EVERYTHING'S COMING UP MAHMOUD!

A TRANSLATED EXCERPT FROM
MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD'S PERSONAL BLOG.

MAHMOUD'S MAD-LIBS!

CATEGORY: Happy Talk
MOOD: Happy :D
MUSIC: Karma Chameleon -Culture Club

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Howdy homies...

Let me just say that everything's coming up Mahmoud!

Yep, that's right. Things are really going my way lately. I got those American infidel swine dog monkey fornicators backing off now that the Democrats are back in power in the House and Senate doing everything they can to make sure America does nothing.

I got everybody in the region and their sister coming down to my crib to give me the royal ass-kissing. I got big name politicos in the Infidel West talking about making me, of all people, a "partner in peace" in Iraq. I got the American MSM printing whatever Hezbollah, Al Qaida and the Mahdi Army wants them to because it fits their anti-Republican agenda, and I'm getting closer to my dream of atomic genocide every day.

If I believed in Christmas, instead of wanting to kill all who celebrate it, I'd have thought Santa had put me on top of his "Nice" list by some terrible mistake.


Right now the only fly in my falafel is that pesky little snow-covered turd of a country Canada. They actually have the unmitigated brass cojones to put forward a motion in the United Nations condeming IRAN for our human rights record.

What is Canada's major malfunction?

All we do is imprison, torture, and/or execute homosexuals, rape victims, human rights activists, feminists, journalists, and anyone who happens to look at us cock-eyed.

What's wrong with that?

Damn, I'm starting to believe those Canadians think the UN exists for some purpose other than condeming Israel and having their peacekeepers pimp children.

Oh well, can't let that little pissant country ruin what's looking like a glorious time for me and my pal, the coming Mahdi. I'll just have our parliament accuse Canada of spying, execute some dork for being ugly without a permit, have my pals in the UN kill the resolution, and laugh while my new Russian missiles get new nuclear warheads.

Happy days indeed.

Peace OUT!

It's Getting Drafty In The House...

A PAID POLITICAL
ANNOUNCEMENT BY
REP. CHARLES RANGEL (D-NY)

My fellow Americans, we are at a crossroads. There is a grievous threat to the plans of my fellow Democrats to de-fund the war in Iraq, pull out our troops and pave the way for mass slaughter and rampant Islamism in the oil rich Persian Gulf.

That threat is good troop morale.

Despite all the efforts of congressional Democrats and our friends in the mainstream media to portray them as bloodthirsty psychopathic killers, inbred illiterate incompetents, or pathetic losers, and their mission as part of a grand conspiracy for Halliburton and Israel, surveys show that a majority still believes in their mission and in their role as volunteer members of the United States Military.

We cannot allow such positive feeling to exist in the military of the United States while we are in a state of war. If it keeps up we might actually win the damn thing and that would get the Republicans re-elected.

That's why I'm proposing the reinstatement of the draft.

If the members of the military are too busy feeling good about themselves and their mission then we have no choice than to flood their ranks with people that the military doesn't want who also don't want to be there.

Only through the destruction of the military's spirit can we finally end this war through American surrender and radical Islamist victory.

And that high spirit is evidence of why we need a draft in the first place. An all volunteer military must be comprised of essentially the semi-retarded scum of the Earth.

I mean who else would join the US military during wartime?

Patriots?

Believers in democracy and freedom?

People who actually like being in the military?

Puh-leeze.

Who could possibly support a democratic system that allows a shameless attention whore, self-hating American, and political opportunist like me a position of importance in the Congress.

It has to be the blood money the military's paying these inbred hillbillies who are too dumb to ask if you 'want fries with that' to sign up.

Now any draft system would naturally leave wide openings for the children of the rich and politically connected to get out, but that's essential, upscale draft-dodgers are the Democratic Party's base, and we can't afford to lose them.

Now I'm sure a lot of you blood-sucking Republican types would drag out all kinds of studies and stats that show that the enlistment goals are being met and that the average member of the military is neither poor, nor uneducated and that servicemen and women tend to be more intelligent, educated, and prosperous than their civilian counterparts, and I have one answer to that.

SO WHAT?

This is a Democratic Party program we're talking about, it's supposed to be unwanted, unneccessary, expensive, corrupt to the core, and serve only one purpose, the destruction of military morale and the defeat of the United States and any political party lame enough to defend it.

And I'll leave you with these words of wisdom I recently gave on television.

The Poplar Report: All the news THE MAN doesn't want you to hear.

Buddhist monk in Thailand neuters himself over a spontaneous... well, visit from Mr. Happy. Sad, psychotic, but true.

Prisoner on weekend release arrested for burgling the warden's house. He will now be moved to the cellblock for the really stupid prisoners.

All hail the Mighty & Merciful Ikea and its holy symbol of that little wrench thingy.

PETA should now be called PETPA, People for the Ethical Treatment of PHONY Animals.

Finally, a cause worth brawling over.

Patterico: LA Times=Al Qaida Mouthpiece?

Patterico has a must read post about the LA Times and their use of 'stringers' to handle the bulk of reporting out of Iraq and how those stringers mysteriously repeat Islamist Terrorist propaganda.

Can we trust anything the MSM is saying about Iraq these days?

Oh those Whacky Protesters...

The lovely and delicately scented folks at IMAO posted a picture of 'Peace Mom' Cindy Sheehan and Code Pink's Medea 'Money for Terrorists' Benjamin in support of North Korea's Kim Jong-Il. On it they mispelled the very simple word BASE as BSAE.

Not wanting some prime comic ground to go unfarmed a blank version of that sign was posted and folks could put in their own messages.

I made these. Enjoy.

If I Did It? Maybe?

A GUEST COMMENTARY BY
OJ "The Juice" SIMPSON

Hi.

It's been a long time, but I'm back with a new book and a freaking TV special about how I murdered might have my ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and that poor innocent bystander Ron Goldman.

Now I'm sure you've got a lot of questions. Things like:

Did You Kill Them?

Why Did You Kill Them?

And this classic chestnut:

What is your major malfunction, numbnuts?

Well don't expect any real answers about the double homicide. I had my ghostwriters put everything in a nice hypothetical style, so if you're expecting a real confession, forget it.

And as to my major malfunction?

Well, I'm a raving narcissist.

I crave attention so badly, I would endanger the mental health of my own children by going on television and print to discuss how I killed might have killed their mother. I mean I was once a celebrity, now I'm a bad punchline. I gotta get back on at least the 'B' list.

I'm also trying to get on the next season of 'Dancing With The Stars.' However, the producers of that show are having a hard time getting me a partner.

So buy my book and watch my TV special, or I'll kill you!

I mean, I might have killed you.

Toodles.

I Gotcha Runnin' Now Ya Biatches!

A Special Guest Commentary
by
Abu Hamza al-Muhajir
(Commander of Al-Qaida in Iraq)

Yo there imperialist infidel swine-dogs! It's me Abu Hamz al-Mujahir, AKA Abu Ayyub al-Masri, AKA the Old Dirty Jihadi, AKA the Future Sultan of Iraq. Just droppin' my to give a big shout-out to those cats in the Democratic Party. Good to see you do so well in that there infidel election thing of yours.

And I'm wishing you Democratic cats all the best of luck doing everything you can to completely cripple your "lame duck" president and destroy the war effort. Khamenei in Iran's doing it, so why can't I daddy-o?

However, I do have one question.

When the soonest you can get the ball rolling in destroying the war effort and Iraq's fledgeling democracy?

You see, we can't wait much longer for you to impose insane withdrawal timetables, paralyze your country's government with budget battles and pointless impeachment investigations over how many times Bush farted the day he ordered Saddam to be overthrown, and block every Bush nominee, regardless of qualifications, because we're getting our asses kicked.

No, I'm being serious here. For every one of your boys that gets killed in Iraq, I'm like losing 10. That ain't healthy. I know you believe that Bush is making more terrorists, but if you look at the short bus rejects we're forced to take as Jihadi recruits, you'd think differently.

And if though it sticks in my craw to ask for help from a woman too whore-like to wear a burqa I really need your Queen Pelosi to put the proverbial pedal to the metal and get this war lost.

Because if you Democrats don't lose the war, we will.

And you Democrats can't allow that.

Can you?

Anyway, death to America, death to the infidels, you'll all perish in a river of blood, yadda-yadda-yadda, I gotta run.

Literally.

Smell you later, dudes.

1 on 1 with Seymour Hersh

VOX POPLAR- Welcome, today I go one on one with journalist, raconteur, and rabble-rouser Seymour Hersh about recent comments he made about the US military in Iraq at a speech at McGill University in Montreal, Canada. For some reason he's refused to go into my patented Vox Poplar Tube of Truth, so we're just gonna talk. Welcome Seymour Hersh.

SEYMOUR HERSH- It's good to be here in Canada and away from the Fascist State of Amerikkka.

VOX POPLAR- Really? I didn't know it was that bad in America.

SEYMOUR HERSH- I'm the only one with the guts to tell the truth. As I speak entire cities are burning to the ground, American soldiers are rounding up African-Americans and sending them to vote-denying death camps while Dick Cheney drinks the blood of infants and George W. Bush and his coven of neo-con theocrats build altars to their bloodsucking god out of their bones! I know I've seen the video!

VOX POPLAR- If all this is happening, why are you the only one talking about it?

SEYMOUR HERSH- Because the Republicans secretly control the mainstream media!

VOX POPLAR- The same mainstream media that constantly puts anti-Republican, and anti-American spins on their news coverage while exposing vital national security secrets?

SEYMOUR HERSH- That's just a clever ruse, cleverly designed by that clever Beelzebub of American politics the clever Karl Rove.

VOX POPLAR- Oh, really?

SEYMOUR HERSH- Why do I detect a note of doubt in your voice?

VOX POPLAR- It's not really a note, more like a symphony.

SEYMOUR HERSH- I've seen video of America's military in action! I've seen them gun down entire cities full of people, and then feast upon their flesh in an orgy of cannibalism and necrophilia. There is no insurgency in Iraq, because all the Iraqis are dead. Right now they're smuggling innocent civilians from all over the Muslim world in order to kill them for sport, and sell their organs to Israel on the black market.

VOX POPLAR- Please, go on.

SEYMOUR HERSH- Plus, as John Kerry says, America's troops are all brain-washed borderline retards that exist solely for killing as many innocent people as they can... wait a minute... What are you doing with that button?

VOX POPLAR- What button?

SEYMOUR HERSH- The red shiny button on the control panel in your hand.

VOX POPLAR- You mean this button?

(Click-VWOOSH!)

SEYMOUR HERSH- What the hell is this?

VOX POPLAR- That's the Vox Poplar Patented Tube of Truth. While inside you are completely unable to lie.

SEYMOUR HERSH- That's why I refused to do this!

VOX POPLAR- Now let's get to the nitty gritty. You're notorious for making wild allegations of abuse and slaughter in your public appearances, yet you haven't written any articles about these supposed news stories. Why?

SEYMOUR HERSH- That's easy. If I write this crap in an article, I could get my ass sued off for libel. If I make it in a speech, it's just slander, and barring any video of me making the speech, I can always claim that I was misquoted. DAMN IT! I didn't want to say that!

VOX POPLAR- I guess the next logical question is why do you make such statements?

SEYMOUR HERSH- Because I hate America, I hate Israel, I hate myself, and I pretty much hate any society that allows someone as loathsome as me become a success. Plus, I haven't written anything of consequence since the 70s. I'm a raving narcissist who desperately needs attention, and the easiest way to get that is to tell a bunch of left-wing ass-hats what they want to hear.

VOX POPLAR- Where is this video you claim to have seen showing US troops massacring a soccer game?

SEYMOUR HERSH- There is no video. I just pulled the story out of my ass because it's what my audience wants to hear. Besides, they're not going to ask me for the video, because that would prove that I'm nuttier than an elephant's snack bowl, they just let the story slide because it feeds their pre-existing prejudices. These are people who think Ted Rall is funny, their brains are fried beyond simple reason. Oh crap! I didn't want to say that!

VOX POPLAR- Well, I think that's all for today, so until next time, good-day, and good luck.

SEYMOUR HERSH- LET ME OUT OF THIS DAMN TUBE!!

THE VERDICT IS IN!

Saddam Hussein has been found guilty of crimes against humanity and sentenced to hang.

EVERYBODY SING ALONG!

Dang me
Dang me
They're gonna git a rope and hang me
Hang from the highest tree!
Oh, Allah, Ramsey Clarke couldn't save me!