ASK UNCLE VOX

VOX: Today I’m shifting my focus away from the political and turning it toward the personal. I get a lot of e-mails from people looking to tap into my vast intellect and deep wisdom to help ease or even correct their personal problems.

Now normally those poor troubled people would get a form e-mail telling them to stick their troubles where the sun don’t shine, but thanks to my own stint in court ordered anger-management therapy (miserable bastard judges, I hate them!) I am now possessed with a wellspring of goodwill.

So let’s go to the first letter, it’s from a very important person in the MSM who would prefer to stay anonymous...

Dear Uncle Vox-

I’m writing because I value your opinion above everyone else’s. I’m a very important journalist for an organization whose name rhymes with Bee-Hen-Hen and I’ve been covering the recent Iraqi elections. During a recent report; I made some rather stupid statements claiming that free elections had somehow created ethnic divisions in Iraqi society. I also said that these divisions were destroying a society that was once happy and united under the rule of Saddam Hussein.

What was I thinking?

Was I high on diesel fumes, or accidentally huffing the toner from my printer?

Iraq was just as, if not more divided than it is now, except now the minority Sunnis can’t gas Kurds and bomb Shia with impunity.

Is there something deeply wrong with me that I would say something so blatantly wrong and stupid?

What do you think will happen to my once stellar reputation if word of this massive factual blunder gets around?

-Christiane A. Bothered In Baghdad.

VOX: I can explain what’s wrong with you. You are suffering from Bush Derangement Syndrome or BDS, a condition that afflicts the bulk of the MSM these days. In your case, it manifests itself in an uncontrollable impulse to make unbelievably stupid and butt ignorant statements in the vain hope that it will make the Bush administration look bad.

As for your BDS inspired brain-fart getting around, I don’t think you have to worry, it’s not like anyone watches CNN Bee-Hen-Hen anyway. To beat BDS I suggest an immediate surgical procedure to pull your head out of your ass, and then 50 ccs of cold hard reality.

Now, the next letter.

Dear Uncle Vox-

I feel like a phony.

I’ve recently won the NobelPrize a very important literary prize, and I feel that I don’t deserve it. I haven’t written anything worth a tinker’s cuss in decades and I’ve been covering up my lack of artistic inspiration with loud and obnoxious political statements.

I even supported Saddam Hussein and Yasser Arafat even though they’ve caused nothing but misery and suffering, just because Yankee Republicans were opposed to them. I get the feeling that I wasn’t given the award for my literary work, but for my fashionable political stupidity.

I feel like a phony.

What should I do about this?

Harold P.-Loudmouth in
London.

VOX: Well Harold, you’re a phony and all you can write are ignorant anti-American screeds. Sounds like you’re perfect for a career in Hollywood.

Now the next letter.

Dear Uncle Vox-

I’m writing to talk about the media making allegations of torture going on at the American Prison Camp in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Please stop.

I’ve been a prisoner here in Gitmo since I was captured in Afghanistan in 2002 and the folks in charge here tell me that in order to ease the pressure from the media I’m going to be released and sent back to my home in Yemen.

Thanks a freaking lot you rat-sucking media bastards!

In Gitmo I have my own bunk, three squares a day and daily interrogations with a shapely female Navy intelligence officer who thinks that wearing short skirts, fishnets, and low cut tops over her bountiful bosoms are going to break my spirit.

If that’s torture then keep it coming.

The ‘humanitarian gesture’ of shipping my sorry hairy ass back to Yemen is anything but. Have you ever been to Yemen? If you had, then getting your head blown off seems a practical alternative.

Sure I’ll admit that dying a martyr seemed pretty good at first, but then I realized that the promise of 72 virgins ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. I remembered that I grew up in a village with 200 virgins, and I didn’t get any action. I’ve come to the realization that a clean bunk, three squares a day, soccer in the afternoons, and the occasional lap-dance from Lt. Stephanie of the USN is the best this son of a shepherd’s gonna get.

How do I avoid getting shipped home?

-Achmed, Gung-Ho for Gitmo.

VOX: Sounds like a pickle Achmed. The best suggestion I can come up with is to make some stuff up to keep them questioning you. Don’t just volunteer it. Make it sound like you just blurted it out under the pressure then clam up. That should keep them going.

That’s all for today, so keep those questions coming. I still got hundreds of community service hours left to do.

Bastard judges...