Why Al Can't Save Power?

When I heard Al Gore's power consumption was 20X that of an ordinary household I was shocked. I knew he was a hypocrite, I just didn't know how vast the scale of his hypocrisy will be.

Then I started wondering....

...Why is he sucking up so much power?

So here are my Top 5 answers.

THE TOP 5 REASONS AL GORE USES SO MUCH ELECTRICITY

5. He's running a sweatshop using illegal aliens to make Inconvenient Truth DVDs.

4. He's doing experiments reviving corpses he's stolen from graves in the greater Nashville area so they can vote in Florida (where it's legal).

3. He needs electricity to fuel his vast charisma. (that can't be it)

2. Two words: GROW-OP.

1. Tipper doesn't believe in batteries.

Don't Question My Slowly Bleeding Patriotism

A Paid Political Announcement
by Congressman John Murtha (D-Penn)

My fellow Americans.

There are those among you, mostly right-wing fascist bloggers who are calling my plan to "slow bleed" America's war effort into paralysis "treason."

How dare you question my patriotism!

You can question my honesty, my integrity, my fortitude and my sanity, but do not question my patriotism.

I served in Vietnam, and by participating in America's only losing conflict. That means that I am above all reproach, no matter how sleazy, underhanded, repugnant, immoral, and subversive my actions are.

Now let me explain how my plans to lose the war in Iraq is the most patriotic thing an American can do.

First, we must all understand, that America is the source of all that is evil and destructive in the world. If there's a problem, anywhere on the planet, it can't be the fault of anyone else but America.

That's a fact.

Which leads me to my second point. The world would be much better off if the most powerful democracy on Earth was rendered powerless.

You see we must bring America down to a Third World level. That way people won't feel bad about living under oppressive dictatorships who do nothing but spread misery and destruction because they won't be able to compare their miserable wretched lives to our rich and successful lives.

And that brings me to my final point. George W. Bush wants to bring peace to the world by making the world democratic. And we're not talking big 'D' Democrats like me, but small 'd' democratic as in free speech, free votes and all around freedom.

We can't have that because democracies are the root of all that is evil in the world.

So join with me as the Democratic Party slowly destroys my former comrades in the military, because patriotism, loyalty, honesty, freedom, and the lives of millions of innocents are nothing compared to knocking down the Republicans.

Because that's what really matters.

A Thing to Make You Go "Hmmmmmm...."

The Canadian Supreme Court today declared the government's use of 'security certificates' to detain potential terrorists as unconstitutional.

Canada has had these security certificates, in one form or another, for a long time, at least since WW2. They have withstood every challenge to their constitutionality until today.

Why?

Well, I'm not accusing anyone of anything, but...


1. Canada is now run by a Conservative Party government after over a decade of rule by the Liberal Party.

2. The members of the Supreme Court were almost all appointed by the long ruling Liberal Party.

3. The Liberals are trying to force an election and run on a platform that the Conservative government are toadies of the evil Bushhitler/Halliburton / Fascist / Zionist conspiracy.

4. Suddenly declaring a long running security program unconstitutional goes a long way to painting the Conservatives that way, especially with a pro-Liberal Party media waiting for something to run with.

I'm just saying... makes one suspicious.

Hmmmm....

Hey Kids!

This is an exclusive inside look at Amanda Marcotte's new children's show, enjoy.

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AMANDA: Hey kids! Do you know what time it is?

KIDS: It's Amanda Panda Time!

AMANDA: That's right kids. Boy, you sure are smarter than those *sshole Christofascist Godbags. Let's all sing our happy song!

It's Amanda Panda Time!
A happy playful time!
No Baptists, Catholics or Jews allowed time!
It's time to hurl some slime!
It's Amanda Panda Time!

AMANDA: Great jobs kids! What a way to f*ck BushCo and their Halliburton Christofascist conspiracy!

Knock-knock!

AMANDA: Who could that be? Why it's our old friend Peter Panda!

KIDS: Hi Peter!

PANDA: Hi kids! Today we're going to learn about freedom of speech!

AMANDA: Good! Show those Christofascist godbag donkey- ****ers what you think of them!

PANDA: Freedom of speech is a wonderful thing. It's the right for every to speak their mind no matter what they have to say.

AMANDA: Damn right.

PANDA: And like all rights, it comes with a certain amount of responsibility.

AMANDA: Yeah! Freedom of speech, whoo-hoo!

PANDA: Chief among those responsibilities is the need to acknowledge that if you say something bigoted and offensive, then people can practice their freedom of speech to criticize you.

AMANDA: WHAT! How dare you come on my show and spout that Christo-fascist Bush-Hitler garbage! I'm the only one with the freedom of speech here you f*cking *ss-sucking panda! GET OFF MY SHOW! EVERYBODY OUT! SHOW'S F*CKING OVER! YEEEEAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHH!

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1 on 1 with the Weather

VOX POPLAR- Welcome to Vox 1 on 1. Today I'm here to discuss the controversies surrounding the issue of climate change. Joining me is climatologist Dr. Bill Wethers. Welcome.

BILL WETHERS- It's good to be here.

VOX POPLAR- Now why don't you define what climate change really is?

BILL WETHERS- That's one of the key problems. You see the Earth's climate is constantly changing, so there is no concrete scientific proof as to what's causing the warming trend.

VOX POPLAR- So you have doubts about recent declarations from your colleagues about mankind's carbon production being responsible?

BILL WETHERS- Doubt is one word for it. You see, the archealogical record shows periods with higher carbon levels than we have right now, but with cooler weather. Also, I disagree with people claiming that the Earth is hotter than it has ever been. Average temperatures in the 1930s were much higher than they are today.

VOX POPLAR- How come we never hear about that in the coverage of climate issues?

BILL WETHERS- There's a very active and activist camp in the field of climate research who are actively suppressing opposing views. I mean, in science you expect a little debate, but nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition...

CARDINAL EARTH- Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Bwah-hah-hah!

VOX POPLAR- Who the hell are you?

CARDINAL EARTH- I am Cardinal Earth! These are my associates Cardinal Wind and Cardinal Fire. We're here for one reason. To seek out those who break from established climate doctrine, to punish those who... I mean we're here for two reasons. To seek out and punish those dare stand against the word of climate change!

CARDINAL FIRE- There is no truth other than climate change!

CARDINAL WIND- And Al Gore is its prophet!

CARDINAL EARTH- So Dr. Wethers you dare to speak your mind again! You will be cast out for this!

BILL WETHERS- Do you see what I'm up against. They are trying to censor dissenting opinions!

CARDINAL EARTH- There is no opinion, there is only truth!

CARDINAL FIRE- There is no truth other than climate change!

CARDINAL WIND- And Al Gore is its prophet!

CARDINAL EARTH- You, Dr. Wethers, are like those people who deny the Holocaust!

VOX POPLAR- Now hold on a minute. How can having a different opinion on a scientific theory possibly be like denying a historically proven atrocity as a means to justify new evil?

CARDINAL EARTH- So you're one of those fascist pigs too, eh?

VOX POPLAR- Now you're pissing me off. When you start using cheap tactics like that it can only mean one thing, that you're wrong.

CARDINAL EARTH- Oh yeah. Well his research got a grant from an oil company!

VOX POPLAR- So. All the research promoting climate change is being presented by people who need to manufacture a crisis in order to get fat government funding deals. So nobody is completely innocent.

CARDINAL EARTH- How dare you speak against something that 90% of scientists believe in!

VOX POPLAR- Are these the same scientists who were running around 30 years ago screaming that we were heading for an ice age?

CARDINAL EARTH- Yes. But that was before they saw the truth!

CARDINAL FIRE- There is no truth other than climate change!

CARDINAL WIND- And Al Gore is its prophet!

VOX POPLAR- Look, I'm as green as the next guy. I'm all for reducing oil consumption, alternative energy sources, reducing waste, and recycling, but I refuse to accept the insane hysteria people like Al Gore are generating for their own gain.

CARDINAL EARTH- Heresy! Thou hath spoken against the Al Gore!

VOX POPLAR- And I'll hath to do it again. Think for a second about what he's gained. Private jets, a fleet of SUVs for entourage, books deals, a movie that will certainly win him an Oscar...

BILL WETHERS- Even though the science he cites in it is questionable.

VOX POPLAR- And it's immunized him from any and all criticism. No one criticizes him for the massive pollution he alone causes by using private jets, SUVs and refusing to participate in any energy saving programs for his four homes. Nobody asks why he targets the USA and not China who is going to outstrip the USA in carbon emissions pretty soon. Is it because the Chinese gave his party so much money when he was Vice President? Nobody knows, because nobody has bothered asking.

CARDINAL EARTH- HERESY!

CARDINAL FIRE- HERESY!

CARDINAL WIND- HERESY!

VOX POPLAR- And what is so special about the Earth's climate right now? Was it worse off when Greenland really was green? Or was is somehow better off during the Ice Age when seas were clogged with ice and our the sites of our major cities were under glaciers.

CARDINAL EARTH- You foul blasphemer!

VOX POPLAR- And whenever I ask for proof you people say "Look out the window." Well outside of my window it's a nard-numbing minus 10 below zero and upstate New York is under 8 feet of snow.

BILL WETHERS- I'll be going now.

VOX POPLAR- It seems everything is a sign of Global Warming. More hurricanes, it's Global Warming. No hurricanes, it's Global Warming. The entire world could turn into a freaking snowball and it would all be Global Warming, and it would all be George W. Bush's fault. You're nothing more than the leaders of some whacked out millenarian cult, profiting from a fear of doomsday.

CARDINAL EARTH- But 90% of climatologists agree!

VOX POPLAR- They can't predict the weather beyond a week, let alone a century. And if there is one certainty in the universe, it's that when experts start agreeing like that on the future, they're going to be wrong.

CARDINAL EARTH- But George W. Bush is suppressing scientists!

VOX POPLAR- He's doing a lousy job at it, since I see them on 60 Minutes about every second week.

CARDINAL EARTH- You sir, are worse than Hitler!

VOX POPLAR- Now I know you're wrong. When all you can do is stifle debate by hurling insults and slanders, you can only be wrong. Now get off my blog!

CARDINAL EARTH- Now without the evil Dr. Bill Wethers! Where is he?

VOX POPLAR- I think he left.

CARDINAL EARTH- Oh well, goodbye.

VOX POPLAR- Yeah, goodbye.

The Perry Noya Report

THOMPSON'S TINFOIL HATS
Because if your tinfoil hat isn't a Thompson, THEY can steal your brain
PRESENT
THE PERRY NOYA REPORT
starring
PERRY NOYA

DATELINE: HOLLYWOOD FLORIDA: Ah jeez. Actress Anna Nicole Smith died today. Details are sketchy so far, but aren't they always? Come on you know what I mean. Her late husband was in oil going back to when it was still called dinosaurs, her stepsons are in oil, Bush, Cheney, and Halliburton are all in oil. I mean they try to kill freaking Jessica Lange on a daily basis, it was only a matter of time....

DO I HAVE TO FREAKING SPELL IT OUT!?!

DATELINE: HOLLYWOOD CALIFORNIA: Supermodel Tyra Banks told critics of her recent weight gain to "Kiss her fat *ss!" Now while I still think Tyra's a hottie and a half I can't help but think that this is all part of some grand conspiracy to promote people being happy with their own appearance. We then start super-sizing our collective behinds at McDonald's sucking back cheeseburgers and semi-gelatinous 'shakes' until we're gorged out of our heads and then...

POW!

That's when they get you.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON: Jimmy Carter denounced the Simon Weisenthal center for "slandering him" in order to "raise funds." Yeah, that's what THEY want you to think. Jimmy's just speaking truth to power, but the almighty Bushitler/Halliburton/Nazi/Masonic/Zionist alliance keeps putting him down so they can raise money.

What's Jimmy Carter done to deserve this? All he's done is take money from terrorist supporters in the Middle East for his various programs and then denounce the region's only democracy for having the unmitigated balls to defend itself.

COME ON PEOPLE! GET WITH THE FREAKING PROGRAM!

Gotta run. My mom needs the phone line to call the vet about her cat.

At least, that's what she wants me think!

So goodbye for now, and remember, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean THEY are not out to get you.

Why Don't You Support Me You Bastards!

A SPECIAL GUEST COMMENTARY
BY WILLIAM M. ARKIN
of The Washington Post

Boy, a lot of you fascist baby-eating Theocon psychos sure are getting pissy about my demand that America's soldiers, pack of baby-killing mercenary rapist thugs that they are, should support real Americans like me.

Any moron can slap on a uniform and go swanning about the Middle East, bayoneting babies, raping virgins and machine gunning schoolchildren. Hell, the men and women of the American Imperial Armed Forces are all borderline retarded sexual deviants who orgasm in their khakis at the mere thought of killing and mutilating, or else they wouldn't be in the military.

I know.

I work for the Washington Post.

The real heroes of this war aren't out there risking life and limb to give a bunch of Iraqis and Afghanis democracy.

The real heroes are the celebrities risking a flight in their private jets over Red States to protest the war in Washington, exposing themselves to possible Redneck cooties or substandard Shiitake mushrooms in their tofu salads.

They're the Democrats in Congress who fearlessly embolden the enemies of everything they claim to stand for, just so they could bash Bush once more.

And last, but not least, they're people like me. Liberal media elitists who bravely cast off their every belief to slander the people who risk life and limb to defend them and praise the very same people who want to behead them.

That's real courage.

So how about showing me some real appreciation you fascist pigs.