I Don't Want To Set The World On Fire...

A SPECIAL GUEST COMMENTARY BY
MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD
PRESIDENT OF THE ISLAMIC REPUBLIC OF IRAN

How’s it hanging?

It’s me Mahmoud Ahmadinejad the President of the Right and Downright Nuke-a-licious Republic of Iran otherwise known as Iraq’s Wacky Neighbor. Or as the folks around here call me: DA MAN.

That’s right I am officially the most scary-riffic dude to walk the Earth in a long time. All thanks to that most wonderful invention called the Atomic Bomb or the Islamic Bomb as I like to call it.

Thanks to my big-ass oil reserves and my ongoing ‘nuclear fuel for electricity’ program I’ve got everyone quaking in their boots and I’m feeling like a really big dude.

But enough about me, I wanna talk about the other so-called ‘scary-dude’ out there. You know who I’m talking about the Wild Wahabi himself Osama Bin Laden.

Now he’s been stealing my press lately with some lame-ass tape (doesn’t he know everyone who’s everyone is podcasting these days) his band of bearded bumboys got on Al-Jazeera. In it he cranked and wanked about how he was going to put an Allah-sized smack down on the Great Satan, namely you, but then he goes ahead and offers, or all things, a truce.

True, the truce is just a pissy little shell game where he digs up a bunch of cry-baby talking points from that Murtha dude, Michael Moore and The Daily Kos in a lame attempt to buy some time because his whole organization’s sinking and he’s gasping for air.

Face it he doesn’t have as many friends as he used to have. Saddam’s gone, (& don’t you give me any of that ‘no Saddam/Al Qaeda connection’ B.S. or I’ll be forced to slap you) his buddies in the Saudi hoi-polloi have gone all yellow bellied, and the Pakistani Intelligence is looking at playing bullet catch if Musharaff catches them looking at anyone cross-eyed.

Osama feels that he needs time where he’s not pissing in a cave or running to save his hairy ass to rebuild his organization and recruit some more suicide morons bombers. Apparently getting your ass blown up six ways from Sunday for the vague promise of 77 virgins isn’t as appealing as it once was. That’s why he’s begging for a truce; even though he knows that Bush ain’t gonna buy it.

Well, we have a word here in Iran for a fellow who goes playing the ‘truce’ game just because his army’s falling apart.

Pussy.

That’s right; Osama’s a pussy, a wimp, a 98 pound weakling who runs into his cave whenever Big Bad Biff Bush kicks sand in his face.

He’s not in any way like me, the Charles Atlas of Islamic Fascism.

I don’t take shit from Bush, from the European Union eunuchs or from anyone. They can rant and rave and condemn me when I threaten to nuke Israel, but they can’t faze me, or scare into calling for a phony-baloney truce.

Sure my country’s falling apart. I’ve got armed uprisings among the Arab minority; a disillusioned youth that are giving up on Islam and embracing everything from atheism to Zoroaster, my top military brass are dropping like flies, and our national economy’s circling the bottom of the toilet bowl even though we've got oil up the wazoo, but I’m not going to let that bother me, or dissuade me from my destiny.

You see, I’ve been chosen by the Big Man Himself to do the sacred duty of spreading terror, death, hatred and genocide.

Sure I had my doubts at the beginning. Not all my past ideas were exactly hits. My attempt to become the Hugh Hefner of the Middle East with the magazine JiHotties tanked. Some say it was because men didn’t want to buy a mag with nothing in it but photos of women in full burka wraps and articles by Norman Mailer, but I blame those pesky Zionists.

I knew I was doing the will of the Big Dude Above when I was speaking at the United Nations. While I was talking I was showered in a brilliant golden light and a little voice told me that I was on the right track.

Sure, the infidels would call that schizophrenia, but I prefer to call it Divine Inspiration.

Let me tell you, it was the best Golden Shower I ever had, and if you’re like me, and wired to the Divine, you get Golden Showered a lot.

Anyhoo.

So that’s why I’m a bigger badass than Osama Bin-Lapdog, and that’s why everybody’s scared of me. They know I’m more than just a nut looking for the A-Bomb, I’m practically touched.

Toodles, and death to the Infidel.

~Mahmoud.

Les Option Nuclear

A Special Guest Commentary by

Dominique DeVillepin

Prime Minister of France

Allo. Bonjour.

It is me, diplomat, raconteur, intellectual, ladies man, international weasel, and Prime Meenister of France Dominique De Villepin. I vould like to take a moment to tank Monsieur Poplar for letting me borrow his blog so I can explain to ze two or tree angry loners ‘oo actually read zis ting.

Anyway.

I ‘ear you are all abuzz about ze declaration by my President, ze lovely an’ fragrant Jacques Chirac, zat the great nation of France will use ze weapons nuclear against countries ‘oo back ze terrorism against us.

You see, France is a nation most civilized. We don’t ‘ave ze death penalty, ve tolerate ze violence and ze burning of ze cars perpetrated by ze Muslim yutes, and ve are always ze first to condemn les barbarians like ze Americanes when zey overtrow ze dictators ve amour so much.

Zat’s why we reserve ze right to do ze civilized ting and toss les weapons nuclear at ze countries 'oo dare to displease us.

You see only a tooly civilized nation like ze great state of France can understand zat ze best way to handle les terroristes is to kill as many innocent people as possible. Only a backward state like ze Americans would be so barbaric to overthrow les dictators an’ zink zat ze Arabs can enjoy ze democracy an’ ze freedom.

Vat a pack of ze rubes as your hillbillies are fond of saying. Ze people of ze Middle East are not... um...

What is ze word?

Blanc?

I got it, zey are not white enough to enjoy ze democracy and ze freedom. Zat is vy ve keep our own citizens in ze ghettoes and keep zem from getting ze bonne education, ze jobs decent, or from practicing ze assimilation because of zeir ethnicity. You may call us les racistes, but ve are joost expressing vat it tooly means to be French.

So don’t dare condemn France when Mecca is ze big smoking hole and ze whole monde de Islamique goes on ze beserk.

Remember zis les ignorant Americaines, overthrowing ze dictators an' spreading ze democracy is most barbarique, but a willingness to commit ze genocide on ze scale most grand is what makes a nation tooly civilized.

Canadian Election Exclusive

As the Great White North enters the last leg of its most hotly contested election in years the ruling Liberal Party is getting desperate.

Now every Canadian has heard the controversy of the 'soldiers in our streets' ad, but that's not the only one in their repertoire. Here I have the Liberal Party's upcoming attack ads.

Stephen Harper wants to put more police in Canadian cities to combat our skyrocketing crime rate.

Police.

Police with guns.

Police with guns on our streets arresting criminals.

Is that the kind of Canada we want.

Choose your Canada

The message brought to you by the Liberal Party of Canada.

--------------------------------------------

We're not saying that Stephen Harper put this adorable kitten into a dryer...

But he might have, we can't watch him 24 hours a day.

CHOOSE YOUR CANADA

VOTE LIBERAL

----------------------------------------------

Wow, they convinced me.

But it's not all attack ads. The Liberals are also trying to sell the charm and achievements of their leader Paul Martin.

PAUL MARTIN

He's not a crook, he's just an idiot.

How can they lose with such a braintrust behind them?

THE LEAK SPEAKS!

VOX POPLAR: Good evening. This week the United States is abuzz with tales of 'domestic spying' and the leaking of classified information to the media. At the center of this story is New York Times reporter and author James Risen. Welcome Mr. Risen.

JAMES RISEN: It's good to be here.

VOX POPLAR: I think the one or two angry loners who read this blog are wondering about the timing of all this.

JAMES RISEN: I think the timing's great.

VOX POPLAR: Very great for you considering it led to the filibustering of renewal of the Patriot Act, and happened at the exact same time your book was released, even though you had 'broke' this story over a year ago.

JAMES RISEN: It should get me on the New York Times Bestseller list.

VOX POPLAR: Even though it violates national security and could possibly endanger the lives of Americans at home and abroad?

JAMES RISEN: What's good for the New York Times is good for America. So what if there's another 9/11? Another big attack on New York might boost our sagging circulation.

VOX POPLAR: So making money is your motive behind all this?

JAMES RISEN: You can file that under "well d'uh." Of course there's a more noble purpose to all this than racking up some serious green. There's also the chance of embarrassing George W. Bush. Seeing egg on the faces of Republicans on the eve of the mid-term elections is worth any risk.

VOX POPLAR: So accusations of Bush Derangement Syndrome aren't all that far off?

JAMES RISEN: I didn't make George W. Bush the cause of all that's wrong with the world. It's those inbred hicks living in flyover country that put him in the White House.

VOX POPLAR: So it's all democracy's fault?

JAMES RISEN: Damn right. And look at Bush spreading elections like the clap at a swinger's weekend. It's disgusting.

VOX POPLAR: I'm sure it is. Now let's talk about your sources. Even though they are in violation of just about every national security law on the books you will not expose their identity to anyone, not even your own newspaper's ombudsman.

JAMES RISEN: Damn right. They are real patriots who are speaking truth to power!

VOX POPLAR: Can we assume that these are the same sources who told about the interrogation of Abu Zubaydah?

JAMES RISEN: Assume what you like, you'll never get a peep out of me. Besides their information on Zubaydah showed that there was no link between Al Qaida and Saddam Hussein.

VOX POPLAR: What about the part they didn't tell you about?

JAMES RISEN: What part I wasn't told about?

VOX POPLAR: The part of the interrogation that said that even though Zubaydah didn't know and wasn't part of any cooperation with the Hussein regime, Abu Musab Al Zarqawi would be because of his good connections to Hussein's intelligence service.

JAMES RISEN: Oh, that. Well that's inconsequential. My sources told me that there's no connection and I believe these true patriots.

VOX POPLAR: Even though Al Zarqawi was among other terrorists, receiving money, shelter, training, and weapons from the Hussein regime, and now Al Zarqawi runs "Al Qaida in Iraq?"

JAMES RISEN: Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah! I can't hear you! Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah!

VOX POPLAR: Perhaps your newspaper would be spending its resources better if, let's just say, that instead of violating national security, quashing laws that give the government the same abilities to fight terrorists that they have to fight the Mafia, you were to investigate reports of IRS abuses in the long buried Barret Report.

JAMES RISEN: Eeew. We can't do that. Bill Clinton was behind those abuses and exposing them might endanger Hillary's chances for 2008.

VOX POPLAR: Finally, an honest answer. Now I know you won't tell anyone who your source in the CIA is, but I have a surprise. It's none other than your very own confidential source, CIA agent and blabbermouth G. Gordon Leaky.

G. GORDON LEAKY: It's good to be here. Nice to see you Jimmy.

JAMES RISEN: Good to see you too.

VOX POPLAR: Aren't you worried about appearing on this blog? What with the possibility of treason charges and all that hanging over your head?

G. GORDON LEAKY: Well, for one thing, who reads this blog but a bunch of inbred hicks in their pajamas who got lost on their way to 'Boobies.Com.' And it's not like the Mainstream Media's going to report on any of this. They're very good at ignoring things like the Air America money scandal, or even something big like the elections in Iraq. I'm feeling pretty secure.

VOX POPLAR: Mr. Leaky. Could you tell me why so many people in the CIA, like Michael 'Anonymous' Scheur, Valerie Plame, and countless others like yourself, are working so hard to violate the security of a nation you're sworn to protect?

G. GORDON LEAKY: That's a very easy question to answer. We're all Democrats, and getting Democrats back in congress and in the White House trumps everything, even the safety of American lives. Besides, I'm already working on a book deal and George Clooney's going to play me in the movie version.

VOX POPLAR: Good for you.

G. GORDON LEAKY: Face it, the only time the CIA doesn't screw the pooch is when we're the villains in Hollywood movies. In reality we're more Three Stooges than James Bond.

VOX POPLAR: Do you have anything else you'd like to share with my pajama clad audience?

G. GORDON LEAKY: Well, I do have a hot rumor that could embarrass the Bush Administration.

JAMES RISEN: You see he's a true patriot and an American hero.

G. GORDON LEAKY: But it might also embarrass some big Democrats.

JAMES RISEN: Evil foul leaker! I demand a special prosecutor! Where's my special prosecutor!

VOX POPLAR: That's all for tonight folks. Goodbye.

RESOLUTION REVOLUTION 2006!

In keeping with the high standard of pseudo-journalism people have come to expect from this blog I’ve uncovered the New Years Resolutions of some pretty heavy hitters. So let’s check them out.

HOWARD DEAN: To keep saying stupid things until the Republicans strengthen their majority in the 2006 elections.

THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA: To express our love for our country by exposing, subverting, endangering, and criticizing every covert counterterrorist operation that’s protecting it.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: To not get hanged, resume shaving my back.

THE C.I.A. : To serve our country by leaking classified information that will endanger its citizens in the vain hope of embarrassing President Bush.

SEN. HILLARY RODHAM-CLINTON: To be more wishy than washy in order to get the Democratic nomination in 2008. Or maybe I should be more washy than wishy?

PAUL MARTIN, PRIME MINISTER OF CANADA: To do and say anything that will help me cling to power.

KARL ROVE: To exploit every stupid thing Howard Dean says. He's the gift that keeps on giving.

JOHN KERRY: To explore new depths of irrelevance, and to snag a medal for that time I stubbed my toe in the hotel in Saigon.

TOM CRUISE: To remember that couches are for sitting, not for jumping, and to convince the world that a high school dropout knows more about psychiatry than all the doctors on this planet.

POPE BENEDICT: To explain to the world that the ban on gay priests was part of my plan to make all gay people get married.

ABU MUSAB AL-ZARQAWI: To live longer than those chowderheads I send out on 'martyrdom missions.' What a pack of 'tards.

USAMA BIN-LADIN: To take Dr. Phil's advice and ask myself if living in a cave and getting bombed is 'really working out for me.'