Hello America, this is Stephen Colbert, you may have seen my Comedy Central show the Colbert Report, but you've mostly likely been hearing a lot about my recent performance at the Washington Correspondents dinner. Now bloggers on the right are slagging me for being unfunny, and bloggers on the left are saying that I was funny and that the reason no one laughed is somehow the fault of Israel.
Well, I'm here to set the record straight, reach the truthiness of the issue, and hopefully end this this bruhaha without the ha-ha, if you will, this kerfuffle without the... um... fuffle.
Anyway. Let me make one thing clear.
I blew it.
I blew it harder than the cast of Sex Trek: Deep Throat 9.
I was awful.
I died on stage and stank up the room like an obese hippopotamus who died in a toxic waste dump from explosive diarhea.
If it was possible for me to be any more un-funny I'd be a Swedish Art Film.
I've seen the footage of President George W. Bush, and it's not that he looked angry at my routine, it's even worse he looked mostly bored.
Not even that piece of pseudo-journalistic fellatio called a 60 Minutes profile of me could fan away the stink from that routine.
How could I, the most brilliant satirist of my generation, bomb by bashing Bush in a room full of Washington correspondents whose attitude toward the Bush administration makes the posters at the Daily Kos look like a gathering of young Republicans?
I'll tell you why.
I let that son-of-a-bitch Jon Stewart write my routine for me.
A few days before the big dinner I realised that I'd been so busy working on my own show that I hadn't worked up any material. I asked Stewart for help and he said that he'd be glad to help me out and gave the routine I performed the night before the dinner.
After the show was over and I was back in New York, I snuck down to Stewart's office and swiped the original notebook he used to write the routine. And guess what I found?
The routine was a reject from his stint hosting the Oscars!
Can you believe it. Something that got cut from that steaming pile got pawned off on me with a few lame updates patched in.
You see, it's all a conspiracy. Stewart's jealous of me and the success of my show! He's trying to destroy my career by setting me up to lay a stinker in front of the whole country. You have to help me! Boycott the Daily Show and watch only the Colbert Report.
Do it for comedy!
Do it for freedom!
Do it for America!
Do it for me!
If this bad press keeps up my audience will start shrinking and the only advertisers I get will be fore tofu and sandals made from hemp.
Help me I got a really big house to pay for!