9/11/2005

"What Really Bugs Me..."


P-GARD ADULT DIAPERS
&
VIOXXGRA
THE PILL FOR THE HORNY & ARTHIRITIC
PRESENT
A SPECIAL GUEST
COMMENTARY
BY
ANDY ROONEY
Is this thing working?

I swear these damn interweb thingies are the tool of the devil....

I'm on?

Okay.

This is my first attempt at being one of those web-blobbers and I'm still trying to get the hang of the damned whatchamacallit...

You know?

The thing with the typewriter attached to the little television?

The computer! That's it.

Well, it's me, Andy Rooney, curmudgeon in residence for 60 MINUTES, sometimes called The Night of the "Are They Still Living?" Dead. And for the September 11th edition of the venerable news magazine where Morley Safer's still considered a young whippersnapper, I decided not to talk about the war on terrorism and the 9/11 attacks like everyone else and talked about one my all time favourite cities.

I'm talking about Boston

New York

The Hamptons

Greenwich Connecticut

New Orleans.

In my little spiel I talked about how I served in WW2 as a reporter, how the city was the birthplace of jazz, and home to wonderful restaurants... Those uptight network suits wouldn't let me reminisce about my nights at Madame Giselle's cathouse with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a trained puma, so screw them.

Eventually I got to the main point of my little speech.

The destruction of New Orleans and the loss of life and property is all George W. Bush's fault.

And it is.

I even made up a nice set of lists, I like lists, that should make everything nice and clear.

THINGS THAT DID NOT CAUSE THE DESTRUCTION & CHAOS IN NEW ORLEANS:

  1. Mayor Ray Nagin's refusal to follow his city's own plan for handling hurricanes.
  2. Governor Blanco's refusal to call the National Guard until after the crap hit the fan.
  3. Massive numbers of police fleeing their posts in the face of the disaster.
  4. Mayor Nagin's leaving of hundreds of city buses to be flooded out in a parking lot instead of using them to evacuate people.
  5. Governor Blanco's ordering the National Guard to block the Red Cross and Salvation Army from helping the people in the Superdome as part of some brilliant plan to inspire them to move.
  6. The incompetence, indecision, and corruption that's inherent in New Orleans and Louisiana politics.

Isn't it obvious?

Now here's a list of THINGS THAT CAUSED THE DEATH & DESTRUCTION IN NEW ORLEANS.

  1. George W. Bush.
  2. George W. Bush taking a vacation in Crawford.
  3. George W. Bush's refusal to do the bidding of Cindy Sheehan.
  4. George W. Bush's refusal to sign the Kyoto Accord even though it was unanimously kaiboshed by congress.
  5. George W. Bush being elected over the handsome and charming John Kerry.
  6. George W. Bush being born.
  7. George W. Bush believing the Iraqi WMD claims of over a dozen international intelligence agencies over the claims of a guy who sat by a pool in Niger for a week.

And so that you can't go around saying I blame everything on George W. Bush, I have one more thing that caused the destruction of New Orleans:

8. Karl Rove.

Now you know better.

So forget about all those pesky facts, and remeber that the unvarnished truth can only come out of an octogenaric Democratic Party hack who only recent success lately has been in making Mike Wallace look young.

So long, and remember to blame Republicans for everything.

Do it enough times and you'll become an American Institution like me.

1 comment:

Damian G. said...

WOW, Andy!

I was a right-wing fanatic until you enlightened me!

All hail Rooney the Great, he hath shewn me the way!