THE SHOCKING TRUTH ABOUT GITMO!

I'm normally a pretty hard man to shock, but after I read this transcript, (found beneath a dumpster of a Denny's in Rhode Island) I was shocked, truly and deeply shocked.  Dick Durbin's right!  Just read this and get the whole truth!

_____________________________________

ABU: (furious) Infidel swine! You will never get me to talk! Never!

CAPTAIN CUDDLES: (high-child like voice) Why Mr. Abu, you don't sound like a happy Gitmo camper!

Abu looks around to find the source of the voice, but it looks like he's alone.

ABU: Who are you! Show yourself heretical American pig-dog!

A cute little PUPPET, yes a puppet, named CAPTAIN CUDDLES, pops up from behind the table. It's wearing a little helmet with captain's bars on it, and a little American flag on its chest.

CAPTAIN CUDDLES: Hi, I'm Captain Cuddles, and I'll be your interrogator today.

ABU: What the hell?

CAPTAIN CUDDLES: (correcting like a pre-school teacher) That's some naughty language. Are you going to kiss your seventy-seven virgins with that mouth?

ABU: I don't care what you American infidels do to me. I will never talk!

CAPTAIN CUDDLES:  That's not very nice. I better get some help.  (call under the desk)  I need some help here Colonel Hugs.

Another puppet, named Colonel Hugs and wearing an American Colonel's pin pops up.

COLONEL HUGS: What's the problem Captain Cuddles?

CAPTAIN CUDDLES: The big mean terrorist won't tell us what we need to know.

COLONEL HUGS:  I know what to do. Let's sing him a song!

CAPTAIN CUDDLES: Yeah!

The two puppets starts singing, their high-pitched voices put Abu in paroxysms of agony.

CUDDLES & HUGS:(singing)I love you! You love me! We're all one happy family! You blow people up and that's just wrong, tell us what you know or we'll keep singing this song...

ABU: (screaming) No! No more! I'll tell you everything you need to know! For the love of Allah please stop the singing!

__________________________________________

There is so much evil in this world... I think I'm going to be sick...

1 on 1 with HOWARD DEAN

Former Vermont governor and presidential candidate turned DNC Chairman Howard Dean has been the subject of a news blackout lately due to the MSM's support of the Democratic Party and his tendency to make an ass of himself. Well since I actually enjoy seeing people have public meltdowns I've invited him to speak with me. Here's the interview.

VOX: Nice to have you here Governor Dean.

DEAN: I prefer to be called Chairman Dean. Like my idol Chairman Mao.

VOX: You idolise Chairman Mao?

DEAN: I never said anything of the sort. Let me just say that I'm really excited to be here. I'm pumped! Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhhh!

VOX: How do you feel about the MSM's refusal to cover your many public gaffes that are making Barney Frank look like the voice of moderation?

DEAN: The power mad Republicans are behind it all. They edit my statements to make them look like they were made by a raving moonbat. I have it on good authority that Condoleeza Rice rewrites my speeches while Dick Cheney grills babies and George W. Bush snorts cocaine from the crack of Rush Limbaugh's ass! YYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

VOX: I'm sorry but I think you just made another big gaffe with wild accusations that have no place in reality.

DEAN: I'm telling you the Republicans are making me do it. They have the time since all Republicans are a pack of do-nothing-crack-smoking-child-pornography-watching-pervert-cannibal-pig-molesters! God I hate them! YYYYEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

VOX: So you hate Republicans?

DEAN: I'm a Democrat, and Democrats don't hate anyone. I don't hate Republicans, I loathe them. I loathe every fibre of their fat-assed-White-Castle-Burger-eating-alcoholic-wife-beating-bulimic-goat-jerking being! YYYYEEEEEAAAAAHHHH!!!!!

VOX: How will this name calling win over moderate voters who voted Republican in the last election?

DEAN: I'm hoping to inspire Republicans all over to stop being a pack of pimple-faced-feces-wallowing-Neo-Nazi-psycho-gun-fondling-moose-molesting bastards! Just because they can wait more than 15 minutes in a voting line because they're fat off welfare checks and drug profits doesn't mean they should have a monopoly on power! They have to be stopped! They want Catholics to be allowed to be federal judges without being interfered with by senile ex-Klansmen! They want Fox News to be allowed to speak freely! They won't even force people to listen to Air America! Such madness must end! YYYYYEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

VOX: Thanks for your time Chairman Dean. I'll be leaving now, because you're giving me the creeps. Goodnight.

DEAN: Goodnight! YEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

Two Inanities & Something Creepy...

Some Hollywood inanity...

 

Actress Lindsey Lohan has been the subject of a digital breast reduction by the Disney Imagineers.  Apparently some of the mothers in the test audience thought her enhanced cleavage in a low cut tank-top was a bit much for a G-Rated picture.

 

I hope the Imagineers can digital implant some talent in the poor girl, because without the jiggle-show, she ain't got much else to offer.  That's just my opinion.

***

Some Political Inanity...

 

Amnesty International has put its birkenstock clad foot in it collective mouth with recent comment comparing Gitmo's Detention facility with Stalin's Gulag.

 

Not only does it shows the organisations knee-jerk anti-Americanism, but it also exposes their incredible ignorance of history. 

 

My suggestion:  Take Amnesty's board of directors and its top leadership and have them spend a week as guards at Gitmo.  Let's see how many of these dim-do-nothing-gooders will start dispensing ass-whoopings after their first encounter with a handful of hurled feces.

***

Something Creepy...

 

I was flipping through the personal ads and laughing in my own sick way at the wailing of the lonely and desperate when I found this ad.  I don't know why, but something about it just puts a chill down my spine.  Read for yourself and tell me what you think.

 

SWF seeks SWM.  Trim, attractive, mid-30's, blonde, bi, devilish divorcee seeking life partner.  I've been more or less out of the dating scene for about 12 years, but come next month I'm going to be a free woman.  (Not quite as free as I'd like, but I can't complain)  I'm seeking a single man, no criminal record an absolute must, who is looking for his own personal femme-fatale to help him explore his dark side.  Contact KARLA H.

There's just something about it I find disturbing... maybe it's just me.

 

SLANT: The New Game Show That's Sweeping the Nation!

This is a transcript of an episode of the new game show SLANT.  Coming to a TV channel near you.

(Musical intro)

ANNOUNCER (V.O.) It's time for SLANT! The game show where the more biased you are, the more points you get. And now here's your host, the man who muddies the mainstream: VOX POPLAR.

(Enter Vox Poplar, the stunningly handsome host of the show wearing a luminous gold tuxedo.)

VOX POPLAR: Welcome to Slant. Tonight we have an all-star line-up ready to slant themselves to some big prizes. First up we have our reigning champion, typeface aficionado and former TV news-anchor Dan Blather.

(Enter Dan Blather, a rather bland looking fellow with a deep voice.)

DAN BLATHER: Courage!

VOX POPLAR: Joining Dan is agitprop filmmaker and cheeseburger connosieur Michael Bore.

(Enter Michael Bore, who is both fat and poorly dressed.)

MICHAEL BORE: I'm richer than you! That makes me better than you!

VOX POPLAR: Up next is washed up comedian and talk radio host on Err America, Al Cranken.

(Enter Al Cranken, who has oversized glasses, curly hair, and is wearing an ill-fitting suit.)

AL CRANKEN: Americans don't listen to me because they're all idiots! (starts crying) Please listen to me. I need the job because I have no talent.

VOX POPLAR: Our last contestant is plumbing expert and reporter for NewsWeak Magazine, Mark Lickitoff.

(Enter Mike Lickitoff, a middle aged white baby-boomer)

MARK LICKITOFF: Everybody lies except Al-Qaida!

VOX POPLAR: The object of the game is for each of you to make up a headline for a fictional news story that’s been made up by our panel of former writers for the New York Times and the New Republic. The one with the most obvious slant gets the points. Are you ready.

(The contestants all nod.)

VOX POPLAR: First story: President George W. Bush gets a magic wand that cures everyone in the world of the AIDS virus. What's your headline?

DAN BLATHER: Documents prove that Bush used magic wand to get out of National Guard duty.

MICHAEL BORE: Halliburton and Christian fundamentalists conspire to chop health funding.

AL CRANKEN: George W. Bush does nothing for cancer patients.

MARK LICKITOFF: Bush's use of Black Magic disrespects the Koran.

VOX POPLAR: And the round goes to Al Cranken. How does it feel to actually win something for a change?

AL CRANKEN: Maybe someone will actually tune into my show.

VOX POPLAR: I doubt that. I'm just a game show host, I'm not a miracle worker. Next story: The war on terror is won. All dictatorships fall and the world is swept by a wave of democracy and peace. What's your headline?

DAN BLATHER: Documents prove that Al-Qaida was not an international terrorist organisation, but the name of a cranky cocker-spaniel in Kennebunkport.

MICHAEL BORE: Fictitious war has fictitious victory.

AL CRANKEN: Right wing conspiracy oppresses the world by giving them freedom.

MARK LICKITOFF: Global democracy is an affront to the Koran.

VOX POPLAR: Points go to Michael Bore on that one. Final story: Former President Bill Clinton has been found in bed with a dead underage prostitute in Thailand. What's your headline?

DAN BLATHER: Documents unearthed in Abilene Kinko's show that underage Thai Prostitute was really a Forty-five year old officer in the Texas Air National Guard named Eugene "Bubba" Watkins.

MICHAEL BORE: Halliburton plants dead prostitute in Bill Clinton's bed.

AL CRANKEN: George W. Bush found in bed with dead Thai prostitute.

MARK LICKITOFF: Bill Clinton gives dead prostitute a decent place to sleep while George W. Bush plots to disrespect Koran.

VOX POPLAR: Looks like a tie for Mark Lickitoff and Dan Blather. Making this competition an all around tie. So that's all for tonight.

AL CRANKEN: Wait a minute. Who's the winner?

VOX POPLAR: None, you're all losers. Goodnight everybody and tune in next time for SLANT!