Hello there, it's me "The Big O," the future Grand Caliph who will soon hold the entire world under his sway. But you folks can just call me Osama.
If you haven't heard it already I've got a new tape out... I know, I know, everybody who is anybody is podcasting these days, but I just love the warm crackle and hiss of an analog recording. Hell, if I could put those babies out on vinyl lp I would, but old tight-ass Zawahiri says the equipment's too big to fit in our cave.
Besides, I looked up the rates for a decent high speed internet service for that podcasting thang, and both Comcast and Time Warner Cable want an arm and a leg every month. And I mean that figuratively, in the way of wanting mucho dinari for the honour and privilege of a having a DSL modem wedged between my laptop and my espresso machine.
If they literally wanted arms and legs, well, that's doable, there's always some chowderhead getting bits blown off, or some whiny brat-child stealing food because "he's hungry" or some such rot.
I get the feeling the damn thing would be more trouble than it's worth. Zarquawi got a broadband connection and all he does is send nasty foul mouthed e-mails to Michelle Malkin and flooding the Jawa Report with comment spam.
Anyway, I'm here to elaborate on what I said on my latest tape. Basically I'm saying that the evil, satanic West is waging a war against sweet innocent Islam, and I just have a little question:
What have we ever done to you?
Yeah, that's right, what have Muslims ever done to the West to deserve such shoddy treatment?
And don't you go on about terrorism, genocide, violence, corruption, and the terrible abuse of women, homosexuals, and ethnic & religious minorities, you guys did that whole Crusades thing about a thousand years ago. So there!
And don't get me started on how you guys propped up all those nasty-ass dictators in the Middle East... and don't you dare bring up the fact that we put even worse despots in power at every opportunity, because that's still your fault.
Yeah, it's all your fault. With your armies spreading democracy and equality for people regardless of religion, gender, sexual orientation, or ethnic background all willy nilly over the Middle East.
And here you are proving that you're a bunch of nasty little spawn of Satan-pig-dogs by not giving money to the democratically elected Hamas government of the Palestinian Authority. Sure, the Arab countries are giving the steam off their oil-rich pee to the cause, but they can't afford the generosity you Western sucker-states can dish out because they've got overhead. Keeping supplies of suicide bomb-vests, and fresh Phillipino maids to abuse up to snuff costs a lot of greenbacks.
So give us everything you've got, sure Hamas likes to blow up innocent civilians, but they were democratically elected, and you always get the government you deserve in a democracy.
Oh, all I'm getting is stunned silence now.
Let me tell you something, if Allah wanted us to live in a democracy based upon equality, opportunity and the rule of law he wouldn't have made countries like Iran, Saddam's Iraq, and the Taliban's Afghanistan such wonderful places to live.
If Allah did not want us to rain death and destruction on the entire world, he wouldn't have given the Atomic Bomb. Sure we had to beg, borrow, buy, bribe, and steal to get our hands on something developed decades before from scratch in a free society during a global war at a much faster pace, but the Iranians have it, and they're not afraid to use it.
That proves that we're superior and every way.
So do the right thing that such morally stalwart folks like George Clooney, John Kerry, Michael Moore, Cindy Sheehan, and Charlie Sheen are asking you to do.
Then you can live the wonderful life of a dhimmi in a Talinban ruled society, full of wonderful things like rampant rape, honour killings, mass executions, slavery, and oppression.
Now that would be paradise on Earth.