And now a few minutes with Andy Rooney...

You know what really bugs me?

People who are trying to kill me. That really bugs me.

Naturally I try to think about the reasons why people want to kill me. This week with all the talk about 9/11, I've been able to spare a few moments from griping about airline peanuts or the price of shoes to figure it all out.

People want to kill me because I'm an American.

It's not like I wanted to be an American, I was born that way, can't help it. But there must be some reason why people want to kill Americans.

Now I could probably take some time to consider the bigotry, fascist tendencies, and religious zealotry of those who hate us, but that would be racist, so I'm going to completely ignore that part of the argument.

And that only leaves me with one thing.

We, as Americans, must have done something to piss these people off.

It has to be our fault.

Nobody else on Earth is really capable of any thought or action that's in anyway independent of the things we, as Americans, do.

It must be our fault, so I've made up this list of things we could do to make people stop hating us:

1. Eliminate variety in religion. We let Jews, Buddhists, Hindus, and over a dozen varieties of Christians run wild in this country. It makes us look wishy-washy and that seems to leave a lot of people on this planet confused and angry. So let's pick one religion and stick with it, like that Adam Gadahn fellow suggested.

2. Stop being so damn tolerant. Not only do we let a whole bunch of religious folks loose in this country, but we also appear to be tolerating homosexuals. Sure, those Nazis in the religious right won't let them marry, but they're not having them stoned to death, and that ticks people off.

3. Stop being so damn successful. We've built the richest and most powerful country on Earth through hard work and the sort of creativity found only in free societies. We must stop that immediately. Folks are graciously inviting us to join them in living in the 7th century, but, greedy bunch we are, we're sticking with the 21st. That's really rude and deserves the suicide bombings and mass murders they throw our way.

4. Stop defending ourselves. I think we've learned from Israel's recent experience in Lebanon that defending your liberty and your lives just isn't worth it when you're making people angry. So let's stop protecting our so-called freedom, prosperity and diversity. It's only making them hate us even more.

So let's give up our mad policy of prosperity, freedom, tolerance, and self-defence, it's only making folks hate us more. Goodnight.