1 on 1 with the Weather

VOX POPLAR- Welcome to Vox 1 on 1. Today I'm here to discuss the controversies surrounding the issue of climate change. Joining me is climatologist Dr. Bill Wethers. Welcome.

BILL WETHERS- It's good to be here.

VOX POPLAR- Now why don't you define what climate change really is?

BILL WETHERS- That's one of the key problems. You see the Earth's climate is constantly changing, so there is no concrete scientific proof as to what's causing the warming trend.

VOX POPLAR- So you have doubts about recent declarations from your colleagues about mankind's carbon production being responsible?

BILL WETHERS- Doubt is one word for it. You see, the archealogical record shows periods with higher carbon levels than we have right now, but with cooler weather. Also, I disagree with people claiming that the Earth is hotter than it has ever been. Average temperatures in the 1930s were much higher than they are today.

VOX POPLAR- How come we never hear about that in the coverage of climate issues?

BILL WETHERS- There's a very active and activist camp in the field of climate research who are actively suppressing opposing views. I mean, in science you expect a little debate, but nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition...

CARDINAL EARTH- Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Bwah-hah-hah!

VOX POPLAR- Who the hell are you?

CARDINAL EARTH- I am Cardinal Earth! These are my associates Cardinal Wind and Cardinal Fire. We're here for one reason. To seek out those who break from established climate doctrine, to punish those who... I mean we're here for two reasons. To seek out and punish those dare stand against the word of climate change!

CARDINAL FIRE- There is no truth other than climate change!

CARDINAL WIND- And Al Gore is its prophet!

CARDINAL EARTH- So Dr. Wethers you dare to speak your mind again! You will be cast out for this!

BILL WETHERS- Do you see what I'm up against. They are trying to censor dissenting opinions!

CARDINAL EARTH- There is no opinion, there is only truth!

CARDINAL FIRE- There is no truth other than climate change!

CARDINAL WIND- And Al Gore is its prophet!

CARDINAL EARTH- You, Dr. Wethers, are like those people who deny the Holocaust!

VOX POPLAR- Now hold on a minute. How can having a different opinion on a scientific theory possibly be like denying a historically proven atrocity as a means to justify new evil?

CARDINAL EARTH- So you're one of those fascist pigs too, eh?

VOX POPLAR- Now you're pissing me off. When you start using cheap tactics like that it can only mean one thing, that you're wrong.

CARDINAL EARTH- Oh yeah. Well his research got a grant from an oil company!

VOX POPLAR- So. All the research promoting climate change is being presented by people who need to manufacture a crisis in order to get fat government funding deals. So nobody is completely innocent.

CARDINAL EARTH- How dare you speak against something that 90% of scientists believe in!

VOX POPLAR- Are these the same scientists who were running around 30 years ago screaming that we were heading for an ice age?

CARDINAL EARTH- Yes. But that was before they saw the truth!

CARDINAL FIRE- There is no truth other than climate change!

CARDINAL WIND- And Al Gore is its prophet!

VOX POPLAR- Look, I'm as green as the next guy. I'm all for reducing oil consumption, alternative energy sources, reducing waste, and recycling, but I refuse to accept the insane hysteria people like Al Gore are generating for their own gain.

CARDINAL EARTH- Heresy! Thou hath spoken against the Al Gore!

VOX POPLAR- And I'll hath to do it again. Think for a second about what he's gained. Private jets, a fleet of SUVs for entourage, books deals, a movie that will certainly win him an Oscar...

BILL WETHERS- Even though the science he cites in it is questionable.

VOX POPLAR- And it's immunized him from any and all criticism. No one criticizes him for the massive pollution he alone causes by using private jets, SUVs and refusing to participate in any energy saving programs for his four homes. Nobody asks why he targets the USA and not China who is going to outstrip the USA in carbon emissions pretty soon. Is it because the Chinese gave his party so much money when he was Vice President? Nobody knows, because nobody has bothered asking.




VOX POPLAR- And what is so special about the Earth's climate right now? Was it worse off when Greenland really was green? Or was is somehow better off during the Ice Age when seas were clogged with ice and our the sites of our major cities were under glaciers.

CARDINAL EARTH- You foul blasphemer!

VOX POPLAR- And whenever I ask for proof you people say "Look out the window." Well outside of my window it's a nard-numbing minus 10 below zero and upstate New York is under 8 feet of snow.

BILL WETHERS- I'll be going now.

VOX POPLAR- It seems everything is a sign of Global Warming. More hurricanes, it's Global Warming. No hurricanes, it's Global Warming. The entire world could turn into a freaking snowball and it would all be Global Warming, and it would all be George W. Bush's fault. You're nothing more than the leaders of some whacked out millenarian cult, profiting from a fear of doomsday.

CARDINAL EARTH- But 90% of climatologists agree!

VOX POPLAR- They can't predict the weather beyond a week, let alone a century. And if there is one certainty in the universe, it's that when experts start agreeing like that on the future, they're going to be wrong.

CARDINAL EARTH- But George W. Bush is suppressing scientists!

VOX POPLAR- He's doing a lousy job at it, since I see them on 60 Minutes about every second week.

CARDINAL EARTH- You sir, are worse than Hitler!

VOX POPLAR- Now I know you're wrong. When all you can do is stifle debate by hurling insults and slanders, you can only be wrong. Now get off my blog!

CARDINAL EARTH- Now without the evil Dr. Bill Wethers! Where is he?

VOX POPLAR- I think he left.

CARDINAL EARTH- Oh well, goodbye.

VOX POPLAR- Yeah, goodbye.

1 comment:

Leo Pusateri said...


Your best piece yet!!!

You slay me!