ze USA to save our proverbial bacon, again.

Zout alors, I shudder to zink of ze 'I told you so' look on ze face of ze Bush.

Let's all 'ope ze rioters stick to burning zeir own neighbourhoods an' don't burn anything zat is actually worth anyting.

Au Revoir

~Dominique De Villepin, PM du Francais.