VOX: A lot of people in the anti-war crowd love to compare George W. Bush to German mega-monster Adolph Hitler. I didn’t care for that little analogy, but those whacky moonbats just won’t listen to reason. So, I decided to go straight to the horses mouth. With my trusty ouija board I reached down into the darkest depths of the ninth circle of hell and managed to make contact with the freaking fascist himself Adolph Hitler. Welcome Herr Hitler.
VOX: What exactly is life in hell like?
HITLER: Let’s see, today’s Thursday, so I’m supposed to be suckling acid from the leathery teats of the Mother of Damnation while her spawn ram several cacti up my rectum with a mallet. Then I’d spend the afternoon getting my skin slowly burnt off while my genitalia are chewed on by a horde of rabid weasels. Then my torn and scorched flesh regenerates, and it starts all over again.
VOX: And this interview is giving you a break from your eternal torment?
HITLER: Not really. During this interview I will have my right eye repeatedly plucked out with a knife.
OOOOWWWW!!! Dammit! What did I do to deserve this... Oh, yeah, all that evil... Let’s get this interview over with. If I’m late for fellating the Legions of Torment I’ll literally be buggered with a chain-saw.
VOX: A lot of people on the left are comparing George W. Bush to you. What do you think about that?
HITLER: Goes to show that history is a poorly taught subject these days. I mean come on; even I can see that I’m a huge raving monster psycho ass-wipe. It’s taken sixty years of having my one gonad being repeated hacked off with a rusty spoon, but I can see that now-
OOOOWWW!!! Damn it! Where was I?
VOX: You were talking about being a psycho ass-wipe.
HITLER: I started a war for no other reason than my own freaking ego. That alone got millions of people killed, and to top it all off I then slaughtered even millions more because of my own ignorant and hateful bigotry. That’s why I’m spending every night running a boulder up a mountain of red-hot coals in my bare-feet. Did you know that in hell you still have to go to the bathroom?
VOX: No I didn’t.
HITLER: The catch is that there are no bathrooms. I’ve been holding it for sixty years.
VOX: that must piss you off.
HITLER: Everybody’s a comedian. Let’s get back on topic. There’s no way George W. Bush is anywhere near like me. He invaded Iraq because Iraq disobeyed the United Nations and gave money, supplies, and shelter to terrorists. I invaded Poland, not because the Poles attacked me, but because I felt like it. I thought I could rule the planet. George W. Bush just wants an end to terrorism. And then—
OOOOWWW!!! Dammit! Where was I? Oh yeah, I killed men, women and children indiscriminately. George W. Bush has been trying to minimize civilian casualties, even when it jeopardizes his mission. That ain’t what I’d do. Kill’em all was my philosophy, and look where it’s got me.
VOX: What about Abu Ghraib?
HITLER: A pack of hillbilly mouth-breathers who couldn’t pull a decent atrocity out of their own ass. How can their crimes, which have pegged them for a little purgatory, compare to the previous management of that prison. Saddam Hussein had ‘rape rooms,’ and a chamber where he ran people through a massive shredder. Those hicks were strictly small time. And look at Guantanamo Boy. Three hot meals a day, no random executions, and the Americans respect their religious beliefs. That’s not a prison camp, it’s a freaking holiday spa. George W. Bush ain’t worse than me, in fact, he ain’t nowhere near me. Bush won’t be joining me, Stalin, Mao and Pol Pot here anytime soon, that’s for sure.
VOX: Looks like our time is up. Do you have any last messages for the world of the living before you return to your eternal damnation?
HITLER: I have a few things to say. First to the protestors: Bush isn’t me, in fact, he’s fighting folks who want to be me. You’re cheering for the wrong side you dorks. I’d also like to say something to the whole world: There is a God, murder is evil, and evil really pisses him off, draw your own conclusions. Then a final word to the terrorists: Saddam, Usama, Abu-Musab, I’ll be seeing you all soon and will keep a nice sharp rock warm for you.