10/03/2005

1 on 1 with RONNIE EARLE

VOX: Welcome. The Beltway's abuzz the news that prominent Senate Republican Tom Delay has been indicted by the Democratic political hack District Attorney of Travis County, Texas on campaign finance charges. Is this an attempt at political character assassination, or a serious attempt at justice? Well, my guest tonight should be able to answer that question since it's none other than Ronnie Earle the D.A. in question. Welcome Ronnie.

EARLE: Your attempt at familiarity strikes me as an attempt to sway me and somehow corrupt my office and representative democracy in Texas!

VOX: I was just trying to be friendly.

EARLE: Friendliness is the root of corruption, and corruption will subvert representative democracy. Are you looking to be indicted boy?

VOX: Sorry if I offended you Mr. Earle. Let's just get on with the interview. Some are saying that your indictment of Delay is just a partisan political game like the time you indicted Senator Kay Bailey Hutchinson after the last election.

EARLE: There is absolutely no political influence in my decision making process. In fact I have indicted Democrats in the past.

VOX: On what charges?

EARLE: Disagreeing with me. Disagreeing with me shows that you have been corrupted by the corporate fat-cat political machine and are attempting to subvert representative democracy in Texas.

VOX: Interesting that you should bring up corporate money, because many say that you've engaged in a 'dismissals for dollars' program where you dismiss indictments against corporations in exchange for large donations to a group run by your Democratic Party friends. What do you have to say to those charges?

EARLE: Who sent you? Those Satanic corporate bastards at Cracker Barrel. That's the sort of question one of their goose-stepping fascists would ask.

VOX: I had no idea Cracker Barrel was so evil. But what about the other indictments that many consider questionable, like the case of Albert Scranton. He's a cook at Austin Al's Steak Emporium and you had him indicted for assault.

EARLE: That was necessary. His overcooked steak was an assault on my digestive system. I knew that Delay sent him to poison me with poorly tenderized meat.

VOX: What about Matin Sanchez, you had him indicted for murder?

EARLE: That dog of his slaughtered my azaleas. The bastard deserved the electric chair for that. But old Delay used his evil Jedi mind trick to get that indictment dismissed on the grounds that it had no basis in reality.

VOX: You then had him indicted for 'public indeceny' which was also dismissed. Why was that?

EARLE: Some corporate lickspittle judge let him go on the grounds that wearing white shoes after Labor Day did not constitute indecency. Well if that judge saw the shirt and pants he was wearing he would have given him the lethal injection. For Pete's sake, who wears a frikkin' leisure suit these days?

VOX: All these indictments sound a lot like abuse of power.

EARLE: Those indictment are only the beginning. I have been given a mission from God to drive corporate money and Republicans from America, that way political campaigns are completely dependent on individuals like George Soros and Steve Bing.

VOX: You're on a mission from God?

EARLE: One of the many responsibilities one has to bear when he's the Second Coming.

VOX: Now you're starting to creep me out.

EARLE: Only someone in on the Satanic troika of Sears/Cracker Barrel/Delay would be creeped out by the light of my truth. Look at your shoes. I should indict you for animal cruelty with all the animals that died to make those ugly ass shoes.

VOX: They're naugahyde.

EARLE: Oh, those poor cuddly naugas dying so you'd swan about all fancy like you were Imelda Marcos. That's it, I'm having you indicted for animal cruelty and did you just swat a fly?

VOX: Yeah, so what?

EARLE: And another indictment for aggravated buggery! I'll get you and your corporate masters! You can't stop me, no one can stop me, because I'll have them indicted! Ha-ha-ha-hah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

VOX: I think that's enough for now, good night.

4 comments:

Damian G. said...

Heh. Buggery.

Everyman said...

I nearly fell from my chair when I read the one about the leisure suit. Brilliant!

Aizlynne said...

Aggravated buggery .... sounds like something the politico's like to do to the serfs ....

Uber said...

Buggery? lol