Damn, Another Election?

A Special Guest Commentary by Saddam Hussein.

How’s it hanging?

Hmmm, bad choice of words since I’m facing the noose myself. How about...

How’s it going, eh?

Well things aren’t looking that bright over here at Camp Hussein. In fact, the brighter it looks for the common Iraqi people the darker it looks for yours truly.

It looks like the new Iraqi constitution, the first passed by popular vote in the Arab world, has passed.

It was a disgusting display of democracy in action. Everyone was allowed to vote on it, Shiites, Kurds, Sunni, Christians, I get freaking chills just thinking about it.

They even let me vote on it if you can believe it.

Let me tell you that I voted "No" on the constitution. Not because of its pro-democratic stance, its guarantees of the rights of women and minorities, or that it frowns upon genocide, the thing that really burns my cous-cous is the "Hang Saddam Clause."

Sheesh, I think they’re taking all this a little personally though.

I mean that doesn’t look to good for me, does it?

Then there’s my trial.

Damn, I’m looking at getting my neck stretched all for killing a few hundred thousand people, and the best strategy my lawyers can think up is that I act defiant and refuse to recognize anyone’s authority.

Great strategy Perry Mason.

Perhaps you can figure out how I can refuse to recognize the law of gravity when the hangman pulls the switch. That would be a great help, you pack of nutless wonders.

I probably should have handled the whole "Kill Israel" thing differently during my time as Iraq’s leader, because I could sure use a good Jewish lawyer right about now. I need Allan Dershowitz I definitely don’t need a dingus like Ramsey Clark patting my shoulder a little longer than necessary and telling me how "manly" I was for standing up to the Great Satan.

With this legal team, I might be better off if I piss my pants in courts and pretend to be all coo-coo bonkers and hope they take pity on the lunatic.

It won’t work, but it’s still better than their idea of standing defiantly while the noose is being put around my neck. Screw that, I’m going out of this world the way I came in, bawling my eyes out and buck naked.

The lawyers tell me, "Don’t worry Saddam. The insurgency will put you back in power in under a year."

Yeah right.

I might be in a prison cell, but I know that Abu-Musab-Al-Numb-Nuts is about as likely to conquer Iraq, as Michael Jackson is likely to have a comeback as a NFL linebacker.

The only people who don’t think of Zarqawi as anything but a murdering dim-bulb scumbag are the western media who think the sun, moon & stars shine out of his back passage because he blows up innocent people in places they can film without leaving their hotel.

That’s a hell of a way to win a war. All he’s really achieving is getting a lot of the Iraqi people pissed off at him. That leads to a bigger and highly motivated Iraqi army, backed up by Uncle Sam’s seemingly unlimited supply of premium canned whoop-ass.

Sure, he’s got Syria to use as a hideout, but old Bashar’s been hanging by a thread since losing Lebanon and his cabinet meetings are looking more like a casting call from Dawn of the Dead.

The Ayatollahs or Iran are also meddling, but they’ve got their own problems and will probably be in my position within five years.

Boy, now that I look back on it, I’ve been a real asshole my whole life.

I guess that little tidbit finally sunk in when the only cards I got for Ramadan were from George Galloway and Cindy Sheehan.

If that ain’t a sign you’re up shit creek without a paddle, I don’t what is.

I gotta go now. Another meeting with the brain-trust in charge of my defense, and I leave with this simple message.

Allan Dershowitz, if you can read this, call me.

~Saddam.

ASK UNCLE VOX

VOX: Today I’m shifting my focus away from the political and turning it toward the personal. I get a lot of e-mails from people looking to tap into my vast intellect and deep wisdom to help ease or even correct their personal problems.

Now normally those poor troubled people would get a form e-mail telling them to stick their troubles where the sun don’t shine, but thanks to my own stint in court ordered anger-management therapy (miserable bastard judges, I hate them!) I am now possessed with a wellspring of goodwill.

So let’s go to the first letter, it’s from a very important person in the MSM who would prefer to stay anonymous...

Dear Uncle Vox-

I’m writing because I value your opinion above everyone else’s. I’m a very important journalist for an organization whose name rhymes with Bee-Hen-Hen and I’ve been covering the recent Iraqi elections. During a recent report; I made some rather stupid statements claiming that free elections had somehow created ethnic divisions in Iraqi society. I also said that these divisions were destroying a society that was once happy and united under the rule of Saddam Hussein.

What was I thinking?

Was I high on diesel fumes, or accidentally huffing the toner from my printer?

Iraq was just as, if not more divided than it is now, except now the minority Sunnis can’t gas Kurds and bomb Shia with impunity.

Is there something deeply wrong with me that I would say something so blatantly wrong and stupid?

What do you think will happen to my once stellar reputation if word of this massive factual blunder gets around?

-Christiane A. Bothered In Baghdad.

VOX: I can explain what’s wrong with you. You are suffering from Bush Derangement Syndrome or BDS, a condition that afflicts the bulk of the MSM these days. In your case, it manifests itself in an uncontrollable impulse to make unbelievably stupid and butt ignorant statements in the vain hope that it will make the Bush administration look bad.

As for your BDS inspired brain-fart getting around, I don’t think you have to worry, it’s not like anyone watches CNN Bee-Hen-Hen anyway. To beat BDS I suggest an immediate surgical procedure to pull your head out of your ass, and then 50 ccs of cold hard reality.

Now, the next letter.

Dear Uncle Vox-

I feel like a phony.

I’ve recently won the NobelPrize a very important literary prize, and I feel that I don’t deserve it. I haven’t written anything worth a tinker’s cuss in decades and I’ve been covering up my lack of artistic inspiration with loud and obnoxious political statements.

I even supported Saddam Hussein and Yasser Arafat even though they’ve caused nothing but misery and suffering, just because Yankee Republicans were opposed to them. I get the feeling that I wasn’t given the award for my literary work, but for my fashionable political stupidity.

I feel like a phony.

What should I do about this?

Harold P.-Loudmouth in
London.

VOX: Well Harold, you’re a phony and all you can write are ignorant anti-American screeds. Sounds like you’re perfect for a career in Hollywood.

Now the next letter.

Dear Uncle Vox-

I’m writing to talk about the media making allegations of torture going on at the American Prison Camp in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Please stop.

I’ve been a prisoner here in Gitmo since I was captured in Afghanistan in 2002 and the folks in charge here tell me that in order to ease the pressure from the media I’m going to be released and sent back to my home in Yemen.

Thanks a freaking lot you rat-sucking media bastards!

In Gitmo I have my own bunk, three squares a day and daily interrogations with a shapely female Navy intelligence officer who thinks that wearing short skirts, fishnets, and low cut tops over her bountiful bosoms are going to break my spirit.

If that’s torture then keep it coming.

The ‘humanitarian gesture’ of shipping my sorry hairy ass back to Yemen is anything but. Have you ever been to Yemen? If you had, then getting your head blown off seems a practical alternative.

Sure I’ll admit that dying a martyr seemed pretty good at first, but then I realized that the promise of 72 virgins ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. I remembered that I grew up in a village with 200 virgins, and I didn’t get any action. I’ve come to the realization that a clean bunk, three squares a day, soccer in the afternoons, and the occasional lap-dance from Lt. Stephanie of the USN is the best this son of a shepherd’s gonna get.

How do I avoid getting shipped home?

-Achmed, Gung-Ho for Gitmo.

VOX: Sounds like a pickle Achmed. The best suggestion I can come up with is to make some stuff up to keep them questioning you. Don’t just volunteer it. Make it sound like you just blurted it out under the pressure then clam up. That should keep them going.

That’s all for today, so keep those questions coming. I still got hundreds of community service hours left to do.

Bastard judges...

The Poplar Report #2

Good evening Mr. and Mrs. Blogosphere and all her sites in cyberspace, let's go to press...

Playwright and political crank Harold Pinter was awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature. The Nobel Committee says that it was for his distinguished career and not for his rabid anti-American statements. Second place was a tie between rapper Kanye West for his Katrina telethon tirade, Saddam Hussein for his detective novels, and a thousand monkeys who sat at a thousand typewriters and one of them wrote something that kinda looked like: "Bush is a Weenie."

The investigation into the collapse of the New Orleans levee during hurricane Katrina has many experts believing that it was caused by soil erosion around a foundation that was improperly installed over forty years ago. However since George W. Bush was only a kid then, the media has decided to ignore it.

America has pledged over $300,000,000 in aid to Pakistan and Afghanistan in the wake of a massive earthquake. So far, the billionaire princes of Saudi Arabia, who in the past have held telethons for suicide bombers, have pledged the steam off their pee. The American Media has decided not to cover the story anymore since they can’t blame the earthquake on George W. Bush.

PBS program FRONTLINE has produced a documentary called "The Torture Question" that posits the theory that the yahoos at Abu Ghraib were actually performing some sort of unwritten government policy. This is the same program that turned down a documentary about Al Qaida’s treatment of prisoners called "The Decapitation Question."

ENTERTAINMENT:

Obnoxious billionaire Mark Cuban has put his considerable fortune behind a film that presents a sympathetic, even heroic view of an Islamic suicide bomber who blows up grand Central Station for revenge against evil America. His next foray into cinema will be a romantic comedy about Adolph Hitler and Eva Braun called "What Holocaust?"

Spike Lee announced on CNN that he is planning on making a film about the flooding of New Orleans. He says that it will follow the facts of the case and will involve George W. Bush and Karl Rove going back in time in Professor Peabody’s WayBack Machine to sabotage the levee. The producers hope that unlike Lee’s films from the past decade, someone might actually pay to see it.

The Piglet of Doom

VOX POPLAR: Welcome. As we speak Great Britain is in an unprecedented crisis of identity and culture. Poor little Piglet has been exiled off everything from coffee cups to tissue boxes in order to not offend Britain's growing and increasingly restive Islamic minority. Here to explain his side of this controversy is Usama Bin Johnson Chairman of the United National Foundation of Anglo-Islamic Relations, or U.N.F.A.I.R. Welcome Mr. Johnson.

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: It's good to be here.

VOX POPLAR: Why the war against poor little Piglet?

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: Because Piglet is just that, a pig, and he is unclean and everything bearing his image is thus unclean and must be banned.

VOX POPLAR: If one wants to be a picker of nits, one could say that Piglet isn't really a pig, but a cartoon.

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: That's a very intolerant attitude you have.

VOX POPLAR: Because he's a cartoon?

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: Trying to muddy up my argument with things like facts. It's a very bad attitude.

VOX POPLAR: So, it's all right to be offended by a little cartoon piglet, but it's wrong to be offended by inane cultural oppression being foisted upon society at large by a small minority within a minority community.

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: Exactly. If Britain wants to be considered truly tolerant it must bow to the demands of people like me who are considered embarrassing wingnuts by their own community.

VOX POPLAR: So the Muslim community of Great Britain isn't really all hopped up over Piglet, just a select few like you?

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: Somebody has to preserve the purity of our society, and since we at UNFAIR are both pushy and loud we always get our way. Don't worry, they'll come around when have Sharia law put in place. They won't have a choice then.

VOX POPLAR: So Piglet's really the first shot being fired over the proverbial bow then?

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: First Piglet, then all other cartoon animals and cartoons in general, then we get the crosses removed from England's flag...

VOX POPLAR: Why do you want the crosses removed from the British flag?

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: They're an acknowledgement of England's foundation as a Christian country based on crazy notions of individual liberty and the rule of law. Notions that would seriously undermine the rule of the coming Grand Caliphate. Plus I read somewhere that Crusaders wore them way back when, so I find them offensive.

VOX POPLAR: Why?

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: Why what?

VOX POPLAR: The forces of Islam won the Crusades. Saladin's army beat the Crusaders under the English Richard the Lionheart. If anything, Muslim people should get a tingle of pride every time they see that red cross. Be it on a flag, a pin raising money for cancer research, or on an ambulance carrying the sick and injured to help.

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: Saladin's victory doesn't count. He wasn't a true Muslim, he was Kurdish, and we all know what kind of people the Kurds are.

VOX POPLAR: According to reports from Iraq, the Kurds are acting pretty bravely in assembling a democratic state with the Shia in the face of mostly foreign terrorists and domestic thugs.

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: You are so bloody ignorant. Kurds are evil because they want to recognize Israel, and Israel is the font of all that is evil in the world. Not like the peace loving Palestinians.

VOX POPLAR: An interesting point. But I just happened to notice that the Kurds and Israelis weren't dancing in the streets when those planes hit the twin towers on 9/11, while the Palestinians were.

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: Oh sure bring up that little bit of trivia. Everyone knows the Israelis were behind 9/11. That guy at Counterpunch says that some guy had money in a sock, hence, the Mossad did it.

VOX POPLAR: If the Mossad really did it, then why were the Palestinians dancing for joy over the deaths of Americans?

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: That's a very intolerant attitude you have.

VOX POPLAR: Why am I intolerant? Is it because I think that my acceptance of people of other cultures should also mean that they tolerate me, my culture, and my little Piglet coffee mug? A cartoon of a pig isn't the same as being forced to surrender your history, culture and religion to the whims of a group of loudmouths just because they can bully politicians with accusations of racism.

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: You sir are a racist!

VOX POPLAR: We're the same race. In fact, I did a little checking, and it turns out that we're cousins. Are you saying that I'm prejudiced against my own beloved Gramma?

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: So, we're different religions.

VOX POPLAR: But we worship the same God.

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: You're still a bigot!

VOX POPLAR: Because I think tolerance is a two way street? You know, for a main who claims to be the voice of the moderate, you have some pretty immoderate views.

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: I haven't blown anyone up yet. That makes me a moderate.

VOX POPLAR: I knew I should have called Irshad Manji. She at least knows what the word moderate really means. That's all for today folks.

1 on 1 with the Spirit World...

VOX POPLAR: Welcome loyal angry loners, today we're going to take a dip into the realm of the paranormal. Renowned psychic, mentalist, astrologer, and head fry cook at Big Daddy's House of Shrimp, the Incredible Zbornak is here to use his amazing abilities analyzing politics. Welcome Mr. Zbornak.

ZBORNAK: It's good to be here.

VOX POPLAR: What are you going to do for us tonight?

ZBORNAK: I'm going to get answers from the spirit world for the questions in these envelopes without even looking at what's inside.

VOX POPLAR: Sounds cool.

ZBORNAK: May I have the first envelope...
(holds envelope to head)
I'm getting a title... "The Impotence of Being Earnest."
(opens envelope)
"What would you call a movie about the International Atomic Energy Agency and it's head Mohammed Baradei winning the Nobel Peace Prize?"

VOX POPLAR: You sir are correct. Ho-ho-ho. Now the next envelope.

ZBORNAK: I'm getting a message... It's a menu... "Sacrificial lamb served with a side order of crow, and the desert is the real main course."
(opens envelope)
"What are George W. Bush's real plans for the Harriet Miers nomination?"

VOX POPLAR: Intriguing. Here's the third envelope.

ZBORNAK: I'm getting a vision. "She's promising to stay, only so she can leave..."
(opens envelope)
"What is Hillary Clinton telling New York voters?"

VOX POPLAR: Hah. You sir are correct! And now the fourth envelope.

ZBORNAK: I'm getting a vision. "It's Dubya's fault."
(opens envelope)
"How will the media cover natural disasters in the future?"

VOX POPLAR: You sir are correct. Incredible. Now the fifth envelope.

ZBORNAK: Hmmm... This is a quote from Shakespeare. "A tale told by an idiot. Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."
(opens envelope)
"What do you think about Howard Dean's latest statements?"

VOX POPLAR: Is there anything the spirits don't know?

ZBORNAK: Where I left my car keys. The final envelope please.
(holds envelope to head.)
I'm seeing a vast open space... nothingness...
(opens envelope)
"What is Zbornak being paid for this appearance?"

VOX POPLAR: Wow. The spirits do know all.

ZBORNAK: Cheap bastard.

1 on 1 with RONNIE EARLE

VOX: Welcome. The Beltway's abuzz the news that prominent Senate Republican Tom Delay has been indicted by the Democratic political hack District Attorney of Travis County, Texas on campaign finance charges. Is this an attempt at political character assassination, or a serious attempt at justice? Well, my guest tonight should be able to answer that question since it's none other than Ronnie Earle the D.A. in question. Welcome Ronnie.

EARLE: Your attempt at familiarity strikes me as an attempt to sway me and somehow corrupt my office and representative democracy in Texas!

VOX: I was just trying to be friendly.

EARLE: Friendliness is the root of corruption, and corruption will subvert representative democracy. Are you looking to be indicted boy?

VOX: Sorry if I offended you Mr. Earle. Let's just get on with the interview. Some are saying that your indictment of Delay is just a partisan political game like the time you indicted Senator Kay Bailey Hutchinson after the last election.

EARLE: There is absolutely no political influence in my decision making process. In fact I have indicted Democrats in the past.

VOX: On what charges?

EARLE: Disagreeing with me. Disagreeing with me shows that you have been corrupted by the corporate fat-cat political machine and are attempting to subvert representative democracy in Texas.

VOX: Interesting that you should bring up corporate money, because many say that you've engaged in a 'dismissals for dollars' program where you dismiss indictments against corporations in exchange for large donations to a group run by your Democratic Party friends. What do you have to say to those charges?

EARLE: Who sent you? Those Satanic corporate bastards at Cracker Barrel. That's the sort of question one of their goose-stepping fascists would ask.

VOX: I had no idea Cracker Barrel was so evil. But what about the other indictments that many consider questionable, like the case of Albert Scranton. He's a cook at Austin Al's Steak Emporium and you had him indicted for assault.

EARLE: That was necessary. His overcooked steak was an assault on my digestive system. I knew that Delay sent him to poison me with poorly tenderized meat.

VOX: What about Matin Sanchez, you had him indicted for murder?

EARLE: That dog of his slaughtered my azaleas. The bastard deserved the electric chair for that. But old Delay used his evil Jedi mind trick to get that indictment dismissed on the grounds that it had no basis in reality.

VOX: You then had him indicted for 'public indeceny' which was also dismissed. Why was that?

EARLE: Some corporate lickspittle judge let him go on the grounds that wearing white shoes after Labor Day did not constitute indecency. Well if that judge saw the shirt and pants he was wearing he would have given him the lethal injection. For Pete's sake, who wears a frikkin' leisure suit these days?

VOX: All these indictments sound a lot like abuse of power.

EARLE: Those indictment are only the beginning. I have been given a mission from God to drive corporate money and Republicans from America, that way political campaigns are completely dependent on individuals like George Soros and Steve Bing.

VOX: You're on a mission from God?

EARLE: One of the many responsibilities one has to bear when he's the Second Coming.

VOX: Now you're starting to creep me out.

EARLE: Only someone in on the Satanic troika of Sears/Cracker Barrel/Delay would be creeped out by the light of my truth. Look at your shoes. I should indict you for animal cruelty with all the animals that died to make those ugly ass shoes.

VOX: They're naugahyde.

EARLE: Oh, those poor cuddly naugas dying so you'd swan about all fancy like you were Imelda Marcos. That's it, I'm having you indicted for animal cruelty and did you just swat a fly?

VOX: Yeah, so what?

EARLE: And another indictment for aggravated buggery! I'll get you and your corporate masters! You can't stop me, no one can stop me, because I'll have them indicted! Ha-ha-ha-hah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

VOX: I think that's enough for now, good night.