Why Don't You Support Me You Bastards!

of The Washington Post
Boy, a lot of you fascist baby-eating Theocon psychos sure are getting pissy about my demand that America's soldiers, pack of baby-killing mercenary rapist thugs that they are, should support real Americans like me.

Any moron can slap on a uniform and go swanning about the Middle East, bayoneting babies, raping virgins and machine gunning schoolchildren. Hell, the men and women of the American Imperial Armed Forces are all borderline retarded sexual deviants who orgasm in their khakis at the mere thought of killing and mutilating, or else they wouldn't be in the military.

I know.

I work for the Washington Post.

The real heroes of this war aren't out there risking life and limb to give a bunch of Iraqis and Afghanis democracy.

The real heroes are the celebrities risking a flight in their private jets over Red States to protest the war in Washington, exposing themselves to possible Redneck cooties or substandard Shiitake mushrooms in their tofu salads.

They're the Democrats in Congress who fearlessly embolden the enemies of everything they claim to stand for, just so they could bash Bush once more.

And last, but not least, they're people like me. Liberal media elitists who bravely cast off their every belief to slander the people who risk life and limb to defend them and praise the very same people who want to behead them.

That's real courage.

So how about showing me some real appreciation you fascist pigs.

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