THE LEAK SPEAKS!

VOX POPLAR: Good evening. This week the United States is abuzz with tales of 'domestic spying' and the leaking of classified information to the media. At the center of this story is New York Times reporter and author James Risen. Welcome Mr. Risen.

JAMES RISEN: It's good to be here.

VOX POPLAR: I think the one or two angry loners who read this blog are wondering about the timing of all this.

JAMES RISEN: I think the timing's great.

VOX POPLAR: Very great for you considering it led to the filibustering of renewal of the Patriot Act, and happened at the exact same time your book was released, even though you had 'broke' this story over a year ago.

JAMES RISEN: It should get me on the New York Times Bestseller list.

VOX POPLAR: Even though it violates national security and could possibly endanger the lives of Americans at home and abroad?

JAMES RISEN: What's good for the New York Times is good for America. So what if there's another 9/11? Another big attack on New York might boost our sagging circulation.

VOX POPLAR: So making money is your motive behind all this?

JAMES RISEN: You can file that under "well d'uh." Of course there's a more noble purpose to all this than racking up some serious green. There's also the chance of embarrassing George W. Bush. Seeing egg on the faces of Republicans on the eve of the mid-term elections is worth any risk.

VOX POPLAR: So accusations of Bush Derangement Syndrome aren't all that far off?

JAMES RISEN: I didn't make George W. Bush the cause of all that's wrong with the world. It's those inbred hicks living in flyover country that put him in the White House.

VOX POPLAR: So it's all democracy's fault?

JAMES RISEN: Damn right. And look at Bush spreading elections like the clap at a swinger's weekend. It's disgusting.

VOX POPLAR: I'm sure it is. Now let's talk about your sources. Even though they are in violation of just about every national security law on the books you will not expose their identity to anyone, not even your own newspaper's ombudsman.

JAMES RISEN: Damn right. They are real patriots who are speaking truth to power!

VOX POPLAR: Can we assume that these are the same sources who told about the interrogation of Abu Zubaydah?

JAMES RISEN: Assume what you like, you'll never get a peep out of me. Besides their information on Zubaydah showed that there was no link between Al Qaida and Saddam Hussein.

VOX POPLAR: What about the part they didn't tell you about?

JAMES RISEN: What part I wasn't told about?

VOX POPLAR: The part of the interrogation that said that even though Zubaydah didn't know and wasn't part of any cooperation with the Hussein regime, Abu Musab Al Zarqawi would be because of his good connections to Hussein's intelligence service.

JAMES RISEN: Oh, that. Well that's inconsequential. My sources told me that there's no connection and I believe these true patriots.

VOX POPLAR: Even though Al Zarqawi was among other terrorists, receiving money, shelter, training, and weapons from the Hussein regime, and now Al Zarqawi runs "Al Qaida in Iraq?"

JAMES RISEN: Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah! I can't hear you! Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah!

VOX POPLAR: Perhaps your newspaper would be spending its resources better if, let's just say, that instead of violating national security, quashing laws that give the government the same abilities to fight terrorists that they have to fight the Mafia, you were to investigate reports of IRS abuses in the long buried Barret Report.

JAMES RISEN: Eeew. We can't do that. Bill Clinton was behind those abuses and exposing them might endanger Hillary's chances for 2008.

VOX POPLAR: Finally, an honest answer. Now I know you won't tell anyone who your source in the CIA is, but I have a surprise. It's none other than your very own confidential source, CIA agent and blabbermouth G. Gordon Leaky.

G. GORDON LEAKY: It's good to be here. Nice to see you Jimmy.

JAMES RISEN: Good to see you too.

VOX POPLAR: Aren't you worried about appearing on this blog? What with the possibility of treason charges and all that hanging over your head?

G. GORDON LEAKY: Well, for one thing, who reads this blog but a bunch of inbred hicks in their pajamas who got lost on their way to 'Boobies.Com.' And it's not like the Mainstream Media's going to report on any of this. They're very good at ignoring things like the Air America money scandal, or even something big like the elections in Iraq. I'm feeling pretty secure.

VOX POPLAR: Mr. Leaky. Could you tell me why so many people in the CIA, like Michael 'Anonymous' Scheur, Valerie Plame, and countless others like yourself, are working so hard to violate the security of a nation you're sworn to protect?

G. GORDON LEAKY: That's a very easy question to answer. We're all Democrats, and getting Democrats back in congress and in the White House trumps everything, even the safety of American lives. Besides, I'm already working on a book deal and George Clooney's going to play me in the movie version.

VOX POPLAR: Good for you.

G. GORDON LEAKY: Face it, the only time the CIA doesn't screw the pooch is when we're the villains in Hollywood movies. In reality we're more Three Stooges than James Bond.

VOX POPLAR: Do you have anything else you'd like to share with my pajama clad audience?

G. GORDON LEAKY: Well, I do have a hot rumor that could embarrass the Bush Administration.

JAMES RISEN: You see he's a true patriot and an American hero.

G. GORDON LEAKY: But it might also embarrass some big Democrats.

JAMES RISEN: Evil foul leaker! I demand a special prosecutor! Where's my special prosecutor!

VOX POPLAR: That's all for tonight folks. Goodbye.