The Piglet of Doom

VOX POPLAR: Welcome. As we speak Great Britain is in an unprecedented crisis of identity and culture. Poor little Piglet has been exiled off everything from coffee cups to tissue boxes in order to not offend Britain's growing and increasingly restive Islamic minority. Here to explain his side of this controversy is Usama Bin Johnson Chairman of the United National Foundation of Anglo-Islamic Relations, or U.N.F.A.I.R. Welcome Mr. Johnson.

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: It's good to be here.

VOX POPLAR: Why the war against poor little Piglet?

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: Because Piglet is just that, a pig, and he is unclean and everything bearing his image is thus unclean and must be banned.

VOX POPLAR: If one wants to be a picker of nits, one could say that Piglet isn't really a pig, but a cartoon.

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: That's a very intolerant attitude you have.

VOX POPLAR: Because he's a cartoon?

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: Trying to muddy up my argument with things like facts. It's a very bad attitude.

VOX POPLAR: So, it's all right to be offended by a little cartoon piglet, but it's wrong to be offended by inane cultural oppression being foisted upon society at large by a small minority within a minority community.

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: Exactly. If Britain wants to be considered truly tolerant it must bow to the demands of people like me who are considered embarrassing wingnuts by their own community.

VOX POPLAR: So the Muslim community of Great Britain isn't really all hopped up over Piglet, just a select few like you?

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: Somebody has to preserve the purity of our society, and since we at UNFAIR are both pushy and loud we always get our way. Don't worry, they'll come around when have Sharia law put in place. They won't have a choice then.

VOX POPLAR: So Piglet's really the first shot being fired over the proverbial bow then?

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: First Piglet, then all other cartoon animals and cartoons in general, then we get the crosses removed from England's flag...

VOX POPLAR: Why do you want the crosses removed from the British flag?

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: They're an acknowledgement of England's foundation as a Christian country based on crazy notions of individual liberty and the rule of law. Notions that would seriously undermine the rule of the coming Grand Caliphate. Plus I read somewhere that Crusaders wore them way back when, so I find them offensive.

VOX POPLAR: Why?

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: Why what?

VOX POPLAR: The forces of Islam won the Crusades. Saladin's army beat the Crusaders under the English Richard the Lionheart. If anything, Muslim people should get a tingle of pride every time they see that red cross. Be it on a flag, a pin raising money for cancer research, or on an ambulance carrying the sick and injured to help.

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: Saladin's victory doesn't count. He wasn't a true Muslim, he was Kurdish, and we all know what kind of people the Kurds are.

VOX POPLAR: According to reports from Iraq, the Kurds are acting pretty bravely in assembling a democratic state with the Shia in the face of mostly foreign terrorists and domestic thugs.

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: You are so bloody ignorant. Kurds are evil because they want to recognize Israel, and Israel is the font of all that is evil in the world. Not like the peace loving Palestinians.

VOX POPLAR: An interesting point. But I just happened to notice that the Kurds and Israelis weren't dancing in the streets when those planes hit the twin towers on 9/11, while the Palestinians were.

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: Oh sure bring up that little bit of trivia. Everyone knows the Israelis were behind 9/11. That guy at Counterpunch says that some guy had money in a sock, hence, the Mossad did it.

VOX POPLAR: If the Mossad really did it, then why were the Palestinians dancing for joy over the deaths of Americans?

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: That's a very intolerant attitude you have.

VOX POPLAR: Why am I intolerant? Is it because I think that my acceptance of people of other cultures should also mean that they tolerate me, my culture, and my little Piglet coffee mug? A cartoon of a pig isn't the same as being forced to surrender your history, culture and religion to the whims of a group of loudmouths just because they can bully politicians with accusations of racism.

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: You sir are a racist!

VOX POPLAR: We're the same race. In fact, I did a little checking, and it turns out that we're cousins. Are you saying that I'm prejudiced against my own beloved Gramma?

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: So, we're different religions.

VOX POPLAR: But we worship the same God.

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: You're still a bigot!

VOX POPLAR: Because I think tolerance is a two way street? You know, for a main who claims to be the voice of the moderate, you have some pretty immoderate views.

USAMA BIN JOHNSON: I haven't blown anyone up yet. That makes me a moderate.

VOX POPLAR: I knew I should have called Irshad Manji. She at least knows what the word moderate really means. That's all for today folks.