12/22/2005

FLAW & ODOUR

FADE IN:

In television the opinions and beliefs of limousine liberals are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups. The actors who play out the Democratic Party's talking points, and the millionaire producers who use them to keep their memberships in the Hamptons country club. These are their stories...

DUNK-DUNK!

OUTSIDE NBC HQ, NEW YORK, 9:15 AM, 3RD DAY OF SWEEPS

Detectives MONTANA and BREEN come out of their car. An NBC SECURITY GUARD is standing watch over a bloody sheet that's covering a lump on the sidewalk.

MONTANA What have you got?

NBC SECURITY It's pretty bad.

BREEN Let's have a look.

The NBC Guard lifts up a sheet. Both Montana and Breen look ready to hurl.

BREEN (CONT'D) Man, that must have been a bad fall.

MONTANA He popped like a ketchup packet. Any ID on him?

NBC SECURITY Yeah, says here that he's the ratings for our show.

MONTANA Another one. If our ratings keep falling like this we'll be lucky to score a sitcom on UPN.

BREEN The ratings could be falling of their own accord. Maybe audiences just aren't happy with our show anymore.

MONTANA Don't be a retard. We make episodes slandering America's troops, government, and citizens based on wild conspiracy theories concocted by Michael Moore and MoveOn.Org. How can the American audience not love it.

BREEN What do we do?

MONTANA What we always do. Poke around until we find a religious person or potential Republican voter and arrest him for it.

BREEN Okay, but the religious person has to be a Christian. Because we all know it's racist to imply that any Muslim ever did anything to harm anyone in New York.

The two detectives head off, completely ignoring the gap in the skyline where the World Trade Centre used to be.

DUNK-DUNK!

APT. OF JOE BLOW. 227 AVERAGE STREET. 4TH DAY OF SWEEPS.

Montana and Breen kick open the door, guns drawn, scaring the crap out of JOE BLOW, an average fellow having breakfast and reading a newspaper.

MONTANA Freeze dirtbag!

JOE BLOW What the hell!

BREEN Look at that!

Breen points to a cross hanging on the living room wall.

MONTANA My god, he's one of those Christians. (to Joe) Keep your hands up sicko.

Montana cuffs Joe while Breen goes through the room.

BREEN Look at his newspaper.

MONTANA It's not the New York Times, and it's actually acknowledging the Iraqi election! You filthy flyover Red State bastard! Let's bring him in.

DUNK-DUNK!

OFFICE OF D.A. ARTHUR BLANCH, FOURTH DAY OF SWEEPS

BLANCH Do you think arresting this Joe Blow fellow is going to keep our ratings from plunging.

Assistant DA Jack McSoy leaps from his chair and start ranting passionately.

MCSOY It has to. An example must be made to show these law abiding Christian Republicans that they're the cause of all the crime and misery in the world.

BLANCH You know, constantly blaming America and the majority of its citizens for all the world's ills might be the reason our ratings are taking swan dives. Then again, I'm just the occassional voice of reason and no one is really supposed to listen to me anyway, even though I'm usually right.

MCSOY I'm taking this to trial. There will be no deals.

Enter attractive brunette Junior DA Burqa.

BURQA We might have a problem. Joe Blow's lawyers have filed a motion to get the charges dismissed on the grounds that plunging ratings are our own fault because of our ham-handed way of handling controversial subjects.

MCSOY Damn it! I won't worry, most of the judges here are Democrats, they'll blindly support us as long as we can blame it on George W. Bush.

DUNK-DUNK!

TRIAL PART 69, 6TH DAY OF SWEEPS

McSoy's in front of the jury arguing passionately.

MCSOY Abu Ghraib proved that our military is nothing but a collection of sadistic psychopaths hell bent on spreading terror and misery everywhere they go.

DEFENCE LAWYER I object. My client has never served in the military.

MCSOY That proves my point. He's a damn Christian Fundamentalist Neo-Con Chicken Hawk who barbecues babies at Halliburton company picnics!

DEFENCE LAWYER Screw this we're leaving.

MCSOY You can't leave! This is my show!

Jack turns back to the jury only to see that they've left. He turns to the judge, who is also gone. He's the only person in an empty courtroom.

MCSOY (CONT'D) Ah, crap.

A WICK DOLF PRODUCTION

4 comments:

Damian G. said...

"69"?!

You pervert!

This was clever; you outta submit it to the Carnival of Comedy!

The Conservative UAW Guy said...

Merry Christmas to you and yours!! :)
Hope this finds you well, happy and safe!

Chris Carlisle said...

"He popped like a ketchup packet."

That's funny.

DesertElephant said...

Heh! I love this. I love Law & Order, but the damned show is starting to make me want to put a .38 sluig through my TiVo. I choose the TiVo rather than the TV because it would be less costly to replace. Though, as a Republican that has never worked an honest day in my life, I should have money to burn.

That's some good Satire Sir Poplar.