A Special Guest Commentary by Saddam Hussein.
How’s it hanging?
Hmmm, bad choice of words since I’m facing the noose myself. How about...
How’s it going, eh?
Well things aren’t looking that bright over here at Camp Hussein. In fact, the brighter it looks for the common Iraqi people the darker it looks for yours truly.
It looks like the new Iraqi constitution, the first passed by popular vote in the Arab world, has passed.
It was a disgusting display of democracy in action. Everyone was allowed to vote on it, Shiites, Kurds, Sunni, Christians, I get freaking chills just thinking about it.
They even let me vote on it if you can believe it.
Let me tell you that I voted "No" on the constitution. Not because of its pro-democratic stance, its guarantees of the rights of women and minorities, or that it frowns upon genocide, the thing that really burns my cous-cous is the "Hang Saddam Clause."
Sheesh, I think they’re taking all this a little personally though.
I mean that doesn’t look to good for me, does it?
Then there’s my trial.
Damn, I’m looking at getting my neck stretched all for killing a few hundred thousand people, and the best strategy my lawyers can think up is that I act defiant and refuse to recognize anyone’s authority.
Great strategy Perry Mason.
Perhaps you can figure out how I can refuse to recognize the law of gravity when the hangman pulls the switch. That would be a great help, you pack of nutless wonders.
I probably should have handled the whole "Kill Israel" thing differently during my time as Iraq’s leader, because I could sure use a good Jewish lawyer right about now. I need Allan Dershowitz I definitely don’t need a dingus like Ramsey Clark patting my shoulder a little longer than necessary and telling me how "manly" I was for standing up to the Great Satan.
With this legal team, I might be better off if I piss my pants in courts and pretend to be all coo-coo bonkers and hope they take pity on the lunatic.
It won’t work, but it’s still better than their idea of standing defiantly while the noose is being put around my neck. Screw that, I’m going out of this world the way I came in, bawling my eyes out and buck naked.
The lawyers tell me, "Don’t worry Saddam. The insurgency will put you back in power in under a year."
I might be in a prison cell, but I know that Abu-Musab-Al-Numb-Nuts is about as likely to conquer Iraq, as Michael Jackson is likely to have a comeback as a NFL linebacker.
The only people who don’t think of Zarqawi as anything but a murdering dim-bulb scumbag are the western media who think the sun, moon & stars shine out of his back passage because he blows up innocent people in places they can film without leaving their hotel.
That’s a hell of a way to win a war. All he’s really achieving is getting a lot of the Iraqi people pissed off at him. That leads to a bigger and highly motivated Iraqi army, backed up by Uncle Sam’s seemingly unlimited supply of premium canned whoop-ass.
Sure, he’s got Syria to use as a hideout, but old Bashar’s been hanging by a thread since losing Lebanon and his cabinet meetings are looking more like a casting call from Dawn of the Dead.
The Ayatollahs or Iran are also meddling, but they’ve got their own problems and will probably be in my position within five years.
Boy, now that I look back on it, I’ve been a real asshole my whole life.
I guess that little tidbit finally sunk in when the only cards I got for Ramadan were from George Galloway and Cindy Sheehan.
If that ain’t a sign you’re up shit creek without a paddle, I don’t what is.
I gotta go now. Another meeting with the brain-trust in charge of my defense, and I leave with this simple message.
Allan Dershowitz, if you can read this, call me.