Give Surrender A Chance

A SPECIAL GUEST COMMENTARY
BY CONGRESSMAN JOHN MURTHA (D-P.U.)

Greetings my fellow Americans.

It's me ex-Marine and recent Profile In Courage prize winner Congressman John Murtha. I'd like to thank Mr. Poplar for letting me use his space to provide a counterpoint, if you will, of the rather shameful treatment he showed All-American Hero Jesse MacBeth yesterday.

How dare he treat a decorated war veteran like Coporal MacBeth so rudely!

All Corporal MacBeth did was dare to speak the truth about this war and American servicemen. Sure, none of the events he described actually happened, but that doesn't make his statements any less true.

I know because I served in VietNam, and while a Marine in VietNam I personally killed more babies than malnutrition and NARAL put together.

Why did I kill so many babies?

Because that's what American soldiers do!

And why do we do it?

Because we're Americans!

Americans kill babies and civilians. It's our tradition. It's also the reason the entire world hates us. It's not because of our freedom, our wealth, our power, or our lack of official anti-semitism. It's because all we do is kill babies.

We did in WW2. Sure, egghead historians will tell you it was because the German Nazis and Japanese Militarists placed vital war industries and military installations in civilian residential areas, but true heros like me and John Kerry know the truth.

America did it because the American military live only to kill civilians.

That's why we must completely dismantle the baby-killing military industrial complex. We were wrong to fight the Nazis and Militarists in WW2 and here we are making the same mistake again in the Middle East.

Sure those Bushitler RepubliKKKans will tell you that we're fighting for the survival of our democracy against a determined fascist foe.

Well look at what democracy has brought to the world! Democracies exist to goad peace loving people like Hitler, Tojo, and Ho Chi Minh into starting wars. Democracies have militaries, that they claim are for defence, but really exist to perform baby-killing on an epic scale.

That's why we must surrender to our moral superiors in Al Qaida.

Only then, can we enjoy true peace.

Thank you, and in the mid-term elections Vote Democrat, and Vote Often.

1 on 1 with Jesse MacBeth

VOX POPLAR- Welcome everyone. It's time for a return to what I do best, 1 on 1 interviews with the makers, shakers, Quakers, takers, godforsakers, and fakers of the news. Today I'm joined by Jesse MacBeth, self proclaimed Iraq War vet turned anti-war activist. Good to have you here.

JESSE MACBETH- It's good to be here where I can finally speak truth to power safe from the Republican/Zionist conspiracy.

VOX POPLAR- All right. You talk a lot about atrocities committed by you and your comrades. Can you tell us about them?

JESSE MACBETH- Yes. This is very hard for me to talk about. But one night my unit, the 79th Airborne Special Ranger Corps, were sent into a mosque. We had reports of them there Muslim folks praying when they should be sucking up that oil to give to Israel. So we went into the mosque... (chokes back a tear) The place was full of babies. Hundreds, no thousands of babies. They was just sitting there gurgling and filling diapers.

VOX POPLAR- And then what happened?

JESSE MACBETH- Donald Rumsfeld was leading the mission. He screamed that we had to kill all the babies. So I opened fire with my M-16 submachine gun. (chokes back another tear) Bullets and baby bits were flying everywhere. We then gathered up the bones and made a throne out of them for Dick Cheney's office, and we danced all night to the music of Toby Keith while Condoleeza Rice drank blood from a baby's skull. I must have killed, and this is a low estimate, at least half a million people that night. The White House awarded me the Iron Cross for that mission.

VOX POPLAR- Fascinating story. Perhaps you can answer these simple questions. If your story is true, and you killed half a million Iraqi babies in one orgy of bloodshed, then why didn't it make it on the news?

JESSE MACBETH- The news is controlled by the Joos! That's why the words rhyme! It's the Joos news, and any news the Joos want to lose gets lost!

VOX POPLAR- Are we talking about same media that sparked worldwide riots and bloodshed among Muslims with a patently false story of Korans being flushed at Gitmo? The same media that gave 24/7 coverage of the Abu Ghraib crimes for months? They somehow ignored the massacre of hundreds of thousands of babies in a mosque in Iraq?

JESSE MACBETH- Now I see it, you're one them there right wingers! Trying to bury the truth!

VOX POPLAR- What about mil-bloggers like Black5 pointing out flaws, not only in your story, but in your supposedly official picture, where you're wearing your beret backwards and your uniform is all wrong?

JESSE MACBETH- They all work for Israel! Trying to bury the truth! I personally killed over thirty million people in this horrible misguided war for oil!

VOX POPLAR- That's an impressive kill count, considering there are less than 20 million people in Iraq.

JESSE MACBETH- A couple million were in Afghanistan.

VOX POPLAR- Let's cut the bull-spit and get down to the real story. Why should anyone believe that you were in Special Forces, when the Army denies that you served in any branch in the military, and judging by your looks, even I, a common blogger, could kick your ass?

JESSE MACBETH- My wussie appearance is a clever cover. The army's lying. I won 2 silver stars, 18 purple hearts, 2 medals of honour, and a special citation for baby killing. They can't take that away from me.

VOX POPLAR- What do you hope to gain by slandering US soldiers with false stories of atrocities that never happened?

JESSE MACBETH- I'm hoping to become a Democratic Senator from Massachusetts. Worked for John Kerry.

VOX POPLAR- That's probably the only real thing you've said in years. Thanks for coming, now get the hell out of my sight.

Plain Speakin'

A Personal Message from Noam Chomsky

A most felicitous and gratuitous solicitation of salutation to you all.

I aspire to express gratitude to Mr. Poplar for letting me utilize his web location to pose this humble missive.

Much concentration is being paid to my recent perambulation to the Middle East and my contemporary vigorous endorsement of Hamas a covinous and thanatomaniacal organisation dedicated to the genocide of all homo-sapiens of Hebraic Semitic extraction.

People are curious as to why I, a masculine homo-sapiens of Hebraic-Semitic extraction, would aspire to endorse such an assemblage.

Well, to put it plainly...

As our artificially constructed chronological units have passed and I enter the realm of the superseptuagenarian my thought processes, long the object of not only suppalpation by admirers, but also supparasitation, have degenerated to the point where they most resemble a acanaceous grimgribber suffering from absinthism, and my statements have become most thalian to those who subject me to much and repeated jobation.

Or, as those salubrious and most subrisive rappers Cypress Hill put it, I'm insane in the membrane.

It's the only feasible elucidation.

A recent anacalypsis revealed to me that decades of appetent glorification by the capernoited echelons of the carminative political left have caused me to deblaterate on a variety of topics that are not only outside my chosen vocation of academic expertise, but completely beyond my ability to comprehend.

Why else would I repeatedly endorse such roinous rapscallions like Pol Pot, Saddam Hussein, Slobodan Milosevic, and now Hamas, while slandering liberal democracies as sanguinivorous thraldoms of the tetraskelion with antagonistic, verbose, and supernovalent language?

I have often considered taking leave of this field of endeavour and pursuing my interest in macromastic threpterophilia. However, when those temporal units come I simply remember how sybaritic I have become, my spizzerinctum, and how anything I attempt outside of pandering to the squalid prejudices of the left is greeted with a heady round of oscitancy.

So I guess I must remain in my self imposed realm of oneirataxia, becoming more and more suilline with speaking fees, and books royalties, my once venerated neural nucleus growing more and more rupestrian.

At least I blame it on George W. Bush.

~Noam

A question...

When did this suddenly become news?

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor...

This blog brought you by...

PISSUP'S PREMIUM
It'll get ya drunk!

The Poplar Report: All The News Fit to Spit

How do you know they're lying about this. Their lips are moving.


A friend of mine beat me to this joke, but I'm gonna use it anyway: BROKEBACK MOUNTIES!

Paul, Paul, Paul... sometimes a raving egomaniacal moonbat like Kanye West makes a good point: WE WANT PRE-NUP!

Portugese Teen develop SOAP OPERA-ITIS!

Piano found on mountaintop.

Return of the Masked Asker!

Looks like I got another question by that strikingly handsome masked rogue. I wonder who he could be?

Can Blogs Be Censored?

It's a question that's been bugging me lately.

Especially with all the controversy over Google's recent cooperation with the WONDERFUL & PEACE LOVING goverment of the People's Republic of China. Apparently Google won't let its Chinese customers access websites the WONDERFUL PEOPLE of the Chinese government find objectionable.

What's next?

Will the HEROES at Google start IMPROVING blogs it finds politically incorrect?

Is that the next step on this slippery slope?

I don't know.

What I do know is that lately Google's been acting like a pack of DELIGHTFUL PEOPLE, a real shower of KINDNESS that would NEVER VIOLATE FREE SPEECH TO MAKE MONEY FROM OPPRESSIVE REGIMES. Especially with the COMPLETELY JUSTIFIABLE games they're playing with this whole 'Net Neutrality' idea which is complete and utter GREATNESS.

I mean anything supported by both the NICE FOLKS of the Christian Right and the SWEETHEARTS at MoveOn.org can't be BAD.

I guess time will tell.

Let's Get Normal!

A SPECIAL MESSAGE FROM
COLONEL MUAMMAR QUADAFFI

Howdy folks.

It's little old me, Muammar Quadaffi, or Quadaffy Duck as you might have called me back in the old days when I was the world's favourite Middle Eastern bogeyman.

My how things have changed.

In case you've been living in a cave, like a certain fundamentalist dingus, I've been taken off the official American shit-list as a terrorist supporting state and can now have full, formal diplomatic relations.

It's amazing how a man who was once the scourge of all that is good in the world is now going to be back as a full member of the international community. And it couldn't have come at a better time, oil prices are sky-high, and I got light sweet crude coming out of my national wazoo.

Now you're probably wondering how I managed to pull all this off when my colleagues in Iraq and Afghanistan have been toppled by one of the most pro-active governments in American history.

Well the answer is simple.

I am not an idiot.

You see the Taliban thought the USA was a paper tiger that would fold faster than The Flash on laundry day, and Saddam thought his oil-for-bribes buddies in Russia, France and the UN would protect him from the Yanks.

Now you see, they are what you call idiots.

They're dummer than sack of sand.

They're the kind of people who go from ruling a country to spending their retirements either in a hole, a cave, or a cell waiting for someone to get around to hanging them.

Well, Muammar don't play that way.

I saw that the Yanks were looking to take on all comers after 9/11, so I took a chill pill and played it safe. I ditched my WMD programs, and cut off the cash I normally spent on terrorists.

Cutting off the terrorists was actually the easiest part. There used to be a time when terrorism was all about worker's revolutions and stuff, but now it's all about caliphates, crackpots, and telling me that our women have to wrapped up like flour sacks because their beauty somehow offends Allah.

Let me tell you something brother: Any world where Muammar can't scope out the ladies is a world that ain't worth living in.

Getting rid of the WMDs was tough. I liked how they made me feel like a big bad-ass, but Bush ofoffered to trade them for a new XBox 360 and a copy of Halo3, and that was a deal I just couldn't refuse.

Now I've got to do some more things to show that I'm a good guy now.

Like that Lockerbie thing... my bad.

Last time I let the Syrians talk me into something...

I'd now like to take a minute to tell my fellow dictators that all this terrorism, nuke-mongering, and Israel threatening will only lead them to their own personal hole in the ground. So smarten up, straighten out, and start making some serious coin of your oil reserves so you can have some real fun.

Anyhoo...

It's great to be back among the normal. I hope to show Condi Rice the new hot tub I installed behind my tent and...

Well, we'll work all that out later.

Isn't great that we're all friends now?

Hugs-

Muammar

Something for folks who recently paid their taxes...

A little Rick Mercer routine that although set in Canada, is universal in its theme.

Enter THE MASKED ASKER!

I received this image in an anonymous e-mail, I don't know who this devilishly handsome masked man is, but he does have an interesting way of making a point.

Click on the pic for a larger view...

BOOT TO THE HEAD!

This brought back so many happy childhood memories of headbootings I just had to post it here...

YOU DISSIN' MY GOD!

Then you should take this test.

There's a lot of talk these days about people disrespecting this religion and that religion, either by doodling cartoons, or beheading people. Now a lot of folks say that we shouldn't disrespect any religion and for a while I believed that.

But now I think that a religion has to earn my respect, because these days just about anyone can slap on a robe and hang up a shingle declaring themself the one true source of all that is good and truthful in the world.

So in the interest of fairness I have created this simple, non-denominational, test to determine if your religion is worthy of respect. All you have to do is answer the questions YES or NO.

1. Do the sermons and teachings of your current religious leaders use the words: "Death to ____" when describing people of other faiths?

2. When people accuse your fellow followers of barbarism, do they cite current events instead of history?

3. Do people pay attention to the teachings of your current religious leaders, not out of respect, or intellectual or spiritual curiousity, but out of fear of what they will do next?

4. Are you compelled by your spiritual leaders to kill your fellow followers who convert to other religions?

5. Do you blame all of your problems on The Joooooos?

6. Is decapitation considered a valid form of religious expression?

7. Is laughter considered sinful in your faith?

8. Do you read a blog like this and consider it blasphemy?

9. Is your most prominent religious leader a fugitive from justice on legitimate criminal charges?

10. Does your religion justify the abuse of women based on how the women are dressed rather than the respect they are due as human beings?

11. Is anyone currently commiting genocide in the name of your religion, and your fellow followers who are considered 'moderate' and 'mainstream' won't do anything to stop it?

12. Do your religious leaders claim that any attempt to study or understand the nature of the universe (otherwise known as God's Creation) as sinful?

13. Do your religious leaders demand isolation from the rest of the world, its peoples and their cultures as part of some vague plan to preserve the purity of your faith?

14. Do your religious leaders demand that you subsume your identity and your free-will to theirs as the key to a heavenly afterlife?

If you answer YES to any of these questions, then I'm affraid your religion just doesn't deserve my respect.

Sorry to break it to you this way, but I hope it helps you understand why no one likes you.

I spend way too much time at YouTube.

YouTube is turning out to be the cyberversion of crack to this blogger, but I can't resist posting this piece of British oddness from the 1970's. If you think American Idol is a new idea, think again, because before Simon Cowell there was Tony Bitch and the hit talent search New Faeces.

A Personal Message From Stephen Colbert

Hello America, this is Stephen Colbert, you may have seen my Comedy Central show the Colbert Report, but you've mostly likely been hearing a lot about my recent performance at the Washington Correspondents dinner. Now bloggers on the right are slagging me for being unfunny, and bloggers on the left are saying that I was funny and that the reason no one laughed is somehow the fault of Israel.

Well, I'm here to set the record straight, reach the truthiness of the issue, and hopefully end this this bruhaha without the ha-ha, if you will, this kerfuffle without the... um... fuffle.

Anyway. Let me make one thing clear.

I blew it.

I blew it harder than the cast of Sex Trek: Deep Throat 9.

I was awful.

I died on stage and stank up the room like an obese hippopotamus who died in a toxic waste dump from explosive diarhea.

If it was possible for me to be any more un-funny I'd be a Swedish Art Film.

I've seen the footage of President George W. Bush, and it's not that he looked angry at my routine, it's even worse he looked mostly bored.

Not even that piece of pseudo-journalistic fellatio called a 60 Minutes profile of me could fan away the stink from that routine.

How could I, the most brilliant satirist of my generation, bomb by bashing Bush in a room full of Washington correspondents whose attitude toward the Bush administration makes the posters at the Daily Kos look like a gathering of young Republicans?

I'll tell you why.

I let that son-of-a-bitch Jon Stewart write my routine for me.

Oh yeah.

A few days before the big dinner I realised that I'd been so busy working on my own show that I hadn't worked up any material. I asked Stewart for help and he said that he'd be glad to help me out and gave the routine I performed the night before the dinner.

After the show was over and I was back in New York, I snuck down to Stewart's office and swiped the original notebook he used to write the routine. And guess what I found?

The routine was a reject from his stint hosting the Oscars!

Can you believe it. Something that got cut from that steaming pile got pawned off on me with a few lame updates patched in.

You see, it's all a conspiracy. Stewart's jealous of me and the success of my show! He's trying to destroy my career by setting me up to lay a stinker in front of the whole country. You have to help me! Boycott the Daily Show and watch only the Colbert Report.

Do it for comedy!

Do it for freedom!

Do it for America!

Damn it!

Do it for me!

If this bad press keeps up my audience will start shrinking and the only advertisers I get will be fore tofu and sandals made from hemp.

Help me I got a really big house to pay for!

It's Time For Al-Qaida's Whackiest Home Videos!

Our grand prize winner this week is Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi who shows that the real reason why he's making speeches and not doing any actual fighting.



Oh those whacky Jihadis. His prize for such a brazen display of boobery is a free dinner at Big Bob's All Pork BBQ & Small Appliance Repair Chalet in Tuscaloosa Mississippi. To claim his prize all Zarqawi has to do is report to the nearest American Military Base.

Oh those wacky Econ Majors...

Little tribute to Fed Chair Wannabe Glenn Hubbard. Who knew economics could be a breeding ground for satire...

Yowie Moussaoui

Life in prison.

In case you've been in a cave and just got out, that's the sentence Zacarias Moussaoui got for his part in the 9/11 terrorist massacre.

Now a lot of people are unhappy that Moussaoui didn't get the death penalty.

Chief among them is Moussaoui himself.

Like his fellow Jihadis he craves death, and not just the deaths of people who enjoy things like freedom, he craves it for himself. He is convinced that the keys to paradise is to die at the hands of so-called infidels because he played a role in killing innocent people.

The death penalty has two reasons for its continued existence.

1. To make sure murderers do not live to kill again.

2. To hopefully deter potential murderers from killing before the kill.

Those reasons don't work against blood-craving jihadists. They take the death of one of their own not as a tragedy, or as a warning, but as a clarion call to get out and kill and kill and kill some more until there's no one left to kill.

So what can we do?

It's easy.

Make death less appealing.

There's a legend a friend told me, possibly apocryphal, that General Pershing was commissioned to crush a violent rebellion by Islamic fundamentalist factions of the Moro Tribe. Just killing them wasn't enough, because being killed and getting their prize of 72 Virgins was what they really wanted.

One day Pershing's troops caught several Moro leaders. He had all but one put up against a wall, he forced the remaining one to watch them dip their bullets into pig fat. They American firing squad then shot the ones standing against the wall. The survivor was set free and told to spread the word about what happened to the others.

Apparently, in their beliefs, the pig fat cancelled out all the good mojo they earned massacring Christians and sent them directly to hell, do not pass go, do not collect 72 virgins.

Death became unattractive, and the rebellion ended within days.

So that's where we are today. We're fighting an enemy that craves death and attracts more followers through its love of death.

What do you think we should do to make death, anyone's death, unappealing for jihadists?

Monkey Business Indeed!

CORNELIUS: Well, it has begun. The Spanish Socialist Government has granted human rights to monkeys. Critics say it's just a pointless gesture to assuage the animal rights crowd, others think they did because only a monkey with the vote would re-elect the Spanish Socialist Party. You must listen me, a talking chimp from the future, that you are taking the first steps towards your inevitable doom!

URSUS: Hey Cornelius! What the hell are you doing?

CORNELIUS: I'm trying to stop the humans from destroying themselves Ursus, don't try to stop me!

URSUS: Great big gobs of orangutang guano! Are you an idiot?

CORNELIUS: I'm not the idiot. It's the humans who are being idiots. Giving monkeys equality under Spanish law may sound all sunshine and puppies, but it has a dangerous and inevitably destructive undercurrent.

URSUS: And that's a bad thing?

CORNELIUS: Of course it's a bad thing. When humanity start equating themselves with animals, they think they're elevating the status of animals, but in fact they are cheapening the value of human life. This creates a culture founded on baser animal wants without any consideration or appreciation of humanity's spiritual, cultural, ethical, and intellectual achievements.

In this debased view of humanity a DaVinci, or a Buddha, is no better, and in the view of some animal rights activists, worse, than a chimp who does nothing with his life other than sleep, eat, have sex, kill the babies of his rivals and hurl feces at passersby.

The debasing of humanity will inevitably lead to the debasing of human society in general. People will lose the will to protect their freedoms. Tyranny will follow, then genocide, and finally the complete destruction of human society.

URSUS: You forgot a chapter there.

CORNELIUS: What do you mean?

URSUS: You forgot the part where after the debased humans destroy themselves a new society rises, one where we apes rule.

CORNELIUS: Well yeah, but look at the cost....

URSUS: From my point of view humanity destroying itself is a small price to pay if it means we rule the planet. And do a damn better job of it, if I do say so myself.

CORNELIUS: Good point. Um, never mind folks, nothing to read here.

URSUS: Yeah, nothing to see here, why don't you go to a PETA rally or something, do something useful.

CORNELIUS: Good idea.