Rosie VS The Donald: Clash of Titanic Egos

Normally it warms my heart to see too monstrous egomaniacs go at each other like a pair of raging chimps deranged by methamphetamine and too many electric shocks to the genitalia. However, this whole Rosie O'Donnell/Donald Trump feud is turning into what I call a case of 'media herpes' a pointless, painful running sore that never really goes away, just lies dormant for about an hour before flaring up into a nasty burning pustule on the brain.

Lately Rosie's begun attacking The Donald on her blog, and in response The Donald has started his own blog. Here's some excerpts and I must warn you, it gets ugly, and I'm not talking about looks.

--------

ROSIE'S CORNER

donald trump
donald pimp
his hair looks like poo

I can't write
so my blog looks like
bad haiku

babra is pissy
cause she won't get an
invite to trump tower
this new year's eve

damn them all to hell
they are all homophobes
because they think i'm not funny

i'm the f*cking 'queen of nice' dammit!

i'm a lesbian
and a celebrity
my opinions matter

now barbra's saying i'll be fired if i don't stop this blogging

i'm the queen of nice

choke on it and die america

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THE DONALD'S YACK SHACK

CATEGORY: Rants.
MOOD: Cranky
MUSIC: First We Take Manhattan -Leonard Cohen

Damn that Rosie.

It's bad enough that she bad mouths my decision to not fire Miss USA for partying harder than Lindsay Lohan on a bender, but then she bad mouths my business acumen, my hair, and my relationships.

Damn it Rosie, you were just supposed to drum up some controversy to publicize Miss USA, but you had to go too far, like the last time you visited a buffet special.

And you had to insult my hair...

Don't diss the hair Rosie.

I'm warning you.

Only an idiot with a death-wish bad mouths to Donald-do.

Remember, I'm in construction in New York.

I know people.

Bad people.

Bad people who do bad things.

So unless you wanna end up in the foundation of my next high-rise, I suggest you shut yer big fat yap.

I'm not threatening anyone, I'm just talking.

Rosie, if I was Barbara Walters I'd have only one thing to say to her...

"You're fired."

Then I'd have to sue her for breaching my copyright.

So shut up already. People are only watching you because you're like a big fat walking car wreck.

It's About Feelings, Nothing More Than Feelings...

A PAID POLITICAL ANNOUNCEMENT FROM

FORMER PRESIDENT JIMMY CARTER

Sorry. Wrong picture.

Take 2:

A PAID POLITICAL ANNOUNCEMENT FROMFORMER PRESIDENT JIMMY CARTER

My fellow Americans.

As you have probably heard, I have fallen victim to a vicious campaign of scurrilous hate speech where people have called me a 'bigot' and an 'anti-semite' simply because I left-handedly support the destruction of the Zionist Entity of Israel and the genocide of the Jewish people.

Now we all know that anyone who challenges my assertions and interpretations of history are nothing more than a bunch of war-mongering, blood-guzzling, pack of chickenhawk mass-murdering madman, but I won't lower myself to their sort of hate-speech.

What I am aiming to do at this blog is to present the real cause for all the troubles in the Middle East.

It all boils down to self-esteem.

You see our Islamic Brethren have oil, which is both cheap to produce and also wickedly expensive to buy. Yet their countries are all poorly run, corrupt basket cases, with high unemployment, rampant poverty, where people are regularly and savagely brutalized by their own governments.

And this is all caused by low self-esteem.

And what is the cause of this low self-esteem?

Jews.

You see a small number of Jews in a tiny little corner of the Middle East have carved out a nation that not only has a functioning democracy, but also a thriving economy, and they don't have the instantaneous wealth brought by oil.

Can't you see how this makes our Muslim brothers feel?

No matter what, lives in the Middle East have been getting progressively worse for the past five or six centuries, and the presence of non-Muslims being successful with a hell of lot less than what they have, is just too much for their pride to bear.

Now you could offer advice that maybe they should dump their dictators and replace them with systems that are more democratic and less oppressive and that would help make them as successful as the Israelis, but that would be RACIST NEOCON TALK.

And you don't wanna be a racist Neocon, do you?

The best hope we have for peace is to let our Islamic Brothers push the Jews into the sea, then they might stop being mad at us for being so rich and successful.

It could work.

I Don't Know Nuthin About Denying No Holocaust...

Now I figure that you've all heard about Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's little Festival of Holocaust Denial that going on in Iran right now.

Right now he's playing host to ex-KKK Grand Rectumus David Duke and to a clutch of ultra-Orthodox Jews who are against Israel and everything it stands for.

I don't know the name of the group, I just call them Jews Against Jews.

They've all gathered to revel in the denial of the historic fact of the Nazi-perpetrated holocaust of Europe's Jews.

But have you heard of Shiraz Dossa?

Not many have. He's an obscure professor of Political Science at the once respectable St. Francis Xavier University in Nova Scotia, Canada. There he has a reputation for ignoring the prepared text and ranting for hours about the evils of the Bush Administration, America, and the Jewish people.

He's attending this little Anti-Semitic Social, the Anti-Hebrew Hatefest, the Jew-bashing Jamboree, to give it his pseudo academic blessing.

READ ABOUT IT HERE

I would my readers, all five of them, to contact St. Francis Xavier University, St. FX for short, and ask them why they are employing such a rabid anti-western, anti-Semitic, anti-history person on their faculty.

St. Francis Xavier University
P.O. Box 5000
Antigonish, NS
B2G 2W5

Or visit their website.

Now I must insist that you be on your best behaviour. We don't want another moonbat claiming pseudo martyrdom at the hands of 'rude right-wingers'.

• Use reasonable arguments.
• No threats.
• No foul language.

Leave that for the moonbat trolls from Kos and DU.

Shiraz Dossa
Another Argument for the Elimination of Tenure

Dixie Chix Uncut, Uncensored, Uncouth...

Hat tip to Hot Air for this little ditty...

The View From The Balcony

1 on 2 with

JAMES BAKER & LEE HAMILTON
Heads of the Iraq Study Group

VOX- Thanks for coming I know you're busy and are doing a lot of interviews lately.

BAKER- I know. We're getting more coverage than Britney Spears.

HAMILTON- I sure hope so, no one wants to see up your skirt. HO-HO!

VOX- Now your report is turning out to be quite controversial. In fact the New York Post ran a cover story calling you the "Surrender Monkeys." What do you think about the controversy?

BAKER- I don't really see what all the fuss is about.

HAMILTON- All we did was urge that America give up trying to spread democracy in order to secure it's own future.

BAKER- You see, democracy is inherently unstable, that's why I spent my career in diplomacy promoting stability. Which is what the Bush Administration should be doing.

VOX- But those policies of 'stability first' led to the rise of Saddam Hussein, the Taliban and the 9/11 attacks.

BAKER- Sure, they didn't work in the past, but they might just work today.

HAMILTON- You never know unless you try.

VOX- But trying could cost millions of lives.

BAKER- True, but most of them will be foreigners, so it's really not a problem to me.

HAMILTON- Tell them about your plan, Jimmy.

VOX- What is your plan?

BAKER- First we pull out of Iraq. Showing the world that America is strong enough to know when it's beaten, then we make peace by involving Syria and Iran.

VOX- Iran's already responded. Ahmadinejad said that America should convert to Islam or die.

BAKER- You see, he's given us an opening offer. This looks promising.

VOX- That doesn't look promising, it looks like a threat!

HAMILTON- A threat's a kind of offer.

VOX- An offer of death. How can we negotiate with someone who dreams of nuking Israel?

BAKER- That's the clever part of my plan. We let them kill all the Jews and then they'll be nice to us.

VOX- Are you high?

BAKER- Excuse me?

VOX- Let's get back to the report. Who exactly did you talk to while you were putting this report together?

BAKER- Only the most reliable people. Clinton era appointees to the State Department, Generals that Rumsfeld retired before the war, journalists from the Associated Press, and figures in the media.

HAMILTON- All of them painted a picture of an unwinnable quagmire.

VOX- Did you talk to any soldiers on the field?

BAKER- What could a common soldier tell us that a bunch of political flacks and media hacks couldn't?

HAMILTON- Yeah, it's not like the folks we talked to had some sort of agenda.

VOX- Why don't you explain why Iraq is an unwinnable quagmire?

BAKER- There's more violence.

HAMILTON- We've been there longer than in WW2!

VOX- Okay, interesting points. Let's see, America did skip the first couple of YEARS of WW2, and while there is an escalation in violence, it appears to be occuring almost exclusively in a rapidly shrinking area of the country, namely 30 miles around Baghdad. How can that be an unwinnable quagmire?

BAKER- It just is! Appeasement of our enemies is the only true path to peace. Didn't Winston Churchill say that appeasers were the only ones that could feed the hungry crocodile of war?

VOX- Actually, he said that an appeaser was someone who fed a crocodile on the vain hope that he would get eaten last. So you're willing to sacrifice the people fighting to make Iraq a functioning democracy, our ally Israel, and America's credibility for some brief respite before Iran finally gets the bomb and nukes us all into Mahdi-Land?

BAKER- Pretty much.

HAMILTON- It's a sound policy. The Democrats love it.

BAKER- And I guarantee that America will definitely be eaten after the Jews.

VOX- I think I've heard enough. Good night.

It's Like, You Know...

A SPECIAL GUEST COMMENTARY BY GWYNETH PALTROW

Hello There. Now I know a lot of folks are mad at me right now because of some comments I made to the press in Europe about how I hate America, and how the English are smarter and classier than them.

Now allow me to explain myself.

What I really meant to say is that the British are, like you know, more intelligent, better mannered, and nicer than Americans.

Like the British people in these pictures.

They seem nice.

Americans are all a bunch of money obsessed, racist, ignorant dummies who spend, like you know, all their time making up wars for no reason other than they're naturally bloodthirsty.

Michael Moore agrees with me on that. He even took a second to stop staring at my ass to call me smart.

Because, like you know, British people are just so, like, cool. They would have elected Al Gore president, and they signed Kyoto. Sure, none of the countries that sign Kyoto ever did anything about it, but it's like the thought that counts.

Sure violent crime in Great Britain is skyrocketing while America's crime rate is dropping, and you're more likely to get beaten and raped in an average British pub than on the meanest streets of New York, but they, like you know, got nice parks and, like you know, the cabs are really easy to get baby-carriages into.

That more than makes up for it.

Now those fascist bloggers who are criticizing me are writing me off as some sort of Hollywood ditz who doesn't know or understand America. That is so wrong.

I grew up in Hollywood, went to expensive prep schools, and then back to Hollywood.

If that doesn't show you the true face of America, I don't know what possibly could.

So you folks should, like you know, leave me alone. All I did was call you a bunch of classless idiots and weird for loving a country that would allow someone like me to become rich and famous mostly because of my fashionably emaciated looks.

You're, like you know, touchy.

Not like the British.




Because they're, like you know, smarter.





They'd understand me.

SOMETIMES LIFE SUCKS SHIITE!

A TRANSLATED EXCERPT FROM THE PERSONAL BLOG OF MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD, PRESIDENT OF IRAN

CATEGORY: Rant
MOOD: Cranky >:(
MUSIC: Fergalicious -Fergie.

____________________________________________

Sometimes I think Allah has one sick freaking sense of humour. Just when I think everything is going my way and the world is getting Ahmadinejadized, getting ready for the horror, death, and destruction that will bring back the Mahdi, something like this turns up.

Those whiny little beotchess in Iran's parliament have voted to shorten my term by almost a year.

RAT BASTARDS!

Why the hell are they even voting about anything in the first place? Iran's an Islamic Republic, voting is not supposed to actually mean anything!

I know whose behind it. Those punks in parliament are all Rafsanjani's little catamites, he put them up to it. All because I had his cat, Mr. Snuggles, beheaded for looking at me funny.

And now I'm in dutch with my bosses over seeing some unveilled female dancers in Qatar at the opening ceremony of the Asian Games.

What did they expect me to do, get all rude and storm out.

No way. I've got a little class. I politely sat through the show, and when it was over, I ordered the dancers and their families slaughtered like the dirty whore-goats they are.

Is there no place for a gentleman in today's Iran?

Looks like I gotta step up my nuke program if I'm going to get the river's of blood the voices in my head are demanding. I'm pretty sure the voices belong to Allah, who else could it be?

Toodles.

Some comments about those Imams...

My personal theory is that they staged the whole thing to get themselves tossed off the plane, thus sparking lawsuits, protests, and civil rights complaints in order to weaken airline security, and pave the way for another 9/11.

The whole thing just reeks of a set-up.

But that's just me.

I'm paranoid.

Here are some other opinions...

DENNIS MILLER:




SOUT-AL-KUFFAR:



What do you think?