RESOLUTION REVOLUTION 2006!

In keeping with the high standard of pseudo-journalism people have come to expect from this blog I’ve uncovered the New Years Resolutions of some pretty heavy hitters. So let’s check them out.

HOWARD DEAN: To keep saying stupid things until the Republicans strengthen their majority in the 2006 elections.

THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA: To express our love for our country by exposing, subverting, endangering, and criticizing every covert counterterrorist operation that’s protecting it.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: To not get hanged, resume shaving my back.

THE C.I.A. : To serve our country by leaking classified information that will endanger its citizens in the vain hope of embarrassing President Bush.

SEN. HILLARY RODHAM-CLINTON: To be more wishy than washy in order to get the Democratic nomination in 2008. Or maybe I should be more washy than wishy?

PAUL MARTIN, PRIME MINISTER OF CANADA: To do and say anything that will help me cling to power.

KARL ROVE: To exploit every stupid thing Howard Dean says. He's the gift that keeps on giving.

JOHN KERRY: To explore new depths of irrelevance, and to snag a medal for that time I stubbed my toe in the hotel in Saigon.

TOM CRUISE: To remember that couches are for sitting, not for jumping, and to convince the world that a high school dropout knows more about psychiatry than all the doctors on this planet.

POPE BENEDICT: To explain to the world that the ban on gay priests was part of my plan to make all gay people get married.

ABU MUSAB AL-ZARQAWI: To live longer than those chowderheads I send out on 'martyrdom missions.' What a pack of 'tards.

USAMA BIN-LADIN: To take Dr. Phil's advice and ask myself if living in a cave and getting bombed is 'really working out for me.'