The Poplar Report

DATELINE LONDON: Lefty literary salon Verso Press has released a volume of the collected statements of radical-chic mass murderer Usama Bin Ladin. Now the book is a lot of the same old-same old that we've come to expect from a literary lion like Bin Ladin. The usual turgid calls for death to the Americans, Jews, women, gays, atheists, Christians, artists and writers, you know, the usual stuff supported by the 'Progressive Left,' but the really interesting stuff is what was left out of this collection. So here are the Bin Ladin statements that the editors at Verso didn't think were 'revolutionary enough.'

"You know, I really, really like fudge. I know, it goes straight to my thighs, but I love it."

"My kidneys are fine. Zawahiri's a doctor and he says it's normal for a man my age to pee blood occassionally."

"I call for more Jihadis to join our sacred war against the Zionists and Crusaders! But before you come to you training camp, can you pick up a bottle of Chin & Cheeks Beard Shampoo. I've been stuck in this cave for months and my beard is a freaking nightmare of tangles."

"Damn, those Yanks sure do have a shitload of bombs. I like really underestimated that."

"Who the hell farted?"

"I love those lefty westerners. We pledge to kill them and they love us for it. Boy, I'd love to see the looks on their faces when my Caliphate comes to power. Come to think about it, I could have their heads mounted and that way I can see those looks forever."

Pretty heady stuff.

DATELINE: NEW YORK/HOLLYWOOD: Time Magazine has named its People of the Year for 2005. This time it's uber-billionaire Bill Gates, his wife Melinda and Rock star/Cause Whore Bono from the band U2.

They were named for their dedication to eradicating poverty and disease in the 3rd World. Bill and Melinda Gates for their foundation that spends hundreds of millions of dollars fighting poverty and disease and Bono for being a celebrity who's really good at posing as a philanthropist.

If time wanted to 'sex up' the People of the Year with a celebrity they should have named Angelina Jolie. At least with her there's at least 2 Third World kids getting food, clothing and shelter, which is two more than any that Bono can claim.

Bono defended his work by stating "That it's perfectly reasonable for a multimillionaire who doesn't pay taxes to demand that working class people spend their tax dollars relieving the debts of countries run by corrupt dictatorships that have no incentive to reform or actually improve the lives of their people. Besides, I've got a world tour to promote and nothing sells tickets better than a stack of starving Africans."