In television the opinions and beliefs of limousine liberals are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups. The actors who play out the Democratic Party's talking points, and the millionaire producers who use them to keep their memberships in the Hamptons country club. These are their stories...



Detectives MONTANA and BREEN come out of their car. An NBC SECURITY GUARD is standing watch over a bloody sheet that's covering a lump on the sidewalk.

MONTANA What have you got?

NBC SECURITY It's pretty bad.

BREEN Let's have a look.

The NBC Guard lifts up a sheet. Both Montana and Breen look ready to hurl.

BREEN (CONT'D) Man, that must have been a bad fall.

MONTANA He popped like a ketchup packet. Any ID on him?

NBC SECURITY Yeah, says here that he's the ratings for our show.

MONTANA Another one. If our ratings keep falling like this we'll be lucky to score a sitcom on UPN.

BREEN The ratings could be falling of their own accord. Maybe audiences just aren't happy with our show anymore.

MONTANA Don't be a retard. We make episodes slandering America's troops, government, and citizens based on wild conspiracy theories concocted by Michael Moore and MoveOn.Org. How can the American audience not love it.

BREEN What do we do?

MONTANA What we always do. Poke around until we find a religious person or potential Republican voter and arrest him for it.

BREEN Okay, but the religious person has to be a Christian. Because we all know it's racist to imply that any Muslim ever did anything to harm anyone in New York.

The two detectives head off, completely ignoring the gap in the skyline where the World Trade Centre used to be.



Montana and Breen kick open the door, guns drawn, scaring the crap out of JOE BLOW, an average fellow having breakfast and reading a newspaper.

MONTANA Freeze dirtbag!

JOE BLOW What the hell!

BREEN Look at that!

Breen points to a cross hanging on the living room wall.

MONTANA My god, he's one of those Christians. (to Joe) Keep your hands up sicko.

Montana cuffs Joe while Breen goes through the room.

BREEN Look at his newspaper.

MONTANA It's not the New York Times, and it's actually acknowledging the Iraqi election! You filthy flyover Red State bastard! Let's bring him in.



BLANCH Do you think arresting this Joe Blow fellow is going to keep our ratings from plunging.

Assistant DA Jack McSoy leaps from his chair and start ranting passionately.

MCSOY It has to. An example must be made to show these law abiding Christian Republicans that they're the cause of all the crime and misery in the world.

BLANCH You know, constantly blaming America and the majority of its citizens for all the world's ills might be the reason our ratings are taking swan dives. Then again, I'm just the occassional voice of reason and no one is really supposed to listen to me anyway, even though I'm usually right.

MCSOY I'm taking this to trial. There will be no deals.

Enter attractive brunette Junior DA Burqa.

BURQA We might have a problem. Joe Blow's lawyers have filed a motion to get the charges dismissed on the grounds that plunging ratings are our own fault because of our ham-handed way of handling controversial subjects.

MCSOY Damn it! I won't worry, most of the judges here are Democrats, they'll blindly support us as long as we can blame it on George W. Bush.



McSoy's in front of the jury arguing passionately.

MCSOY Abu Ghraib proved that our military is nothing but a collection of sadistic psychopaths hell bent on spreading terror and misery everywhere they go.

DEFENCE LAWYER I object. My client has never served in the military.

MCSOY That proves my point. He's a damn Christian Fundamentalist Neo-Con Chicken Hawk who barbecues babies at Halliburton company picnics!

DEFENCE LAWYER Screw this we're leaving.

MCSOY You can't leave! This is my show!

Jack turns back to the jury only to see that they've left. He turns to the judge, who is also gone. He's the only person in an empty courtroom.

MCSOY (CONT'D) Ah, crap.



The Poplar Report

DATELINE LONDON: Lefty literary salon Verso Press has released a volume of the collected statements of radical-chic mass murderer Usama Bin Ladin. Now the book is a lot of the same old-same old that we've come to expect from a literary lion like Bin Ladin. The usual turgid calls for death to the Americans, Jews, women, gays, atheists, Christians, artists and writers, you know, the usual stuff supported by the 'Progressive Left,' but the really interesting stuff is what was left out of this collection. So here are the Bin Ladin statements that the editors at Verso didn't think were 'revolutionary enough.'

"You know, I really, really like fudge. I know, it goes straight to my thighs, but I love it."

"My kidneys are fine. Zawahiri's a doctor and he says it's normal for a man my age to pee blood occassionally."

"I call for more Jihadis to join our sacred war against the Zionists and Crusaders! But before you come to you training camp, can you pick up a bottle of Chin & Cheeks Beard Shampoo. I've been stuck in this cave for months and my beard is a freaking nightmare of tangles."

"Damn, those Yanks sure do have a shitload of bombs. I like really underestimated that."

"Who the hell farted?"

"I love those lefty westerners. We pledge to kill them and they love us for it. Boy, I'd love to see the looks on their faces when my Caliphate comes to power. Come to think about it, I could have their heads mounted and that way I can see those looks forever."

Pretty heady stuff.

DATELINE: NEW YORK/HOLLYWOOD: Time Magazine has named its People of the Year for 2005. This time it's uber-billionaire Bill Gates, his wife Melinda and Rock star/Cause Whore Bono from the band U2.

They were named for their dedication to eradicating poverty and disease in the 3rd World. Bill and Melinda Gates for their foundation that spends hundreds of millions of dollars fighting poverty and disease and Bono for being a celebrity who's really good at posing as a philanthropist.

If time wanted to 'sex up' the People of the Year with a celebrity they should have named Angelina Jolie. At least with her there's at least 2 Third World kids getting food, clothing and shelter, which is two more than any that Bono can claim.

Bono defended his work by stating "That it's perfectly reasonable for a multimillionaire who doesn't pay taxes to demand that working class people spend their tax dollars relieving the debts of countries run by corrupt dictatorships that have no incentive to reform or actually improve the lives of their people. Besides, I've got a world tour to promote and nothing sells tickets better than a stack of starving Africans."


Murder or Martyr

VOX: Good evening ladies and germs and welcome to the web's most popular game show "Murderer or Martyr?" Where our celebrity guests will try to figure out who's a murder and who's a martyr. Going head to head tonight are unemployed actor and self-employed activist Mike Farrell, and Nobel Prize winning playwright and crank Harold Pinter. First up, Mike Farrell. Tookie Williams. Murderer or Martyr?

MIKE FARRELL: I'll say martyr.

VOX: Sorry, you are dead wrong. He, is in fact, a murderer.

MIKE FARRELL: But he wrote some kid's books?

VOX: Yes, but he still murdered for people because of their race. You can still get some points if you answer this follow-up question. Would you try to save Tookie Williams if he was a white supremacist skinhead gang leader who killed an African American store clerk and a Chinese family, later wrote a book telling kids to avoid joining the Klan, but still denied any responsibility for his actions?

MIKE FARRELL: Eeewww! Hell no.

VOX: One point for admitting your own hypocrisy. But will it help you beat Harold here. Harold Pinter, Slobodan Milosevic: Murderer or Martyr?

HAROLD PINTER: Obviously he's a martyr to the blood soaked cause of American Imperialism. He's just misunderstood like Hitler or Saddam Hussein.

VOX: Sorry, you're wrong. But you can still get one point and tie with BJ Hunnicutt if you get this question right. Would Milosevic still be a martyr if he was overthrown by a military intervention by Russia?

HAROLD PINTER: Of course, Russia's not like America or Israel. They don't push around other countries and enslave whole continents with their democracy. Russia, especially under the good old days would never do anything to anyone unless they were truly evil.

VOX: So Poland, Hungary, Czechoslovakia, Afghanistan, and all the other nations oppressed by Russia were evil?

HAROLD PINTER: Don't be daft. Of course they're evil. They tried to live without the gentle guiding hand of Josef Stalin. That has to be evil.

VOX: Well, there are no points for Harold. So that makes Mike Farrell our winner.

MIKE FARRELL: What did I win?

VOX: A trip for two to Iran. One way. Now that I think about it. You can take Harold with you.

MIKE FARRELL: Woo-hoo! finally I can get out of this hell-hole of America and see a real freedom in action. Let's go Harold!

HAROLD PINTER: I'll gladly toss off the shackles of this foul western world and be truly free in Iran.

VOX: By the way Harold, tell them about your beliefs on religion, I'm sure they'll be glad to hear it.


Canadian Election Exclusive

Hi. I know it's been a while, but I'm back with the scoop of the Canadian Election Season, that time of year normally called Christmas. I have the upcoming campaign slogans of all the major political parties.

Let's get the ball rolling with the Liberal Party:

  • Paul Martin's not a crook, he's just an idiot.
  • Steven Harper is a big fat poopy pants.
  • Why vote for the Tory's hidden agenda, when you can vote for ours.
  • The Liberals: We're not only corrupt, we're incompetent.
  • The Liberals: Thank God Ontario Voters are Sheep.
  • The Liberals: You can't call us 'Organised Crime' because we're not organised.
  • The Liberals: Promises we never keep, Legislation you didn't vote for.

The Conservative Party:

  • Sure Harper's dull, but he isn't a crook.
  • The Conservatives: Come on, don't be an idiot.
  • Steven Harper: The other white meat.

The New Democratic Party:

  • Jack Layton: Looks like a ferret, eats like one too.
  • The NDP: Making Tommy Douglas spin in his grave since the 1980's.
  • The NDP: We don't do the bidding of the corporation's because we're already the union's bitch.

The Bloc Quebecois:

  • We've run their country for 30 years, now lets run our own into the ground.

The Green Party:

  • When the NDP seems 'too right wing.'

The Marijuana Party:

  • What? There's an election? Damn, we must have completely zoned on the date... whoah... my hands are so huge...