THIS JUST IN...

COMING SOON: AL-QAIDA TV.

International terrorist organisation and beard appreciation society Al-Qaida announced that it no longer trust Al-Jazeera to be it's mouthpiece and will broadcast their own version of a 'news' program over the internet. The search is on for an anchor for this program. Dan Rather applied but was rejected over questions over his journalistic integrity. They also rejected a proposed phone in show starring Al Franken, citing concerns over the money collected for charity going to where it's supposed to go, buying guns and explosives.

IRISH REPUBLICAN DIS-ARMY.

The Irish Repulican Army announced that it has gotten rid of the last of its weapons and is completely disarmed. When skeptics asked where all those guns went, the IRA hemmed and hawed before finally admitting that they sold them to the New Orleans PD who they thought needed as much firepower as they could get.

DON'T DROP THE SOAP IN THE LOCKER ROOM.

A McGill University student in Montreal filed a complaint with the school claiming that he had been sodomized during a hazing ritual for the football team. When asked if he believed the student's claim, University President Seymour Buttes said: "Sodomy? My ass!"

HURRICANE SHEEHAN BLOWS HERSELF OUT

Less than 30 people showed for radical anti-war activist, anti-semitezionist, and professional griever Cindy Sheehan's 'March on Washington' that promised over 100,000 people. Instead of bringing the whole city to a halt, Cindy's protest merely boosted the lunch crowd at Vic's Vegan Deli & Fair Trade Coffee Shop. When the shop ran out of soy-milk for her latte Cindy promptly blamed it on Israel and declared that the barista was "Worse than Hitler," and that a lady named Lucy Schwartzbaum should "end her illegal and immoral occupation of the ladies room."

HAVEN'T THEY SUFFERED ENOUGH?

Washed up singer, self-proclaimed 'King of Pop,' and poster child for body dysmorphic syndrome Michael Jackson has begun recording an album to help the victims of hurricane Katrina. It's expected to raise somewhere around $25 in total. $1.45 will go to survivors of Katrina, $20 to pay Jackson's legal bills, and the rest will be stolen by Air America.

CANADA GOES VICE-REGAL.

Canada got a new head of state with the swearing in of journalist, documentarian, and suspected separatist Michaelle Jean to the post of Governor General. She replaces fellow CBC personality empress dowager Adrienne Clarkson. MM. Jean was picked because of her background as a journalist, her respected standing in Quebec, her refugee to riches life-story and that Prime Minister Paul Martin thinks she's kinda hot. It's believed by many experts that when her term is over MME. Jean will be replaced by either Jerome the Giraffe of Finnigan from Mr. Dressup. (Canuck only joke alert!)

PASS THE BLAME FOR THE HURRICANES

Former Vice President Al Gore declared that hurricanes like Katrina and Rita would not be happening if he had been elected and signed the Kyoto Accord. Ironically a new study by Dr. Otto Hassepeffer of the Global Meteorological Institute of Bern, Switzerland states that the excess heat in the atmosphere is caused by hot air being expelled by politicians who lose elections but just can't let go.

BEING A LIBERAL MEANS NEVER HAVING TO SAY YOU'RE SORRY...

...OR DO ANY JAIL TIME

Advertising flack and Canadian Liberal Party Hack Paul Coffin has been given house arrest for stealing millions of dollars of Canadian taxpayer's money through bogus advertising deals. As part of his sentence he's to give lectures on business ethics to university students. In the same vein NHL goon Todd Bertuzzi will teach kids about good sportsmanship, Dan Rather will lecture about journalistic integrity, Osama Bin Ladin will lecture on religious tolerance, and Nawlins Mayor Ray Nagin will teach a course on crisis management and emergency preparedness.