The Sean Penn Nobody Knows

All right, I confess.

I'm one of the pesky pyjama-clad bloggers who have been making fun of actor/loudmouth Sean Penn and his recent antics on the leaky boat carrying him, a photographer, a publicist, and a large portion of Lake Ponchartrain. But I'd like to take a moment and talk about the Sean Penn that doesn't really get talked about. I'm talking about the Sean Penn nobody knows.

Sean Penn was born in a log cabin in Malibu, California in 1946, the seventh of twelve children born to Hieronymous Aloysius Penn, a former seal-skinner turned film director and freelance gigolo from the fjords of Saskatchewan, and Ingrid Terwilliger Penn, former heavyweight boxer, and defrocked Presbyterian Archdeacon of Edinburgh.

Heironymous Penn became a successful director of such films as: The Saskatchewan Seal Skinners, Night of the Saskatchewan Seal Skinners, Revenge of the Saskatchewan Seal Skinners, and Skinners!, a musical. However his career came to a crashing halt when the Saskatchewan seal skinning fad had ended, replaced by hula hoops, and casual sex. The studios offered Hieronymous scripts that dealt with hula hoops and casual sex, but since he was strong believer in an artist working with what he knew, he couldn't bring himself to make a film that didn't involve skinning seals in Saskatchewan.

It fell upon Sean to become the family's chief breadwinner, so he struck out to make it as a nightclub singer. After his first performance the family fell into dire poverty and his eleven siblings were sold, mostly for their organs, to pay the back taxes and maintain Hieronymous's addiction to Hostess Twinkies.

However, Sean's plight had attracted the attention of Frank Sinatra, who called him 'the most pathetic excuse for an act I have ever seen,' and hired him as comic relief for Ocean's 11.

He was soon fired for constantly pointing and giggling at Frank's hairpiece, for bumming smokes off Dean and Sammy, and never paying them back, and for punching out all the cameramen.

Despondent, Sean gave up on showbiz, and went to Irving Shumway Institute of Technology and Clog Dancing to pursue other avenues. While there he built the world's first artificial intelligence, named Collossus, and is pictured here:

Normally successfully building a hyperintelligent supercomputer out of cigarette wrappers, bottlecaps, and some thing he found in the basement that goes 'bing' for a school project would be considered a great achievement. However, since he was studying interpretive clog dancing, it wasn't fully appreciated by his teachers.

Colossus the Supercomputer decided to get rid of his accidental creator by having him hurled into a time space anomaly created by superheating a Taco Bell burrito inside a microwave while wrapped in tinfoil.

This incident flung him into the 23rd Century. There he was recruited into Starfleet and made Captain of the Starship the USS Hugh Essess with the crew pictured here.

That career was short lived though. Starfleet High Command decided that it should give out commands based on merit and ability, and not based on who can shove more crayons up their nose. Sean tried to hold onto his beloved ship, but the crew had grown tired of his constant orders to "Attack Uranus to wipe out Klingons," and forced open a temporal anomaly to send him back to the 20th Century.

Back in the present Sean was looking for a new career, and found one that fit right in with his love of anti-American dictators. He became head torturer for Pol Pot's Khmer Rouge.

He only lasted a month, because Pol Pot, who was busy slaughtering half of his country's population, thought Penn's technique of forcing subjects to watch Woody Allen dramas was just too cruel and nasty, even for him.

But Penn could not deny that there was showbiz in his blood, so he returned to Hollywood and became an actor. It was as an actor that he became famous for his intense performances, brooding style, love of punching photographers, and his marriage to Madonna pictured with him here:

But he's more than just an actor with a big mouth, limited understanding of the world, and a fetish for dictators, he's also a genuine American Hero.

No I'm not talking about his half-assed boat trip in New Orleans. I'm talking about his tireless work protecting our planet as:


Oh, sure it's easy to say that all he's doing is running around chain-smoking, and screaming like a crazyman in a wacky suit, but he assures me that it's the only way to keep the aliens at bay. And since we haven't been invaded by aliens yet, I tend to believe him.

So now you know the rest of the story, can we please stop picking on him now?

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