A Special Guest Report by Sayed Rahmatellah Hashemi
Hello there American Infidel Swine-Dogs!
It's me, Hashemi...
Maybe I should just say "it's Hash-e-me."
Ooh, that would be so cool...
Or maybe I could just introduce myself as "The Hash Man," which is what my roommate and Eta Beta Pi Frat Brother Squid calls me.
I'll have to think about it.
I'm still at your University of Yale, flagship of the Infidel Imperialist League of Ivy, and I've got a lot to report. It's been very educational, and in a way spiritually uplifting.
In my last report I told you that Squid and my new Eta Beta Pi Brothers were engaging in some ancient infidel ritual called "The Kegger." At first I thought it was yet another on of their silly infidel drinking binges, and I told Squid that I that drinking their infidel alcohol was among the 275,000 actions, objects, and pleasures forbidden by the Taliban.
Squid said that I should "chill out and drink up," but when I restated my belief, using a scimitar for emphasis, he suggested an alternative. He passed me a plastic cup containing something he called Mescal, and a small purple pill with a little letter E engraved on it. Squid said that these were ancient medicines and perfectly acceptable to my beliefs. In fact they might even provide a religious experience.
I turned to Squid and said, "All right my brother, whose Birkenstocks make the dorm room smell like parmesan cheese, I will take your word for it."
I knocked back the mescal and the little purple pill, and I have to admit, Squid was right. I saw Paradise. Standing right before me was a sight I knew was denied me until I reached the gates of Paradise.
Sweet magnificent, bouncy boobies!
This had to be Paradise because I was looking right at one of my promised 72 virgins, naked and glorious, and unlike the past, I had no desire to set her on fire and have her family stoned to death.
She was beautiful, blonde, bosomy American Girl. It surprised me at first that Paradise would stock American virgins. But then I thought about it for a while and remembered how I spent my life surrounded by Afghani virgins, and I didn't see any action at all.
Muslim women aren't exactly free with their favours if you know what I mean.
I approached my virgin, puckered my lips, and got ready to give her a big wet one.
The next thing I knew I was flat on my back, my beard was smouldering, and Squid was telling me something about not licking the frat's new plasma screen while they're watching "Girls Gone Wild," whatever the hell that meant.
I tell you, I never had a heavenly experience like that back in Afghanistan.
Anyway, America is a fascinating country.
What other land can an elected official accuse the people who protect her of being racist, for doing their job?
Where else can a national leader be vilified for "leaking" a document when that leader has the power to declassify and release any document he pleases, especially when those documents prove that his critics are liars?
Where else can respected League of Ivy educational institutions can have the same beliefs as racists, terrorists, and anti-Semites and still be considered liberal?
I've learned so much, and I've got so much more to learn. Let me just say, that Yale is a hell of a lot more fun than any Madrassa I ever attended. Way more visions of Paradise, and less forced buggery.
Not much less, but less, nonetheless.
Gotta go, the pizza's here, it better not have any pork on it, or I'll be forced to slit everyone's throats!